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  • >> Stephen: THERE ARE TIMES I LOVE TO DO THIS SHOW.

  • I GET TO TALK TO RINGO STARR TONIGHT.

  • THAT ONE.

  • PEACE AND LOVE, RINGO!

  • SOMETIMES CALLED THE FIFTH BEETLE.

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT AND I AM FEELING PRETTY DARN

  • GOOD.

  • NOT JUST THE RINGO THING BUT IT'S BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME

  • IN THE LAST YEAR I FEEL LIKE THE GLASS IS HALF FULL.

  • IT'S PRETTY SURE THAT'S WATER, DOESN'T SMELL LIKE BLEACH.

  • BECAUSE AFTER A YEAR OF RELENTLESS DARK NEWS ABOUT THE

  • PANDEMIC, THERE MAY FINALLY BE SOME LIGHT AT THE END OF THE

  • TUNNEL.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEWLY-UPDATED SEGMENT: "CATCH

  • -- I'LL INFECT YOU, MY PRETTY AND YOUR LITTLE DOGS!

  • T-- AHHH! I'M MELTING.

  • >> Stephen: HEY, DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME!

  • COMPLAIN TO THE PROP DEPARTMENT.

  • THEY KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH THIS WHEN THEY GIVE IT TO

  • ME.

  • WHAT DO YOU THINK?

  • I'M NOT THE ONE YOU NEED TO TALK TO.

  • QUICK MESSAGE TO PROPS.

  • >> STEPHEN: THIS WEEKEND, WE REACHED A VERY EXCITING

  • MILESTONE: THE UNITED STATES HAS NOW ADMINISTERED OVER

  • 100 MILLION DOSES OF COVID-19 VACCINE, MEANING, ALMOST 20% OF

  • THE TOTAL POPULATION HAVE GOTTEN AT LEAST ONE DOSE.

  • OKAY, 20%, THAT'S ONE FIFTH.

  • SO, NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A GROUP OF FIVE PEOPLE, LOOK AROUND AND

  • SAY TO YOURSELF, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN A GROUP OF FIVE

  • PEOPLE?

  • I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY SHOT YET!" ONE PERSON WHO GOT THE VACCINE

  • THIS WEEKEND WAS 18-TIME GRAMMY-WINNING CELLIST YO-YO-MA,

  • WHO DIDN'T JUST GET HIS SHOT, HE BROUGHT HIS CELLO WITH HIM, AND

  • THEN, DURING THE 15-MINUTE OBSERVATION PERIOD, PLAYED A

  • SURPRISE CONCERT.

  • THAT'S LOVELY, BUT HOW MUCH OF A SURPRISE IS IT WHEN YO-YO MA

  • PLAYS THE CELLO?

  • "OH, MY GOSH, YO-YO, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE IN THAT GIANT

  • CELLO-SHAPED CASE?

  • I'M GOING TO SAY A VERY VOLUPTUOUS CLARINET?

  • OH, IT'S A CELLO?

  • YES, WE WERE SURPRISED!" HERE'S A TASTE OF THE CONCERT:

  • ("AVE MARIA") ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.

  • PERFECTION.

  • TRANSPORTING.

  • THANK YOU, YO-YO.

  • WHAT A LOVELY GIFT FOR EVERYONE WAITING FOR THEIR SHOT TO TAKE

  • EFFECT.

  • I WANT TO POINT OUT, "AVE MARIA" IS

  • PLAYED AT A LOT OF FUNERALS.

  • IT'S A PANDEMIC, LET'S KEEP IT LIGHT.

  • IS THERE A CELLO VERSION OF "UPTOWN FUNK?"

  • BUT DESPITE ALL THE GOOD NEWS, THERE MAY BE TROUBLE ON THE

  • HORIZON, BECAUSE NEARLY 30% OF AMERICANS-- AND HALF

  • OF ALL REPUBLICAN MEN-- SAY THEY DO NOT INTEND TO GET ONE OF THE

  • VACCINES.

  • FIRST OF ALL, I CALL DIBS ON THEIRS.

  • SECOND OF ALL, WHY?

  • WHY, REPUBLICAN MEN?

  • WHY?

  • YOUR GUY'S TAKING CREDIT FOR THE VACCINE.

  • YOU'RE INSULTING HIM BY NOT GETTING JABBED.

  • YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK HIS "WHATEVER'S-WHERE-HIS-HEART-SHOU

  • LD-BE."

