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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME!

  • W, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW," ESPECIALLY "ALL."

  • ONE WOULD BE TOO FEW.

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • FOLKS, WE HAVE ALL BEEN UP TO OUR EARLOBES IN COVID

  • PRECAUTIONS FOR A YEAR.

  • BUT NOW, THERE'S A NEW CONTAGION SWEEPING THE COUNTRY: AMERICA'S

  • GOT A BAD CASE OF THE HOPES!

  • THANKS TO NEW VACCINE AVAILABILITY, WE'RE STARTING TO

  • SEE THE SYRINGE AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

  • THOUGH JOHNSON & JOHNSON HAS A NEW VACCINE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE

  • THE CAPACITY TO PRODUCE THE VOLUME OF DOSES THAT AMERICA

  • NEEDED.

  • SO, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION CONVINCED RIVAL COMPANY MERCK TO

  • HELP PRODUCE JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S SINGLE-SHOT CORONAVIRUS VACCINE.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

  • THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF A BOLD NEW ERA OF PHARMACEUTICAL

  • CROSSOVERS, LIKE DAYQUIL-VIAGRA.

  • YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: YOUR COLD JUST GOT HOT: GET UP AND

  • GO!

  • THIS NEW CAPACITY MEANS, WELL, TELL THEM WHAT IT MEANS, JOE.

  • >> WE'RE NOW ON TRACK TO HAVE ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY

  • ADULT IN AMERICA BY THE END OF MAY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT IS SO MUCH SOONER THAN ANYBODY THOUGHT!

  • WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY DOSE?

  • IT'S GONNA BE MAY ♪ >>0SlGENERAL TIMBERLAKE.

  • #FREE BRITNEY.

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO MAKING A PUSH TO GET ALL TEACHERS

  • INOCULATED BY THE END OF MARCH.

  • SO IF I'M AN EDUCATOR, WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY

  • DOSE?

  • IT'S GONNA BE ♪...

  • >> MARCH.

  • >> Stephen: IN OTHER GOOD NEWS: DOLLY PARTON.

  • YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT SHE IS JUST FANTASTIC.

  • YOU ALSO MAY REMEMBER SHE GAVE A MILLION DOLLARS OF HER OWN MONEY

  • TO VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY TO HELP DEVELOP THE MODERNA VACCINE.

  • SO IT WAS THRILLING YESTERDAY TO SEE HER ACCOUNT TWEET

  • OUT THIS PHOTO OF HER GETTING THE SHOT WITH THE CAPTION "DOLLY

  • GETS A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE."

  • A LIFE-SAVING MIRACLE.

  • AND SHE GOT THE VACCINE!

  • NOW, FOR EASE OF ON-CAMERA JABBIN', DOLLY WENT THE EXTRA

  • MILE AND WORE A STYLISH, EASY-NEEDLE-ACCESS, COLD

  • SHOULDER TOP.

  • OKAY, VERY COOL, VERY NICE, DOLLY.

  • BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND TRYING SOMETHING SIMILAR FOR YOUR

  • COLONOSCOPY.

  • AND LIKE I EXPECT TO DO WHEN I GET THE VACCINE, DOLLY BURST

  • INTO SONG.

  • >> I WANTED TO TELL EVERYBODY THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE

  • AND DO IT, TOO.

  • I EVEN CHANGED ONE OF MY SONGS TO FIT THE OCCASION.

  • IT GOES...

  • ( TO THE TUNE OF "JOLENE" ) ♪ VACCINE, VACCINE

  • VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ I'M BEGGING OF YOU

  • PLEASE DON'T HESITATEVACCINE, VACCINE

  • VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ 'CAUSE ONCE YOU'RE DEAD, THEN

  • THAT'S A BIT TOO LATE ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A

  • VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.

