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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WE HAVE A HELL OF A SHOW TONIGHT, BLOCKBUSTER GUESTS.

  • WE HAVE LUPITA NYONG'O, AND MARTIN FREEMAN.

  • LUPITA IS COMING TO US FROM KENYA, MARTIN FROM LONDON.

  • WE ARE TRULY INTERNATIONAL AT THIS POINT.

  • I'M IMPRESSED.

  • NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO BE IMPRESSED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) EVIE IS HERE.

  • HELLO, MY DARLING.

  • ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS IMPRESS YOUR GIRLS.

  • HEY, FOLKS.

  • CAN YOU FEEL IT?

  • AMERICA HAS A BIT OF PEP IN ITS STEP, AND HOPEFULLY SOON, A SHOT

  • IN ITS ARM, BECAUSE THE VACCINE ROLLOUT IS ON A ROLL.

  • IN MICHIGAN AND CONNECTICUT, ALL RESIDENTS 16 AND OLDER CAN GET

  • THE VACCINE STARTING APRIL 5.

  • GREAT NEWS, CONNECTICUT TEENS!

  • YOU'RE GOING TO PROM!

  • BAD NEWS: MOMS AND DADS WANT TO COME, TOO, BECAUSE WE'RE

  • SICK OF BEING HOME.

  • WE WANT TO PUT ON FANCY CLOTHES AND HAVE ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE

  • SEA!

  • WHO DID YOU GO TO PROM WITH.

  • >> WE DIDN'T HAVE PROM.

  • IT WAS AN ALL-GIRLS' SCHOOL.

  • >> Stephen: SADIE HAWKINS?

  • >> JUNIOR-SENIOR.

  • >> Stephen: WHO DID YOU GO TO JUNIOR-SENIOR WITH?

  • YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

  • IT WAS AL PHILLIPS, WASN'T IT?

  • >> NO.

  • IT WAS CHAMP.

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS CHAMP YARBORO.

  • HI, CHAMP!

  • HI, CHAMP!

  • GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • SHE DATED A GUY NAMED CHAMP.

  • WHAT CHANCE DID I HAVE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

  • SHE'S DATING A GUY NAMED CHAMP.

  • STOP WHAT?

  • THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PUBLICITY.

  • I'M JUST SAYING THE MAN HAS A NAME THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER.

  • WHAT WAS THE THEME?

  • WHAT WAS-- DID YOU HAVE A THEME?

  • I THINK OUR-- I THINK OURS LITERALLY WAS ENCHANTMENT UNDER

  • THE SEA.

  • >> THE SENIOR-- THE JUNIOR-- THE GIRLS' JUNIOR CLASS WOULD HOLD A

  • PARENT FOR THE GIRLS' SENIOR CLASS.

  • AND OUR THEME WAS "THE SOUND OF MUSIC."

  • >> Stephen: YOUR THEME WAS THE MUSICAL "SOUND OF MUSIC?

  • WHO WERE THE NAUGHTIES?

  • OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON.

  • >> THE BOYS.

  • >> Stephen: THE BOYS, OKAY.

  • SOME STATES ARE MOVING EVEN FASTER.

  • TODAY, OHIO ANNOUNCED EVERYONE 4 AND OVER IS ELIGIBLE STARTING

  • FRIDAY.

  • THAT'S RIGHT, STARTING THIS WEEKEND, OHIO'S 40-AND-OVER

  • CROWD CAN GET BACK TO THE CLUBS AND START RUBBIN' BUCKEYES.

  • DESPITE VACCINES BECOMING MORE AVAILABLE, THERE'S STILL ONE

  • THING HOLDING AMERICANS BACK: AMERICANS.

  • BECAUSE IN A CBS POLL, A THIRD OF REPUBLICANS SAID THEY WOULD

  • NOT BE VACCINATED.

  • COME ON, REPUBLICANS!

  • NOT EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL!

  • HOW DO WE CONVINCE YOU TO WANT IT?

  • WOULD IT FEEL SAFER IF THE VACCINE WAS ADMINISTERED BY AN

  • AR-15?

  • MANY OF THE REPUBLICANS POLLED CITED DISTRUST OF GOVERNMENT AS

  • A REASON TO NOT BE VACCINATED.

  • THEY WORRY THE VACCINES WERE PRODUCED TOO QUICKLY.

  • DUH!

  • IT WAS PRODUCED QUICKLY BECAUSE ALL OF SCIENCE DROPPED

  • EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOUR PRESIDENT WANTED THEM TO.

