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  • >> Stephen: HELLO.

  • WELCOME, WELCOME.

  • GATHER AROUND ONE AND ALL.

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE ON THIS NIGHT SO FILLED WITH

  • DRAMATIC BREAKING NEWS.

  • ♪♪♪ LET'S GET TO THE NUMBER ONE

  • STORY TRENDING IN AMERICA: MR. POTATO HEAD IS NO LONGER A

  • MISTER.

  • AGAIN -- AND I'M NATIONAL MONUMENT MAKING THIS UP, THE

  • NUMBER ONE STORY TRENDING IN AMERICA.

  • ARE WE LIVE?

  • WHY DIDN'T GO WE LIVE?

  • WHY AREN'T WE LIVE?!

  • MR. POTATO HEAD IS NO LONGER A MISTER!

  • AND NOT, AS I ORIGINALLY ASSUMED, BECAUSE HE FINALLY

  • FINISHED HIS PH.D...

  • HIS POTATO HEAD DOCTORATE.

  • NO, IT'S BECAUSE HASBRO IS GIVING THE SPUD A GENDER NEUTRAL

  • NEW NAME: POTATO HEAD.

  • BUT IF IT'S NOT ASSIGNED A GENDER, WHAT BATHROOM WILL IT

  • USE?pNATURALLY WHEN THIS NEWS HI TWITTER, THE WORLD'S TOP IDIOTS

  • WEIGHED IN.

  • PIERS MORGAN TWEETED, "WHO WAS ACTUALLY OFFENDED BY MR. POTATO

  • HEAD BEING MALE?

  • I WANT NAMES.

  • THESE WOKE IMBECILES ARE DESTROYING THE WORLD."

  • YES, THEY'RE DESTROYING THE WORLD!

  • HOW WILL CHILDREN GROW UP WITHOUT A STRONG MALE POTATO

  • ROLE MODEL?

  • WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE TOTS?

  • PIERS, I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT PART OF THIS IS INHERENTLY "MALE" TO

  • YOU?

  • I MEAN, TRUE, THE SOFT CURVES DO RESEMBLE MY TORSO, BUT THAT'S

  • BECAUSE AFTER 11 MONTHS OF PANDEMIC, I'M MOSTLY POTATO

  • MYSELF.

  • SPEAKING OF THE PANDEMIC, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

  • THE GOOD NEWS IS SCIENCE.

  • THE BAD NEWS IS EVOLUTION.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF MY "I

  • REALLY WISH IT WOULD END" SEGMENT, "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:

  • ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • ("BEAUTIFUL DREAMER") >> ♪ BEAUTIFUL FEVER

  • ONE HUNDRED AND THREE.

  • PLEASE GO AND LICK ALL OF THE ELDERLY

  • SNEEZE ON A DOOR KNOB DON'T VACCINATE

  • BREATHE ME INTO ALL OF YOUR LUNGS

  • I CAN'T WAITTHANK YOU!

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

  • I'LL BE HERE ALL YEAR!

  • OW!

  • OW OW!

  • OKAY!

  • STOP, STOP!

  • THIS IS BECOMING ABUSIVE NOW!

  • OKAY!

  • I'M GOING, I'M GOING!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ANIMATORS DON'T

  • REALIZE I CAN'T SHOOT THAT FAST.

  • I'M NOT LEGLESS OVER HERE.

  • >> OW!

  • >> Stephen: I HAVEN'T HIT YOU YET.

  • >> BUT YOU'RE GOING TO.

  • >> Stephen: NO, I'M NOT.

  • EVIE'S HERE.

  • WATCH OUT!

  • IT'S A TOY!

  • HE CAN'T POKE ANY EYES OUT.

  • CHRIS HAS GGLES ON.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • HE'S NO FOOL.

  • HE'S GOT GOGGLES ON.

  • MARK, HOW YOU DOING?

  • YOU'VE GOT THE NINJA SKILLS.

  • CAN YOU CATCH THIS IN MIDAIR?

  • >> THAT'S VERY IRRESPONSIBLE OF YOU.

  • >> Stephen: I'M VERY IRRESPONSIBLE.

  • THIS WILL ALL BE EDIT UTO, NO DOUBT.

  • FIRST UP, THE BAD NEWS -- THE CORONAVIRUS KEEPS EVOLVING

  • INTO MORE CONTAGIOUS AND DEADLY STRAINS.

