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  • >> Stephen: GOOD LORD!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • AND HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE YOUR HOST.

  • WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE.

  • WE HAVE NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.

  • PLUS GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER IS GOING TO PERFORM "HOW DID WE GET

  • THAT GUY?" UNBELIEVABLE.

  • I'M IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT, BECAUSE AFTER A LONG HARD YEAR

  • OF COVID, THINGS ARE FINALLY LOOKING UP, IN THAT CASES ARE

  • GOING DOWN.

  • AND THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT, AFTER THE

  • F.D.A. APPROVED THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE, THERE WILL NOW

  • BE ENOUGH VACCINE AVAILABLE FOR THE ENTIRE ADULT POPULATION IN

  • THE UNITED STATES BY THE END OF MAY.

  • MAY!

  • YES!

  • I COULD KISS THAT MAN!

  • BY THE END OF MAY.

  • SOME STATES HAVE DECIDED IT'S ALL OVER.

  • FOR INSTANCE, JUST A FEW HOURS AGO, TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT

  • SECEDED FROM REALITY, TWEETING, "I JUST ANNOUNCED TEXAS IS OPEN

  • 100%.

  • EVERYTHING."

  • YOU HEAR THAT, IMMIGRANTS ON THE BORDER?

  • THE GOVERNOR SAID IT'S OPEN.

  • COME ON IN!

  • HE WENT ON TO TWEET, "I ALSO ENDED THE STATEWIDE MASK

  • MANDATE."

  • THAT'S RIGHT, NO MORE MASKS IN TEXAS!

  • SO, IF THEY SEE YOU WITH A BANDANA OVER YOUR FACE, YOU HAD

  • BETTER BE ROBBING A STAGECOACH!

  • THE ORDER INCREASED THE PERMITTED CAPACITY OF ALL

  • BUSINESSES TO 100%.

  • BUT ABBOTT LATER TWEETED, "TODAY'S ANNOUNCEMENT DOESN'T

  • ABANDON SAFE PRACTICES THAT TEXANS HAVE MASTERED OVER THE

  • PAST YEAR.

  • INSTEAD, IT'S A REMINDER THAT EACH PERSON HAS A ROLE TO PLAY

  • IN THEIR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY AND THE SAFETY OF OTHERS."

  • SURE, JUST LIKE REMOVING ALL THE STOP SIGNS FROM AN INTERSECTION

  • IS A REMINDER THAT EACH PERSON HAS A ROLE TO PLAY IN NOT

  • SMASHING INTO EACH OTHER.

  • IT'S NOT JUST TEXAS.

  • YESTERDAY, MASSACHUSETTS ANNOUNCED THE REOPENING OF

  • RESTAURANTS, MOVIE THEATERS, AND ROLLER SKATING RINKS.

  • ROLLER SKATING RINKS?

  • ARE THEY RE-OPENING THE STATE IN 1956?

  • ( AS OLD MAN ) "SAY, YOUNGSTERS!

  • COME ON BACK TO THE MALT SHOPPES, THE DRIVE-INS, AND THE

  • GARAGE WHERE YOU FIXED GREASED LIGHTNING.

  • SEE YOU ALL AT THE SOCK HOP!

  • BE HOME BY 10:00, OR THE RUSSKIES WIN!"

  • NEW YORK STATE IS NOW ALLOWING THE REOPENING OF LARGE-EVENT

  • VENUES AND AMUSEMENT PARKS.

  • SO, HAVE SOME FUN AT CONEY ISLAND, NEW YORKERS!

  • IF WHEN YOU STEP ON A SYRINGE, REMEMBER TO TRY TO FIND A SECOND

  • ONE TO STEP ON IN 28 DAYS!

  • BUT ALL THESE STATES MAY NEED TO SLOW THEIR ROLL, ACCORDING TO

  • C.D.C. DIRECTOR AND GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TELLING YOU S.A.T.

  • SCORES AREN'T EVERYTHING, DR. ROCHELLE WALENSKY.

  • YESTERDAY, DR. WALENSKY ISSUED THIS WARNING:

  • >> NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO■ç RELAX THE CRITICAL SAFEGUARDS.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, BUT CAN WE AT LEAST RELAX OUR SPHINCTERS?

  • BECAUSE MINE'S CLAMPED SHUT SO HARD, IT STARTED GRINDING!

  • MY DOCTOR SAYS I NEED TO GET A NIGHT GUARD!

  • I'M PUMPING OWMENT DIAMONDS.

  • THAT'S TOO FAR?

  • THAT'S TOO FAR?

  • IN THE ROUGH.

  • IN ANOTHER BUZZ-SHACKLING INTERVIEW, DR. WALENSKY SAID

  • THAT SHE GETS IT.