  • AND THEY DID EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH CLINICAL TRIALS.

  • YOU WOULDN'T STAND IN FRONT OF YOUR BURNING HOUSE AND TELL THE

  • FIRE DEPARTMENT: "HOLD ON, HOLD ON, YOU FELLAS GOT HERE

  • SUSPICIALLY FAST, AND I READ ON FACEBOOK THAT WATER IS JUST MILK

  • FROM INVISIBLE COWS, OKAY?

  • WHAT IF MY HOUSE IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT?"

  • SOME PEOPLE THINK THE LAST PRESIDENT SHOULD SAY SOMETHING

  • TO CONVINCE HIS FOLLOWERS, BUT BIDEN ISN'T INTERESTED.

  • >> THE THING THAT HAS MORE IMPACT THAN ANYTHING TRUMP WOULD

  • SAY TO THE MAGA FOLKS IS WHAT THE LOCAL DOCTOR, WHAT THE LOCAL

  • PREACHERS, WHAT THE LOCAL PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITY SAY.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "YOU GOTTA TALK TO THE PAPERBOY,

  • JACK!

  • THE MILKMAN!

  • THE LOCAL WASHERWOMAN!

  • OL' JASPER WHO DRIVES THE WELLS FARGO WAGON!

  • AND HIS HORSE BETSY AIN'T NO DUMMY, EITHER!

  • C'MON!" WANT TO GO TO PROM?

  • >> YES!

  • >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I'LL PICK YOU UP IN THE STUDEBAKER.

  • >> BRING THE MUSTANG.

  • >> Stephen: HE HAS A CORVETTE.

  • HE HAS A CORVETTE, MAN.

  • ONE POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECT OF THE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE IS THAT

  • PEOPLE ARE EXPOSED TO THE IDEA THAT GOVERNMENT CAN GET THINGS

  • DONE.

  • BUT SENATE REPUBLICANS HAVE A WAY TO INOCULATE THEMSELVES FROM

  • PROGRESS: IT'S CALLED THE FILIBUSTER.

  • IN ITS CURRENT FORM, IT ALLOWS A MINORITY PARTY TO PUT THE KIBOSH

  • ON BILLS THAT ARRIVE WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF 60 SENATORS.

  • BUT IN THE LAST DECADE OR SO, IT HAS GONE FROM BEING A RARELY

  • USED TOOL TO A CORE ELEMENT OF SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL'S

  • STRATEGY AS THE REPUBLICAN MINORITY LEADER.

  • NO SURPRISE THERE.

  • REPUBLICANS ARE REKNOWN FOR THEIR RARELY USED TOOLS.

  • BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE SENATE DECIDES WHAT THE RULES ARE, AND

  • THE DEMOCRATS CONTROL THE SENATE.

  • AND THEY WOULDN'T NEED 60 VOTES, "TO ROLL BACK THE

  • FILIBUSTER.

  • DEMOCRATS WOULD NEED A SIMPLE MAJORITY."

  • THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T FILIBUSTER CHANGING THE

  • FILIBUSTER RULES!

  • IT'S THE UPPER CHAMBER'S VERSION OF "YOU CAN'T WISH FOR INFINITE

  • WISHES."

  • WHICH YOU ALSO CAN'T DO BECAUSE MITCH McCONNELL WOULD FILIBUSTER

  • IT.

  • DEMOCRATS HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THE FILIBUSTER YET, BUT

  • THERE ARE MURMURS AND RUMORS, WHICH IS ENOUGH TO UPSET MITCH

  • McCONNELL, WHO ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND FROM HIS SEAT, TO

  • THREATEN TO GROUND THE SENATE TO A HALT WITH PROCEDURAL

  • SHENANIGANS.

  • >> LET ME SAY THIS VERY CLEARLY FOR ALL 99 OF MY

  • COLLEAGUES.

  • NOBODY SERVING IN THIS CHAMBER CAN EVEN BEGIN, CAN EVEN BEGIN

  • TO IMAGINE WHAT A COMPLETELY SCORCHED-EARTH SENATE WOULD

  • LOOK LIKE.

  • >> Stephen: I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.

  • THE LAST TIME THE UNITED STATES USED "SCORCHED EARTH," THE UNION

  • BEAT YOUR GUYS.

  • HE McCONNELLED ON.

  • >> THIS CHAOS WOULD NOT OPEN UP AN EXPRESS LANE TO LIBERAL

  • CHANGE.

  • IT WOULD NOT OPEN UP AN EXPRESS LANE FOR THE BIDEN PRESIDENCY TO

  • SPEED INTO THE HISTORY BOOKS.

