WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

WE HAVE A HELL OF A SHOW TONIGHT, BLOCKBUSTER GUESTS.

WE HAVE LUPITA NYONG'O, AND MARTIN FREEMAN.

LUPITA IS COMING TO US FROM KENYA, MARTIN FROM LONDON.

WE ARE TRULY INTERNATIONAL AT THIS POINT.

I'M IMPRESSED.

NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO BE IMPRESSED.

( LAUGHTER ) EVIE IS HERE.

HELLO, MY DARLING.

ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS IMPRESS YOUR GIRLS.

HEY, FOLKS.

CAN YOU FEEL IT?

AMERICA HAS A BIT OF PEP IN ITS STEP, AND HOPEFULLY SOON, A SHOT

IN ITS ARM, BECAUSE THE VACCINE ROLLOUT IS ON A ROLL.

IN MICHIGAN AND CONNECTICUT, ALL RESIDENTS 16 AND OLDER CAN GET

THE VACCINE STARTING APRIL 5.

GREAT NEWS, CONNECTICUT TEENS!

YOU'RE GOING TO PROM!

BAD NEWS: MOMS AND DADS WANT TO COME, TOO, BECAUSE WE'RE

SICK OF BEING HOME.

WE WANT TO PUT ON FANCY CLOTHES AND HAVE ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE

SEA!

WHO DID YOU GO TO PROM WITH.

>> WE DIDN'T HAVE PROM.

IT WAS AN ALL-GIRLS' SCHOOL.

>> Stephen: SADIE HAWKINS?

>> JUNIOR-SENIOR.

>> Stephen: WHO DID YOU GO TO JUNIOR-SENIOR WITH?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

IT WAS AL PHILLIPS, WASN'T IT?

>> NO.

IT WAS CHAMP.

>> Stephen: IT WAS CHAMP YARBORO.

HI, CHAMP!

HI, CHAMP!

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

SHE DATED A GUY NAMED CHAMP.

WHAT CHANCE DID I HAVE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

SHE'S DATING A GUY NAMED CHAMP.

STOP WHAT?

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PUBLICITY.

I'M JUST SAYING THE MAN HAS A NAME THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER.

WHAT WAS THE THEME?

WHAT WAS-- DID YOU HAVE A THEME?

I THINK OUR-- I THINK OURS LITERALLY WAS ENCHANTMENT UNDER

THE SEA.

>> THE SENIOR-- THE JUNIOR-- THE GIRLS' JUNIOR CLASS WOULD HOLD A

PARENT FOR THE GIRLS' SENIOR CLASS.

AND OUR THEME WAS "THE SOUND OF MUSIC."

>> Stephen: YOUR THEME WAS THE MUSICAL "SOUND OF MUSIC?

WHO WERE THE NAUGHTIES?

OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON.

>> THE BOYS.

>> Stephen: THE BOYS, OKAY.

SOME STATES ARE MOVING EVEN FASTER.

TODAY, OHIO ANNOUNCED EVERYONE 4 AND OVER IS ELIGIBLE STARTING

FRIDAY.

THAT'S RIGHT, STARTING THIS WEEKEND, OHIO'S 40-AND-OVER

CROWD CAN GET BACK TO THE CLUBS AND START RUBBIN' BUCKEYES.

DESPITE VACCINES BECOMING MORE AVAILABLE, THERE'S STILL ONE

THING HOLDING AMERICANS BACK: AMERICANS.

BECAUSE IN A CBS POLL, A THIRD OF REPUBLICANS SAID THEY WOULD

NOT BE VACCINATED.

COME ON, REPUBLICANS!

NOT EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL!

HOW DO WE CONVINCE YOU TO WANT IT?

WOULD IT FEEL SAFER IF THE VACCINE WAS ADMINISTERED BY AN

AR-15?

MANY OF THE REPUBLICANS POLLED CITED DISTRUST OF GOVERNMENT AS

A REASON TO NOT BE VACCINATED.

THEY WORRY THE VACCINES WERE PRODUCED TOO QUICKLY.

DUH!

IT WAS PRODUCED QUICKLY BECAUSE ALL OF SCIENCE DROPPED

EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOUR PRESIDENT WANTED THEM TO.