  • AND ALSO DOLLY'S DARKEST TUNE SINCE:

  • ISLANDS IN THE STREAM ERODING OVER TIME

  • NOTHING EVER LASTS WE'RE JUST FOOD FOR

  • WORMSNOTE WE'RE JUST BAGS OF MEAT

  • IT KEEPS GOING FROM THERE.

  • EVEN MORE HOPEFUL-- IT SOUNDS BETTER WHEN KENNY ROGERS IS

  • SINGING WITH YOU!

  • EVEN MORE HOPEFUL, IT'S GETTING EASIER TO QUALIFY FOR A VACCINE.

  • NORTH CAROLINA JUST ANNOUNCED THAT ON MARCH 24, THE STATE WILL

  • OPEN ELIGIBILITY TO PEOPLE LIVING IN GROUP SETTINGS,

  • ADDITIONAL FRO 1%9E WORKERS,AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE

  • 100 CIGARETTES.

  • OF COURSE, NORTH CAROLINA'S A TOBACCO STATE.

  • IN WISCONSIN, YOU HAVE TO CHUG 100 GALLONS OF MILK.

  • AND IN DETROIT, YOU HAVE TO EAT 100 CARS.

  • HEY, REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS AN INSURRECTION BACK IN JANUARY?

  • CAPITOL POLICE ARE WARNING IT COULD COME BACK, BECAUSE OF A

  • QANON THEORY CLAIMING THE EX-PRESIDENT WILL RETURN TO

  • POWER TOMORROW, MARCH 4.

  • NOW, I'M NO PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT YOU COULD SAY THEY'RE SUFFERING

  • FROM "MARCH MADNESS."

  • ALSO, THEY'RE CLINICALLY INSANE.

  • BUT THERE'S METHOD TO THIS COO-COO.

  • YOU SEE, Q FOLLOWERS WERE HEARTBROKEN ON INAUGURATION DAY,

  • WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE "STORM" CAME THAT KEEPS THEIR

  • GUY FROM ACTUALLY LEAVING OFFICE.

  • SO THEY MOVED THE DATE OF THE STORM, WHEN THE ARRESTS ALL OF

  • THE CELEBRITIES AND DEMOCRATS, TO MARCH 4, WHICH WAS THE DATE

  • O PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATIONS UP UNTIL 1933.

  • ( AS QANON PERSON ) YET YES, FOLLOW ME DOWN THE

  • RABBIT HOLE.

  • THEY ENDED IT IN 1933.

  • BUT ADD UP 1-9-3-3, YOU GET 16.

  • ADD 1 PLUS 6, YOU GET 7.

  • WHAT IS 7?

  • 3 PLUS 4, 3-4, MARCH 4th, WHEN WE SHALL MARCH FORTH!

  • ( WHISPERS ) I SEE PATTERNS WHERE NONE

  • EXIST."

  • BUT THE ENHANCED SECURITY MAY NOT BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE SOME

  • QANON ADHERENTS ARE NOW "SKEPTICAL AS TO THE ORIGINS OR

  • VALIDITY OF THE THEORY."

  • YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THIS MARCH 4 THING JUST DOESN'T HAVE

  • THE SAME RING OF TRUTH AS "TOM HANKS EATS BABIES."

  • STILL, WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY TO CASH IN,

  • BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S HOTEL IN WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS

  • BEEN JACKING UP PRICES AROUND MARCH 4.

  • SOUNDS CYNICAL, BUT THEY ARE OFFERING PREMIUM SERVICES: IF

  • YOU'RE EXHAUSTED FROM TRAVEL, YOU CAN JUST CALL THE FRONT DESK

  • AND ASK THE CONCIERGE TO HANG MIKE PENCE.

  • ULTIMATELY, Q SUPPORTERS ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FACE FACTS

  • THAT THEIR GUY LOST IN THE HIGHEST VOTER TURNOUT IN U.S.

  • HISTORY.

  • REPUBLICANS HAVE ACCEPTED IT.

  • THEY LOOKED AT VOTER TURNOUT AND REALIZED IT IS TIME TO STOP

  • VOTER TURNOUT.

  • THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED WITH A TIDAL WAVE OF ANTI-VOTING

  • LEGISLATION.

  • SO FAR, G.O.P. LAWMAKERS HAVE WRITTEN 253 BILLS WITH

  • PROVISIONS THAT RESTRICT VOTING ACCESS IN 43 STATES, LIKE

  • GEORGIA, WHERE, FOLLOWING THE G.O.P. LOSING THE PRESIDENTIAL

  • ELECT AND TWO SENATE SEATS IN A RUN HUFFAV, STATE REPUBLICANS

  • PASSED A BILL THAT WOULD LIMIT ABSENTEE AND EARLY VOTING.

  • YOU SEE, DEMOCRATS LIKE EARLY VOTING.

  • BUT GEORGIA REPUBLICANS WANT YOU TO PICK YOUR CANDIDATES AT THE

  • VERY LAST MINUTE.

  • THAT'S WHY THEY KEPT DAVID PERDUE RIGHT BY THE REGISTER.

  • CITICS SAY THIS BILL DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTS

  • VOTERS OF COLOR, BUT THE BILL'S SPONSOR CLAIMS IT "IS DESIGNED

  • TO BEGIN TO BRING BACK THE CONFIDENCE OF OUR VOTERS BACK

  • INTO OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM."

  • OKAY, BUT THE REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR, THE REPUBLICAN

  • SECRETARY OF STATE, AND THE REPUBLICAN VOTING SYSTEMS

  • MANAGER ALL SAID IT WAS A FAIR ELECTION.

  • SO THERE'S PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE IN THE ELECTION.

  • YOU'RE JUST CONFIDENT YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE IT, SO YOU'RE

  • TILTING THE PLAYING FIELD.

  • THAT'S LIKE THE N.F.L.

  • RESTRICTING TOM BRADY TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE IN THE KANSAS CITY

  • CHIEFS.

  • AND GEORGIA IS NOT ALONE.

  • LEGISLATORS IN 18 STATES HAVE INTRODUCED 40 BILLS TO IMPOSE

  • NEW OR MORE-STRINGENT VOTER I.D.

  • REQUIREMENTS FOR IN-PERSON OR MAIL VOTING, AND 14 BILLS IN

  • NINE STATES WOULD MAKE THE "EXCUSE" REQUIREMENT MORE

  • STRINGENT FOR ABSENTEE VOTING OR ELIMINATE "NO EXCUSE" MAIL

  • VOTING.

  • YEAH, IF YOU WANT TO VOTE ABSENTEE, THE G.O.P. DEMANDS

  • A GOOD EXCUSE, LIKE A NOTE FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

  • OR YOUR CADDY.

  • AND THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE ABOUT TO OPEN THE VOTER

  • SUPPRESSION FLOODGATES.

  • BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THEY HEARD ORAL ARGUMENTS IN A CASE ABOUT

  • AN ARIZONA LAW THAT MAKES IT A CRIME FOR CAMPAIGN WORKERS,

  • COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS, AND MOST OTHER PEOPLE TO COLLECT BALLOTS

  • FOR DELIVERY TO POLLING PLACES, AND REQUIRES ELECTION OFFICIALS

  • TO DISCARD BALLOTS CAST AT THE WRONG PRECINCT.

  • WHEN JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT ASKED THE G.O.P.'S LAWYER WHY

  • REPUBLICANS CARED ABOUT THAT, HE WAS PRETTY CANDID: "BECAUSE IT

  • PUTS US AT A COMPETITIVE DISADVANTAGE, RELATIVE TO

  • DEMOCRATS," ADDING, "POLITICS IS A ZERO-SUM GAME."

  • YES, IT'S A ZERO-SUM GAME.

  • THE G.O.P. THINKS DEMOCRATS SHOULD HAVE ZERO VOTES AND THEY

  • HAVE SOME.