  • THE SENATE WOULD BE MORE LIKE A 100-CAR PILEUP-- NOTHING MOVING.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING, YOU IDIOT!

  • AND THE FILIBUSTER IS WHY IT'S HAPPENING!

  • IF YOU THREATEN TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF WITH A SHOTGUN, AND I SAY

  • "LET'S TAKE AWAY THAT IDIOT'S SHOTGUN," IT'S REALLY NOT MUCH

  • OF A THREAT TO SAY, "IF YOU DO THIS, I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE

  • FIVE TIMES WITH A CROSSBOW!" YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS.

  • SPEAKING OF MANIACS ON CAPITOL HILL, THERE'S BEEN SOME

  • IMPORTANT ARRESTS OF TRAITOROUS MALCONTENTS WHO ATTACKED THE

  • LEGISLATURE ON JANUARY 6, AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE DEETS IN

  • TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."

  • >> THEY'RE UTTERLY DESPICABLE COWARDS!

  • >> Stephen: FIRST UP ON THE ROUND-UP, THE F.B.I. ARRESTED A

  • SECURITY CONTRACTOR AT A NAVAL BASE WHO "WAS KNOWN TO MOST OF

  • HIS CO-WORKERS AS A WHITE SUPREMACIST AND NAZI

  • SYMPATHIZER."

  • NOW HOLD ON ONE MINUTE.

  • CALLING SOMEONE A NAZI SYMPATHIZER IS A PRETTY BIG

  • ACCUSATION.

  • HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HE-- OOOH-KAY.

  • ALL RIGHT LITTLE ON THE NOSE, BUDDY,

  • ALSO A LITTLE UNDER THE NOSE.

  • THE CHIP OFF THE OLD REICH IS NAMED TIMOTHY HALE-CUSANELLI,

  • KNOWN FROM NOW ON AS TIMOTHY HEIL-MUSSOLINI.

  • AND EVER SINCE THE RIOT, FEDERAL AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN ON THE

  • HUNT FOR THE TWO PEOPLE WHO SPRAYED CHEMICAL IRRITANTS AT

  • POLICE, WHICH MAY HAVE LED TO THE TRAGIC DEATH OF OFFICER

  • BRIAN SICKNICK.

  • WELL, SUNDAY, THE F.B.I.

  • ARRESTED TWO MEN: WEST VIRGINIA RESIDENT AND GUY WHO

  • ALPHABETIZED HIS VHS PORN COLLECTION, GEORGE TANIOS; AND

  • INTERN AT THE STRIP CLUB JULIAN KHATER.

  • KHATER AND TANIOS ARE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN NEW

  • JERSEY, AND THEY THOUGHTFULLY LEFT A LOT OF EVIDENCE.

  • FOR THE COPS.

  • FOR INSTANCE, TANIOS LIVES IN MORGANTOWN, WEST VIRGINIA, WHERE

  • HE'S THE OWNER OF "SANDWICH UNIVERSITY"-- KNOWN FOR ITS

  • FIERCE RIVALRY WITH SLOPPY JOE POLYTECH.

  • IN FACT, ON SOCIAL MEDIA, TANIOS CALLS HIMSELF THE "SANDWICH

  • NAZI."

  • OKAY, AT THIS POINT, I THINK YOU CAN DROP THE "SANDWICH."

  • TANIOS' RESTAURANT BILLS ITSELF THE KING OF THE FAT SANDWICH,

  • BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE THIS ONE, THE FAT MOUNTAINEER, WHICH

  • INCLUDES CHEESESTEAK, BURGER, MOZZARELLA STICKS, CHICKEN

  • TENDER, JALAPENO POPPER, BACON, AND EGG.

  • HE'S NOT KIDDING ABOUT THE NAZI PART.

  • WITH THAT MUCH CHOLESTEROL, IT'S A HOAGIE THAT SHOULD BE

  • PROSECUTED AT THE HAGUE-Y.

  • NOW, THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION, BECAUSE DURING THE

  • RIOT, TANIOS WAS WEARING A SWEATSHIRT WITH "SANDWICH

  • UNIVERSITY" ON IT.

  • DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WALKING AROUND BRAGGING ABOUT

  • THEIR FANCY LUNCH ALMA MATTER WHEN THE REST OF US HAD TO EAT

  • OUR SAFETY SANDWICH?

  • TANIOS' BUDDY KHATER IS ALSO A RESTAURANTEUR.