  • YESTERDAY, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI WAS ON THE FOX NEWS AND, IN AN

  • ATTEMPT TO GET THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO ENCOURAGE HIS

  • FOLLOWERS TO GET VACCINATED, HE TRIED FLAT-OUT FLATTERY:

  • >> HE'S A VERY WIDELY POPULAR PERSON AMONG REPUBLICANS.

  • IF HE CAME OUT AND SAID, "GO AND GET VACCINATED, IT'S REALLY

  • IMPORTANT FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE HEALTH OF YOUR FAMILY, AND THE

  • HEALTH OF THE COUNTRY," IT SEEMS ABSOLUTELY INEVITABLE THAT THE

  • VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WHO ARE HIS CLOSE FOLLOWERS WOULD LISTEN

  • TO HIM.

  • HE'S SUCH A STRONGLY POPULAR PERSON.

  • >> STEPHEN: (AS FAUCI) "HE'S SO STRONGLY POPULAR, AND

  • MIGHT I ADD, VERY ATTRACTIVE.

  • AS AN IMMUNOLOGIST, I'D SAY HE'S CONTAGIOUSLY SEXY, AND I

  • DIAGNOSE HIM WITH ONE FINE ANTI-BODY.

  • JUST LOOKING AT HIM, I RUN A FEVER OF 100-AND-DAMN!

  • IS IT WORKING?

  • IS HE ACTING RESPONSIBLE YET?

  • HUBBA HUBBA."

  • "TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT BUT NOT HIS HAIR BECAUSE THAT HAIR

  • IS REAL."

  • BUT TO GET EVERYONE THEIR SHOTS, WE NEED LEADERSHIP IN EVERY PART

  • OF THE COMMUNITY.

  • WHICH IS WHY THOUSANDS OF CLERGY MEMBERS FROM A CROSS SECTION OF

  • FAITHS-- IMAMS, RABBIS, PRIESTS, AND SWAMIS-- ARE TRYING TO COAX

  • THE HESITANT TO GET VACCINATED AGAINST COVID-19.

  • REMINDS ME OF THAT JOKE: A PRIEST, A RABBI, AN IMAM AND A

  • SWAMI WALK INTO A BAR-- AND IT'S OKAY 'CAUSE THEY ALL GOT

  • VACCINATED!

  • AT ONE EVANGELICAL CHURCH IN FLORIDA, THE REVEREND ENCOURAGES

  • HIS CONGREGATION BY REMINDING THEM THAT OUR TRADITION IS RICH

  • WITH CHRIST THE HEALER.

  • YES, AND REMEMBER, CHRIST IS SCHEDULED TO COME BACK FOR A

  • SECOND DOSE ON A CLOUD OF GLORY.

  • FOR CATHOLICS, POPE FRANCIS DECLARED THAT CORONAVIRUS SHOTS

  • ARE "MORALLY ACCEPTABLE."

  • AND WHEN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DESCRIBES SOMETHING AS MORALLY

  • ACCEPTABLE, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT IT IS.

  • THE POINT IS, IF EVERYONE GETS VACCINATED, WE CAN MAKE IT

  • THROUGH THIS PANDEMIC IN JUST A FEW MONTHS, AS LONG AS AMERICANS

  • DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID-- AND WE'RE DOOMED, 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT

  • TO PASS WHAT'S KNOWN AS "THE MARSHMALLOW TEST."

  • BACK IN THE EARLY '70S, A STANFORD RESEARCHER RAN A TEST

  • WITH A GROUP OF 600 PRESCHOOLERS.

  • HE WOULD GIVE EACH CHILD A MARSHMALLOW AND GIVE THEM THE

  • OPTION OF EATING IT IMMEDIATELY IF THEY CHOSE.

  • BUT IF THEY COULD WAIT 15 MINUTES, THEY WOULD GET A SECOND

  • MARSHMALLOW AS A REWARD.

  • THAT STORY MAKES ME SO HUNGRY.

  • ANYWAY -- ANYWAY -- ABOUT A THIRD -- STOP WHAT?

  • IT'S A MARSHMALLOW, YOU BABY.

  • WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN HERE.

  • >> Stephen: OH, DON'T DO ANYTHING SILLY.

