WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I'M VERY EXCITED.

ARSENIO HALL.

EXACTLY.

I WOULD HAVE BUT I HAD THE COFFEE IN MY HAND.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SPILL ANYTHING.

AND OUR DEAR FRIEND TIM MEADOWS, TOO.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

WELL, FOLKS, IF YOU CHECK THE PAPER, YOU KNOW PEOPLE DON'T

READ PAPERS ANYMORE.

IT'S MOSTLY THE WEB, BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THE WEB, YOU'LL SEE THE

PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE ON.

WE'VE NOW BEEN IN LOCKDOWN FOR OVER 11 MONTHS, AND IF YOU'RE

BEGINNING TO GET THE CRAZY FEELING THAT ISOLATION HAS

STARTED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

YOU ARE CRAZY.

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO CNN, PANDEMIC PARANOIA IS A REAL

THING.

OR IS IT?

WHO PAID YOU TO SAY THAT, CNN?

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW I'M PARANOID?

ARE YOU WATCHING ME?

THERE'S A CAMERA RIGHT THERE!

AND THERE!

WHO PUT THIS MIC ON ME?

ME?

I MUST BE IN ON IT!

SCENE.

( LAUGHTER ) EVIDENTLY, THE PARANOIA IS BEING

BROUGHT ON BY THE PANDEMIC, REQUIRED SOCIAL ISOLATION, AND

AN UNCERTAIN ECONOMIC ENVIRONMENT, WHERE PEOPLE WORRY

ABOUT WHETHER THEY MIGHT BE ON THE VERGE OF LOSING THEIR

LIVELIHOOD.

THAT'S NOT PARANOIA.

THAT'S JUST NORMAL HUMAN FEAR.

IF YOU CRY AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN THE CLOWN COMES OUT, THAT'S

A PHOBIA.

IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE KIDS IN "IT," IT'S REASONABLE TO

AVOID THE SEWER.

OF COURSE, DISINFORMATION FEEDS INTO PARANOIA, AND THAT'S WHAT

LED THE CAPITOL INSURRECTION.

YESTERDAY, THE SENATE HELD HEARINGS INTO WHAT CAUSED IT,

BUT HERE'S THE THING: TWO OF THE QUESTIONERS UP ON THE DAIS

THERE, WERE SENATORS WHO SUPPORTED CHALLENGING THE

CERTIFICATION OF ELECTORAL VOTES ON JANUARY 6 THAT LED TO THE

RIOT: JOSH HAWLEY AND TED CRUZ.

THAT'S LIKE HAVING A CANNIBALISM TRIAL PRESIDED OVER BY JUDGE

HANNIBAL LECTER: "WOULD THE PROSECUTION PLEASE

SLATHER THEMSELVES IN HONEY MUSTARD AND APPROACH THE BENCH."

THE SESSION WAS MOSTLY ASS-COVERING, BUT WE DID LEARN

ONE INTERESTING FACT: AN F.B.I.

ALERT ABOUT A POSSIBLE "WAR" AGAINST CONGRESS REACHED THE

D.C. AND CAPITOL POLICE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE ATTACK.

SO IT LOOKS PRETTY DAMNING THAT THE POLICE WERE WARNED AND DID

NOTHING.

BUT NOT THAT SIMPLE, ACCORDING TO ACTING D.C. POLICE CHIEF AND

COP WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HIS■ç PARTNER WALKED AWAY 10 MINUTES

AGO, ROBERT CONTEE.

CHIEF CONTEE TOLD CONGRESS THAT THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD

REASON HIS DEPARTMENT IGNORED THE F.B.I.'S WARNING:

>> WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A REPORT THAT CAME FROM THE OFFICE ON THE

DAY BEFORE, THAT NIGHT, AFTER 7:00 P.M. THAT WAS SENT TO EMAIL

BOXES.

I WOULD CERTAINLY THINK SOMETHING AS VIOLENT AS AN

INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL WOULD WARRANT, YOU KNOW, A PHONE

CALL, OR SOMETHING, >> Stephen: HE'S GOT A POINT.

THERE'S A REASON WHY NO ONE SAYS, "I THINK I'M HAVING A

HEART ATTACK!

QUICK, EMAIL AN AMBULANCE!" NOW, ONE GUY WHO ACTUALLY HAS A

REALLY GOOD REASON TO BE PARANOID IS THE FORMER

PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL ATTORNEY RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE

SUDDENLY REALIZING HE GAVE THE PROSTITUTE HIS REAL NAME.

RUDY IS FACING A $1.3 BILLION LAWSUIT FROM DOMINION VOTING

SYSTEMS FOR SPREADING THE LIE THAT THEY STOLE THE 2020

ELECTION.

AND WHILE PUBLICLY HE'S BEEN TALKING TOUGH, PRIVATELY, HE'S

RUNNING LIKE A FRIGHTENED TODDLER, BECAUSE PART OF A CIVIL

LAWSUIT IS BEING GIVEN A SUBPOENA BY A PROCESS SERVER,

AND TURNS OUT, GIULIANI SPENT A WEEK DOING EVERYTHING HE COULD

TO AVOID BEING SERVED THE LAWSUIT.

