I GET TO TALK TO RINGO STARR TONIGHT.

THAT ONE.

PEACE AND LOVE, RINGO!

SOMETIMES CALLED THE FIFTH BEETLE.

WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT AND I AM FEELING PRETTY DARN

GOOD.

NOT JUST THE RINGO THING BUT IT'S BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN THE LAST YEAR I FEEL LIKE THE GLASS IS HALF FULL.

IT'S PRETTY SURE THAT'S WATER, DOESN'T SMELL LIKE BLEACH.

BECAUSE AFTER A YEAR OF RELENTLESS DARK NEWS ABOUT THE

PANDEMIC, THERE MAY FINALLY BE SOME LIGHT AT THE END OF THE

TUNNEL.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEWLY-UPDATED SEGMENT: "CATCH

-- I'LL INFECT YOU, MY PRETTY AND YOUR LITTLE DOGS!

T-- AHHH! I'M MELTING.

>> Stephen: HEY, DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME!

COMPLAIN TO THE PROP DEPARTMENT.

THEY KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH THIS WHEN THEY GIVE IT TO

ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M NOT THE ONE YOU NEED TO TALK TO.

QUICK MESSAGE TO PROPS.

>> STEPHEN: THIS WEEKEND, WE REACHED A VERY EXCITING

MILESTONE: THE UNITED STATES HAS NOW ADMINISTERED OVER

100 MILLION DOSES OF COVID-19 VACCINE, MEANING, ALMOST 20% OF

THE TOTAL POPULATION HAVE GOTTEN AT LEAST ONE DOSE.

OKAY, 20%, THAT'S ONE FIFTH.

SO, NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A GROUP OF FIVE PEOPLE, LOOK AROUND AND

SAY TO YOURSELF, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN A GROUP OF FIVE

PEOPLE?

I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY SHOT YET!" ONE PERSON WHO GOT THE VACCINE

THIS WEEKEND WAS 18-TIME GRAMMY-WINNING CELLIST YO-YO-MA,

WHO DIDN'T JUST GET HIS SHOT, HE BROUGHT HIS CELLO WITH HIM, AND

THEN, DURING THE 15-MINUTE OBSERVATION PERIOD, PLAYED A

SURPRISE CONCERT.

THAT'S LOVELY, BUT HOW MUCH OF A SURPRISE IS IT WHEN YO-YO MA

PLAYS THE CELLO?

"OH, MY GOSH, YO-YO, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE IN THAT GIANT

CELLO-SHAPED CASE?

I'M GOING TO SAY A VERY VOLUPTUOUS CLARINET?

OH, IT'S A CELLO?

YES, WE WERE SURPRISED!" HERE'S A TASTE OF THE CONCERT:

("AVE MARIA") ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.

PERFECTION.

TRANSPORTING.

THANK YOU, YO-YO.

WHAT A LOVELY GIFT FOR EVERYONE WAITING FOR THEIR SHOT TO TAKE

EFFECT.

I WANT TO POINT OUT, "AVE MARIA" IS

PLAYED AT A LOT OF FUNERALS.

IT'S A PANDEMIC, LET'S KEEP IT LIGHT.

IS THERE A CELLO VERSION OF "UPTOWN FUNK?"

BUT DESPITE ALL THE GOOD NEWS, THERE MAY BE TROUBLE ON THE

HORIZON, BECAUSE NEARLY 30% OF AMERICANS-- AND HALF

OF ALL REPUBLICAN MEN-- SAY THEY DO NOT INTEND TO GET ONE OF THE

VACCINES.

FIRST OF ALL, I CALL DIBS ON THEIRS.

SECOND OF ALL, WHY?

WHY, REPUBLICAN MEN?

WHY?

YOUR GUY'S TAKING CREDIT FOR THE VACCINE.

YOU'RE INSULTING HIM BY NOT GETTING JABBED.

YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK HIS "WHATEVER'S-WHERE-HIS-HEART-SHOU

LD-BE."

