WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOU HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

IT'S A BIG DAY FOR ME, SINCE I'M IRISH.

I'M A COLBERT, I'M A TUCK, I'M A FEE, I'M A CONLEY, I'M A TORMIE,

I'M AN O'NEILL.

IN FACT, I SCORED 100% ON ROTTEN POTATOES.

BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS VERY

DIFFERENT THIS YEAR.

FOR INSTANCE, HERE IN NEW YORK, THEY COULDN'T HOLD THE NORMAL

PARADE.

THEY JUST HAD A SMALL ONE TO KEEP THE TRADITION TECHNICALLY

ALIVE.

AND TO ENSURE NO CROWDS WOULD SHOW UP, ORGANIZERS INVITED

BILL de BLASIO.

THE C.D.C. IS TELLING PEOPLE TO STAY HOME THIS YEAR BECAUSE

"ATTENDING GATHERINGS TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S DAY

INCREASES YOUR RISK OF GETTING AND SPREADING COVID-19," AND AN

EVEN GREATER RISK OF SPREADING CARTOONISH STEREOTYPES.

( AS LEPRECHUN ) "STAY SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME POT

O' GOLD!" THE C.D.C.'S WARNING REALLY

TAKES A SHELEIGHLEIGH TO ALL THE BELOVED ST. PADDY'S DAY

TRADITIONS, LIKE GREEN BEER AND SHAMROCKS AND THOSE BUTTONS THAT

SAY "LICK ME, I'M IRISH."

AND I'M SURE THESE NEW WARNINGS ARE GOING TO BE VERY EFFECTIVE,

BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS KNOWN FOR,

IT'S RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS.

THE C.D.C. SAYS THAT "THE SAFEST WAY TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S

DAY THIS YEAR IS TO GATHER VIRTUALLY."

SO, HEARTFELT THANKS TO ALL THE REVELERS TONIGHT HAVING THEIR

DRUNKEN FISTFIGHTS ON ZOOM.

NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE GOT INTO THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPIRIT

TODAY BY DYING THE WATER IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOUNTAIN, FINALLY

DELIVERING ON JOE BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN PROMISE OF CREATING

NEW GREEN JOBS.

IN THE AFTERNOON, BIDEN HELD A VIRTUAL MEETING WITH IRISH

TEE-SHOCK AND MAN WHOSE HAIR WAS DRIVEN OUT ALONG WITH IRELAND'S

SNAKES, MICHAEL MARTIN.

HIS NAME KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL, BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED

"MEE"-HOLE.

IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE WEIRD IRISH THINGS, LIKE HOW SEAN IS

PRONOUNCED SHAWN, AND SIOBHAN IS PRONOUNCED SHI-VAHN, AND SODA

BREAD IS CONSIDERED FOOD.

BIDEN CAME DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION WEARING A CLUMP OF

SHAMROCKS IN HIS SUIT POCKET-- EITHER THAT, OR HE'S SLOWLY

TURNING INTO A CHIA-PREZ.

OF COURSE, THE REASON WE HAVE A LOT OF IRISH AMERICANS, BECAUSE

OVER THE CENTURIES, AMERICANS HAVE COME TO THIS COUNTRY FROM

ALL OVER THE WRLD.

AND ONE GROUP OF AMERICANS TOO OFTEN THREATENED BY RACISM IS

ASIAN AMERICANS.

THE MOST RECENT, HORRIFYING EXAMPLE OF THAT THREAT JUST

PLAYED OUT TRAGICALLY IN ATLANTA, WHERE EIGHT PEOPLE,

INCLUDING SIX ASIAN WOMEN, WERE KILLED.

AND I SEE ON THE TV THAT THE POLICE ARE REPORTING THAT THE

GUY WHO DID IT SAYS IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE, BUT WHY

SHOULD WE BELIEVE HIM?

HE'S A MURDERER.

AND THE FACT IS, SIX ASIAN WOMEN ARE DEAD AT A TIME WHEN THAT

COMMUNITY IS ALREADY LIVING UNDER A CLOUD OF FEAR.