LOOK, I GET IT.

IF A GUY WALKED UP TO ME AND SAID "ARE YOU RUDY GIULIANI?" I

WOULDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT, EITHER.

RUDY'S SERVICE-DODGING TACTICS WERE PRETTY CREATIVE.

HE REPORTEDLY IGNORED REQUESTS TO SIMPLY ACCEPT IT VIA EMAIL,

AND HAD HIS DOORMAN LOCK THE DOOR TO THE BUILDING WHENEVER

THE FORMER MAYOR ENTERED THE LOBBY-- WHICH IS THE FIRST TIME

ANYONE HAS LOCKED A DOOR TO KEEP RUDY IN.

ALTHOUGH, MAYBE NOT THE LAST?

BUT THINGS REALLY CAME TO A HEAD ON FEBRUARY 7, WHEN A PAIR OF

PROCESS SERVERS AND GIULIANI GOT INTO AN AWKWARD STANDOFF DURING

A NASTY WINTER STORM.

HOW NASTY WAS THIS STANDOFF?

WELL, THE DETAILS ARE...

GIULIANI LEFT HIS BUILDING AND GOT IN A FORD EXPLORER S.U.V.

AND CLOSED THE S.U.V. DOOR AS A PROCESS SERVER LUNGED FORWARD

WITH A BAG FULL OF DOCUMENTS, WHICH MEANT THE LAWSUIT WAS

LODGED BETWEEN THE S.U.V.

DOOR, AT WHICH POINT, THE DOORMAN GOT INVOLVED, JABBING

HIS UMBRELLA INTO THE S.U.V.

DOOR, AND THE DRIVER AND DOORMAN THEN PULLED THE BAG OF LEGAL

DOCUMENTS OUT, ALLOWING GIULIANI TO CLOSE THE S.U.V. DOOR AND

DRIVE AWAY.

WHAT A DRAMATIC ESCAPE!

YOU CAN WATCH IT ALL PLAY OUT IN DICK WOLF'S NEW SHOW,

"LAW & ORDER: S.U.V."

DUM-DUM!

LAUGH I HAD NOT HEARD THAT BEFORE.

THAT CERTAINLY SOUNDS STUPID.

BRAVO.

WHEN IT COMES TO REDUCING THE COUNTRY'S PARANOIA, YOU KNOW

WHO'S NOT HELPING?

NASA.

BECAUSE WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THEIR MARS ROVER'S GIANT

PARACHUTE CARRIED A SECRET MESSAGE.

NO SURPRISE-- AMERICAN SPACE EXPLORERS LOVES HIDDEN MESSAGES.

WE ALL REMEMBER NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMOUS FIRST WORDS ON THE MOON:

>> THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN.

I AM THE EGG MAN.

I AM THE WALRUS.

KOO KOO KA-JOOB.

PAUL IS DEAD.

>> Stephen: SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE ACTUAL SECRET MESSAGE

INSIDE THE ROVER'S PARACHUTE.

AH, YES, A CODE...

THAT I TOTALLY GET.

SURE.

BUT JUST IN CASE ANY DUMMIES AT HOME DIDN'T GET THAT AS QUICKLY

AS I DEFINITELY DID, THEY ALSO PROVIDED THIS KEY THAT REVEALS

THE PHRASE "DARE MIGHTY THINGS."

LOOK, NASA, CONGRATS ON THE LANDING.

WE'RE ALL REALLY IMPRESSED.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

AND THE PARACHUTE, KIND OF A COOL GAME BUT YOU'RE NOT

HELPING.

WE'RE ALREADY CHOCK-FULL OF GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY THEORISTS

DOWN HERE ON EARTH.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST MAKE IT SAY, "THIS IS WHERE WE HID THE

VOTES!" AND THEY'RE NOT DONE!

NASA OFFICIALS SAY WE CAN EXPECT TO SEE MORE HIDDEN MESSAGES.

WOW-- WOW-- WOW!

THAT SEEMS PRETTY SUSPICIOUS.

QANON FOLKS ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO INVESTIGATE, SO WE

SHOULD PROBABLY HELP LOAD THEM ONTO ROCKETS AND SHOOT THEM

INTO SPACE.

WHERE THEY GO ONE, THEY GO ALL.

NOW, THE PANDEMIC MAY BE ENDING SOONER THAN WE FEARED, BECAUSE

WE GOT ANOTHER INJECTION OF POSITIVE VACCINE NEWS TODAY:

THE F.D.A. CONFIRMED THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE

PREVENTED ALL DEATHS AND HOSPITALIZATIONS IN TRIALS.

THAT'S AMAZING!

SOON WE'LL HAVE AS MUCH CHOICE IN VACCINE BRANDS AS WE DO

FLAVORS OF MOUNTAIN DEW.

"YOU GOT THE PFIZER?

I GOT THE MALIBU HONEY MELLON BAJA BOOSTER."

( LAUGHTER ) THE F.D.A. COULD APPROVE THE NEW

VACCINE AS SOON AS SATURDAY.

AND UNLIKE THE ONES CURRENTLY OUT THERE, JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S

IS SINGLE SHOT.