  • IT'S A COMEDY SHOW!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY --

  • ANYWAY, ABOUT A THIRD OF THE KIDS WAITED TO GET THE SECOND

  • MARSHMALLOW, AND THE RESEARCHER FOUND THAT, YEARS LATER, THEY

  • HAD BETTER OUTCOMES IN LIFE, THANKS TO THEIR ABILITY TO DELAY

  • GRATIFICATION.

  • SIMILARLY, IF WE CAN DELAY THE GRATIFICATION OF GOING OUT FOR

  • JUST A FEW MORE WEEKS WHILE EVERYONE GETS VACCINATED, WE

  • CAN-- >> SPRING BREAKERS TOUCHING DOWN

  • IN THE SUNSHINE STATE.

  • FROM FORT LAUDERDALE TO MIAMI BEACH, SOUTH FLORIDA BARS

  • AND RESTAURANTS PACKED WITH PEOPLE.

  • >> STEPHEN: FLORIDA!

  • I KNOW WHAT IT'S GOING TO SAY ON OUR NATION'S TOMBSTONE:

  • "AMERICA 1776-2021.

  • DESTROYED BY OUR BIGGEST DICK."

  • ONE SPRING BREAKER EXPLAINED "GRANNY SHOULDN'T BE OUT HERE

  • ANYWAYS.

  • IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE."

  • NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULDN'T BE OUT THERE.

  • GRANNY'S VACCINATED.

  • THOSE BARS OUGHT TO BE DOING OPPOSITE CARDING.

  • "YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 75.

  • START HUMMING YOUR FAVORITE PERRY COMO SONG OR I'M CALLING

  • THE COPS."

  • CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET

  • SO, CLEARLY, WHEN IT COMES TO COVID, AMERICA IS FAILING THE

  • MARSHMALLOW TEST.

  • AND THAT'S EMBARRASSING, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THE FACT THAT

  • THIS MONTH, SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCED THAT CUTTLEFISH-- SQUID-- CAN

  • PASS THE MARSHMALLOW TEST.

  • CUTTLEFISH ARE SHOWING MORE RESTRAINT THAN HUMANS.

  • AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD JUST BATTER AND FRY OURSELVES.

  • WELL, CHARLTON HESTON TRIED TO WARN US.

  • >> YOU MANIACS!

  • YOU ATE ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS!

  • DAMN YOU, FLORIDA!

  • GOSH DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT JOKE AT ALL.

  • I LOVE IT.

  • I LOVE IT.

  • I LOVE HESTON.

  • I LOVE THE CUTTLEFISH.

  • IT'S STUPID.

  • I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE CUTTLEFISH IS LADY LIBERTY IN

  • THIS ONE.

  • CAN EITHER OF YOU EXPLAIN IT?

  • >> IT'S A METAPHOR.

  • >> Stephen: FOR WHAT?

  • AMERICA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THERE'S ANOTHER

  • THING PUTTING A SPRING IN MY STEP, AND THAT'S MUSIC!

  • LAST NIGHT WAS THE 63RD ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS, HOSTED BY MY

  • FRIEND AND PARAMOUNT+ COLLEAGUE, TREVOR NOAH!

  • TREVOR KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE ARENA --

  • IN THAT HE WAS OUT OF THE ARENA, BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME

  • THE GRAMMYS TOOK PLACE OUTDOORS.

  • WHICH WORKED OUT GREAT EXCEPT FOR WHEN BRUNO MARS WAS CARRIED

  • OFF BY A HAWK.

  • THOUGHT IT WAS A RABBITT.

  • EAGLE THOUGHT IT WAS A RABBITT.

  • HE'S A TINY MAN.

  • THIS YEAR, FEMALE ARTISTS WON BIG.

  • ESPECIALLY BEYONCE, WHO WENT IN WITH NINE NOMINATIONS-- THE MOST

  • OF THE NIGHT-- AND BY THE END OF THE EVENING, BROKE THE RECORD

  • FOR THE MOST GRAMMYS WON BY A WOMAN, AND ANY SINGER, MALE OR

  • FEMALE, WITH 28.

  • HOPEFULLY, SHE FINALLY GOT ONE WHERE THE LITTLE RECORD PLAYER

  • ACTUALLY WORKS.

  • I WON THIS A COUPLE YEARS BACK, AND THE SOUND QUALITY IS

  • TERRIBLE.

  • I CAN'T GET IT TO PAIR WITH MY EAR BUDS.

  • WHAT'S THAT?

  • OKAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO SHOW ONE

  • WAY.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • I'M GOING TO GET A LETTER.

  • I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE LETTER FROM THE ACADEMY FOR

  • DOING THIS.

  • WHAT?

  • HIDEOUS.

  • BEAUTIFUL.

  • HIDEOUS.

  • BEAUTIFUL.

  • COME AT ME.

  • IT WAS ALSO A BIG NIGHT FOR TAYLOR SWIFT, OR T-SWIZZLE AS I

  • CALL HER, DESPITE THE COURT ORDER, WHO BECAME THE FIRST

  • WOMAN TO WIN ALBUM OF THE YEAR THREE TIMES.

  • NOT ONLY THAT, HER LIVE PERFORMANCE WON THE AWARD FOR

  • MOST MOSS.

  • HONESTLY, AFTER A YEAR OF NOT MOVING AT ALL, I CAN RELATE.

  • MY DEAR FRIEND MEGHAN THEE STALLION ALSO HAD A LOT TO

  • CELEBRATE.

  • SHE BECAME THE FIRST FEMALE RAPPER TO BE NAMED BEST NEW

  • ARTIST SINCE 1999, AND PUT ON A SCORCHING PERFORMANCE OF "WAP"

  • WITH CARDI B.

  • IT WAS SO HOT, MEGHAN HAD TO TELL US HOW TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.

  • >> ♪ NOW MAKE IT RAIN IF YOU WANNA SEE SOME WET-WET-WET

  • >> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS CBS, LAST NIGHT, "WAP"

  • STOOD FOR "WATCH 'ABISHOLA' AND 'PICARD.'"

  • HEY, SPEAKING OF RISQUE, HARRY STYLES MADE HIS OWN FASHION

  • STATEMENT WITH A COUPLE OF FEATHER BOAS AND THIS $450 GUCCI

  • BANANA PENIS NECKLACE, THAT -- SLIGHTLY BLURRED HERE -- THAT

  • IMMEDIATELY SOLD OUT ONLINE.

  • SO, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO BUY A PHALLIC BANANA, I'M AFRAID

  • YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A BANANA.

  • NOW, I LOVE HARRY STYLES-- WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, ONE

  • IMAGINES-- BUT I HAVE TO WONDER, WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE WAS HE

  • TRYING TO SEND WITH THAT CHOICE OF PENILE FRUIT JEWELRY?

  • WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET FROM IT?

  • THAT HIS MEMBER IS PERFECTLY RIPE WHEN IT DEVELOPS LIGHT

  • BROWN SPOTS?

  • THAT HIS PENIS IS A SURPRISING SOURCE OF POTASSIUM AND HE

  • RECOMMENDS SERVING HIS PENIS SLICED UP ON RICE KRISPIES?

  • THAT I CAN MAKE BREAD WITH HARRY STYLES' PENIS?

  • ALSO, DOES ONE HAVE TO PEEL HIS PENIS?

  • BEFORE YOU ENJOY IT?

  • WE MAY NEVER KNOW.

  • BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO GET YOUR HANDS ON HARRY STYLES'

  • BANANA PENIS-- NECKLACE.

  • IT'S SOLD OUT.

  • THIS LEAVES A SPRAWLING GAP IN THE MARKET FOR OTHER

  • ANATOMICALLY CORRECT FOOD ACCESSORIES-- WHICH "A LATE

  • SHOW" IS PROUD TO EXCLUSIVELY OFFER TONIGHT.

  • LIKE THIS STUNNING STERLING SILVER PEAR SCROTUM.

  • OR BEDECK YOUR EARS WITH THESE GORGEOUS PINEAPPLE

  • VAGINAS.

  • OR A BEAUTIFUL STATEMENT RING.

  • THE STATEMENT: THIS TURNIP LOOKS LIKE A BUTT.

  • IT PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY WITH OUR ONE-OF-A-KIND EMERALD AVOCADO

  • TAINT.

  • OOH, AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT ALL OF THESE PIECES ARE SOLD OUT.

  • SUCH A SHAME.

  • ALL THE PROCEEDS WERE GOING TO GO TO A CHARITY TO HELP PEOPLE

  • INJURED WHILE SLIPPING ON HARRY STYLES' BANANA PENIS.

  • I WROTE THAT JOKE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • RINGO STARR IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TAKE A LOOK AT A YEAR WITHOUT BROADWAY.