AT MOMENTS LIKE THIS I-- I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY, OTHER THAN--

THAT OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO EVERYONE STRUCK BY THIS TERRIBLE

TRAGEDY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS, NOT IMMEDIATELY.

THE ONLY ANSWER THAT COMES TO MIND IS A SIMPLE BUT STRANGELY

DIFFICULT ONE THESE DAYS, AND THAT'S TO NOT HATE EACH

OTHER, TO RECOGNIZE OUR COMMON HUMANITY.

TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE'RE A NASHT OF IMMIGRANTS.

WE MIGHT BELIEVE DIFFERENT THINGS, WE MIGHT NOT LOOK THE

SAME, BUT WE ARE ALL AMERICANS.

WE SHARE A COMMON BELIEF THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

AND IT IS THAT BELIEF ITSELF THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO COME

HIRE.

IN FACT, THERE BEEN AN INCREASE OF PEOPLE ARRIVING HERE EVEN

BEFORE JOE BIDEN TOOK OFFICE.

THEN AFTER INAUGURATION, BIDEN ENDED THE PREVIOUS

ADMINISTRATION'S MIGRANT POLICY OF IMMEDIATELY EXPELLING TEENS

AND CHILDREN.

IN FACT, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY EXPECTS THE

U.S. TO REACH A 20-YEAR HIGH IN NUMBERS OF MIGRANTS ARRIVING AT

THE SOUTHERN BORDER.

BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WE BUILT A WALL!

MEXICO PAID FOR A WALL.

BIG WALL, BEAUTIFUL WALL!

NOBODY'S EVER SEEN A WALL QUITE LIKE THAT WALL!

WAS THAT ALL BULL (BLEEP)?

AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT WAS ALL BULL (BLEEP).

WHILE THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE,

THEY DID NOT, APPARENTLY, PLAN FOR THIS INCREASE.

AS A RESULT, RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE MORE THAN 4,000 MIGRANT

CHILDREN IN BORDER PATROL CUSTODY.

LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN SAT DOWN WITH ABC'S GEORGE

STEPHANOPOULOS, WHO ASKED ABOUT THE SITUATION.

>> DO YOU HAVE TO SAY QUITE CLEARLY, "DON'T COME"?

>> YES.

I CAN SAY QUITE CLEARLY, DON'T COME OVER.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BUT THEN WE SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE THE

POEM ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY TO "GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR.

YOUR HUDDLED MASSES.

WAIT, HOW MANY IS A MASS?

THAT'S A LOT.

HOW ABOUT JUST A HUDDLED BUNCH OR A HUDDLED THROUPLE?"

BUT BIDEN'S DE-INVITATION IS TEMPORARY.

MOST OF THESE UNACCOMPANIED KIDS HAVE RELATIVES IN THE UNITED

AND THE ADMINISTRATION'S GOAL IS TO REUNITE THESE KIDS WITH THEIR

FAMILIES WITHIN A WEEK.

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THAT PROCESS IN PLACE YET, SO BIDEN ASKED THE

MIGRANTS FOR PATIENCE.

>> DON'T LEAVE YOUR TOWN OR CITY OR COMMUNITY.

WE'RE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING SET UP.

( AS BIDEN ) "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, DON'T

SEND MIGRANTS RIGHT OVER, JACK.

HOW DO YOU SAY "JACK" IN SPANISH?

JACKAMOLE?

C'MON.

WAIT, DON'T C'MON."

SO, BIDEN'S GOING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY, BUT IT'S NOT A

QUICK FIX.

AMERICA'S IMMIGRATION POLICY HAS BEEN A MESS FOR DECADES.

OBAMA TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY.

THAT WASN'T GREAT.

THE LAST GUY TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY, WHICH WASN'T

GREAT AGAIN.

NOW BIDEN'S GOING TO TRY HIS WAY, BUT BETWEEN THE PANDEMIC,

AND THE ECONOMY, AND THE CAPITOL RIOT, HE INHERITED QUITE A MESS.

