WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I HOPE YOU'RE DOING OKAY.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

IT HAS BEEN-- IT'S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR.

HOW ROUGH?

WELL, IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, THE BIGGEST STORIES ALL INVOLVE OLD

MEN CRYING.

IT'S LIKE BEING AT DENNY'S THE DAY THEY DISCONTINUE THE $6.99

SUPER SLAM.

THE FIRST WEEPING SEPTUAGENARIAN: PRESIDENT JOE

BIDEN.

AND IT IS OUR GOOD GRACE THAT HE IS WILLING TO WEEP.

BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT

COMMEMORATED THE HEARTBREAKING NUMBER OF AMERICANS WHO HAVE

DIED DURING THE PANDEMIC.

>> TODAY, WE MARK A TRULY GRIM, HEARTBREAKING MILESTONE,

500,071 DEAD.

THAT'S MORE AMERICANS WHO DIED IN ONE YEAR IN THIS PANDEMIC

THAN IN WORLD WAR I, WORLD WAR II, AND THE VIETNAM WAR

COMBINED.

>> Stephen: THAT IS A HORRIFYING AND TRAGIC NUMBER THAT WAS

COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE, THAT WE COULD ALL SEE COMING, AND WAS

CLEARLY THE RESULT OF FAILED LEADERSHIP.

AFTER ALL, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN WAY MORE CASUALTIES IN WORLD

WAR II IF PATTON'S SPEECH WENT LIKE THIS:

>> NOW, I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT NO BASTARD EVER WON A WAR

BY DYING FOR HIS COUNTRY.

SO DON'T LET THE NAZIS DOMINATE YOUR LIFE.

THEY'LL BE GONE BY THE SPRING.

NOW, TAKE THE ADVICE OF MY FAVORITE PILLOW SALESMAN, AND

EAT YOUR BLEACH.

IT'LL GO THROUGH YOU LIKE CRAP THROUGH A GOOSE.

>> Stephen: IT WAS A DEVASTATING, BUT POWERFUL SPEECH

BECAUSE OF BIDEN'S WILLINGNESS TO SHARE IN OUR NATIONAL GRIEF

BY NAMING HIS PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH UNIMAGINABLE

LOSS.

IT'S HARD FOOTAGE TO PLAY ON A COMEDY SHOW LIKE THIS, BUT IT'S

NUTRITIOUS TO THE SOUL TO SEE A PRESIDENT FINALLY FACING OUR

EMOTIONAL REALITY.

AND IT'S REFRESHING.

BECAUSE THE PREVIOUS GUY'S EMOTIONAL RANGE RAN THE GAMUT

FROM ANGRY TO HANGRY.

TO PUT THE MONUMENTAL LOSS HE WAS ADDRESSING INTO PERSPECTIVE,

THE U.S. HAS ABOUT 4% OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND RECORDED

25% OF THE COVID CASES AND 20% OF THE FATALITIES.

IF A RESTAURANT HAD THE HEALTH RECORD THE UNITED STATES DOES,

THE LETTER GRADE OUT FRONT WOULD BE "NOT AVAILABLE-- INSPECTOR

DEVOURED BY RATS."

BUT DESPITE THE HISTORY OF BADNESS, THERE ARE REASONS FOR

HOPE.

THE VACCINATIONS ARE SPEEDING UP.

AND, YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED ANOTHER ONE IS ABOUT TO COME ON

THE MARKET, BECAUSE JOHNSON & JOHNSON ANNOUNCED IT CAN

PROVIDE 20 MILLION VACCINE DOSES BY LATE MARCH.

THAT IS SUCH GREAT NEWS, I COULD CRY!

BUT I KNOW JOHNSON & JOHNSON HAS A STRICT POLICY OF "NO MORE

TEARS."

OH, AND THERE'S MORE GOOD NEWS: THE SEVEN-DAY AVERAGE NUMBER OF

CASES IS DOWN 75%, DAILY HOSPITAL ADMISSION RATE DROPPED

60%, AND IN THE PAST WEEK, DEATHS HAVE DROPPED NEARLY 39%.

THAT IS WONDERFUL-- IF YOU IGNORE THE FACT THAT THESE

NUMBERS ARE COMPARABLE TO LAST SUMMER'S PEAK.

