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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

  • WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JONA BATISTE.

  • JON, ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM OF TONIGHT'S MUSICAL GUEST?

  • I'M A BIG FAN.

  • >> Jon: I LIKE THAT GUY.

  • HE'S GOING.

  • >> Stephen: HE'S A COMER.

  • HE'S THE COMING MAN IS WHAT HE IS.

  • WHAT SONG ARE YOU DOING US TONIGHT FROM YOUR NEW ALBUM "WE

  • ARE"?

  • >> Jon: I'M GOING TO DO "I NEED YOU."

  • I WANT TO DO THAT BECAUSE WE NEED THE JOY.

  • WE NEED EACH OTHER, BABY.

  • >> Stephen: AND IT'S PACKED WITH IT.

  • IT'S PACKED WITH JOY LIKE PENUTS IN A SNICKER'S BAR.

  • GIVE US A LITTLE TEASE OF WHAT'S COMING.

  • >> Jon: JUST A LITTLE BIT.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR

  • THAT, EVERYBODY.

  • JON BATISTE.

  • >> Jon: GOT TO WAIT FOR THE RIFFUPON

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I SCOUR THE DIAMOND MARKET

  • FOR THE SHINIEST, MOST TOPICAL GEMS OF STORIES, THEN I LOVINGLY

  • ARRANGE AND SET THEM INTO A HAND-CAST, SOLID, 24-CARAT GOLD

  • NECKLACE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE CARTIER MASTERPIECE THAT IS MY

  • MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I GET ARRESTED FOR ILLEGALLY

  • TRADING BOOTLEG ENDANGERED MEAT AND GET SENT UP FOR A FIVE SPOT

  • WHERE ME AND SPIDER, WHO GOT PINCHED FOR HIS GOAT FIGHTING

  • RING, SCRAPE TOGETHER SOME BOTTLE CAPS, BUSTED PRETZELS,

  • AND DISCARDED LIFE SAVERS CANDIES WE FOUND IN THE

  • INFIRMARY AFTER A JUMP-OFF, STRING 'EM ONTO SOME GREASY HAIR

  • WE STOLE FROM CRUSHER'S PONYTAIL WHILE HE WAS KNOCKED OUT ON HIS

  • MEDS, ALL TO CREATE FOR YOU THE PRISON CRAFTROOM CHOKER OF NEWS

  • THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

  • >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CATS ARE JUST AS DISLOYAL AS

  • YOU SUSPECTED, A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS."

  • WHICH MEANS WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS:

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ CATS ARE (BLEEP).

  • IN 2015, RESEARCHERS "HAD DOGS SEE A SITUATION IN WHICH A THIRD

  • PARTY WOULD EITHER HELP THEIR OWNER OR TURN THEIR BACK ON

  • THEM."

  • WHEN THE THIRD PARTY SPURNED THE OWNER'S PLEA FOR HELP, THE DOGS

  • SEEMINGLY TOOK IT PERSONALLY AND TENDED TO AVOID TAKING A TREAT

  • FROM THEM."

  • WHEREAS, IN THE EXACT SAME TEST, "CATS SHOWED NO PREFERENCE

  • FOR PEOPLE WHO TREAT THEIR OWNERS POSITIVELY OVER THOSE

  • WHO BEHAVE NEGATIVELY TOWARDS THEM."

  • CONFIRMED: YOUR CAT DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BACK.

  • "HEY, I NOTICE YOU'VE BEEN STABBED IN THE NECK, MASTER.

  • YOU MIND SHOWING YOUR ASSAILANT WHERE THE PANTRY IS BEFORE YOU

  • PASS OUT?

  • THAT TUNA ISN'T GONNA OPEN ITSELF."

  • ALSO, BAD NEWS FOR BOND VILLAINS.

  • THAT CAT MAY TURN ON YOU.

  • THAT'S WHY Q ALWAYS GIVES JAMES BOND A PEN THAT ALSO WORKS AS A

  • LASER POINTER.

  • AND THIS BRINGS ME TO MORE BREAKING NEWS:

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ BREAKING NEWS: "DOGS GIVE A

  • RAT'S ASS IF YOU LIVE OR DIE."