WHEN HE WALKED IN THE WHITE HOUSE, IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.

STEPHANOPOULOS ALSO ASKED BIDEN ABOUT SOMETHING HE SAID TO

VLADIMIR PUTIN.

>> YOU SAID YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE A SOUL.

>> I DID SAY THAT TO HIM, YES.

AND HIS RESPONSE WAS "WE UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER."

I WASN'T BEING A WISE GUY.

I WAS ALONE WITH HIM IN HIS OFFICE.

I SAID, "I LOOKED IN YOUR EYES, AND I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A

SOUL."

HE LOOKED BACK AND SAID, "WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER."

>> Stephen: WOW.

BADASS JOE!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE JAMES BOND IN A SCENE FROM "DR. NO MALARKEY."

>> A NEW INTELLIGENCE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA TRIED TO HELP THE

EX-PRESIDENT IN THE 2020 ELECTION.

YES, RUSSIA PITCHED IN, ALONG WITH THE EX-PRESIDENT'S OTHER

ALLIES: FOX NEWS, MYPILLOWS, INSTITUTIONAL RACISM, AND THE

UNITED FEDERATION OF TERRIBLE UNCLES.

PUTIN HELPING THE EX-PRESIDENT IN THE LAST ELECTION IS

APPALLING, BUT NOT EXACTLY A SHOCKER.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW SEGMENT ABOUT THE OLD

ADMINISTRATION, "EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU

IMAGINED."

( SNARLING ) AT THIS POINT, PUTIN'S MEDDLING

IN OUR ELECTIONS FEELS LIKE OLD NEWS.

BUT IT'S NOT.

IT'S NEW NEWS!

AND IN A NEW NEWS CLIP RELEASED THIS MORNING, STEPHANOPOULOS

ASKED THE PRESIDENT WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT THE NEW NEWS.

>> THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAME OUT WITH A

REPORT SAYING THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN AUTHORIZED OPERATIONS

DURING THE ELECTION TO DENIGRATE YOU, SUPPORT PRESIDENT TRUMP,

UNDERMINE OUR ELECTIONS, DIVIDE OUR SOCIETY.

WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY?

>> HE WILL PAY A PRICE.

WE HAD A LONG TALK, HE AND I.

I KNOW HIM RELATIVELY WELL, AND THE CONVERSATION STARTED OFF--

I SAID, "I KNOW YOU AND YOU KNOW ME.

IF I ESTABLISH THIS OCCURRED, THEN BE PREPARED."

>> Stephen: IN OTHER WORDS: >> RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE

LISTENING...

IT'S PAYBACK TIME!" >> Stephen: AND PAYBACK'S A

BORSCHT.

TO TEST THAT BIDEN REALLY KNEW PUTIN, STEPHANPOLOUS GAVE HIM A

POP QUIZ.

>> SO YOU KNOW VLADIMIR PUTIN.

YOU THINK HE IS A KILLER?

>> UH-HUH, I DO.

>> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS EASY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO

ACKNOWLEDGES REALITY?

>> UH-HUH, I DO.

>> Stephen: FINALLY, AFTER FOUR YEARS OF THE OLD GUY, WE HAVE A

PRESIDENT WHO'S GOING TO STAND UP TO DICTATORS.

( AS BIDEN ) "HEY, PUTIN, YOU'RE A SOULLESS

KILLER.

KIM JONG-UN, WHAT'S WITH THAT HAIR, MAN?

YOU USE A FLOWBEE WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED?

ZING!

HEY, DUTERTE.

MORE LIKE DOO-DOO TERTE, AM I RIGHT?

HEY, ERDOGAN, YOU MIGHT BE FROM TURKEY, BUT YOUR GOOSE IS

COOKED!

HEY MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN, YOU-- THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE,

BUSTER, SOON AS THERE'S PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

SO, WATCH IT."

THE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA WORKED TO PUSH MISLEADING OR

UNSUBSTANTIATED ALLEGATIONS AGAINST PRESIDENT BIDEN TO U.S.

