GLAD TO SEE YOU.

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

LET ME JUST GET A LITTLE... WHET THE WHISTLE BECAUSE THERE'S A

LOT OF WHISTLING TO DO TONIGHT, FOLKS.

IT'S A BIG DAY IN WASHINGTON-- BIG DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA,

BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

PASSED BIDEN'S $1.9 TRILLION COVID RELIEF PLAN.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOO!

SOMETHING HISTORIC HAPPENED ON CAPITOL HILL, AND IT WASN'T

PUNCHING A COP AND POOPING ON THE RUG.

WOOO!

IT'S A PRETTY LOW BAR.

WOOO!

WITH THIS PASSAGE, THE GOVERNMENT IS ABOUT TO SEND

$1,400 STIMULUS CHECKS TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

THERE YOU GO, BABY!

YOU'RE RICH!

BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE LIKE RENT OR MEDICINE.

THERE YOU GO!

SHAKE THEM UP.

I MEAN YOUR MEDICINE, SHAKE UP YOUR MEDICINE.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SHAKE IT UP FIRST.

I KNEW THOSE WOULD COME IN HANDY TONIGHT.

THE STIMULUS PACKAGE WAS PRESIDENT BIDEN'S FIRST MAJOR

LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MAJOR

BIDEN'S FIRST LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT: "THE CHOMPIN' ON

THE SECRET SERVICE, SQUIRREL!

SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! ACT."

AND IT'S NOT JUST CHECKS, FOLKS.

THE BILL INCLUDES ALL SORTS OF GOODIES FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS,

LIKE CONTINUED $300 WEEKLY UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS, A BOOSTED

CHILD TAX CREDIT, AID FOR STATES, LOCAL GOVERNMENTS AND

SCHOOLS, AND $20 IN GAP CASH FOR EVERY $100 YOU SPEND ON NEW

RELAXED-FIT JOGGERS.

NANCY PELOSI WAS LITERALLY SINGING THE BILL'S PRAISES.

>> ♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪ I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT ♪

>> Stephen: ♪ SHE'S ABOUT TO FUND A SCHOOL

♪ AND I THINK SHE LIKES IT! ♪ WHO HAS TO CLEAN ALL THIS UP, BY

THE WAY?

NOT ME.

I'M A JOB CREATOR IS WHAT I AM!

THE $1.9 TRILLION PRICE TAG BRINGS THE TOTAL SPENT ON COVID

RELIEF TO $5.5 TRILLION DOLLARS.

BY COMPARISON, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION, WORLD WAR II COST THE

U.S. GOVERNMENT ROUGHLY $4 TRILLION.

HOPEFULLY, WE'LL GET SOME GREAT CORONAVIRUS MOVIES LIKE

"INOCULATING PRIVATE RYAN," OR ONE ABOUT YOUR UNCLE WHO STILL

WEARS HIS MASK BELOW HIS NOSE, "DUMB KIRK."

THE ADMINISTRATION SAYS A LARGE NUMBER OF AMERICANS COULD

RECEIVE THEIR $1,400 STIMULUS PAYMENTS BEFORE THE END OF

MARCH.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THERE'S FINALLY GOING TO BE AN END OF MARCH!

NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS PEOPLE TO GET THE MONEY A.S.A.P,

AS PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED YESTERDAY.

>> WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO EXPEDITE OUR

PAYMENTS AND NOT DELAY THEM, WHICH IS WHY THE PRESIDENT'S

NAME WILL NOT APPEAR ON THE MEMO LINE OF THIS ROUND OF STIMULUS

CHECKS.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

NAME WON'T APPEAR ON THE MEMO.

SHOCKING!

THE PRESIDENT LOVES PUTTING HIS NAME ON THINGS.

WE ALL REMEMBER BIDEN UNIVERSITY, BIDEN VODKA,

BIDEN AIRLINES, AND LUXURIOUS BIDEN TOWER.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE: DESPITE NOT HAVING HIS NAME ON THE CHECKS,

BIDEN IS GOING TO TAKE CREDIT.

HE, DR. JILL, KAMALA HARRIS, AND FIRST SECOND MAN DOUG ARE GOING

TO PROMOTE THE PLAN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, AND WHITE HOUSE

OFFICIALS ARE PREPARING A SPRAWLING SALES CAMPAIGN

DESIGNED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE BENEFITS OF THE COVID RELIEF

PACKAGE.

SO GET READY TO SEE A LOT OF BILLBOARDS THAT SAY, "MONEY: YOU

LIKE IT."

BIDEN SAYS HE'S DOING THIS P.R.

PUSH BECAUSE HE LEARNED FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKES.

>> MANY REMEMBER THAT IN 2009, WE EXPENDED A LOT OF POLITICAL

CAPITAL-- NANCY AND I AND OTHERS-- IN THE RECOVERY ACT.

AND THE ECONOMISTS TOLD US WE LITERALLY SAVED AMERICA FROM A

DEPRESSION.

BUT WE DIDN'T ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN WHAT WE HAD DONE.

BARACK WAS SO MODEST, HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE, AS HE SAID, A

VICTORY LAP.

I KEPT SAYING, "TELL PEOPLE WHAT WE DID."

AND HE SAID, "I DON'T HAVE TIME.

I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE A VICTORY LAP."

AND WE PAID A PRICE FOR THAT, IRONICALLY, FOR THAT HUMILITY.

>> Stephen: WELL, JOE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR

IT.

I FOR ONE AM TOO HUMBLE TO KEEP TACK OF WHEN I'VE SHOWN

HUMILITY; THOUGH, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY I DO HOST THE MOST

HUMBLE SHOW IN LATE NIGHT.