AND THEY DID EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH CLINICAL TRIALS.

YOU WOULDN'T STAND IN FRONT OF YOUR BURNING HOUSE AND TELL THE

FIRE DEPARTMENT: "HOLD ON, HOLD ON, YOU FELLAS GOT HERE

SUSPICIALLY FAST, AND I READ ON FACEBOOK THAT WATER IS JUST MILK

FROM INVISIBLE COWS, OKAY?

WHAT IF MY HOUSE IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT?"

SOME PEOPLE THINK THE LAST PRESIDENT SHOULD SAY SOMETHING

TO CONVINCE HIS FOLLOWERS, BUT BIDEN ISN'T INTERESTED.

>> THE THING THAT HAS MORE IMPACT THAN ANYTHING TRUMP WOULD

SAY TO THE MAGA FOLKS IS WHAT THE LOCAL DOCTOR, WHAT THE LOCAL

PREACHERS, WHAT THE LOCAL PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITY SAY.

>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "YOU GOTTA TALK TO THE PAPERBOY,

JACK!

THE MILKMAN!

THE LOCAL WASHERWOMAN!

OL' JASPER WHO DRIVES THE WELLS FARGO WAGON!

AND HIS HORSE BETSY AIN'T NO DUMMY, EITHER!

C'MON!" WANT TO GO TO PROM?

>> YES!

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I'LL PICK YOU UP IN THE STUDEBAKER.

>> BRING THE MUSTANG.

>> Stephen: HE HAS A CORVETTE.

HE HAS A CORVETTE, MAN.

ONE POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECT OF THE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE IS THAT

PEOPLE ARE EXPOSED TO THE IDEA THAT GOVERNMENT CAN GET THINGS

DONE.

BUT SENATE REPUBLICANS HAVE A WAY TO INOCULATE THEMSELVES FROM

PROGRESS: IT'S CALLED THE FILIBUSTER.

IN ITS CURRENT FORM, IT ALLOWS A MINORITY PARTY TO PUT THE KIBOSH

ON BILLS THAT ARRIVE WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF 60 SENATORS.

BUT IN THE LAST DECADE OR SO, IT HAS GONE FROM BEING A RARELY

USED TOOL TO A CORE ELEMENT OF SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL'S

STRATEGY AS THE REPUBLICAN MINORITY LEADER.

NO SURPRISE THERE.

REPUBLICANS ARE REKNOWN FOR THEIR RARELY USED TOOLS.

BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE SENATE DECIDES WHAT THE RULES ARE, AND

THE DEMOCRATS CONTROL THE SENATE.

AND THEY WOULDN'T NEED 60 VOTES, "TO ROLL BACK THE

FILIBUSTER.

DEMOCRATS WOULD NEED A SIMPLE MAJORITY."

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T FILIBUSTER CHANGING THE

FILIBUSTER RULES!

IT'S THE UPPER CHAMBER'S VERSION OF "YOU CAN'T WISH FOR INFINITE

WISHES."

WHICH YOU ALSO CAN'T DO BECAUSE MITCH McCONNELL WOULD FILIBUSTER

IT.

DEMOCRATS HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THE FILIBUSTER YET, BUT

THERE ARE MURMURS AND RUMORS, WHICH IS ENOUGH TO UPSET MITCH

McCONNELL, WHO ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND FROM HIS SEAT, TO

THREATEN TO GROUND THE SENATE TO A HALT WITH PROCEDURAL

SHENANIGANS.

>> LET ME SAY THIS VERY CLEARLY FOR ALL 99 OF MY

COLLEAGUES.

NOBODY SERVING IN THIS CHAMBER CAN EVEN BEGIN, CAN EVEN BEGIN

TO IMAGINE WHAT A COMPLETELY SCORCHED-EARTH SENATE WOULD

LOOK LIKE.

>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.

THE LAST TIME THE UNITED STATES USED "SCORCHED EARTH," THE UNION

BEAT YOUR GUYS.

HE McCONNELLED ON.

>> THIS CHAOS WOULD NOT OPEN UP AN EXPRESS LANE TO LIBERAL

CHANGE.

IT WOULD NOT OPEN UP AN EXPRESS LANE FOR THE BIDEN PRESIDENCY TO

SPEED INTO THE HISTORY BOOKS.