YESTERDAY, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI WAS ON THE FOX NEWS AND, IN AN

ATTEMPT TO GET THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO ENCOURAGE HIS

FOLLOWERS TO GET VACCINATED, HE TRIED FLAT-OUT FLATTERY:

>> HE'S A VERY WIDELY POPULAR PERSON AMONG REPUBLICANS.

IF HE CAME OUT AND SAID, "GO AND GET VACCINATED, IT'S REALLY

IMPORTANT FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE HEALTH OF YOUR FAMILY, AND THE

HEALTH OF THE COUNTRY," IT SEEMS ABSOLUTELY INEVITABLE THAT THE

VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WHO ARE HIS CLOSE FOLLOWERS WOULD LISTEN

TO HIM.

HE'S SUCH A STRONGLY POPULAR PERSON.

>> STEPHEN: (AS FAUCI) "HE'S SO STRONGLY POPULAR, AND

MIGHT I ADD, VERY ATTRACTIVE.

AS AN IMMUNOLOGIST, I'D SAY HE'S CONTAGIOUSLY SEXY, AND I

DIAGNOSE HIM WITH ONE FINE ANTI-BODY.

JUST LOOKING AT HIM, I RUN A FEVER OF 100-AND-DAMN!

IS IT WORKING?

IS HE ACTING RESPONSIBLE YET?

HUBBA HUBBA."

"TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT BUT NOT HIS HAIR BECAUSE THAT HAIR

IS REAL."

BUT TO GET EVERYONE THEIR SHOTS, WE NEED LEADERSHIP IN EVERY PART

OF THE COMMUNITY.

WHICH IS WHY THOUSANDS OF CLERGY MEMBERS FROM A CROSS SECTION OF

FAITHS-- IMAMS, RABBIS, PRIESTS, AND SWAMIS-- ARE TRYING TO COAX

THE HESITANT TO GET VACCINATED AGAINST COVID-19.

REMINDS ME OF THAT JOKE: A PRIEST, A RABBI, AN IMAM AND A

SWAMI WALK INTO A BAR-- AND IT'S OKAY 'CAUSE THEY ALL GOT

VACCINATED!

AT ONE EVANGELICAL CHURCH IN FLORIDA, THE REVEREND ENCOURAGES

HIS CONGREGATION BY REMINDING THEM THAT OUR TRADITION IS RICH

WITH CHRIST THE HEALER.

YES, AND REMEMBER, CHRIST IS SCHEDULED TO COME BACK FOR A

SECOND DOSE ON A CLOUD OF GLORY.

FOR CATHOLICS, POPE FRANCIS DECLARED THAT CORONAVIRUS SHOTS

ARE "MORALLY ACCEPTABLE."

AND WHEN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DESCRIBES SOMETHING AS MORALLY

ACCEPTABLE, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT IT IS.

THE POINT IS, IF EVERYONE GETS VACCINATED, WE CAN MAKE IT

THROUGH THIS PANDEMIC IN JUST A FEW MONTHS, AS LONG AS AMERICANS

DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID-- AND WE'RE DOOMED, 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT

TO PASS WHAT'S KNOWN AS "THE MARSHMALLOW TEST."

BACK IN THE EARLY '70S, A STANFORD RESEARCHER RAN A TEST

WITH A GROUP OF 600 PRESCHOOLERS.

HE WOULD GIVE EACH CHILD A MARSHMALLOW AND GIVE THEM THE

OPTION OF EATING IT IMMEDIATELY IF THEY CHOSE.

BUT IF THEY COULD WAIT 15 MINUTES, THEY WOULD GET A SECOND

MARSHMALLOW AS A REWARD.

THAT STORY MAKES ME SO HUNGRY.

ANYWAY -- ANYWAY -- ABOUT A THIRD -- STOP WHAT?

IT'S A MARSHMALLOW, YOU BABY.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN HERE.

>> Stephen: OH, DON'T DO ANYTHING SILLY.

IT'S A COMEDY SHOW!

( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY --

ANYWAY, ABOUT A THIRD OF THE KIDS WAITED TO GET THE SECOND

MARSHMALLOW, AND THE RESEARCHER FOUND THAT, YEARS LATER, THEY

HAD BETTER OUTCOMES IN LIFE, THANKS TO THEIR ABILITY TO DELAY

GRATIFICATION.

SIMILARLY, IF WE CAN DELAY THE GRATIFICATION OF GOING OUT FOR

JUST A FEW MORE WEEKS WHILE EVERYONE GETS VACCINATED, WE

CAN-- >> SPRING BREAKERS TOUCHING DOWN

IN THE SUNSHINE STATE.

FROM FORT LAUDERDALE TO MIAMI BEACH, SOUTH FLORIDA BARS

AND RESTAURANTS PACKED WITH PEOPLE.

>> STEPHEN: FLORIDA!

I KNOW WHAT IT'S GOING TO SAY ON OUR NATION'S TOMBSTONE:

"AMERICA 1776-2021.

DESTROYED BY OUR BIGGEST DICK."

ONE SPRING BREAKER EXPLAINED "GRANNY SHOULDN'T BE OUT HERE

ANYWAYS.

IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE."

NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULDN'T BE OUT THERE.

GRANNY'S VACCINATED.

THOSE BARS OUGHT TO BE DOING OPPOSITE CARDING.

"YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 75.

START HUMMING YOUR FAVORITE PERRY COMO SONG OR I'M CALLING

THE COPS."

♪ CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET ♪

SO, CLEARLY, WHEN IT COMES TO COVID, AMERICA IS FAILING THE

MARSHMALLOW TEST.

AND THAT'S EMBARRASSING, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THE FACT THAT

THIS MONTH, SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCED THAT CUTTLEFISH-- SQUID-- CAN

PASS THE MARSHMALLOW TEST.

CUTTLEFISH ARE SHOWING MORE RESTRAINT THAN HUMANS.

AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD JUST BATTER AND FRY OURSELVES.

WELL, CHARLTON HESTON TRIED TO WARN US.

>> YOU MANIACS!

YOU ATE ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS!

DAMN YOU, FLORIDA!

GOSH DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

>> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT JOKE AT ALL.

I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT.

I LOVE HESTON.

I LOVE THE CUTTLEFISH.

IT'S STUPID.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE CUTTLEFISH IS LADY LIBERTY IN

THIS ONE.

CAN EITHER OF YOU EXPLAIN IT?

>> IT'S A METAPHOR.

>> Stephen: FOR WHAT?

AMERICA.

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THERE'S ANOTHER

THING PUTTING A SPRING IN MY STEP, AND THAT'S MUSIC!

LAST NIGHT WAS THE 63RD ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS, HOSTED BY MY

FRIEND AND PARAMOUNT+ COLLEAGUE, TREVOR NOAH!

TREVOR KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE ARENA --

IN THAT HE WAS OUT OF THE ARENA, BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME

THE GRAMMYS TOOK PLACE OUTDOORS.

WHICH WORKED OUT GREAT EXCEPT FOR WHEN BRUNO MARS WAS CARRIED

OFF BY A HAWK.

THOUGHT IT WAS A RABBITT.

EAGLE THOUGHT IT WAS A RABBITT.

HE'S A TINY MAN.

THIS YEAR, FEMALE ARTISTS WON BIG.

ESPECIALLY BEYONCE, WHO WENT IN WITH NINE NOMINATIONS-- THE MOST

OF THE NIGHT-- AND BY THE END OF THE EVENING, BROKE THE RECORD

FOR THE MOST GRAMMYS WON BY A WOMAN, AND ANY SINGER, MALE OR

FEMALE, WITH 28.

HOPEFULLY, SHE FINALLY GOT ONE WHERE THE LITTLE RECORD PLAYER

ACTUALLY WORKS.

I WON THIS A COUPLE YEARS BACK, AND THE SOUND QUALITY IS

TERRIBLE.

I CAN'T GET IT TO PAIR WITH MY EAR BUDS.

