I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

FOLKS, A LOT HAS CHANGED BECAUSE OF THE ATTACKS ON JANUARY 6:

2021 HOW WE SEE EACH OTHER AS

AMERICANS, MY UNDERWEAR, AND RISK ASSESSMENT.

TODAY WAS A PARTICULARLY TENSE DAY IN WASHINGTON, BECAUSE

YESTERDAY, THE CAPITOL POLICE ANNOUNCED THAT THEY HAD OBTAINED

INTELLIGENCE ABOUT A Q-ANON PLOT TO BREACH THE U.S. CAPITOL.

AGAIN?

COME ON, Q-BEES.

REMEMBER WHAT EINSTEIN SAID, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS

DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER BUT EXPECTING DIFFERENT

RESULTS.

ALSO, QANON.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE (BLEEP) CRAZY."

BECAUSE THE INAUGURATION USED TO BE ON MARCH 4, ACCORDING TO

Q-SPIRACY THEORISTS, TODAY WAS THE DAY THE FORMER POTUS WOULD

BE RESTORED TO THE PRESIDENCY.

THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.

BUT HE WAS RESTORED AS CUSTOMER OF THE MONTH AT THE PALM BEACH

K.F.C.-TACO BELL.

NOW, WHILE THEY TOOK THESE THREATS SERIOUSLY, FEDERAL

OFFICIALS DID DESCRIBE THEM AS MORE "ASPIRATIONAL" THAN

OPERATONAL.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE Q-ANON MESSAGE BOARDS WERE FILLED WITH

INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGES LIKE: "LIVE, LAUGH, LOOT NANCY

PELOSI'S OFFICE," AND "HANG MIKE PENCE IN THERE, BABY."

WERE THESE PLANS EVER REAL?

WHO KNOWS.

BUT OUT OF AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION, THE HOUSE CANCELED

TODAY'S LEGISLATIVE SESSION.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE A DOMESTIC TERRORISM SNOW DAY.

THEY'RE BOTH DANGEROUS AND WHITE.

AND I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WANT TO BE EXTRA CAUTIOUS.

WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE TROUBLING FAILURE TO PROTECT

CONGRESS DURING THE JANUARY 6 RIOT.

FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY, THE COMMANDER OF THE D.C. NATIONAL

GUARD TESTIFIED BEFORE THE SENATE ABOUT WHAT DELAYED HIS

TROOPS FROM COMING TO THE RESCUE.

>> AT 1:49 P.M., I RECEIVED A FRANTIC CALL FROM THE CHIEF OF

THE U.S. CAPITOL POLICE STEVEN SUND.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT 1:49 CALL, I ALERTED THE U.S. ARMY

SENIOR LEADERSHIP OF THE REQUEST.

THE APPROVAL FOR THE CHIEF'S REQUEST WOULD EVENTUALLY COME

FROM THE ACTING SECRETARY OF DEFENSE AND BE RELAYED TO ME BY

ARMY SENIOR LEADERS AT 5:08 P.M.

ABOUT THREE HOURS AND 19 MINUTES LATER.

>> Stephen: THE PENTAGON DIDN'T SEND HELP FOR THREE HOURS AND 19

MINUTES.

WHEN THE CALL FOR HELP CAME IN, HAD THE JOINT CHIEFS JUST

PRESSED PLAY ON "THE IRISHMAN?" "WHO'S CALLING?

CONGRESS?

LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL.

I WANT TO SEE YOUNG JOE PESCI!" AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A

RECORDING OF THE PENTAGON'S VOICEMAIL.

>> THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE PENTAGON.

IF YOU LOST THE KEYS TO YOUR AIRCRAFT CARRIER, PRESS ONE.

IF THIS IS AN EMERGENCY PRESS TWO, AND HELP WILL BE SENT IN

THREE HOURS.

PLEASE HOLD.

YOUR COUP IS IMPORTANT TO US.

>> Stephen: ONE THING HAS BEEN SWIFT, AND THAT'S JUSTICE FOR

THE RIOTERS.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP

ROUNDUP."