ALL RIGHT!

WE'RE BACK WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY

WORSE, BUT WE WERE WRONG!

WOO-HOO!

JIMMY, HIT THE FIREWORKS!

YEEEEAH.

ICA BOOM!

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE BANKING DOWN MY ENTHUSIASM.

APPARENTLY, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION ITSELF HAS

REFUSED TO PUBLICLY CELEBRATE THE PROGRESS WE'RE MAKING

BECAUSE THEY FEAR "IT WILL PROMPT PANDEMIC-WEARY

AMERICANS TO RELAX TOO SOON."

( AS BIDEN ) "DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN,

JACK!

OL' CORONA COULD JUST BE PLAYIN' POSSUM!

OKAY?

THE BOTTOM OF THE TRASH CAN, YOU THINK IT'S A DEAD RAT, THEN IT

JUMPS UP AND GRABS YOU BY THE EARS.

THEY GOT OPPOSABLE THUMBS!

START BURROWING IN YOUR EYE SOCKET!

ANYWAY, STOP, DROP, AND ROLL-- DON'T DO DRUGS.

( LAUGHTER ) READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

ONLY DOPES DO DOPE."

LAUGH ONE OF THOSE IS APPLICABLE.

THE POINT IS, I KNOW IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR, BUT WE CAN'T LET

UP NOW.

AND SOMEBODY OUGHT TO TELL THAT TO NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND MAN

JUST DARING YOU TO PULL HIS FINGER, ANDREW CUOMO.

BECAUSE, YESTERDAY, THE GOVERNOR ANNOUNCED THAT, FOR THE FIRST

TIME IN NEARLY A YEAR, MOVIE THEATERS IN NEW YORK CITY WILL

BE PERMITTED TO OPEN.

IT'S ALL PART OF CUOMO'S NEW COVID RESPONSE PLAN, "OPERATION:

PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE NURSING HOME THING."

( AS CUOMO ) "I WAS A MEME!

REMEMBER?

DO I HAVE A NIPPLE RING OR DON'T I?

WHERE ARE MY CUOMOSEXUALS AT?" NOW, I AM NOT A PUBLIC HEALTH

EXPERT, NOR DO I RUN A MOVIE THEATER, BUT THIS SOUNDS

QUESTIONABLE TO ME.

THE WHOLE REASON CASES ARE GOING DOWN IS THAT WE'RE NOT DOING

THINGS LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES.

BUT IT'S HARDLY WORTH IT JUST TO BE COMPLETELY CONFUSED BY

"TENET" ON THE BIG SCREEN!

OF COURSE, THE GOVERNOR PROMISES THERE WILL BE PRECAUTIONS.

FOR INSTANCE, THE THEATERS WILL ONLY BE PERMITTED TO OPERATE AT

25% OF THEIR MAXIMUM CAPACITY, WITH NO MORE THAN 50 PEOPLE PER

SCREENING.

SO, IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE NEW LIAM NEESON MOVIE "MARKSMAN,"

YOU SHOULD BE SAFE.

BRING 49 FRIENDS.

( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU A BIG FAN?

ARE YOU A BIG MAN.

ARE YOU LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING "MARKSMAN"?

YOU'RE AFRAID LIAM IS GOING TO BE MAD ABOUT THE JOKE.

LIAM AND I ARE FRIENDS.

YOU CAN'T TELL FROM THAT JOKE, BUT WE'RE FRIENDS!

HE DOESN'T WRITE THEM.

( LAUGHTER ) HEHE HAS A CERTAIN SET OF SKILLS

THEY DO NOT INVOLVE WRITING MOVIES.

( LAUGHTER ) IN ADDITION, MASKS WILL BE

MANDATORY, AND THEATERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO HAVE ENHANCED AIR

FILTRATION SYSTEMS.

AND YOU'D BETTER HOPE THESE PRECAUTIONS WORK, BECAUSE TESTS

FOR THE CORONAVIRUS WILL NOT BE REQUIRED.

