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>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
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WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HHOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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BUT, FOLKS, THIS ISN'T JUST ANY OLD "A LATE SHOW."
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TODAY, MARCH 12, MARKS THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE
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LAST SHOW WE DID IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER BEFORE WE
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STARTED BROADCASTING OUT OF A DISCARDED ALTOID TIN.
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AT LEAST IT WOULD MARK THE ANNIVERSARY IF I STILL FOLLOWED
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THE CALENDAR OF THE BEFORE TIMES.
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WE ALL NOW LIVE IN THE PERPETUAL MONTH OF "SWEATS-TEMBER."
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TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT THIS YEAR THAT WE, TOGETHER,
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SPENT APART.
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BECAUSE THIS IS "A LATE SHOW'S QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL:
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THE YEAR THAT TOOK 100 YEARS BUT WAS ALSO SOMEHOW ONE LONG DAY."
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>> Stephen: SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THE PAST YEAR.
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THINK ABOUT HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW!
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LAST FEBRUARY, IF SOMEONE SAID "ZOOM ME," YOU WOULD HAVE SAID,
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"WHAT?
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YOU HAVE TO TALK LOUDER.
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I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE WE'RE IN A VERY CROWDED BAR!
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HAY, CAN I HAVE A SIP OUT OF YOUR BEER USING MY BARE FACE?"
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THIS TIME LAST YEAR, WE SUDDENLY ALL FOUND OURSELVES IN LOCKDOWN,
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WHICH ALLOWED US TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH OUR FAMILIES--
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ALSO, QUANTITY TIME.
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BECAUSE SHORTLY AFTER THIS TIME LAST YEAR, SCHOOLS CLOSED ACROSS
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THE COUNTRY.
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IT STARTED AS KIND OF A "SNOW DAY," THEN BECAME A "SNOW
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MONTH," AND FINALLY A "SNO WAY I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UNLESS
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MY KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL."
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AS WE LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE DISEASE, IT GOT A LITTLE
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SCARIER.
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FOR EXAMPLE, WE FOUND OUT "YOU CAN BE INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS,
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HAVE NO SYMPTOMS, AND STILL BE CONTAGIOUS."
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THAT'S RIGHT: JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE IT, DOESN'T MEAN COVID
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ISN'T THERE.
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IT'S LIKE TERMITE DAMAGE, OR THE LAST FIVE NICOLAS CAGE MOVIES.
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SO IN APRIL, THE C.D.C. BEGAN RECOMMENDING THAT "PEOPLE WEAR
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CLOTH OR FABRIC FACE COVERINGS WHEN ENTERING PUBLIC SPACES,"
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WHICH REPLACED THE WHITE HOUSE'S RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FENDING OFF
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COVID: MASSIVE DOSES OF PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH BEAN.
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BECAUSE IT'S AMERICA, IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE MASK WEARING
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DEVOLVED INTO A POLITICAL ISSUE.
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APPARENTLY, SPREADING AEROSOLIZED VIRUS IS A CHERISHED
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FREEDOM.
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WHO CAN FORGET PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS CRY, "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR
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GIVE ME DEATH!
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OR SLIP ME SOME TONGUE AND GIVE ME BOTH!"
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AND THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE YEAR, WE COULD ALWAYS LOOK TO ONE
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MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AS A BEACON OF SCIENCE AND SANITY: OUR GUEST
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TONIGHT, EPIDEMIOLOGIST AND MAN EXPLAINING HOW BACK RUBS CAN
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BOOST THE IMMUNE SYSTEM, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
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FAUCI WAS SO POPULAR THAT, BACK IN APRIL, HE BECAME A WRITE-IN
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NOMINEE FOR PEOPLE'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE."
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THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN BEGGING YOU TO STAY SIX FEET
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AWAY THAT JUST MAKES YOU WANT HIM MORE.
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SHOCKINGLY, THE WINNER TURNED OUT TO BE MICHAEL B. JORDAN,
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WHO, WHILE NOT AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST, HAS BEEN
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PUBLISHED IN THE "NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MAMA LIKE!"
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I'M EXCITED TO TALK TO DR. FAUCI.
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WE TRIED TO GET HIM ON THE SHOW ALL LAST YEAR, BUT HE WASN'T
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AVAILABLE.
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THEN AROUND JANUARY 20 HIS SCHEDULE STARTED FREEING UP FOR
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SOME REASON.