THE SENATE WOULD BE MORE LIKE A 100-CAR PILEUP-- NOTHING MOVING.

>> Stephen: IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING, YOU IDIOT!

AND THE FILIBUSTER IS WHY IT'S HAPPENING!

IF YOU THREATEN TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF WITH A SHOTGUN, AND I SAY

"LET'S TAKE AWAY THAT IDIOT'S SHOTGUN," IT'S REALLY NOT MUCH

OF A THREAT TO SAY, "IF YOU DO THIS, I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE

FIVE TIMES WITH A CROSSBOW!" YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS.

SPEAKING OF MANIACS ON CAPITOL HILL, THERE'S BEEN SOME

IMPORTANT ARRESTS OF TRAITOROUS MALCONTENTS WHO ATTACKED THE

LEGISLATURE ON JANUARY 6, AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE DEETS IN

TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."

>> THEY'RE UTTERLY DESPICABLE COWARDS!

>> Stephen: FIRST UP ON THE ROUND-UP, THE F.B.I. ARRESTED A

SECURITY CONTRACTOR AT A NAVAL BASE WHO "WAS KNOWN TO MOST OF

HIS CO-WORKERS AS A WHITE SUPREMACIST AND NAZI

SYMPATHIZER."

NOW HOLD ON ONE MINUTE.

CALLING SOMEONE A NAZI SYMPATHIZER IS A PRETTY BIG

ACCUSATION.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HE-- OOOH-KAY.

ALL RIGHT LITTLE ON THE NOSE, BUDDY,

ALSO A LITTLE UNDER THE NOSE.

THE CHIP OFF THE OLD REICH IS NAMED TIMOTHY HALE-CUSANELLI,

KNOWN FROM NOW ON AS TIMOTHY HEIL-MUSSOLINI.

AND EVER SINCE THE RIOT, FEDERAL AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN ON THE

HUNT FOR THE TWO PEOPLE WHO SPRAYED CHEMICAL IRRITANTS AT

POLICE, WHICH MAY HAVE LED TO THE TRAGIC DEATH OF OFFICER

BRIAN SICKNICK.

WELL, SUNDAY, THE F.B.I.

ARRESTED TWO MEN: WEST VIRGINIA RESIDENT AND GUY WHO

ALPHABETIZED HIS VHS PORN COLLECTION, GEORGE TANIOS; AND

INTERN AT THE STRIP CLUB JULIAN KHATER.

KHATER AND TANIOS ARE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN NEW

JERSEY, AND THEY THOUGHTFULLY LEFT A LOT OF EVIDENCE.

FOR THE COPS.

FOR INSTANCE, TANIOS LIVES IN MORGANTOWN, WEST VIRGINIA, WHERE

HE'S THE OWNER OF "SANDWICH UNIVERSITY"-- KNOWN FOR ITS

FIERCE RIVALRY WITH SLOPPY JOE POLYTECH.

IN FACT, ON SOCIAL MEDIA, TANIOS CALLS HIMSELF THE "SANDWICH

NAZI."

OKAY, AT THIS POINT, I THINK YOU CAN DROP THE "SANDWICH."

TANIOS' RESTAURANT BILLS ITSELF THE KING OF THE FAT SANDWICH,

BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE THIS ONE, THE FAT MOUNTAINEER, WHICH

INCLUDES CHEESESTEAK, BURGER, MOZZARELLA STICKS, CHICKEN

TENDER, JALAPENO POPPER, BACON, AND EGG.

HE'S NOT KIDDING ABOUT THE NAZI PART.

WITH THAT MUCH CHOLESTEROL, IT'S A HOAGIE THAT SHOULD BE

PROSECUTED AT THE HAGUE-Y.

NOW, THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION, BECAUSE DURING THE

RIOT, TANIOS WAS WEARING A SWEATSHIRT WITH "SANDWICH

UNIVERSITY" ON IT.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WALKING AROUND BRAGGING ABOUT

THEIR FANCY LUNCH ALMA MATTER WHEN THE REST OF US HAD TO EAT

OUR SAFETY SANDWICH?

TANIOS' BUDDY KHATER IS ALSO A RESTAURANTEUR.

