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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ YEAH!

  • >> James: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE

  • LATE, LATE SHOW.

  • ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED AFTER THAT.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • GOOD DAY?

  • HOW WAS EVERYTHING?

  • THERE'S LIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

  • THROUGH THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

  • ABOUT WE'RE SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.

  • TONIGHT WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH THE VERY FUNNY BEN

  • SCHWARTZ AND LATER WE'VE GOT A PERFORMANCE FROM THE FOO

  • FIGHTERS.

  • YOU FIGHT A LOT OF FOO?

  • >> I'M A FIGHTING FOO.

  • I PITY THE PERSON WHO DOESN'T FIGHT FOR THE FOO.

  • >> James: THAT'S GREAT.

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN JUST ANNOUNCED THAT THERE WILL BE ENOUGH

  • VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY ADULT IN THE COUNTRY, TWO MONTHS

  • EARLIER THAN PREVIOUSLY ANNOUNCED.

  • TAKE A LOOK...

  • >> ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY DIFFICULT IN AMERICA BY

  • THE END OF MAY!

  • >> James: COME ON!

  • YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

  • I'M GOING TO HAVE MY HOT GIRL SUMMER AFTER

  • ALL, BABY!

  • SUMMER IS BACK ON!

  • ME AND PETE ARE GOING TO BE AT THE BEACH, GRILLING UP

  • HOT DOGS, SHOT-GUNNING BEERS SITTING AROUND THE BONFIRE AND

  • SINGING SONGS FROM "LITTLE SHOP OF HRRORS."

  • YES, PETE WILL BE LIKE FEED ME, I'LL CHUCK A CHICKEN WING IN HIS

  • MOUTH, FEED ME.

  • THERE HAS TO BE MORE.

  • WHAT SHOULD WE DO WHEN WE'RE ALL VACCINATED?

  • HERE IS WHAT I'LL SAY.

  • IT IS ONLY A PARTY FOR US.

  • THE REST OF THE STAFF IS ON ZOOM, CANNOT COME.

  • >> ONLY FAIR.

  • ONLY FAIR.

  • >> James: NONE OF THEM CAN COME.

  • NONE OF THEM.

  • DON'T YOU THINK?

  • >> I WAS LOOKING AROUND, THERE'S GOING TO BE 20 OF US AT THIS

  • PARTY.

  • >> James: BUT THIS IS THE BEST 20!

  • THE BEST 20, THIS IS IT, RIGHT?

  • WE ONLY LOOKING AT THE MARTY'S ABSOLUTELY BUZZING, COVID CREW.

  • A YEAR FROM NOW WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT THIS BUT WE WERE IN THE

  • FRONT LINE OF THE TRENCHES.

  • BUT YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WERE IN NEBRASKA!

  • YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

  • A REALLY ITCHY NOSE.

  • I'M TRYING TO ITCH IT, BUT ACTUALLY WHAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO

  • DO YOU GET A FULL NOSE ATTACK?

  • >> THAT WAS YOUR DISCRETE ITCH?

  • USE YOUR WHOLE ARM.

  • >> James: I WAS TRYING TO DO IT AT MOMENTS I THOUGHT THEY

  • MIGHT HAVE CUTS.

  • QUICK KIT YOU'RE BACK.

  • SO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • LIKE DON'T YOU THINK IAN?

  • THINKING IN THE EDIT.

  • WHAT I REALLY NEED TO DO IS GO --

  • >> YEAH.

  • AH!

  • >> James: BUT I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS VACCINE.

  • THIS REALLY IS GREAT NEWS.

  • WE CAN END ALL OF THIS TWO MONTHS EARLIER THAN WE THOUGHT,

  • OR TWO MONTHS EARLIER THAN THAT FRS FLATTEN THE CURVE.

  • TWO WEEKS TO FLATTEN THE CURVE!

  • BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL MAY, YOU CAN HEAD TO NORTH

  • CAROLINA, WHERE LATER THIS MONTH, THEY WILL

  • WILL BEGIN OFFERING THE VACCINE TO SMOKERS, DEFINED AS ANYONE

  • WHO HAS, "SMOKED AT LEAST 100 CIGARETTES IN YOUR LIFE."