  • HE OWNS A SMOOTHIE BOWL RESTAURANT IN STATE COLLEGE,

  • PENNSYLVANIA, CALLED "FRUTTA BOWLS."

  • OKAY, TWO THINGS: FIRST, HOW DID THESE GUYS BECOME FRIENDS?

  • THE SMOOTHIE IS THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE FAT SANDWICH.

  • TWO: YOU CANT PUT A SMOOTHIE IN A BOWL, OKAY?

  • THE MOMENT IT HITS THE BOWL, IT'S FRUIT SOUP.

  • AND DON'T TELL ME THAT TOMATOES ARE FRUIT.

  • I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, WITH THESE TWO GUYS.

  • COME ON, WHAT'S A SMOOTHIE BOWL?

  • >> I DON'T KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT DOESN'T EXIST.

  • KHATER'S LOOKING AT A HARSH PUNISHMENT, BECAUSE SINCE HE'S

  • NOT A U.S. CITIZEN, A GUILTY VERDICT WOULD LIKELY RESULT IN

  • HIS DEPORTATION.

  • THAT MUST GIVE HIM SOME MIXED EMOTIONS.

  • ( AS KHATER ) "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO

  • GET DEPORTED.

  • ON THE OTHER HAND, I GOT AN IMMIGRANT DEPORTED!

  • WOO!" THE RIOTERS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES

  • UNDER SCRUTINY.

  • THE CAPITOL POLICE JUST SUSPENDED AN OFFICER WHO HAD

  • AN ANTI-SEMITIC DOCUMENT IN PLAIN SIGHT AT A CAPITOL POLICE

  • CHECKPOINT.

  • THAT IS SHOCKING.

  • ANTI-SEMITISM HAS NO PLACE IN CONGRESS, OUTSIDE MARJORIE

  • TAYLOR GREENE DEMANDING THAT NASA BAPTIZE THE JEWISH SPACE

  • LASER.

  • THE QUESTIONABLE DOCUMENT IN QUESTION IS THE PROTOCOLS OF THE

  • MEETINGS OF THE LEARNED ELDERS THAT IS HORRIFYING.

  • OF ZION, WHICH THE ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE CALLS

  • "A CLASSIC IN PARANOID, RACIST LITERATURE."

  • THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE BLURBS ON THE BACK, ALONG WITH

  • "A GREAT BEACH READ"-- MEL GIBSON.

  • FALLOUT FROM THE RIOT HAS ALSO HURT WISCONSIN SENATOR AND DRUNK

  • UNCLE INSISTING HE WONT DROP THE ( LAUGHTER )

  • BABY LIKE LAST TIME, RON JOHNSON.

  • ON THURSDAY, JOHNSON WENT ON TALK RADIO TO SAY "RIOT

  • SCHMIOT."

  • >> ON JANUARY 6, I NEVER FELT THREATENED, BECAUSE I DIDN'T.

  • AND MAINLY BECAUSE I KNEW THAT EVEN THOUGH THOSE THOUSANDS OF

  • PEOPLE WHO WERE MARCHING ON THE CAPITOL WERE TRYING TO PRESSURE

  • PEOPLE LIKE ME TO VOTE THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO VOTE, I KNEW

  • THOSE ARE PEOPLE THAT LOVE THIS COUNTRY, THAT TRULY RESPECT LAW

  • ENFORCEMENT, WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO BREAK A LAW, AND SO

  • I WASN'T CONCERNED.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  • THEY INJURED OVER 100 POLICEMEN-- BLINDING, CRUSHING,

  • KILLING.

  • SO I GUESS YOU'RE SAYING THEY USED THAT FLAGPOLE TO

  • INFLICT BLUNT-FORCE RESPECT?

  • WELL, SENATOR, YOU SEEM TO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH THEM,

  • BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES SMEARING THEIR CRAP ALL

  • OVER CAPITOL HILL.

  • DESPITE KNOWING BETTER, JOHNSON CONTINUED:

  • >> NOW, HAD THE TABLES BEEN TURNED-- JOE, THIS CAN GET ME IN

  • TROUBLE-- HAD THE TABLES BEEN TURNED AND PRESIDENT TRUMP WON

  • THE ELECTION, AND THOSE WERE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF BLACK LIVES

  • MATTER AND ANTIFA PROTESTERS, I MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

  • CONCERNED.

  • >> Stephen: HOLY STUPID.

  • THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU, BUT YOU FEEL SAFE BECAUSE THEY'RE

  • YOUR RACE?

  • IT REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF NATHAN HALE: "I REGRET