Hello! [ Cheers and applause ]

And welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.

Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you for being here.

Well, guys, big news in Washington today as Congress

finally passed the $1.9 trillion COVID relief package.

That's right! [ Cheers and applause ]

Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed.

In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog.

[ Laughter ]

That's right, this bill is huge.

It's $1.9 trillion.

That's like a dollar for every e-mail you got this year

that started with, "in these challenging times."

[ Laughter ]

Meanwhile, tomorrow, President Biden will deliver

his first prime-time address

to mark the one-year anniversary of the COVID shutdown.

Yeah, one year ago today, many Americans left

half a sandwich in their office like,

"Eh, I'll get it tomorrow." [ Laughter ]

Yep, Biden's very busy.

Yesterday, he visited a local hardware store

that received a small-business loan.

And I thought his conversation

with the owners was pretty interesting.

Take a look at this video.

[ Laughter and applause ] What?

Later in the conversation, this happened.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I just found it odd, but then he left them with this.

[ Laughter and applause ]

What's he talking about?

What?

Some business news here.

I saw that 7-Eleven is adding something new to its menu,

and judging by the reactions, it should be a huge hit.

-7-Eleven is adding a new item to its hot-food lineup --

fish bites.

-Fish bites.

-I just think that's a bad idea.

-I have a very sensitive stomach, so I just get worried.

I'm like, "Ooh, I don't know."

-I have never been one to do fast-food fish.

-This isn't even fast-food fish.

This is 7-Eleven!

[ Laughter ]

-When the fish bites were added to the hot-food case,

a 50-year-old taquito was like, "Welcome to hell, bitch!"

[ Laughter and applause ]

I know they've been busy, but how does the CDC

let this slip through the cracks?

You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]

But this is nice. If you order the fish bites,

they just automatically hand you the bathroom key.

[ Laughter ]

Actually, I'd rather eat the bathroom key.

[ Laughter ] Hey, well, this is cool.

I saw that yesterday Timbaland and Swizz Beatz

sold the streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

I feel like that sentence might be a little confusing

if you don't know what those things are,

so here, let's test that theory out.

It's time for "Tell a Grandparent."

♪ -Tell a grandparent ♪

-Now, we arranged for one of our staff members' grandparents

to join us on Zoom so we could tell them

the news and get their reaction.

Bob and Margaret, are you there?

-Hi, Jimmy.

-Thank you for joining us today.

Are you ready for your news?

-Sure.

-Alright, yesterday, Timbaland and Swizz Beatz

sold streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

-I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

[ Laughter ]

-Sure.

Timbaland and Swizz Beatz sold

streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

-You think that's news?

Call us back when Jay-Z sells Tidal to Clubhouse.

[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh!

-What? What?

I didn't -- That didn't go how I planned.

[ Laughter ]

Did they dab at the end?

Over in New Jersey, I read about an Amtrak worker

who is being accused of stealing some interesting equipment.

Listen to this.

-An Amtrak engineer from New Jersey is accused of

stealing 77 chain saws, 103 chain-saw bars,

and 163 chains from Amtrak.

[ Laughter ]

-Luckily, he'll have no problem in jail.

They're like, "What are you in for?"

"Stealing chain saws."

[ Laughter ]

Every birthday, his wife looks at her gift box like,

"Let me guess -- another chain saw."

[ Laughter ]

"Put it in the closet with the other ones."

And, finally, a lot of people are talking about a TikTok

that shows off one family's DIY quarantine project.

Watch this.

-During quarantine,

my husband built a video rental store in our basement.

Instead of refinishing our kitchen cabinets,

he decided to build a video rental store.

[ Laughter ]

-Meanwhile, their friends are like, "I'm starting to think

that GoFundMe wasn't to help with their mortgage."