  • >> TOGETHER, WE HAVE THE CAPACITY TO AVOID ANOTHER SURGE

  • IN OUR NATION.

  • I KNOW PEOPLE ARE TIRED, THEY WANT TO GET BACK TO LIFE, TO

  • NORMAL, BUT WE'RE NOT THERE YET.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, COUNTER-POINT: HOW ABOUT NOW?

  • ARE WE THERE NOW?

  • BECAUSE OUR SCIENTISTS ARE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE PARENTS

  • ON A LONG ROAD TRIP.

  • "I KNOW YOU KIDS WANT TO GET HOME, KIDS, BUT IT'S JUST A FEW

  • MORE MILES, AND YOU'VE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR.

  • TUCK AND ROLL, TUCK AND ROLL!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING: IT LOOKS

  • LIKE THE DIRECTOR OF THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL MIGHT KNOW

  • A THING OR TWO ABOUT CONTROLLING DISEASES, BECAUSE WHILE THE

  • NUMBERS ARE LOOKING GOOD, THEY'RE ABOUT THE SAME AS THEY

  • WERE LAST SUMMER.

  • AND LAST SUMMER WAS NO PICNIC-- IN THAT I DID NOT GO ON ANY

  • PICNICS.

  • BUT NORMAL LIFE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, WAITING FOR US.

  • FOR INSTANCE, IN ISRAEL, ROYAL CARIBBEAN HAS BECOME THE FIRST

  • COMPANY TO OFFER "FULLY VACCINATED" CRUISES.

  • HELL, YEAH!

  • CRUISING'S BACK, BABY!

  • AND THANKS TO THE NEW VACCINATION, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

  • WORRY ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • JUST KICK BACK AND ENJOY DIARRHEA AND A HYPNOTIST SHOW ON

  • A FLOATING SHOPPING MALL THAT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE.

  • LIKE ROYALTY.■ç VACCINATED OR NO, SHARING A

  • BUFFET WITH HUNDREDS OF STRANGERS IN CLOSE QUARTERS

  • RIGHT NOW IS PRETTY MUCH THE LEAST-APPEALING CRUISE I CAN

  • IMAGINE.

  • OKAY, I STAND CORRECTED.

  • SORRY.

  • PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE VERY INTERESTED IN HITTING THE OPEN

  • SEAS BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, AROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISES ARE

  • SELLING OUT MORE THAN A YEAR IN ADVANCE.

  • THOUGH, IT COULD JUST BE PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR ANYTHING

  • THAT MEANS THEY WON'T BE STUCK INSIDE IN A YEAR.

  • "HEY, 12 MONTHS FROM NOW, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO ROLL DOWN A STEEP

  • HILL IN A GARBAGE CAN?" "TAKE MY MONEY!"

  • THAT WAS TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS, BY THE WAY.

  • NOW THAT WE KNOW THE VACCINES ARE WORKING, THEY'VE BECOME

  • EXTREMELY VALUABLE.

  • IN FACT, INTERPOL IS WARNING OF A DRAMATIC INCREASE IN ARMED

  • ROBBERIES OF VACCINE SHIPMENTS.

  • YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT IT IN THE NEW VIDEO GAME: "GRAND THEFT

  • AUTO: VIAL CITY."

  • YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THESE VIALS ARE A CRIME TARGET.

  • ON THE DARK WEB, COVID-19 VACCINES ARE ALREADY SELLING FOR

  • $200 PER DOSE.

  • NOW, BEFORE YOU TRY TO SCORE SOME PURE UNCUT 'VID 'VAC ON THE

  • STREET, IT MIGHT BE HUSTLED BY A DIFFERENT NAME: PFIZE-BALL,

  • DR. FAUCI'S MASK LOOSENER, CRACK-STROZENICA, JOHNSON &

  • JOHNSMACK, AND RIDING THE WHITE RIBONUCLEIC ACID-BASED IMMUNO

  • TECHNOLOGY.

  • TO PROTECT THE PRECIOUS CARGO, VACCINE TRUCKS ARE NOW UNMARKED,

  • AND HAVE TRUCK DRIVERS WITH A PANIC BUTTON ON THE DASHABOARD

  • IT ATHE HEADQUARTERS OF ANY DANGER, AND IF ALL THAT FAILS

  • IT ATHE HEADQUARTERS OF ANY DANGER, AND IF ALL THAT FAILS

  • THE TRUCKER CAN ALWAYS PELT THE THIEVES WITH A GATORADE BOTTLE

  • FULL OF PEE.

  • OF COURSE, ARMED ROBBERY IS NOT THE BIGGEST THREAT TO GETTING

  • EVERYBODY VACCINATED.

  • MISINFORMATON IS.