  • BUT ZERO SUM OR NOT, THE RIGHT TO VOTE IS NOT A GAME,

  • OTHERWISE, THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS WOULD HAVE ENDED:

  • "OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE-- YAHTZEE!"

  • SO THIS LAWYER ADMITTED REPUBLICANS DON'T REALLY BELIEVE

  • IN DEMOCRACY.

  • INSTEAD, THEY BELIEVE IN-- I FORGET, WHAT IS IT?

  • >> UNLIMITED POWER!

  • >> Stephen: MITCH McCONNELL'S LOOKING GOOD.

  • I THINK HE'S HAD SOME WORK DONE.

  • A LITTLE FRESHEN-UP.

  • BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE ARIZONA LAW THESE REPUBLICANS

  • ARE FIGHTING FOR IN THE SUPREME COURT WAS ALREADY IN EFFECT

  • DURING THE LAST ELECTION, AND THEY LOST ANYWAY.

  • SO IF REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GAME THE SYSTEM AGAINST THE WILL

  • OF THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A LITTLE HARSHER.

  • JUST GO BACK TO POLL TESTS WITH UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS, LIKE

  • GUESS HOW MANY JELLYBEANS ARE IN A JAR OR "HOW DO YOU FOLD A

  • FITTED SHEET?" OR PUT THE POLLING PLACE IN THE

  • CENTER OF A MAZE AND HAVE IT GUARDED BY A MINOTAUR.

  • OR TED CRUZ.

  • EITHER WAY, THERE'S A LOT OF BULLCRAP.

  • SPEAKING OF GUYS WHO CAN REALLY SHOVEL IT, REMEMBER WHITE HOUSE

  • PHYSICIAN, CURRENT TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE, AND GUY WHO'S

  • PRETTY SURE HE HEARD THOSE TEENS MAKING FUN OF HIS HAT, DR. RONNY

  • JACKSON?

  • THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE INSPECTOR GENERAL JUST RELEASED

  • A REPORT ON DR. RONNY AND HIS BEHAVIOR DURING HIS TENURE AS

  • WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN, AND THE FINDINGS ARE NOT GOOD.

  • THE REPORT SAYS THAT JACKSON VIOLATED THE POLICY FOR DRINKING

  • ALCOHOL WHILE ON A PRESIDENTIAL TRIP, MADE "SEXUAL AND

  • DENIGRATING" COMMENTS ABOUT A FEMALE SUBORDINATE, AND TOOK

  • PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH SLEEPING MEDICATION THAT PROMPTED

  • CONCERNS ABOUT HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE PROPER CARE.

  • IT WAS THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE STAFFING OF THE WHITE HOUSE

  • PHYSICIAN SINCE BILL CLINTON APPOINTED AEROSMITH.

  • THE REPORT FOCUSES ON A PARTICULAR TRIP TO THE

  • PHILIPPINES, WHERE A WITNESS SAYS AS SOON AS THEY ARRIVED IN

  • MANILA, JACKSON BEGAN DRINKING IN THE HOTEL LOBBY, THEN GOT

  • INTO A CAR WITH A DRINK IN HIS HAND "TO GO OUT ON THE TOWN."

  • ANOTHER WITNESS SAID THEY SAW JACKSON "POUNDING" ON THE DOOR

  • OF A FEMALE SUBORDINATE'S ROOM.

  • AND WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR, JACKSON SAID, "I NEED YOU.

  • I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM."

  • WOW, THAT IS EITHER EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, OR HE

  • COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THE HOTEL SHOWER.

  • "IT'S GOT A KNOB, BUT ALSO A LEVER, AND A BUTTON.

  • ONE SIDE SAYS 'HOT' AND THE OTHER SAYS 'PRESSURE?'

  • I JUST WANT TO WASH MY BODY SO I CAN THROW UP ON IT AGAIN."

  • AND IT GETS GROSSER, BECAUSE A WITNESS SAID THAT JACKSON TOLD

  • THEM THAT A FEMALE MEDICAL SUBORDINATE, WHO WAS ALSO ON THE

  • TRIP, HAD "GREAT (BLEEP)," ADDING, "WHAT A NICE (BLEEP)."

  • IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT'S JUST THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH HE TOOK.

  • "FIRST, DO NO HARM.

  • SECOND, TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT.

  • THIRD: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" JACKSON DENIED ALL THE

  • ALLEGATIONS IN THE REPORT, SAYING THAT THEY ARE

  • "POLITICALLY MOTIVATED" AND THAT THE INSPECTOR GENERAL SIMPLY

  • "RESURRECTED" OLD ALLEGATIONS.

  • THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE AIRTIGHT DEFENSE YOU THINK IT IS.

  • ( AS DEFENDANT ) "YOUR HONOR, I COULDN'T HAVE

  • COMMITTED THOSE CRIMES.

  • I'VE BEEN SUSPECTED OF THEM FOR YEARS!"

  • DR. RONNY WENT ON TO SAY, "I FLAT OUT REJECT ANY ALLEGATION

  • THAT I CONSUMED ALCOHOL WHILE ON DUTY."

  • OKAY, SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WERE SOBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS ABOUT

  • THE FORMER PRESIDENT: >> SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT

  • GENES.

  • I TOLD THE PRESIDENT IF HE HAD A HEALTHIER DIET OVER THE LAST 20

  • YEARS, HE MIGHT LIVE TO BE 200 YEARS OLD, I DON'T KNOW.

  • I MEAN, HE HAS INCREDIBLE-- UH, HE HAS INCREDIBLE GENES, I JUST

  • ASSUME.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, TO BE FAIR, HE DOESN'T SOUND DRUNK THERE.

  • IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SMOKIN' CRANK'.

  • "SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT GENES.

  • I HAVE GREAT GENES.

  • I COULD PUNCH THROUGH A WALL.

  • I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM SO WE CAN START A BAND!

  • OR A RESTAURANT!

  • I'M SAD.

  • LET'S DANCE!" OKAY.

  • NOW, LET'S GET TO TONIGHT'S BIG STORY.

  • ON A RECENT FLIGHT THAT WAS HEADED TO QATAR, A STRAY CAT

  • STOWED AWAY, AND THE CAT APPARENTLY WENT ON A RAMPAGE IN

  • THE COCKPIT AND WAS SO DISRUPTIVE THAT THE PILOT

  • ACTUALLY DECIDED TO TURN THE PLANE AROUND AND ABANDON THE

  • FLIGHT'S SCHEDULED ROUTE.

  • IT WAS THE MOST DISTURBING APPEARANCE OF A CAT ON THE PLANE

  • SINCE "CATS!" THE CAT IN QUESTION WAS SAID TO

  • BE A FERAL FELINE AND LIKELY BOARDED THE PLANE WHILE IT WAS

  • PARKED IN THE HANGAR OVERNIGHT FOR CLEANING.

  • WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO ELIMINATE THE 737'S

  • CONTROVERSIAL "KITTY DOOR."

  • AND IS THIS TRUE?

  • I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A RECORDING OF THE FLIGHT

  • ANNOUNCEMENT.

  • ( HORRIBLE CAT SOUNDS ) ( SHRIEKING AND WAILING )

  • >> UUHHHH, ATTENTION PASSENGERS, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN

  • SPEAKING.

  • WE ARE CRUISING AT 34,000 FEET, AND THERE IS A CAT CLAWING AT

  • MY FACE.

  • YOU MAY EXPERIENCE SOME MILD TURBULENCE AS I STAUNCH THE

  • BLOOD FLOWING FROM MY CAROTID ARTERY.

  • IF THERE'S AN AIR MARSHALL ON BOARD, I HOPE YOU HAVE A CAN OF

  • TUNA.

  • >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • MY GUEST IS PAUL BETTANY.

  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN, CORPORATIONS ARE GETTING THEIR OWN CITIES.

  • STICK AROUND.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: WELCOME!

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