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BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THE GOOD DOCTOR, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
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A LITTLE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE DURING THIS QUARANTINE.
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YOU SEE, FOR ME, AND PERHAPS FOR SOME OF YOU, THE PAST 12 MONTHS
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HAVE BEEN BOTH TERRIBLE AND WONDERFUL.
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IT WAS, AS DICKENS WROTE, THE BEST OF TIMES AND THE WORST OF
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TIMES.
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INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN IN QUARANTINE FOR A YEAR, AND
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THAT'S AS MUCH OF THE BOOK THAT I'VE READ.
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A LITTLE TROUBLE FOCUSING.
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YOU SEE, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE WE SAW THE TOLL
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THAT THIS PANDEMIC HAD ALL ACROSS AMERICA, WITH PEOPLE
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LOSING THEIR LOVED ONES AND THEIR JOBS, AND HAVING TO ADAPT
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TO A STARK NEW REALITY.
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AND, OF COURSE, THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION REALLY SHANKED
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THEIR RESPONSE.
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IT'S IRONIC THAT THEY DISCOURAGED MASKS, BECAUSE THEY
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SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO SHOW THEIR FACES IN PUBLIC.
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BUT THE PAST YEAR WAS ALSO THE BEST OF TIMES, BECAUSE WHERE OUR
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LEADERS FAILED, WE SAW AMERICANS STEPPING UP, HELPING EACH OTHER
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OUT, WORKING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
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AND EVEN THOUGH THIS VIRUS GROUND A LOT OF THINGS TO A
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SCREECHING HALT, IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE AMERICANS FIGHT
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TO MAKE SURE WE STILL MADE PROGRESS, WHETHER IT BE TAKING
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TO THE STREETS TO DEMAND AN END TO SYSTEMIC RACISM OR TAKING TO
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THE VOTING BOOTH TO BRING NEW LEADERS.
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AND LIKE A LOT OF YOU, I HAD BIG PLANS WHEN THE QUARANTINE
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STARTED.
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I TOLD MYSELF I WAS GOING TO GET IN SHAPE.
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AND ONE YEAR LATER, I AM IN A SHAPE.
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SO MISSION ATTEMPTED.
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BUT THERE WERE POSITIVE THINGS, TOO, LIKE A FEW MONTHS INTO THE
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QUARANTINE WHEN I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE
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SOURDOUGH BREAD.
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I HAD BEEN TRYING FOR MONTHS, BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK.
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AND THEN, AND THIS IS TRUE, A STRANGER SENT ME A 150-YEAR-OLD
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SOURDOUGH STARTER.
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IT ARRIVED IN THE MAIL, FROM SOMEBODY I DID NOT KNOW, AND
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LOOKED LIKE PAINT CHIPS, BUT I SAID, SURE, I'LL PLAY "FOOD FROM
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A STRANGER ROULETTE!" AND IT TURNED OUT GREAT!
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IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE, BEFORE THIS ALL
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STARTED, I USED TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE.
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WOW!
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THAT MAKES ME SO NOSTALGIC-- AND CREEPED OUT.
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WHY WAS I TOUCHING STRANGERS' HANDS?
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AND WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?
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WAS I A VECTOR?
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BACK IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH THE BAND AND THE AUDIENCE,
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WE CALLED WHAT WE DID "THE LATE SHOW."
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BUT YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT FOR THE PAST YEAR, WE'VE BEEN
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CALLING IT "A LATE SHOW," BECAUSE IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE
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SHOW WE USED TO DO.
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IT'S A VERSION OF IT.
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AND, I PROMISE, WE'LL GET BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" JUST AS
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SOON WE WE CAN DO IT IN A WAY THAT'S THE SAFE WAY FOR MY
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STAFF, CREW, AND AUDIENCE.
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BUT IT'S ALSO THE BEST OF TIMES BECAUSE, OCCASIONALLY, I DO HAVE
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AN AUDIENCE OF ONE: MY WIFE, EVIE.
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WHEN I WAS FIRST STARTING OUT IN COMEDY, I REMEMBER THINKING, "IF
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I CAN MAKE STRANGERS LAUGH THE WAY I MAKE EVIE LAUGH, I'LL BE
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DOING OKAY."
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AND NOW I LITERALLY CAN'T MAKE STRANGERS LAUGH, BUT I DO GET
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TO HEAR EV FROM TIME TO TIME.