>> I HAVE A BEEF WITH MOOO-ANON.

>> Stephen: FIRST UP, REMEMBER THIS INSURRECTIONIST IDIOT, WHO

PUT HIS FEET UP IN NANCY PELOSI'S OFFICE?

HE'S A SELF-DESCRIBED WHITE NATIONALIST NAMED RICHARD "BIGO"

BARNETT.

"BIG O" BECAUSE "TOTAL ZERO" WAS ALREADY TAKEN.

AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT FROM A GUY WHO BRAGGED ON CAMERA ABOUT HIS

CRIMES, HE'S BEEN TOSSED IN PRISON.

AND AT A COURT DATE TODAY, HE SHOWED TRUE CONTRITION ABOUT THE

SERIOUSNESS OF HIS CRIMES.

JUST KIDDING, HE CRIED LIKE A BIGO BABY, YELLING, "THEY'RE

DRAGGING THIS OUT.

THEY'RE LETTING EVERYONE ELSE OUT," INSISTING THAT "IT'S NOT

FAIR" THAT HE IS STILL IN JAIL AND SAYING "THIS HAS BEEN A

BUNCH OF CRAP."

NOT TRUE.

THE "BUNCH OF CRAP" WAS SMEARED ON THE WALLS OF CONGRESS, AND

THEY ARRESTED THAT GUY, TOO.

TURNS OUT CHIEF DISTRICT JUDGE BERYL HOWELL USED TO WORK IN THE

CAPITOL ON THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, SO SHE MAY HAVE BEEN

MORE OFFENDED BY THE ASSAULT THAN OTHERS.

OOH, THAT'S A SPOT OF BAD LUCK.

THAT'S LIKE THE KOOL AID MAN ON TRIAL FOR DESTRUCTION OF

PROPERTY FACING JUDGE ROGER BRICK-WALL.

(AS KOOL AID MAN) "OH, NO."

NEXT UP IN THE CORRAL OF CONSEQUENCES, QANON SHAMAN AND

MAN ON THE ENDANGERED DUMBASS LIST, JACOB CHANSLEY.

CHANSLEY'S BEEN IN FEDERAL CUSTODY SINCE JANUARY, AND

HERE'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.

WOW, IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A GLOW-DOWN?

IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT ATILLA THE HUN WAS ACTUALLY ATTILA

HUNNINGBERG, SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.

CHANSLEY GAVE AN INTERVIEW FROM JAIL TO THE NEW NEWS PROGRAM "60

MINUTES+," ON AMERICA'S BELOVED STREAMING SERVICE: "PARAMOUNT+."

HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S PLUSSY!

PARAMOUNT PLUS MASCOT HEY, PLUSSY!

WHY DOESN'T HE TALK, OH, I FORGOT, FOR BUDGET TEAR REASONS

THEY CUT OUT HIS L ARYNX.

GOOD-BYE, PLUSSY, GOOD-BYE.

THE SHAMAN HAD A UNIQUE TAKE ON HIS ACTIONS DURING THE CAPITOL

INSURRECTION.

>> MY ACTIONS ON JANUARY 6?

HOW WOULD I DESCRIBE THEM?

WELL, I SANG A SONG, AND THAT'S A PART OF SHAMANISM.

IT'S ABOUT CREATING POSITIVE VIBRATIONS IN A SACRED CHAMBER.

I ALSO STOPPED PEOPLE IN STEALING AND VANDALIZING THAT

SECRET SPACE, THE SENATE, OKAY, I ACTUALLY STOPPED SOMEBODY FROM

STEALING MUFFINS OUT OF THE BREAK ROOM.

>> Stephen: OH, THANK GOD, HE SAVED CONGRESS' MUFFINS.

REMINDED ME OF THE DRAMATIC SECOND VERSE OF THE STAR

SPANGLED BANNER, GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE FIGHT THAT THE BRAN

WAS STILL THERE OH SAY DOES THAT CRUMB SPANGLED SNACK TRAY

YET STAY WITH THE LITTLE

DEBBIE'S CAKES AND THE CHIPS FRITO LAY!

