Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, guys, the big story today

is that following this week's Supreme Court ruling,

Trump was forced to turn over

millions of pages of his tax records

to the Manhattan District Attorney's Office.

Millions of pages, yeah.

The only place you'll find more ink

is Rudy Giuliani's sideburns.

I feel bad for whoever's second in line

to use the copier in that office.

Like, "Uh, how long you going to be?"

Like, "Oh, shouldn't be -- There's only like 100,000 more.

Double sided, so maybe go get a frappuccino and come back."

But this really is big news because after they thoroughly

go through each document,

Trump could be charged around the year 3000.

You can tell that they're Trump's real tax returns because

under total loss, he still didn't declare the election.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

We're having a good time.

Speaking of Trump, President Biden's been in an office

just over a month, and people have noticed

that he never calls Trump by name.

He'll call him "the former guy"

or mention "the previous administration."

I mean, he's even called him things like --

-Oh, here we go.

-Tariq? What's up? -Let me guess.

Now you're going to do a silly bit where you list a bunch

of funny "nicknames" that Biden called Trump.

-I mean, yeah, that was -- that was the plan.

-And each joke will pop up as a graphic

so everyone can see it and "laugh" about it.

[ Laughter ]

-Right, right. Jokes work better

when there's a visual component, sure.

-It's all so predictable.

Like, the graphic will be a photo of Biden and Trump,

and then under Trump, you'll list names like

LL Coup J...

[ Laughter ]

...or One Term-inator...

-Uh-huh.

-...or, uh, Don Jr. Sr.

Or, uh, Princess Impeached.

Or something like "only guy on Myspace right now."

And then you'll close with something

a little more risqué like... YMCA-Hole.

[ Laughter ]

Is --

[ Applause ]

Is that how this is gonna go?

-Yeah, you -- you nailed it.

-Yeah, seems like a fun bit. You should do it.

-Great. Well, we'll do it tomorrow.

-Can't wait.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Well, this is crazy.

On a recent flight from Cincinnati to Phoenix,

a pilot noticed something strange in the air.

Listen to this.

-An American Airlines pilot radios in

a mid-flight close encounter with an apparent UFO.

-That's right. It could be a possible UFO.

Yeah, aliens were looking for intelligent life,

and they didn't find any on an American Airlines flight

during a pandemic.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I love UFO sightings. It's like...

"That could be an alien! Or a Domino's delivery drone."

When they heard, United was like, "Sorry. Our bad.

That was our plane. The wings just fell off."

[ Laughter ]

Hey, listen to this. The CDC just found out

that gyms with maskless users

are considered to be high-risk for the spread of COVID.

Yep, the report also found that people running

on the train tracks are more likely to get hit by a subway.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Americans are like, "Really? 'Cause I was about to go

to Planet Fitness and lick the elliptical!

Is that okay?

[ Laughter ]

I use the bicycle seat as a face mask!

Is that okay?!

[ Laughter ]

I found this towel! Can I eat it?!

Is that okay?! Can I eat the towel?!"

Get sued by Brian Regan.

Yeah, the CDC says people must wear masks

and put at least 20% more effort

into pretending to wipe down the machines.

That's right. Gyms with maskless users

are at high-risk for spread of COVID.

And they're not the only risky places. Watch this.

-Well, new this morning, CDC researchers say masks

may be key particularly

to stopping the spread of COVID-19 at gyms.

Masks are also key in stopping the spread of COVID

at the following places.

-Oh, come on, now!

Fyre Festival 2?

I got tickets to that!

"Hot breath" competition! That's...

Some entertainment news.

In a three-hour event yesterday, Paramount Plus revealed

all the content that will be available

on the new streaming service next month.

People are already calling it the best streaming service

next to Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV, HBO Max, Disney Plus,

Discovery Plus, ESPN Plus, Amazon, and Peacock.

Soon people are going to be searching

through 20 streaming platforms and go,

"I wish they'd invent something where you could find

all these shows in one place, and they should call it cable."

[ Laughter ]

But the big Paramount Plus show that everyone's talking about

is the "Frasier" reboot with Kelsey Grammer.

Yep, they want to attract young viewers,

so, naturally, they rebooted a show

about a 70-year-old therapist.

I wonder if Kelsey Grammer's agent was like...

-[ Fingers snap ] -"I got it!

You could be Frasier again."

[ Laughter ]

"Morty, you son of a bitch.

You did it again."

[ Laughter ]

Listen to this. Hasbro is trying to be

more inclusive by dropping the "Mister"

from its Mr. Potato Head brand name.

Yep, it's just going to be called Potato Head.

[ Laughter ]

I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure Tucker Carlson

has spent the last 12 hours foaming at the mouth.

[ Laughter ]

By the way, if the new Potato Head kneels during the anthem,

every person on Fox News is going to explode.

That's just the way...

Meanwhile, conservatives are already striking back

by releasing a Slinky with a penis.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Some news from overseas in England.

There are reports of counterfeit wine bottles.

Listen to this.

-Cheap-wine lovers are the target of a scam.

Someone is mass-producing counterfeit Yellow Tail wine.

-Victims report that the color and that taste were off.

The maker of Yellow Tail wines

confirmed that the bottles were indeed rip-offs.

-Who's counterfeiting Yellow Tail?

[ Laughter ]

The Yellow Tail people were like, "We're so upset here,

because we know our wine is far superior

thanks to our 30-minute aging process."

-[ Laughter ] -Get this.

In Washington, a high-school band is practicing

in pop-up tents in an effort to prevent the spread of COVID.

Yeah. Practicing is easy. The hard part is marching.

[ Laughter ]

Parents at the concert will be like,

"That's mine. Green tent number 24."

I'm sure the kids are just happy to play.

Can we see another picture? Whoa.

[ Laughter ]

The only kid who's got it worst is the cellist.

It's like... -We need those.

-Yeah, right. -Can we have those?

-Yeah. You guys -- Get the band together?

-Please, please? Yeah. Yeah.

-Uh, asked why he decided to do it, the music teacher said...

"Because it's funny."

[ Laughter ]

And, finally, we're all bored during the pandemic,

but check out what this Colorado woman saw

two guys doing in the snow last week.

-Woman: Geez.

[ Laughter ]

-One of the guys was like, "Join me,

and together we can rule Beaver Creek, Colorado."

C-3PO was like, "I'm detecting signs of virginity."