  • WHO SPURNS MY NEMESIS?

  • YOU DO!

  • YOU GOT A VENDETTA.

  • YOU DO!

  • GOOD BOY!

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR OF ENGLAND'S NATIONAL

  • HEALTH SERVICE HAS WARNED AGAINST TAKING GWYNETH PALTROW'S

  • COVID ADVICE.

  • NOW, WAIT JUST A VAGINA CANDLE MINUTE!

  • IF WE CAN'T TRUST THE ACTOR LADY WHO SELLS YONI ROCKS AND

  • VA-JAY-JAY STEAMERS FOR MEDICAL ADVICE, WHO CAN WE TRUST?!

  • REESE WITHERSPOON?

  • SHE DOESN'T SELL ANYTHING TO JAM UP MY ORIFICES.

  • I GUESS DRAPER JAMES SELLS SUNGLASSES, BUT WHY WOULD I JAM

  • THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE?!

  • IT SEEMS PALTROW HAS BEEN CLAIMING YOU CAN RELIEVE COVID

  • EFFECTS WITH DUBIOUS TREATMENTS, LIKE A "KETO AND PLANT-BASED"

  • DIET, "LOTS OF COCONUT AMINOS" AND SUGAR-FREE KOMBUCHA AND

  • KIMCHI," AND "INTUITIVE FASTING."

  • AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT "INTUITIVE FASTING" MEANS, THINK

  • OF IT AS "CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLING" FROM NUTRIENTS.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, AUTHORITIES SEIZED NEARLY 300

  • POUNDS OF CONTRABAND BOLOGNA AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER.

  • NO WORD ON THE IDENTITY OF THE BOLOGNA CARTEL'S LEADER.

  • SO FAR, ALL THEY KNOW IS HE DOES HAVE A FIRST NAME, AND IT'S

  • "O-S-C-A-R."

  • NOW, IT'S ILLEGAL TO BRING FOREIGN BOLOGNA INTO THE U.S.,

  • IN PART, DUE TO THE RISK OF TRANSMITTING FOREIGN DISEASES.

  • BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE WHO EAT BOLOGNA ARE KNOWN

  • FOR, IT'S BEING HEALTH CONSCIOUS.

  • NOW, LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THE "QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUPER-SEGMENT

  • "MEANWHILE" MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING A STRONG SENSE OF

  • DEJA VU, BECAUSE IN NOVEMBER OF 2019, I NOTED A SIMILAR STORY:

  • MEANWHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION SEIZED 154

  • POUNDS OF "PROHIBITED BOLOGNA" THIS WEEK AT THE U.S.-MEXICO

  • BORDER CROSSING IN EL PASO, TEXAS.

  • BORDER PATROL AGENTS SEIZED THE MEAT, BUT THE CRIMINAL FLED THE

  • SCENE.

  • SO AUTHORITIES ARE ASKING THE PUBLIC TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR

  • THIS VEHICLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEWEST

  • "QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "TOLD YA SO."

  • TONIGHT "ON TOLD YA SO": TOLD YA SO.

  • I WARNED AMERICA ABOUT THE GROWING BOLOGNA THREAT, AND YET,

  • AMERICA DID NOTHING.

  • AND NOW IT'S GROWN FROM 154 POUNDS OF PROHIBITED BOLOGNA TO

  • NEARLY 300 POUNDS OF "CONTRABAND BOLOGNA."

  • AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEXT: 600 POUNDS OF "FORBIDDEN

  • BOLOGNA."

  • AND YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY'RE HIDING IT.

  • LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO PUT A PAIR OF

  • DRAPER JAMES SUNGLASSES THERE.

  • TAKE ACTION, AMERICA, BECAUSE WE CAN EITHER DO SOMETHING NOW OR

  • SEE THIS ALL PLAY OUT LATER IN THE UPCOMING SERIES: "NARCOS:

  • DELI COUNTER."

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

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B2 TheLateShow bologna jon quarantine stephen news

Quarantinewhile... Cats Don't Have Your Back, And Dogs Don't Care If You Live Or Die

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/03
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