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  • -You know, it can be hard to make big life decisions,

  • but I have someone here who can help.

  • It's time for "Life Coach with Jerry Seinfeld."

  • -♪ Life Coach with Jerry Seinfeld

  • -I am joined now by Jerry Seinfeld.

  • Jerry, are you there?

  • -Jimmy, I am here. I am ready.

  • Let's do some comedy!

  • -Jerry, you are not afraid to speak your mind.

  • I love hearing your take on things.

  • So we asked viewers at home -- -I do, too.

  • -To -- -I love my mind.

  • -Thank you. -And I love my take on things.

  • -We asked viewers at home to send in questions

  • that they need your coaching on.

  • Are you ready to give out some tough advice?

  • -I am. But I'm going to tell you right now,

  • my advice to most people with most questions

  • is just going to be,

  • shave your head, move to Phoenix.

  • -[ Laughing ] Okay, good.

  • -Just start over.

  • That's gonna be my advice 99% of the time,

  • no matter what your problem is.

  • -Yeah. I understand.

  • -Okay. But I love this kind of thing,

  • 'cause I do have opinions on everything.

  • They're not correct. They're just mine.

  • -Okay. This first one --

  • "My girlfriend goes to bed early..."

  • -Yes. And you're also a moron,

  • because all you have to do is get in bed with her.

  • First of all, do what she wants to do.

  • If she wants to go to bed early, you go to bed early.

  • -Yeah. -She will fall asleep!

  • Then you get up and do what you want.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Idiot!

  • -Exactly -- I told you --

  • That is exactly right. What are you doing --

  • Why are you causing a problem? -Yes, let her fall asleep!

  • She's never going to know.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Causing such a big problem while she's awake?

  • She's got -- Yeah, exactly. -Yeah.

  • You think she can hear your eyes open?

  • She can't.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Here's another question.

  • "My unemployed friend has been crashing at my place

  • for six months."

  • That's not the problem yet.

  • -You are not Paul McCartney.

  • You cannot let it be.

  • [ Laughter ] Tell this person --

  • You have to confront them, yes. You're going to do it --

  • You know, if you don't tell them about this,

  • you're going to act it out in other ways,

  • slamming cupboards

  • and, you know, knocking things over.

  • Get -- Tell him, "Look, this is bothering me."

  • Don't be so -- Don't be so weak.

  • And shave your head and move to Phoenix.

  • -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, here's one.

  • "My brother is about to have his first child..."

  • -No! Shut up. It's none of your business.

  • Saffron is a beautiful name.

  • It's a beautiful color.

  • None of your business.

  • And need I say... -Yeah.

  • -...shave your head and move to Phoenix.

  • -Yeah. No, no, you don't even have to say that. Yeah, exactly.

  • I like this one. "I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding..."

  • -Yeah. You can, but Cabo's pretty good.

  • I would go to Cabo. Why not? That's pretty good.

  • That's not a bad wedding place.

  • Anything you don't want to do is probably --

  • You're going to enjoy it.

  • That's -- That's my kind of M.O. in life.

  • Anything my wife wants me to do,

  • I absolutely don't want to do it,

  • and I'm always glad I did it.

  • -You don't -- For the most part, you don't want --

  • like to do things?

  • -No. Whatever -- Whatever anyone wants me to do,

  • I don't want to do it. If I want to do it,

  • if it was my idea, even that, I don't want to do.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -So, if you have an idea of something you want to do --

  • -Yeah. -There's -- What percentage?

  • -50/50, I'm gonna like that.

  • -[ Laughs ] -And it's my idea.

  • -50/50. -So anybody else's idea --

  • That's why I can't stand vacations,

  • because a vacation is someone else's idea

  • of what you're going to like.

  • -Yeah. -They think you'll like this.

  • They think you want to zip-line and kayak.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You go, "Do I look like the guy who zip-lines and kayaks?"

  • -Zip-line is like, you know, like --

  • like I need to know what it feels like to be dry cleaning.

  • That's what zip-lining is.

  • I want to have that experience. I would do a zip-line

  • where after the zip-line, they put me in clear plastic

  • and on a hook in the back of somebody else's car

  • back to the hotel.

  • Give me the full experience of being dry cleaning.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -"Jerry, I've been secretly

  • using my girlfriend's expensive shampoo..."

  • -Ah, good. I like that.

  • Yeah.

  • No. There are other things you do that make you a bad person,

  • but not this. [ Laughter ]

  • This -- This, I like.

  • Screw her. Screw the fancy shampoo people.

  • -Yeah. -Keep the scam going

  • as long as you can.

  • I think it's very creative.

  • Very inventive. [ Laughter ]

  • -"Very creative." You are ridiculous.

  • [ Giggles ]

  • Alright. Here we go. Last one here.

  • "We've been ordering lots of takeout during the last year..."

  • -This is -- Again, this is so simple.

  • I cannot believe the stupidity of this.

  • Just take a bottle of ketchup

  • and open each one and put it in.

  • Put it in.

  • And let her catch you doing that.

  • -And then if she -- Yeah. -Let her find you,

  • when she comes home from work, sitting there...

  • -Doing that all day long. -...putting them in

  • one after the other. But, yeah,

  • maybe you and the shampoo guy could hang out.

  • -Or -- -Or --

  • -Shave your head and move to Phoenix.

  • -Thank you very much.

  • That's all the time we have for "Life Coach."

  • My thanks to the great Jerry Seinfeld!

-You know, it can be hard to make big life decisions,

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Life Coach w/ Jerry Seinfeld: Shave Your Head, Move to Phoenix | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/18
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