WHAT'S THAT?

OKAY.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO SHOW ONE

WAY.

IT'S TRUE.

I'M GOING TO GET A LETTER.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE LETTER FROM THE ACADEMY FOR

DOING THIS.

WHAT?

HIDEOUS.

BEAUTIFUL.

HIDEOUS.

BEAUTIFUL.

COME AT ME.

IT WAS ALSO A BIG NIGHT FOR TAYLOR SWIFT, OR T-SWIZZLE AS I

CALL HER, DESPITE THE COURT ORDER, WHO BECAME THE FIRST

WOMAN TO WIN ALBUM OF THE YEAR THREE TIMES.

NOT ONLY THAT, HER LIVE PERFORMANCE WON THE AWARD FOR

MOST MOSS.

HONESTLY, AFTER A YEAR OF NOT MOVING AT ALL, I CAN RELATE.

MY DEAR FRIEND MEGHAN THEE STALLION ALSO HAD A LOT TO

CELEBRATE.

SHE BECAME THE FIRST FEMALE RAPPER TO BE NAMED BEST NEW

ARTIST SINCE 1999, AND PUT ON A SCORCHING PERFORMANCE OF "WAP"

WITH CARDI B.

IT WAS SO HOT, MEGHAN HAD TO TELL US HOW TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.

>> ♪ NOW MAKE IT RAIN IF YOU WANNA SEE SOME WET-WET-WET ♪

>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS CBS, LAST NIGHT, "WAP"

STOOD FOR "WATCH 'ABISHOLA' AND 'PICARD.'"

HEY, SPEAKING OF RISQUE, HARRY STYLES MADE HIS OWN FASHION

STATEMENT WITH A COUPLE OF FEATHER BOAS AND THIS $450 GUCCI

BANANA PENIS NECKLACE, THAT -- SLIGHTLY BLURRED HERE -- THAT

IMMEDIATELY SOLD OUT ONLINE.

SO, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO BUY A PHALLIC BANANA, I'M AFRAID

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A BANANA.

NOW, I LOVE HARRY STYLES-- WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, ONE

IMAGINES-- BUT I HAVE TO WONDER, WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE WAS HE

TRYING TO SEND WITH THAT CHOICE OF PENILE FRUIT JEWELRY?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET FROM IT?

THAT HIS MEMBER IS PERFECTLY RIPE WHEN IT DEVELOPS LIGHT

BROWN SPOTS?

THAT HIS PENIS IS A SURPRISING SOURCE OF POTASSIUM AND HE

RECOMMENDS SERVING HIS PENIS SLICED UP ON RICE KRISPIES?

THAT I CAN MAKE BREAD WITH HARRY STYLES' PENIS?

ALSO, DOES ONE HAVE TO PEEL HIS PENIS?

BEFORE YOU ENJOY IT?

WE MAY NEVER KNOW.

BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO GET YOUR HANDS ON HARRY STYLES'

BANANA PENIS-- NECKLACE.

IT'S SOLD OUT.

THIS LEAVES A SPRAWLING GAP IN THE MARKET FOR OTHER

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT FOOD ACCESSORIES-- WHICH "A LATE

SHOW" IS PROUD TO EXCLUSIVELY OFFER TONIGHT.

LIKE THIS STUNNING STERLING SILVER PEAR SCROTUM.

OR BEDECK YOUR EARS WITH THESE GORGEOUS PINEAPPLE

VAGINAS.

OR A BEAUTIFUL STATEMENT RING.

THE STATEMENT: THIS TURNIP LOOKS LIKE A BUTT.

IT PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY WITH OUR ONE-OF-A-KIND EMERALD AVOCADO

TAINT.

OOH, AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT ALL OF THESE PIECES ARE SOLD OUT.

SUCH A SHAME.

ALL THE PROCEEDS WERE GOING TO GO TO A CHARITY TO HELP PEOPLE

INJURED WHILE SLIPPING ON HARRY STYLES' BANANA PENIS.

I WROTE THAT JOKE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.