  • THAT'S WHY TODAY, TWITTER LAUNCHED A FIVE-STRIKE SYSTEM TO

  • BAN USERS WHO SPREAD COVID-19 LIES.

  • FIVE STRIKES?

  • IS THAT A THING NOW?

  • PLEASE TELL ME BASEBALL ISN'T GETTING LONER.

  • HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: EVERY TIME YOU LIE ABOUT COVID ON TWITTER,

  • YOU GET ONE STRIKE.

  • ONE STRIKE, NO ACCOUNT-LEVEL ACTION.

  • THEY JUST REMEMBER.

  • TWO STRIKES: 12-HOUR ACCOUNT LOCK.

  • THREE STRIKES: 12-HOUR ACCOUNT LOCK.

  • FOUR STRIKES: SEVEN-DAY ACCOUNT LOCK.

  • AND, FINALLY, FIVE STRIKES GETS YOU A PERMANENT SUSPENSION.

  • SO, THEY'VE SETTLED ON THE "TIRED PARENT" PUNISHMENT

  • METHOD: "BILLY!

  • BILLIE!

  • YOU SPRAY-PAINTED THE CAT?!

  • YOU DO THAT FOUR MORE TIMES, AND YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

  • OKAY, KEEP SPRAYING.

  • THAT'S ONLY YOUR SECOND.

  • DADDY'S TAKING A NAP.

  • KEEP SPRAYING, BUDDY."

  • SPEAKING OF CONSEQUENCES, THERE COULD BE SOME ON THE WAY FOR NEW

  • YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO, SEEN HERE WITH HIS RIGHT-HAND MAN WHO

  • MIGHT DESTROY HIS ADMINISTRATION.

  • CUOMO IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN FROM MEMBERS OF HIS OWN PARTY

  • AFTER TWO WOMEN ACCUSED HIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE

  • WORPLACE.

  • BUT IT TURNS OUT, THAT WASN'T EXACTLY ACCURATE, BECAUSE HE

  • WAS ALSO DOING IT OUTSIDE THE WORKPLACE.

  • YESTERDAY, A THIRD PERSON, ANNA RUCK, ACCUSED THE GOVERNOR

  • OF MAKING AN UNWANTED ADVANCE AT HER IN 2019 AT A CROWDED NEW

  • YORK CITY WEDDING RECEPTION.

  • ACCORDING TO RUCH, WHILE SPEAKING WITH CUOMO AT THE

  • WEDDING, HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BARE LOWER BACK.

  • AND WHEN SHE REMOVED HIS HAND WITH HER OWN, HE PLACED HIS

  • HANDS ON HER CHEEKS AND REMARKED THAT SHE SEEMED "AGGRESSIVE."

  • OKAY, SO IF HE THINKS PROTECTING YOURSELF IS AN ACT OF

  • AGGRESSION, THAT DOES EXPLAIN THE SAFETY SIGNS IN CUOMO

  • OFFICE.

  • "IN CASE OF FIRE, JUST LET IT HAPPEN OR YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A

  • PUSHY DAME."

  • BUT IT GETS WORSE BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, CUOMO THEN ASKED IF

  • HE COULD KISS HER, LOUDLY ENOUGH FOR A FRIEND STANDING NEARBY TO

  • HEAR, AND LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE FRIEND TO PHOTOGRAPH IT.

  • OKAY, SHE LOOKS CREEPED OUT, AND HE LOOKS CREEP.

  • IT DOESN'T HELP THAT HE'S THE COLOR OF HELLBOY.

  • HE LOOKS LIKE ON THE R.S.V.P.

  • CARD, HE SKIPPED "CHICKEN" AND "FISH," AND SELECTED "FLESH OF

  • THE INNOCENT."

  • OH, THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM THE LITERARY WORLD: DR. SEUSS

  • ENTERPRISES, THE COMPANY CHARGED WITH PROTECTING DR. SEUSS'

  • LEGACY, ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT SIX DR. SEUSS BOOKS WILL

  • STOP BEING PUBLISHED BECAUSE OF THEIR RACIST AND INSENSITIVE

  • IMAGERY.

  • THE BOOKS IN QUESTION ARE "AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON

  • MULBERRY STREET," "IF I RAN THE ZOO," "SCRAMBLED EGGS SUPER!"

  • "McELLIGOT'S POOL," "ON BEYOND ZEBRA!" "THE CAT'S QUIZZER," AND

  • "GREEN EGGS AND MATT LAUER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AFTER REVIEWING THE CONTENTS OF

  • THE DR. SEUSS CATALOG, DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISES MADE THE DECISION TO

  • CUT OUT CERTAIN BOOKS, SAYING IN A STATEMENT THAT, "CEASING SALES

  • OF THESE BOOKS IS ONLY PART OF OUR COMMITMENT TO ENSURE

  • DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISE'S CATALOG REPRESENTS AND SUPPORTS ALL

  • COMMUNITIES AND FAMILIES."

