Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles -Thank you very much! Hello! [ Cheers and applause ] And welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone. Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for being here. Well, guys, big news in Washington today as Congress finally passed the $1.9 trillion COVID relief package. That's right! [ Cheers and applause ] Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed. In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog. [ Laughter ] That's right, this bill is huge. It's $1.9 trillion. That's like a dollar for every e-mail you got this year that started with, "in these challenging times." [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, tomorrow, President Biden will deliver his first prime-time address to mark the one-year anniversary of the COVID shutdown. Yeah, one year ago today, many Americans left half a sandwich in their office like, "Eh, I'll get it tomorrow." [ Laughter ] Yep, Biden's very busy. Yesterday, he visited a local hardware store that received a small-business loan. And I thought his conversation with the owners was pretty interesting. Take a look at this video. [ Laughter and applause ] What? Later in the conversation, this happened. [ Laughter and applause ] I just found it odd, but then he left them with this. [ Laughter and applause ] What's he talking about? What? Some business news here. I saw that 7-Eleven is adding something new to its menu, and judging by the reactions, it should be a huge hit. -7-Eleven is adding a new item to its hot-food lineup -- fish bites. -Fish bites. -I just think that's a bad idea. -I have a very sensitive stomach, so I just get worried. I'm like, "Ooh, I don't know." -I have never been one to do fast-food fish. -This isn't even fast-food fish. This is 7-Eleven! [ Laughter ] -When the fish bites were added to the hot-food case, a 50-year-old taquito was like, "Welcome to hell, bitch!" [ Laughter and applause ] I know they've been busy, but how does the CDC let this slip through the cracks? You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ] But this is nice. If you order the fish bites, they just automatically hand you the bathroom key. [ Laughter ] Actually, I'd rather eat the bathroom key. [ Laughter ] Hey, well, this is cool. I saw that yesterday Timbaland and Swizz Beatz sold the streaming platform Verzuz to Triller. I feel like that sentence might be a little confusing if you don't know what those things are, so here, let's test that theory out. It's time for "Tell a Grandparent." ♪ -Tell a grandparent ♪ -Now, we arranged for one of our staff members' grandparents to join us on Zoom so we could tell them the news and get their reaction. Bob and Margaret, are you there? -Hi, Jimmy. -Thank you for joining us today. Are you ready for your news? -Sure. -Alright, yesterday, Timbaland and Swizz Beatz sold streaming platform Verzuz to Triller. -I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? [ Laughter ] -Sure. Timbaland and Swizz Beatz sold streaming platform Verzuz to Triller. -You think that's news? Call us back when Jay-Z sells Tidal to Clubhouse. [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh! -What? What? I didn't -- That didn't go how I planned. [ Laughter ] Did they dab at the end? Over in New Jersey, I read about an Amtrak worker who is being accused of stealing some interesting equipment. Listen to this. -An Amtrak engineer from New Jersey is accused of stealing 77 chain saws, 103 chain-saw bars, and 163 chains from Amtrak. [ Laughter ] -Luckily, he'll have no problem in jail. They're like, "What are you in for?" "Stealing chain saws." [ Laughter ] Every birthday, his wife looks at her gift box like, "Let me guess -- another chain saw." [ Laughter ] "Put it in the closet with the other ones." And, finally, a lot of people are talking about a TikTok that shows off one family's DIY quarantine project. Watch this. -During quarantine, my husband built a video rental store in our basement. Instead of refinishing our kitchen cabinets, he decided to build a video rental store. [ Laughter ] -Meanwhile, their friends are like, "I'm starting to think that GoFundMe wasn't to help with their mortgage."
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