  • FIRST, WE HAD THE BRITISH VARIANT, THEN THE SOUTH AFRICAN

  • VARIANT, THE BRAZILIAN, THE CALIFORNIAN.

  • OF COURSE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRAVEL THE WORLD TO GET THESE.

  • THEY'RE ALL AVAILABLE AT DISNEY'S NEW THEME PARK:

  • EP-COUGH.

  • WELL, NOW SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A NEW CORONAVIRUS VARIANT IN NEW

  • YORK CITY.

  • IT'S A LOT LIKE REGULAR COVID, BUT ONCE IT'S IN YOUR BODY, IT

  • GENTRIFIES YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM UNTIL EVEN THE WHITE BLOOD CELLS

  • CAN'T AFFORD TO STAY.

  • THE NEW STRAIN WASN'T JUST DISCOVERED HERE, RESEARCHERS

  • BELIEVE IT IS "HOME-GROWN, PRESUMABLY IN NEW YORK."

  • SURE, NEW YORKERS DEMAND THAT THEIR VIRUS BE LOCALLY-SOURCED,

  • FARM TO TABLE, SUBWAY TO LUNGS.

  • YOU DON'T WANT ONE OF THOSE "BRIDGE AND TUNNEL" VIRUSES.

  • RESEARCHERS SAY THE NEW STRAIN IS MORE CONTAGIOUS AND MAY CAUSE

  • MORE SEVERE DISEASE.

  • IF YOU CAN GET IT HERE IT WILL BE MUCH MORE SEVERE

  • WORSE THAN THE FLU NEW YORK, NEW-- ♪

  • (COUGH) DESPITE ALL THE NEW VARIANTS,

  • THERE IS GOOD NEWS.

  • YESTERDAY, THE F.D.A. ANNOUNCED THAT JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S NEW

  • COVID-19 VACCINE IS SAFE AND EFFECTIVE, AND ONLY REQUIRES A

  • SINGLE DOSE.

  • YOU ONLY NEED ONE SHOT?

  • THAT MUST BE A REALLY POWERFUL INJECTION.

  • AND, I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE FIRST RECIPIENT:

  • ( CRYING ) ( GASPING )

  • >> IF YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, THEN SAY SOMETHING.

  • >> CAN I GO TO A RESTAURANT NOW?

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, THE VACCINES ARE WORKING.

  • THE NEXT CHALLENGE IS TO GET PEOPLE TO TAKE THEM, BECAUSE

  • ACCORDING TO ONE RECENT POLL, ABOUT ONE IN THREE AMERICANS SAY

  • THEY DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY WON'T GET THE COVID-19 VACCINE.

  • YES, A THIRD OF AMERICANS ARE TOO CONCERNED ABOUT THE HEALTH

  • IMPLICATIONS TO GET A VACCINE, BUT THEY'LL LINE UP FOR ARBY'S

  • NEW MEAT MOUNTAIN.

  • ARBY'S!

  • WE HAVE -- NO SHAME!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, IN ORDER TO GET MORE

  • PEOPLE TO TAKE VACCINES, THE AD COUNCIL LAUNCHED A NEW

  • CAMPAIGN.

  • IT TAKES A LOOK: >> AS THE COVID-19 VACCINES

  • BECOME AVAILABLE, YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF, SHOULD I GET

  • IT?

  • AND IF I DO, WILL I GO ABOUT LIFE WITHOUT PUTTING MY FAMILY

  • AT RISK?

  • YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS, AND THAT'S NORMAL.

  • THE FACT IS, THE VACCINES ARE SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.

  • THEY'RE GOING TO SAVE LIVES.

  • BECAUSE GETTING BACK TO THE MOMENTS WE MISS STARTS WITH

  • GETTING INFORMED.

  • IT'S UP TO YOU.

  • >> STEPHEN: IT'S A NICE SENTIMENT, BUT "IT'S UP TO YOU"

  • IS WHY WE HAVE THIS PROBLEM.

  • WE NEED EVERYONE TO GET THE VACCINE.

  • HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE FORCEFUL AND HONEST, LIKE

  • "DON'T KILL GRANDMA!", OR "NO ONE HAS POLIO-- CAN YOU

  • GUESS WHY?" IN O.G. CORONAVIRUS NEWS, THE

  • CHINESE GOVERNMENT CAUSED A STIR RECENTLY WHEN THEY ROLLED OUT

  • THEIR ANAL SWAB CORONAVIRUS TEST.

  • THERE WERE ALWAYSABLE GASUPS IN THIS ROOM WHEN I READ THAT.