>> COLBERT, THE HUMBLE CHOICE!

>> Stephen: BIDEN MIGHT NOT NEED TO WORK TOO HARD TO SELL HIS

STIMULUS PLAN.

ACCORDING TO POLLS, 75% OF VOTERS SAID THEY SUPPORT THE

PACKAGE, AND BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE

IS A STEADY 57%.

OLD STEADY JOE.

HE MAY NOT BE AS EXCITING AS THE LAST GUY WE WERE WITH BUT,

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOOD WITH KIDS, IN THAT HE CARES WHETHER THEY

LIVE IN POVERTY.

THIS QUIET, UNFLASHY EFFORT TO JUST GET STUFF DONE HAS SOME IN

THE PRESS CALLING THE PRESIDENT "NO DRAMA BIDEN."

NO, PRESS, NO.

THAT IS OBAMA'S NAME.

YOU CAN'T GIVE IT TO THE NEW GUY.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL HIM JOE "THE ROCK" BIDEN, OR "AIR"

BIDEN, OR "JOEY GAGA."

PLUS, IT'S "NO DRAMA OBAMA" BECAUSE IT RHYMES, OKAY?

WHAT ABOUT "TRAIN RIDIN'" BIDEN, OR "NOT EXCIDIN'" BIDEN? OR

"CARES WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE-DEN" BIDEN?

IT'S NOT JUST THE STIMULUS.

BIDEN IS DELIVERING ON OTHER PROMISES AS WELL.

WE ALL REMEMBER THIS: >> OUR GOAL OF 100 MILLION SHOTS

AT THE END OF MY FIRST 100 DAYS AS PRESIDENT.

>> Stephen: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS BUT ACHIEVABLE GOAL.

IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE LAST GUY, I THINK I PERSONALLY

DID NEARLY 100 MILLION SHOTS.

WELL, TODAY MARKS THE 50th DAY OF BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY.

TO CELEBRATE, I GOT THE PRESIDENT A CARD.

IT SAYS, "CONGRATU-"

JOE, YOU GET THE OTHER HALF IN 50 DAYS.

EARN IT.

ANYWAY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT WAS SO HOSTILE.

ANYWAY, WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST 100 DAYS, AND WHEN IT

COMES TO THE VACCINE, SO FAR, AMERICANS HAVE GOTTEN-- DRUM

ROLL, PLEASE-- MORE THAN 75 MILLION DOSES.

WOO!

NO, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T WASTE IT!

>> SORRY!

>> Stephen: IN FACT, BIDEN IS ON PACE TO HIT HIS GOAL OF 100

MILLION VACCINE DOSES AS SOON AS THE END OF NEXT WEEK.

THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.

WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?

>> IT IS CALLED PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, IRRELEVANT STRANGER.

AND HERE IS THE THING.

AS MUCH LEGISLATIVE MEAT AS JOE IS TOSSING ON THE GRIDDLE,

REPUBLICANS ARE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE STICKING A FORK IN HIM.

BECAUSE BIDEN ISN'T PROVING TO BE AN EASY TARGET OR ANIMATING

FIGURE FOR THE G.O.P. BASE.

TURNS OUT, SPENDING A YEAR CALLING SOMEONE SENILE AND

SLEEPY DOESN'T MAKE THEM A GOOD BOOGEYMAN.

NO ONE IS AFRAID THAT TOYKO IS GOING TO BE FLATTENED BY

OLD-ZILLA.

ONE G.O.P. SPOKESPERSON PUT IT THIS WAY: "THERE'S JUST NOT THE

ANTIPATHY TO BIDEN LIKE THERE WAS OBAMA.

HE JUST DOESN'T DRIVE CONSERVATIVE OUTRAGE."

HMMM...

I WONDER WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT OBAMA THAT ENRAGED THEIR BASE?

MAYBE THE ROYAL FAMILY KNOWS.

SO WITH NOTHING ELSE TO FIRE UP THE CROWD, THE G.O.P. IS TALKING

NONSTOP ABOUT CULTURAL ISSUES LIKE DR. SEUSS, MEGHAN MARKLE,

AND MR. POTATO HEAD-- ALSO KNOWN AS PIERS MORGAN.

THESE CULTURE WAR DISTRACTIONS WERE CALLED OUT YESTERDAY ON THE

HOUSE FLOOR BY OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND SPY FINDING

OUT LUNCH IS HERE, TIM RYAN.

DURING A DEBATE ABOUT STRENGTHENING PROTECTIONS FOR

UNIONS, RYAN SAID THIS: >> HEAVEN FORBID WE PASS

SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO HELP THE DAMN WORKERS IN THE UNITED

STATES OF AMERICA.

WE TALK ABOUT PENSIONS.

YOU COMPLAIN.

WE TALK ABOUT THE MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE, YOU COMPLAIN.

WE TALK ABOUT GIVING THEM THE RIGHT TO ORGANIZE, YOU COMPLAIN.

NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT DR. SEUSS AND START WORKING WITH US ON

BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN WORKERS.

>> Stephen: ( AS RYAN ) "YOU'RE COMPLAINING IN A BOX!

YOU COMPLAIN WHILE ON FOX!

YOU'RE COMPLAINING IN THE HOUSE ABOUT A SAME-SEX SPOUSE!

YOU WILL NOT HELP WITH UNION SUPPORT!

YOU WILL NOT READ THE MUELLER REPORT!

YOU WILL NOT HELP SUPPLY THE VAX!

YOU CAN KISS MY BIG LORAX!" COULD YOU HEAR ANYTHING