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AND I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT I REALLY LOVE INTERVIEWING PEOPLE
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VIA ZOOM.
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WE'VE HAD SOME AMAZING GUESTS, AND I'VE HAD SOME REALLY
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FASCINATING CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM IN THIS NEW ZOOM FORMAT.
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I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HAVING NO AUDIENCE, IT
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BEING JUST ME AND THE GUEST, LOOKING IN EACH OTHERS EYES,
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THAT'S JUST MORE INTIMATE SOMEHOW.
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ALTHOUGH, I PROMISE, AUDIENCE, WHEN I WAS INTERVIEWING
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CLOONEY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME.
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IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE WE HAD TO FIND A NEW WAY
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TO MAKE THIS SHOW, ON THE FLY, AS WE WERE DOING IT.
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IT'S LIKE REBUILDING A TRANSMISSION WHILE YOU'RE DOING
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60 DOWN A FREEWAY.
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AND IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES BECAUSE MY STAFF AND CREW DID
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IT.
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THEY MADE IT ALL HAPPEN.
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AND, INCIDENTALLY, THAT INCLUDES EVIE AND OUR THREE KIDS, WHO
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WERE ALL ROPED IN TO BE CAMERA PEOPLE, ELECTRICIANS, AND
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PRODUCERS WHEN WE TAPED THE SHOW FROM HOME.
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AND I LOVED THOSE MOMENTS WITH MY FAMILY.
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IT WAS A CHANCE TO SAY TO THEM, "LET'S PUT DOWN ALL OF THE
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SCREENS AND DEVICES AND SPEND A LITTLE TIME TOGETHER MAKING SURE
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DAD'S SHOW IS ON OTHER PEOPLE'S SCREENS AND DEVICES, BECAUSE DAD
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DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WORK ANY OF THESE SCREENS AND DEVICES."
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WE DID "A LATE SHOW" FROM SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES: A TUB, A
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FIRE PIT, A PORCH, A SPARE BEDROOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA FOR
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FIVE MONTHS, AND NOW HERE WE ARE IN WHAT USED TO BE A
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SUPPLY CLOSET IN THE ED SULLIVAN OFFICE BUILDING.
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IT'S BEEN A TOUR TO REMEMBER, SO WE'VE DECIDED TO REMEMBER IT
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WITH THIS ACTUAL "LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" CONCERT
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T-SHIRT.
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IT'S GOT A ROCKIN' LOGO ON THE FRONT, AND ALL OF THE TOUR DATES
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ON THE BACK.
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EVEN THAT ONE SHOW WE DID DOWN IN DELAWARE FEATURING SPECIAL
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GUESTS JOE AND DR. JILL BIDEN.
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I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS?
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WE ALSO HAVE A MASK WITH THE SAME LOGO AND A MUG, AND A MUG
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RIGHT THERE.
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AND WHAT QUARANTINE MERCH WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT SWEATPANTS
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WHICH SAY "NO SWEAT, ALL PANTS."
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AND ALL OF THIS IS AVAILABLE colbertlateshow.com/covidtour,
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OR YOU CAN JUST SCAN THIS Q.R.
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CODE WITH YOUR PHONE.
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AND WHILE WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE
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ABLE TO KEEP OUR BUSINESS GOING DURING THIS PANDEMIC, A LOT OF
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SMALL BUSINESSES HAVE NOT BEEN SO LUCKY.
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SO, WE ARE DONATING 100% OF "A LATE SHOW'S" PROCEEDS TO ACCION
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OPPORTUNITY FUND'S SMALL BUSINESS RELIEF FUND.
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A CHARITY SO NICE THEY FUNDED IT TWICE.
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IT SUPPORTS SMALL BUSINESSES IMPACTED BY THE COVID-19 CRISIS.
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SO HEAD TO colbertlateshow.com/covidtour,
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OR SCAN THE Q.R. CODE RIGHT HERE, AND PICK UP YOUR OWN "LATE
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SHOW" SWAG. IT'S STYLISH AND COMFORTABLE,
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COMFORTABLE, AND PERFECT FOR RELAXING ON THE COUCH AFTER A
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HARD DAY OF WORKING ON THE COUCH.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SUPERSTAR SEXY SCIENCE MAN,
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DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
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♪ ♪ ♪