  • IT'S A RESPONSIBLE MOVE ON THEIR PART.

  • THERE HADN'T BEEN AN EARTH-SHATTERING OUTCRY, BUT

  • THEY RECOGNIZED THE IMPACT THAT THESE IMAGES MIGHT HAVE ON

  • READERS, ESPECIALLY KIDS, AND THEY'RE TRYING TO FIX IT,

  • BECAUSE DR. SEUSS BOOKS SHOULD BE FUN FOR ALL PEOPLE:

  • BLACK, WHITE, STRAIGHT, GAY, SNEETCHES-- BOTH STAR-BELLIED

  • AND PLAIN-- LORAXES, BARBALOOTS, ALL THE WHOS DOWN IN WHOVILLE,

  • AND THE STRANGE ANGRY CREATURE NAMED FOO-FOO THE SNOO.

  • AND IT'S ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT TO BE RESPONSIVE LIKE THIS, BECAUSE

  • DR. SEUSS HAS ALSO SO MANY BOOKS THAT ARE LOVELY AND TEACH VITAL

  • LESSONS THAT RESONATE TO THIS DAY.

  • "HORTON HEARS A WHO!" IS ABOUT LISTENING TO UNDERREPRESENTED

  • VOICES.

  • "THE BUTTER BATTLE BOOK," TEACHES TOLERANCE.

  • "THE LORAX" TEACHES ENVIRONMENTAL ETHICS.

  • AND "HOP ON POP" WARNS AGAINST THE DANGERS OF POP-HOPPING.

  • THE NEXT THING THAT POPS MIGHT BE HIS AORTA!

  • AND I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE PULLING A SMALL NUMBER OF HIS

  • BOOKS.

  • "IF I RAN THE ZOO" SHOWS RACIST DEPICTIONS OF ASIAN CHARACTERS,

  • SAYING THEY'RE "FROM COUNTRIES NO ONE CAN SPELL."

  • SO, "CHINA," TOO DIFFICULT TO SPELL.

  • BUT "SOLLA SOLLEW"?

  • SPELLED LIKE IT SOUNDS.

  • THE DR. SEUSS FOLKS LISTENED TO CRITICISM, THOUGHT IT WAS

  • REASONABLE, AND MADE WHAT'S CALLED "A CHANGE"-- OR AS IT'S

  • KNOWN ON FOX NEWS, "CANCEL CULTURE."

  • >> DR. SEUSS ESSENTIALLY HAS BEEN CANCELED.

  • >> THEY WANT TO CANCEL DR. SEUSS.

  • >> DR. SEUSS SHOULD NOT BE CANCELED IN YOUR HOME.

  • >> THERE'S NO PLACE THEY WON'T GO.

  • THEY'RE CANCELING DR. SEUSS FROM READING PROGRAMS.

  • I MEAN, THESE ARE BOOKS-- I LITERALLY KNOW "THE CAT IN THE

  • HAT" BY HEART WITHOUT THE BOOK THERE.

  • >> Stephen: I'M NOT SURPRISED DON JUNIOR LOVES "CAT IN THE

  • HAT."

  • I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED HE CAN READ AT A SECOND-GRADE LEVEL.

  • ALSO, I THINK HIS DAD CALLS HIM AND ERIC "THING ONE" AND "THING

  • TWO."

  • BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THESE CHILDREN'S BOOKS BEING

  • REMOVED FROM THE SHELVES, WE HERE AT "A LATE SHOW" HAVE JUST

  • THE BOOK FOR YOU: IT'S "OH, THE BOOKS YOU CAN

  • READ."

  • ( CLEARS THROAT ) SO, THE BOOK NEWS YOU HEARD

  • TODAY JUST GOT YOUR GOOSE.

  • AND NOW YOU'RE DEFENSIVE OF OL' DR. SEUSS.

  • IF YOU FIND THAT YOUR BOOKSHELF JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT DULLER,

  • CONSIDER THESE KIDS' BOOKS FROM PEOPLE OF COLOR.

  • THERE'S LOTS OF NEW STORIES YOU MIGHT FIND QUITE GOOD.

  • LIKE "EEMANI'S MOON" BY JANAY BROWN WOOD.

  • WANT MORE SUGGESTIONS?

  • NO NEED TO KEEP HOPIN'.

  • JUST PICK UP "FIREBIRD" BY THE MISTY COPELAND.

  • AND THIS ONE RIGHT HERE IS THE REAL "REAL McCOY."

  • IT'S THOMEESHA BOOKER'S GREAT BOOK, "BROWN BOY JOY."

  • THERE'S A WHOLE RANGE OF BOOKS THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL MERRY,