  • SEEMS LIKE AN INDIRECT WAY TO GET TO THE NOSE.

  • EXACTLY HOW LONG ARE THOSE Q-TIPS?

  • THE CHINESE CLAIM THAT THE ANAL SWABS ARE MORE ACCURATE, BUT

  • THEY PROMISED THE TESTS WOULD BE RARE.

  • WELL, EVIDENTLY, MEDIUM-RARE BECAUSE U.S. OFFICIALS IN CHINA

  • HAVE TOLD THE STATE DEPARTMENT THAT THEY HAD BEEN SUBJECTED TO

  • THE ANAL TESTS.

  • A CHINESE FOREIGN MINISTRY SPOKESPERSON CLAIMED THAT CHINA

  • HAS NEVER ASKED U.S. DIPLOMATS IN CHINA TO GO THROUGH ANAL SWAB

  • TESTS.

  • THE KEY WORD IS "ASKED."

  • NOTORIOUSLY, THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WAIT FOR

  • PERMISSION.

  • EXHIBIT A: THIS GUY.

  • HIS BIOPSY SHOULD BE BACK ANY DAY NOW.

  • WE TOOK AWAY HIS GENITALS.

  • WE DIDN'T BLUR THEM, WE LITERALLY REMOVED THEM

  • DIGITALLY.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN WE FOUND THIS GRAPHIC EARLIER

  • TODAY, THE MAN, YOU KNOW -- IT'S THE BODY AND THE PART OF THE

  • BODY THAT'S DOWN THERE.

  • WE THOUGHT CBS WASN'T GOING TO LET US SHOW THAT, BUT I DIDN'T

  • KNOW THEY WERE GOING TO YANK THEM.

  • I THOUGHT A TASTEFULLY BLUR OR BLACK BAR OR SOMETHING.

  • WHAT IF WE COME TO?

  • THE U.S. SAID THEY AREN'T GOING TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN, OR EVEN

  • BENT OVER.

  • A STATE DEPARTMENT SPOKESPERSON SAID THEY'RE "COMMITTED TO

  • GUARANTEEING THE SAFETY AND SECURITY OF AMERICAN DIPLOMATS

  • AND THEIR FAMILIES WHILE PRESERVING THEIR DIGNITY

  • CONSISTENT WITH THE VIENNA CONVENTION ON DIPLOMATIC

  • RELATIONS."

  • YES, THE VIENNA CONVENTION IS VERY CLEAR.

  • SAYS IT RIGHT IN THE PREAMBLE: NO BUTT STUFF.

  • SPEAKING OF ASSES: THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION.

  • THERE'S MORE FALLOUT, AND I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S

  • "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."

  • >> I'M IN THE MOOOOOOD FOR JUSTICE!

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, BESSIE.

  • FIRST INTO THE PADDYWAGON IS ALLEGED INSURRECTIONIST AND MAN

  • GOOGLING "HOW TO WEAR A MASK," RICHARD

  • MICHETTI.

  • MICHETTI WAS IDENTIFIED AS ONE OF THE CAPITOL RIOTERS BECAUSE

  • HE APPARENTLY TOOK A BREAK FROM THE RIOTING TO ARGUE WITH HIS

  • EX-GIRLFRIEND OVER TEXT MESSAGE.

  • COME ON, MAN!

  • YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE THING TO BE ANGRY ABOUT AT A TIME.

  • "STOP THE STEAL!

  • HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • SCREW YOU, LIZ!

  • RETURN MY HOODIE!" MICHETTI WENT ON A MID-RIOT

  • TEXTING SPREE, SENDING HIS FORMER GIRLFRIEND PHOTOS AND

  • VIDEOS OF THE MOB, AND THEN A MESSAGE READING, "IF YOU CAN'T

  • SEE THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN, YOU'RE A MORON."

  • YEAH, "YOU'RE A MORON" SAID THE MAN INSULTING HIS EX AFTER

  • TEXTING HER VIDEO EVIDENCE OF HIS FEDERAL CRIMES.

  • EVIDENTLY, MICHETTI'S EX DIDN'T TAKE TOO KINDLY TO BEING CALLED

  • A MORON, AND PROMPTLY TOLD THE F.B.I. THAT HE WAS AT THE

  • CAPITOL, AND HE NOW FACES UP TO 20 YEARS IN PRISON.

  • YOU GO, GIRL!

  • THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU WON THE BREAKUP.