MEDIA ORGANIZATIONS, AND TRIED TO "UNDERMINE PUBLIC CONFIDENCE

IN THE ELECTORAL PROCESS AND EXACERBATE SOCIOPOLITICAL

DIVISIONS IN THE U.S."

OH, THAT MUST BE NICE FOR THE EX-PRESIDENT TO DISCOVER THAT HE

AND HIS FRIEND HAVE ALL THE SAME HOBBIES!

I WONDER IF PUTIN ALSO LOVES COMPLAINING ABOUT LOW-FLOW

TOILETS?

THIS DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN CAME RIGHT FROM THE TOP.

ACCORDING TO U.S. INTELLIGENCE, PUTIN WAS "AWARE OF AND PROBABLY

DIRECTED" THE OPERATION TO HURT BIDEN AND GIVE THE EX-PRESIDENT

A BOOST.

NOW, ALL THROUGH THE ELECTION, WE WERE WARNED BY THE

INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITIES TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST PUTIN, AGAINST

RUSSIA USING DISINFORMATION TO HELP THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND

HIS ADMINISTRATION.

THERE WAS JUST ONE WEAK LINK IN OUR DEFENES: THE FORMER

PRESIDENT AND HIS ADMINISTRATION.

BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, THIS RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA "WAS OPENLY

EMBRACED, BY THE EX-PRESIDENT'S ALLIES."

( AS ERIC ) "DAD, I HEARD YOU AND YOUR

FRIENDS ARE OPENLY EMBRACING NOW!

CAN I GET IN ON THAT?

I'D SETTLE FOR EYE CONTACT."

DAD!

RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE TARGETED REPUBLICANS USING A GO-BETWEEN:

UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT MEMBER AND STAR OF "N.Y.-K.G.B. BLUE,"

ANDRII DERKACH.

DERKACH-- OR SOMETHINGMET WITH RUDY GIULIANI AND OTHER USEFUL

IDIOTS AND FED THEM MISINFORMATION ABOUT JOE BIDEN'S

FAMILY, WHICH WAS THEN REPEATED BY FRIENDS OF THE EX-PRESIDENT

AND FRIENDS OF TREASON, LIKE G.O.P. REPRESENTATIVES JIM

JORDAN, DEVIN NUNES, AND FOX HOST SEAN HANNITY.

THOUGHTFUL OF THEM TO MAKE PUTIN'S JOB EASIER.

( WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT ) "OKAY

PLAN IS TO INFILTRATE AMERICAN SOCIAL MEDIA WITH CAREFULLY

SCRIPTED MATERIAL THAT INSINUA- WHAT'S THAT?

DEVIN NUNES IS JUST GOING TO GO ON "HANNITY" AND REPEAT IT

WERBATIM?

OKAY, WEEKEND IS CLEAR!

WHO WANTS TO COME TO THE DACHA AND PLAY POISON THE NAVALNY?"

WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT, JIM JORDAN DENIED ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE

RUSSIAN SMEAR CAMPAIGN.

>> I NEVER SAW, NEVER HEARD OF, NEVER WAS TOLD ABOUT ANY TYPE OF

ABUSE.

IF I HAD BEEN, I WOULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT.

>> Stephen: OH, WAIT, I'M SORRY.

THAT WAS JORDAN DENYING ANY KNOWLEDGE OF SEXUAL ABUSE OF

COLLEGE ATHLETES WHEN HE WAS A WRESTLING COACH.

HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?

SO WHY IS THIS WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED?

BECAUSE JIM JORDAN AND DEVIN NUNES AND OTHER "STOP THE STEAL"

LIARS LIKE SENATOR RON JOHNSON WERE IN OUR CAPITOL, PARROTING

THE PROPAGANDA OF OUR SWORN ENEMY.

THAT'S LIKE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL'S CHEERLEADING SQUAD CHANTING,

"U-G-L-Y WE AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI

WE'RE UGLY!

OOH-OOH AND CLUMSY!