[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome.

Well, guys, I have some news

to make people feel a little better.

And that is the royal family

is just as messed up as everyone else's.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Yeah, last night, Oprah sat down with

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

for a two-hour prime-time special.

I actually thought it was a great interview.

Obviously, I love Oprah. She's the best.

But good on Meghan Markle for being brave enough to talk about

her own mental-health struggles

and all the stuff she had to deal with.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, we learned quite a bit

about the rules, the protocols, the firm.

We even learned that Tyler Perry took them in

when they came to America and provided them with security.

Basically, if you missed the interview,

the royal family was like, "Goodbye,"

and Tyler Perry was like, "Heller."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, last night was an intense and emotional two hours.

My wife, she walked in and asked why I was crying.

I was like, "The NBA all-star game is really good this year."

[ Laughter ]

"Steph Curry sank a Mountain Dew ball."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, we learned quite a bit from the interview,

like what we've been missing all year wasn't a normal life.

It was Oprah.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, it was a big event, mainly because they revealed

the baby's gender in California

without burning down an entire forest.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Last night, 17 million people watched the special,

which means the biggest shows on TV this weekend

were all about powerful women and redheads.

[ Laughter and applause ]

17 million.

The ratings were so big, ABC just offered the couple

their own weekly show called "Royal-ish."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, over 17 million viewers tuned in.

CBS celebrated until they heard that more than 600 million

watched a TikTok about feta cheese.

[ Laughter ]

If you thought this interview was big, tune in next Sunday

when Prince Charles is on "Dr. Phil" like, "Catch me outside."

[ Laughter ]

"How about that?

Catch me outside?"

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, Oprah's interview was such a big ratings success,

she's already got another prime-time special in the works.

Check out this promo I saw.

-Oprah is back with another prime-time interview

with another powerhouse couple.

-You don't know what I'm going to ask.

-And it's her most intense... -What was that conversation?

-...interview... -Wait, hold up.

-...yet. -So, are you ready?

[ Laughter ]

-Oprah with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

-Unbelievable.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

Another big moment during the interview was when Harry was

asked about his dad, and he casually mentioned this.

-When we were in Canada, I had three conversations

with my grandmother and two conversations with my father

before he stopped taking my calls.

-Even worse, he'd respond to texts with,

"New mobile, whom is this?"

[ Laughter ]

"New mobile, of whom is this?"

We actually got our hands on the last phone call

between Harry and Prince Charles.

It's pretty intense. Check this out.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-That can't be a real phone call, right?

Where are we getting that?

That can't be real. -No way.

-Another big revelation was that Meghan said she and Harry

actually got married three days before the royal wedding.

Great, now I feel like a fool for waking up at 5:00 a.m.

to watch two married people get married.

[ Laughter ]

When she heard about the secret wedding, the Queen was so upset,

she asked for her panini maker back.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, it was a truly explosive interview

with shocking revelations that will stick with us for decades,

like this one.

-My first job was when I was 13 at a frozen yogurt shop

called Humphrey Yogart.

[ Laughter ]

-Even weirder, Harry worked at a sewing shop

called Alfred Stitchcock's.

[ Laughter ]

Well, guys, let's switch gears here a little bit.

During a press briefing today, the director of the CDC

announced new guidelines for vaccinated Americans.

Watch this.

-If you're fully vaccinated and you're indoors,

there is no need for masks or social distancing

if everyone there is fully vaccinated.

-Oh, man, bingo halls are about to look like

a Señor Frog's on spring break.

[ Laughter ]

Most Americans are like, "Great news!"

While Texas is like, "What the hell's a CDC?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

Yeah, you can gather with anyone who is vaccinated,

and more importantly, you can act like a smug A-hole

around anyone who's not.

[ Laughter ]

You can tell things are getting better because the head of

the CDC came out and asked

if anyone wanted the rest of her breath mint.

Like, "Oh, come on, hey."

[ Laughter ]

You're taking it too far now.

"Who wants it? Who wants it? Huh, huh?"

[ Laughter ] -Eww!

-That's right. According to the CDC,

two weeks after getting vaccinated --

[ Laughter ] Did you like that?

Did you see what I'm saying, dude?

[ Laughter ]

That's right. According to the CDC,

two weeks after getting vaccinated,

grandparents can hug their grandchildren.

Or as this grandmother put it,

"Yeah, it might be a bit longer than that."

[ Laughter and applause ]

Well, guys, everyone is talking about this.

Today, Burger King U.K. announced a new program

that helps female employees who are pursuing culinary careers,

but they're getting a lot of criticism

for how they went about it.

They sent a tweet out that said,

"Women belong in the kitchen."

[ Laughter ]

-What?

-Anyway, happy International Women's Day, everyone.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I'm pretty sure one PR person just flame-broiled their career.

[ Laughter ]

As soon as it happened, 10,000 people broke their fingers

rushing to be the first one to tweet,

"What a whopper of a mistake."

[ Laughter ]

Man, but what a gaffe for Burger King U.K.

Overall, just a brutal week for the British royals.

[ Laughter and applause ]

And finally, in Oklahoma, there's a reward being offered

for something pretty interesting.

Listen to this.

-A sizable bounty is now on a legendary figure.

Bigfoot is now wanted in Oklahoma

for more than $2 million.

-Nice try, Oklahoma.

You're still not as crazy as Texas.