HE OWNS A SMOOTHIE BOWL RESTAURANT IN STATE COLLEGE,

PENNSYLVANIA, CALLED "FRUTTA BOWLS."

OKAY, TWO THINGS: FIRST, HOW DID THESE GUYS BECOME FRIENDS?

THE SMOOTHIE IS THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE FAT SANDWICH.

TWO: YOU CANT PUT A SMOOTHIE IN A BOWL, OKAY?

THE MOMENT IT HITS THE BOWL, IT'S FRUIT SOUP.

AND DON'T TELL ME THAT TOMATOES ARE FRUIT.

I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, WITH THESE TWO GUYS.

COME ON, WHAT'S A SMOOTHIE BOWL?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Stephen: AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT DOESN'T EXIST.

KHATER'S LOOKING AT A HARSH PUNISHMENT, BECAUSE SINCE HE'S

NOT A U.S. CITIZEN, A GUILTY VERDICT WOULD LIKELY RESULT IN

HIS DEPORTATION.

THAT MUST GIVE HIM SOME MIXED EMOTIONS.

( AS KHATER ) "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO

GET DEPORTED.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I GOT AN IMMIGRANT DEPORTED!

WOO!" THE RIOTERS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES

UNDER SCRUTINY.

THE CAPITOL POLICE JUST SUSPENDED AN OFFICER WHO HAD

AN ANTI-SEMITIC DOCUMENT IN PLAIN SIGHT AT A CAPITOL POLICE

CHECKPOINT.

THAT IS SHOCKING.

ANTI-SEMITISM HAS NO PLACE IN CONGRESS, OUTSIDE MARJORIE

TAYLOR GREENE DEMANDING THAT NASA BAPTIZE THE JEWISH SPACE

LASER.

THE QUESTIONABLE DOCUMENT IN QUESTION IS THE PROTOCOLS OF THE

MEETINGS OF THE LEARNED ELDERS THAT IS HORRIFYING.

OF ZION, WHICH THE ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE CALLS

"A CLASSIC IN PARANOID, RACIST LITERATURE."

THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE BLURBS ON THE BACK, ALONG WITH

"A GREAT BEACH READ"-- MEL GIBSON.

FALLOUT FROM THE RIOT HAS ALSO HURT WISCONSIN SENATOR AND DRUNK

UNCLE INSISTING HE WONT DROP THE ( LAUGHTER )

BABY LIKE LAST TIME, RON JOHNSON.

ON THURSDAY, JOHNSON WENT ON TALK RADIO TO SAY "RIOT

SCHMIOT."

>> ON JANUARY 6, I NEVER FELT THREATENED, BECAUSE I DIDN'T.

AND MAINLY BECAUSE I KNEW THAT EVEN THOUGH THOSE THOUSANDS OF

PEOPLE WHO WERE MARCHING ON THE CAPITOL WERE TRYING TO PRESSURE

PEOPLE LIKE ME TO VOTE THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO VOTE, I KNEW

THOSE ARE PEOPLE THAT LOVE THIS COUNTRY, THAT TRULY RESPECT LAW

ENFORCEMENT, WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO BREAK A LAW, AND SO

I WASN'T CONCERNED.

>> Stephen: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THEY INJURED OVER 100 POLICEMEN-- BLINDING, CRUSHING,

KILLING.

SO I GUESS YOU'RE SAYING THEY USED THAT FLAGPOLE TO

INFLICT BLUNT-FORCE RESPECT?

WELL, SENATOR, YOU SEEM TO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH THEM,

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES SMEARING THEIR CRAP ALL

OVER CAPITOL HILL.

DESPITE KNOWING BETTER, JOHNSON CONTINUED:

>> NOW, HAD THE TABLES BEEN TURNED-- JOE, THIS CAN GET ME IN

TROUBLE-- HAD THE TABLES BEEN TURNED AND PRESIDENT TRUMP WON

THE ELECTION, AND THOSE WERE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF BLACK LIVES

MATTER AND ANTIFA PROTESTERS, I MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

CONCERNED.

>> Stephen: HOLY STUPID.

THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU, BUT YOU FEEL SAFE BECAUSE THEY'RE

YOUR RACE?

IT REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF NATHAN HALE: "I REGRET