  • HOW ARE THEY GOING TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE A SMOKER?

  • DO THEY WATCH YOU PUT ON A DENIM JACKET AND SUNGLASSES AND

  • MAKE YOU SAY "WHATEVER, MAN," THEN THEY'RE LIKE "YUP, HE'S

  • COOL.

  • GIVE HIM THE SHOT."

  • YOU JUST KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN NORTH CAROLINA, THERE'S A GUY

  • WHO'S BEEN SMOKING LIKE 40 CIGARETTES A DAY BUT

  • LIKE "I TOLD YOU!

  • (COUGH COUGH COUGH) YOU WANTED ME TO QUIT...

  • (COUGH COUGH) BUT WHO'S HEALTHY N...

  • (COUGH) N... (COUGH) NOW!

  • (COUGH COUGH) BUT HONESTLY, HAVE I SMOKED

  • ONE-HUNDRED CIGARETTES IN MY LIFE?

  • YOU GOT TO ASK THIS GUY.

  • HERE IS BIG PANDEMIC NEWS OUT OF TEXAS.

  • GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT HAS DECLARED AN END TO ALL COVID

  • RESTRICTIONS IN THE STATE.

  • BUSINESSES ARE NOW COMPLETELY OPEN, AND EVEN THE MASK MANDATE

  • HAS BEEN LIFTED.

  • TO WHICH MOST TEXANS REPLIED, "WHAT MASK MANDATE?"

  • TEXAS IS DOING THIS OVER THE OBJECTION OF HEALTH OFFICIALS.

  • I GUESS THIS IS WHY THEY SAY, "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS."

  • BECAUSE THEY ARE (/ BLEEP/ ) CRAZY.

  • BY THE WAY, MISSISSIPPI ANNOUNCED SIMILAR PLANS A SHORT

  • WHILE LATER...

  • BUT C'MON.

  • IT'S MISSISSIPPI.

  • NOBODY CARES.

  • (LAUGHTER) >> James: MY NOSE -- IT'S

  • REALLY ITCHY.

  • >> I HAVE A POINT IF YOU WANT TO FIX IT.

  • A CERTAIN UNEDITED POINT.

  • >> James: THIS IS ONE LINE?

  • >> SORRY, TOOK US THIS LONG TO TELL YOU.

  • NOW YOU CAN RELAX.

  • >> James: OH NOW I CAN JUST RELAX AND SEE WHERE THINGS GO.

  • NOW I DON'T HAVE TO STICK SO RIGIDLY TO THE SCRIPT!

  • THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN SPOKE FORCEFULLY ABOUT ALL THIS,

  • SLAMMING TEXAS AND MISSISSIPPI FOR, "NEANDERTHAL THINKING."

  • THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, WE'VE OFFICIALLY HIT "NEANDERTHAL

  • LEVELS" ON THE MALARKEY SCALE.

  • WHEN HE HEARD BIDEN'S COMMENT TED CRUZ WAS LIKE ...

  • >> THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

  • THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

  • >> THANKFULLY.

  • >> THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

  • >> James: AND DID ANYBODY SEE THIS?

  • JAPANESE BILLIONAIRE YUSAKU MAZAZWA IS SEEKING EIGHT

  • VOLUNTEERS FOR THE FIRST SPACEX FLIGHT AROUND THE MOON IN 2023.

  • APPLICATIONS ARE NOW OPEN FOR THE TRIP, WHICH WILL BE

  • COMPLETELY PAID FOR BY THE BILLIONAIRE.

  • SO, THAT GUY IS DEFINITELY HUNTING THESE PEOPLE ON THE

  • MOON, RIGHT?

  • (LAUGHTER) >> James: THE MISSION WOULD

  • FLY AROUND THE MOON BUT NOT LAND ON IT.

  • FTC THE MOON IS KIND OF LIKE THE

  • EIFFEL TOWER-- YOU GET THERE TAKE SOME PHOTOS IN FRONT

  • BUT IT'S NOT WORTH ACTUALLY GOING INSIDE.

  • THIS BILLIONAIRE WILL PAY PEOPLE TO BE HIS COMPANIONS.

  • I FOUND THAT A BIT SAD.

  • DON'T YOU?