IT EXPLAINS THE UPDATE TO THEIR LITTLE SONG:

♪ LET'S ALL GO TO THE HOSPITAL

♪ AND HAVE THE DOC SWAB OUR SPITTLE

♪ LET'S ALL GO TO THE HOSPITAL

♪ BECAUSE WE WATCHED "THE CROODS" ♪

>> Stephen: DESPITE THE ENHANCED RISK, THE GOVERNOR MADE IT CLEAR

THAT MOVIE THEATER EMPLOYEES ARE NOT YET ELIGIBLE FOR THE

COVID-19 VACCINE.

SO, THEY'RE GOING TO WANT TO USE A LOT OF PURELL.

OR THE POPCORN TOPPING.

THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES.

THIS STORY UNDERLINES THE FUNDAMENTAL INEQUITY IN

DISTRIBUTING VACCINES IN THIS COUNTRY.

FOR INSTANCE, ACCORDING TO THE C.D.C., BLACK PEOPLE AND LATINOS

ARE THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE HOSPITALIZED AND TWICE AS

LIKELY TO DIE FROM THE VIRUS, BUT BLACK AND LATINO AMERICANS

ARE BEING VACCINATED AT LOWER RATES.

SO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT.

THAT'S NICE.

THEY CREATED A PROGRAM WHERE MEMBERS OF UNDER-SERVED

COMMUNITIES WOULD BE THE ONLY ONES ALLOWED TO MAKE CERTAIN

VACCINATION APPOINTMENTS USING SPECIAL ACCESS CODES PROVIDED TO

COMMUNITY ORGANIZATIONS.

AND IF YOU USE THE CODE "UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT,

RIGHT, B., A., START," YOU GET A VACCINE APPOINTMENT AND THE

FEATHER THAT MAKES YOU FLY.

THIS IS AN EQUITABLE SYSTEM PROMOTING FAIRNESS, SO

NATURALLY, LOS ANGELES' WEALTHY ARE NABBING THE SECRET VACCINE

APPOINTMENT CODES FROM MINORITY COMMUNITIES.

IT'S ALL CHRONICLED IN THE NEW SERIES, "THE REAL ASS WIPES OF

BEVERLY HILLS."

ONTO THE NEXT CRYING OLD MAN, ATTORNEY GENERAL NOMINEE, AND

MAN DESCRIBING HIS INVISIBLE RABBIT FRIEND, MERRICK GARLAND,

WHO VOWS TO TARGET WHITE SUPREMACISTS AS ATTORNEY

GENERAL.

AND FOR A CHANGE, IT'S NOT TO GIVE THEM MEDALS OF FREEDOM.

GARLAND ALREADY HAS A LIFETIME APPOINTMENT AS A FEDERAL JUDGE,

BUT HE'S GIVING THAT UP TO BE ATTORNEY GENERAL, AND YESTERDAY,

HE TEARFULLY EXPLAINED WHY.

>> I COME FROM A FAMILY WHERE MY GRANDPARENTS FLED ANTI-SEMITISM

AND PERSECUTION.

THE COUNTRY TOOK US IN-- AND PROTECTED US.

AND I FEEL AN OBLIGATION TO THE COUNTRY TO PAY BACK, AND THIS IS

THE HIGHEST, BEST USE OF MY OWN SET OF SKILLS TO PAY BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT WE'VE COME TO IN THIS COUNTRY: THE

GRANDSON OF PEOPLE WHO FLED GENOCIDE IS PROMISING TO SAVE

OUR COUNTRY FROM WHITE SUPREMACISTS.

AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE HARD TO FIND.

JOSH HAWLEY IS SITTING RIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM FROM HIM.

SPEAKING OF MOBS OF ANGRY IDIOTS, THIS WEEK IS THE

CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE, OR CPAC.

IT'S A WHO'S WHO OF "WHO NEEDS THAT MANY GUNS IN THEIR REC

ROOM?" OF COURSE, WITH ALL THE CRISES

FACING OUR NATION, CONSERVATIVES ARE FOCUSING ON THE MOST

PRESSING ISSUE OF ALL: FASCISTS BEING KICKED OFF OF TWITTER.

THIS YEAR'S THEME IS "AMERICA UNCANCELED."

I DIDN'T KNOW AMERICA WAS CANCELED!

ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT SURPRISED.

THE LAST SEASON WAS PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE.

A PANDEMIC AND NAZIS?

OKAY, PICK ONE.

WE'VE JUMPED THE SHARK.

OOOH, NAZI SHARKS.