  • "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT CHELSEA?

  • SHE'S DOING AMAZING!

  • SHE GOT A KILLER HAIRCUT, SHE'S DATING A GREAT NEW GUY, AND SHE

  • SENT RICHARD TO FEDERAL PRISON.

  • SLAY, QUEEN!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • NEXT UP IN THE LASSO OF THE LAW: THIS WEEK, CHARGES WERE FILED

  • AGAINST QUEENS RESIDENT AND MAN SAYING, "YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

  • CUZ MY KIDS WON'T TALK TO ME," PHILLIP GRILLO.

  • GRILLO IS A LOCAL G.O.P. LEADER, WHO REFERRED TO HIMSELF ON

  • FACEBOOK AS "THE REPUBLICAN MESSIAH."

  • WE HAVE A STATEMENT FROM THE CAPITOL POLICE ABOUT GRILLO'S

  • CLAIM: >> HE'S NOT THE MESSIAH, HE'S A

  • VERY NAUGHTY BOY!

  • >> STEPHEN: NEXT UP, TEXAS REALTOR JENNA RYAN, WHO TOOK

  • A PRIVATE JET TO THE RIOT, AND THEN-- MAYBE TO MAKE HER FLIGHT

  • TAX DEDUCTIBLE-- SHE TURNED INSURRECTION INTO AN AD.

  • >> WE'RE GOING TO (BLEEP) GO IN HERE.

  • LIFE OR DEATH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • Y'ALL KNOW WHO TO HIRE FOR YOUR REALTOR.

  • JENNA RYAN, YOUR REALTOR.

  • U.S.A.!

  • ( CHANTING U.S.A. ) >> STEPHEN: YOU GO, GIRL!

  • YOU GET YOUR PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN!

  • IT REMINDS ME OF AFTER JOHN WILKES BOOTH SHOT LINCOLN AND

  • JUMPED FROM THE BALCONY SHOUTING, "I'M NOT GOING TO PAY

  • A LOT FOR THIS MUFFLER!" IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO HER

  • ARREST, RYAN WAS DEFIANT.

  • BUT ACCORDING TO THE "WASHINGTON POST," FACING FEDERAL CHARGES

  • AND ABANDONED BY THE PEOPLE SHE CALLS PATRIOTS, SHE SAID SHE

  • FEELS BETRAYED.

  • >> I BOUGHT INTO A LIE, AND THE LIE IS THE LIE, AND IT'S

  • EMBARRASSING.

  • >> STEPHEN: OH, I BET IT IS.

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HELPS WITH EMBARRASSMENT?

  • GETTING AWAY FROM PEOPLE SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE MEAN

  • THINGS THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT YOU.

  • TAKE A LITTLE TIME TO CENTER YOURSELF.

  • LIKE FIVE TO SEVEN YEARS.

  • FOUR WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR.

  • SOME RIOTERS ARE BEING A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHO LIED T

  • THEM LIKE THE SO-CALLED ZIP TIE GUY, LATER REFIELD TO BE

  • UNEMPLOYED TENNESSEE BARTENDER AND MAN SCREAMING "TINY PENIS!",

  • ERIC MUNCHEL.

  • IN A LEGAL MOTION FILED EARLIER THIS MONTH, THE "MUNCH" INSISTED

  • HIS ACTIONS WERE A DIRECT RESPONSE TO MONTHS OF COMMENTS

  • MADE BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT.

  • YES, BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE TIME-HONORED DEFENSE FOR A

  • FASCIST THEN "I WAS JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS."

  • BUT MUNCHEL'S LEGAL FILING DIDN'T STOP WITH THE FORMER

  • PRESIDENT.

  • IN IT, THE RIOTER ALSO BLAMES HIS MOM, CLAIMING, "INSIDE THE

  • CAPITOL, MR. MUNCHEL ATTEMPTED TO LIMIT HIS MOTHER'S MOVEMENTS,

  • AND TO KEEP TABS ON HER."

  • HE DIDN'T WANT TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT, BUT YOU KNOW HOW YOU

  • WORRY WITH AN OLDER PARENT.

  • WE'VE ALL SEEN THE COMMERCIAL: >> I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T HANG

  • MIKE PENCE!

  • >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • IT'S ALREADY A PRETTY GOOD SHOW!

  • I'LL BE TALKING TO OSCAR AND EMMY-WINNING ACTOR REGINA KING.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

  • JOIN US.

  • ♪♪♪

>> Stephen: HELLO.

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