  • IAN?

  • REGGIE?

  • BAND?

  • CREW?

  • ISN'T IT SAD THAT THIS GUY HAS TO PAY PEOPLE TO BE AROUND HIM

  • LAUGH AT HIS JOKES, PAY ATTENTION TO HIM?

  • ONCE A DAY?

  • VERY SAD.

  • (LAUGHTER) >> James: AND THIS IS SOMEWHAT

  • ALARMING.

  • ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, ROUGHLY ONE THIRD OF AMERICANS

  • THINK THAT THE POLITICAL DIVIDE IS SO DEEP IN THIS COUNTRY THAT

  • THEY WOULD SUPPORT SPLITTING UP THE UNITED STATES INTO

  • LIKE-MINDED "REGIONS."

  • AMERICA'S GETTING DIVORCED?

  • WHICH MEANS IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, AMERICA IS GOING TO FLY

  • TO JAMAICA TO GET HER GROOVE BACK.

  • I THINK IT WOULD BE A LOT MORE FUN IF THE REGIONS WERE RANDOMLY

  • ASSEMBLED BY PICKING NAMES OUT OF A HAT.

  • "OKAY, RHODE ISLAND, NEW MEXICO.

  • AND ALASKA.

  • YOU'RE A TEAM, FIGURE IT OUT.

  • FLORIDA IS ALREADY WORKING ON THEIR NATION'S FLAG, WHICH WILL

  • BE A PAIR OF JEAN SHORTS WITH AN ALLIGATOR PAINTED ON IT.

  • AND HERE IS A STORY WE WANTS TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

  • EVERYONE HERE FAMILIAR WITH "MICRODOSING?"

  • YOU KNOW, TAKING A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF L.S.D. ON A DAILY

  • BASIS?

  • WELL, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY THE BENEFITS OF MICRODOSING ARE

  • PURELY PLACEBO.

  • PLACEBO, OF COURSE, IS THE NAME OF THE PURPLE ZEBRA WHO SUDDENLY

  • MORPHS INTO A BATHMAT.

  • THIS IS TRUE!

  • THERE MAY BE NO BENEFITS TO MICRODOSING.

  • YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT BY TAKING TINY LITTLE BITS OF

  • L.S.D. EVERYDAY ISN'T MEDICALLY SOUND?

  • WHETHER THEY TOOK ACTUAL L.S.D.

  • OR PLACEBOS, ALL PARTICIPANTS IN THE STUDY SHOWED A SIGNIFICANT

  • INCREASE IN... TELLING ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN HOW THEY

  • STARTED MICRODOSING AND "IT LIKE, TOTALLY CHANGED THEIR

  • LIFE."

  • BAND, I FEEL LIKE THIS NEWS HAS HIT YOU HARD...

  • WHO'S MICRO-DOSED IN THE BAND?

  • >> I HAVE.

  • MUSHROOMS NOT LSD.

  • >> James: MUSHROOMS YOU CAN BARELY FEEL THAT RIGHT?

  • >> CHANGED HIS LIFE.

  • >> James: BE HONEST, HOW MANY DRUGS ARE IN YOUR SYSTEM RIGHT

  • NOW?

  • >> JUST ONE.

  • >> James: LOVE?

  • >> THE GREATEST DRUG OF ALL.

  • >> James: AND THERE WAS NO WAY WE WOULDN'T SHOW YOU THIS.

  • A PHOTO OF A RARE SEA WORM.

  • WE SHOULD DO, A RARE SEA WORM THAT CAN GROW UP TO EIGHT INCHES

  • LONG, HAS GONE VIRAL ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

  • HAVE A LOOK AT IT HIRE.

  • YOU CAN SEE WHY IT BLEW UP ON SOCIAL MEDIA CAN'T YOU, BECAUSE

  • IT LOOKS LIKE AN AIR POD.

  • THAT HAS TO BE ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING FROM THE GUY WHO

  • DISCOVERED IT.

  • HE MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE -- PEOPLE IN LINE ARE CALLING IT THE SEA

  • PENIS.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT.

  • I CALL IT THE (BLEEP)

♪ ♪ ♪ YEAH!

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The Vaccines Are Arriving Early!

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/04
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