STILL, BETTER THAN LAST YEAR'S CPAC THEME: "GIVING THE FLAG THE

CLAP."

ACCORDING-- REALLY, REALLY?

YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF OFFENDING THE FLAG?

IS THAT-- OKAY.

ACCORDING TO CPAC-- I JUST HAVE TO CHECK.

WHEN YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON ME AND WALK AWAY I HAVE TO MAKE

SURE THERE'S A REASON FOR YOU REMOVING YOURSELF FROM THE ROOM.

ACCORDING TO CPAC, IT'S TIME TO STAND UP FOR AMERICANS WHOSE

VIEWS HAVE GOTTEN THEM "CANCELED."

WHICH IS WHY THEY KICKED THINGS OFF BY CANCELING AN APPEARANCE

FROM ONE OF THEIR PANELISTS FOR A HISTORY OF MAKING ANTI-SEMITIC

CLAIMS.

GOOD-- CONSERVATIVES DON'T WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE

LIKE THAT.

IT COULD SULLY THE GOOD NAME OF THE MOB WITH ALUMINUM BATS WHO

TRIED TO MURDER MIKE PENCE.

THE CANCELED MAN IN QUESTION IS A RAPPER NAMED YOUNG PHARAOH,

WHO WAS PULLED FROM THE LINEUP AFTER JOURNALISTS POINTED OUT

HIS RECORD OF PUBLICLY REJECTING THE EXISTENCE OF

JUDAISM OUTRIGHT.

OKAY, PRETTY BOLD STANCE TO REJECT THE EXISTENCE OF THE

WORLD'S OLDEST MONOTHEISTIC RELIGION.

THEY'VE BEEN AROUND FOR A WHILE, AND THEY WRITE IT ALL DOWN!

IT'S KIND OF THEIR THING.

YOU KNOW WHO COULD TELL YOUNG PHARAOH THAT JUDAISM EXISTS?

OLD PHARAOH!

THERE'S A PRETTY FAMOUS OLD BOOK ABOUT IT!

THERE'S EVEN A NEW BOOK ABOUT IT!

CPAC APPARENTLY HADN'T KNOWN ABOUT YOUNG PHARAOH'S HISTORY OF

ANTI-SEMITISM, AND CALLED HIS VIEWS "REPREHENSIBLE," SAYING

THEY HAVE "NO HOME WITH THEIR CONFERENCE."

YES, CONSERVATIVES WOULD NEVER DOUBT THE EXISTENCE OF JEWISH

PEOPLE.

OTHERWISE, WHO'S OPERATING THE SPACE LASER?

SPEAKING OF SPACE, IT'S TIME FOR "SPACE NEWS: MARS EDITION."

IT'S BEEN A BIG WEEK FOR SPACE.

ON THURSDAY, NASA SUCCESSFULLY LANDED THE PERSEVERANCE ROVER ON

MARS.

AND YESTERDAY, THEY DROPPED THE HOT FOOTAGE.

LOOK AT THAT I HAD-DEF!

MAN THE FIRST INTERPLANETARY LANDING IN FULL COLOR!

THE RED AND WHITE PARACHUTE, JUST LIKE THE APOLLO MISSIONS--

BUT IT'S MARS!

THIS IS SO EXCITING!

IT'S LIKE I'M THERE!

I CAN ALMOST TASTE MATT DAMON'S POOP POTATOES!

AND HERE'S ANOTHER AMAZING SHOT OF THE JET-POWERED SKYCRANE

LOWERING THE ROVER DOWN TO THE SURFACE.

THAT'S AMAZING!

AND YOU KNOW THAT SKYCRANE'S GOING TO HAVE A HELL OF A TIME

PICKING THAT ROVER BACK UP.

EVEN WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT OVER IT, YOU END UP PICKING UP A

KNOCK-OFF BEANIE BABY, OR SOMETHING UPON

IT WASN'T JUST VIDEO.

WE ALSO GOT OUR FIRST LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF MARS FROM NASA'S

OFFICIAL SOUNDCLOUD: >> Stephen: WOW.

WE FINALLY KNOW WHAT IT WOULD SOUND LIKE IF SOMEBODY

BUTT-DIALED YOU FROM MARS.

THIS WAS TRULY AN HISTORIC EVENT.