THROW HIM IN JAIL!

BUT, DESPITE DESTROYING HIS LIFE ON THE EX-PRESIDENT'S

INVITATION, CHANSLEY HASN'T GIVEN UP ON THE MAN.

>> HE CARES ABOUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND THAT'S ALSOWHY IT

WOUNDED ME SO DEEPLY AND WHY DISAPPOINTED ME SO GREATLY THAT

I AND OTHERS DID NOT GET A PARDON.

>> Stephen: THAT'S TOUGH.

BUT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, THE ONLY REASON HE DIDN'T PARDON

YOU IS THAT HE ACTUALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE MADE THAT MISTAKE.

BUT THEY GOT ALIMONY.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR "SPACE NEWS!

ROCKET EDITION."

GO SAY I HAD TO PLUSSY YESTERDAY, THERE WAS A NEW SPACE

ACHIEVEMENT FOR TESLA FOUNDER AND WORLD'S RICHEST STEAMED

DUMPLING, ELON MUSK.

MUSK'S COMPANY, SPACE-X, LAUNCHED A PROTOTYPE OF ITS

SIGNATURE ORBITAL VEHICLE, THE "STARSHIP" ROCKET.

THIS IS THE PHILLIPS HEAD VERSION.

SPACEX'S UNMANNED ROCKETS DISTINGUISH THEMSELVES BY

DELIVERING THEIR PAYLOAD AND THEN LANDING ON THEIR FINS,

BUCK ROGERS-STYLE, SO THEY CAN BE REUSED.

IT'S SUPER EXCITING.

"STARSHIP" IS THE LATEST AND LARGEST OF THESE TO BE

ATTEMPTED.

AND ALTHOUGH THE FIRST TWO "STARSHIP" PROTOTYPES WERE

DESTROYED ON LANDING, THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM.

WOW!

OKAY, LITTLE BOBBLE ON THE LANDING...

JUDGES ARE GOING TO TAKE OFF TWO-TENTHS OF A POINT.

BUT THEY DID IT!

WHAT AN INCREDIBLE ACHIEVEMENT, EVEN MANAGING TO LAND ON ONE

ENGINE.

SO, CONGRATULATIONS TO MUSK AND EVERYONE AT SPACEX FOR A SAFE

LANDING.

I AM READY TO BUY MY TICK...

OH!

SHALL PUT THAT AWAY FOR NOW.

OKAY, JUST A FEW WRINKLES LEFT TO IRON OUT.

LAST WEEK, THE HOUSE APPROVED BIDEN'S $1.9 TRILLION COVID

STIMULUS PACKAGE, BUT NOW IT'S BEING HELD UP IN THE SENATE BY

WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON, SEEN HERE IN HIS PUPA STATE.

YESTERDAY, JOHNSON ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL DELAY A VOTE ON

GETTING AMERICANS MUCH NEEDED COVID RELIEF BY FORCING SENATE

CLERKS TO READ THE MORE THAN 600-PAGE BILL OUT LOUD.

THAT TAKES GUTS.

IT REMINDS ME OF THE CLASSIC FILM, MR. SMITH FORCES SENATE

CLERKS TO GO TO WASHINGTON.

IT'S AWFUL TO DENY PEOPLE RELIEF IN SUCH A PETTY WAY.

PERHAPS HE'S NOT THAT MUCH OF A DOUCHEBAG.

PERHAPS IT'S JUST RON JOHNSON'S WAY OF TELLING US HE CAN'T READ.

NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, SENATOR.

WE'RE SENDING LEVAR BURTON.

JOHNSON'S BIG ISSUE WITH THE STIMULUS BILL IS THE PRICE TAG,

WHICH HE EXPLAINED ON THE SENATE FLOOR IN THE DUMBEST WAY

POSSIBLE: >> THE THICKNESS OF A DOLLAR

BILL IS 4.3 THOUSANDTHS OF AN INCH THICK.

IF YOU STACKED A MILLION DOLLAR BILLS ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, THEY

WOULD BE-- THEY WOULD STACK UP TO BE 358 FEET HIGH.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT $1.9 TRILLION, WHICH WOULD STACK UP

TO 135,732 MILES HIGH.

MADAM PRESIDENT, THE DISTANCE TO THE MOON IS 238,900 MILES.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I DIDN'T GET A LOT FROM THAT, OTHER THAN I

THINK THE STIMULUS WILL BE PAID OUT IN SINGLES.

SO DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A G-STRING AND SHAKE IT UP.

HOUSE DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN ON A ROLL.

BEFORE THEY BUGGED OUT OF TOWN, THEY WERE EXTREMELY BUSY WITH

THE LAW-MAKIN' LAST NIGHT.

FIRST, THEY PASSED A LANDMARK BILL ON VOTING RIGHTS,

ELECTIONS, CAMPAIGN FINANCE AND ETHICS REFORM, TITLED H.R. 1.

H.R., OF COURSE, STANDS FOR "HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES," AND

1 STANDS FOR THE NUMBER OF BLACK PEOPLE THE G.O.P. WILL LET VOTE

IF THIS BILL DOESN'T BECOME LAW.

THEY ALSO PASSED SOMETHING CALLED "THE GEORGE FLOYD JUSTICE

IN POLICING ACT," WHICH WOULD BAN CHOKEHOLDS AND "QUALIFIED

IMMUNITY," AND ALSO CREATE A NATIONAL STANDARD FOR POLICING.

GOOD.

POLICING SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST THE SAME LEVEL OF STANDARDS AS

LUNCHMEAT.

SURPRISINGLY, THIS DEMOCRATIC BILL EVEN GOT ONE REPUBLICAN

VOTE.

YES, TAKE THAT, PEOPLE WHO SAY THE G.O.P. DOESN'T CARE ABOUT

BLACK PEOPLE!

BECAUSE WHEN IT CAME TO VALUING HUMAN LIFE, AT LEAST ONE MAN HAD

THE HEART TO-- I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT?

THE SOLE G.O.P. VOTE SAID HE "ACCIDENTALLY PRESSED THE WRONG

VOTING BUTTON."

WRONG BUTTON?

AND HE'S A CONGRESSMAN?

HE'S NOT EVEN FIT TO GO ON "THE BACHELOR."

"I CHOOSE AMBER... NO, WAIT!

JESSICA...

OH, IS IT TOO LATE?

DAMN.

CAN I HAVE THE ROSE BACK?" YOU GOT A PROBLEM, BRO

BUT AT LEAST FOR ONE BRIEF, FLICKERING MOMENT, HE MADE US

THINK HE HAD A CONSCIENCE.

AND TONIGHT, WE HONOR THAT MISTAKE:

TONIGHT ON "A LATE SHOW'S GREAT MOMENTS IN OOPS-A-BRAVERY," WE

TAKE A LOOK BACK AMERICAN HEROES WHO WERE WRONGLY ON THE RIGHT

SIDE OF HISTORY.

JUNE 6, 1944: CLIFFORD T. HINKLEY MISTAKENLY

BOARDS A D-DAY LANDING CRAFT, THINKING HE WAS EMBARKING ON A

BOOZE CRUISE.

JULY 4, 1776: JEBEDIAH PIERSON SIGNED THE

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, THINKING IT WAS A BIRTHDAY CARD.

MARCH 7, 1965: PATRICK O'SHEA INADVERTENTLY

JOINED THE MARCH ON SELMA, BELIEVING IT WAS A ST. PATRICKS

DAY PARADE.

AND, MARCH 3, 2021: TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE LANCE

GOODEN ACCIDENTALLY VOTED FOR SENSIBLE POLICE REFORM.

BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT HIS POLITICAL AFFILIATION, DEEP

DOWN, HE'S TOO DUMB TO KNOW HOW BUTTONS WORK.

HIS COURAGEOUS STUPIDITY WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, JANE FONDA IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"