ALTHOUGH, THE COMPANY ITSELF STILL REQUIRES A DOUBLE JOHNSON.

DO NOT GOOGLE THE PHRASE "DOUBLE JOHNSON."

THE J&J SHOT IS A BIT LESS EFFECTIVE THAN PFIZER AND

MODERNA, BUT IT COULD MAKE THE PATH TO HERD IMMUNITY MUCH

SIMPLER BECAUSE, UNLIKE THE VACCINES THAT HAVE TO BE STORED

AT AROUND NEGATIVE-80 DEGREES, THE NEW ONE CAN BE STORED AT

NORMAL REFRIGERATION TEMPERATURES FOR AT LEAST THREE

MONTHS.

THAT'S SHELF LIFE!

IT'S THE PICKLES OF THE VACCINE WORLD.

PLUS, A LITTLE OF VACCINE ON YOUR TUNA SALAD?

TWO CHEF KISSES IN ONE MONOLOGUE!

THERE'S EXCITING NEWS IN THE WORLD OF MAIL DELIVERY.

YEAH, BRACE YOURSELF!

THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE JUST UNVEILED THEIR NEW FLEET OF

DELIVERY TRUCKS, AND THE FUTURE IS ADORABLE!

THAT THING IS JUST A COUPLE EYEBALLS AWAY FROM A PIXAR

MOVIE.

YOU REALLY GET THE FEELING THAT ENGINE IS GOING TO BE GOING

"PUCKET-A, PUCKET-A, PUCKET-A."

BUT THIS TRUCK ISN'T ALL LOOKS.

THIS BABY COMES WITH A TON OF COOL FEATURES. LIKE AUTOMATIC

FRONT AND REAR BRAKING, TELEMATICS COMPATIBILITY, AND

EVEN A 360-DEGREE CAMERA.

THAT WAY, OWNERS OF THE OCULUS V.R. HEADSET CAN JACK IN AND

FULLY IMMERSE THEMSELVES IN THE ADRENALINE-PUMPING RUSH OF

DELIVERING A VALPAK.

BUT OF COURSE THERE'S A CONTROVERSY.

MANY OF THE NEW TRUCKS WILL BE ELECTRIC, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM.

AND "THE PRECISE MIX HAS ALREADY ELICITED CRITICISM FROM

ENVIRONMENTALISTS."

I UNDERSTAND THEIR CONCERN.

YOU WANT THE GREENEST VEHICLE POSSIBLE WHEN YOU'RE DELIVERING

THOUSANDS OF POUNDS OF AMAZON RAIN FOREST THAT ARE NOW AMAZON

BOXES.

NOW, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MORE REASONS TO FEEL PARANOID,

REMEMBER, SOMEONE MIGHT BE TRYING TO KIDNAP YOU.

AND IT'S YOU.

BECAUSE A MAN IN ARIZONA JUST FAKED HIS OWN KIDNAPPING TO GET

OUT OF WORK.

DID IT WORK?

WE'RE STILL ON THE AIR.

SORRY.

HERE'S THE SELF-HOSTAGE-TAKER: BRANDON SOULES, IN HIS

COMBINATION MUGSHOT/MISSING PERSON PHOTO.

BRANDON, I SALUTE YOU, SIR.

SURE, YOU COULD HAVE JUST CALLED IN SICK, BUT YOU FAKED YOUR OWN

ABDUCTION.

THAT'S A LEVEL OF INGENUITY AND RESOURCEFULNESS THAT I'M

GUESSING YOU DON'T PUT IN AT WORK.

AND THIS WAS NO SIMPLE RUSE.

POLICE FOUND SOULES ABOUT 55 MILES OUTSIDE OF PHOENIX, WITH

HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK BY A BELT, A PURPLE BANDANNA

STUFFED IN HIS MOUTH, AND HE WAS GOING IN AND OUT OF

CONSCIOUSNESS.

AGAIN, YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD YOUR BOSS YOU HAD A FEVER.

HOW DOES THIS GUY GET OFF THE PHONE WITH TELEMARKETERS?

"WELL, I'D LOVE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT REFINANCING, BUT--

OH, MY GOD!

THE SCORPIONS!

THE SCORPIONS!

THEY'RE DRAGGING AWAY MY DOG!

TAKE ME INSTEAD!

TAKE ME TO YOUR QUEEEEEN!" CAN WE-- DO WE HAVE A MINUTE?

CAN WE PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP, JIMMY?

CAN WE PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP.

I WANT TO POINT OUT THE POLICE TOOK THIS PHOTO BEFORE THEY

HELPED HIM.

THE POLICE WENT, "HOLD ON.

GET MY CAMERA PHONE.

I'M GOING TO WANT TO REMEMBER THIS."

( LAUGHTER ) HOW DO YOU TIE YOUR OWN HANDS

BEHIND YOUR BACK WITH A BELT?

THAT'S-- THE GUY SHOULD BE IN VEGAS!

SOULES'S CLEVER RUSE STARTED TO COME UNDONE WHEN HE TOLD THE

POLICE THAT HE HAD BEEN KIDNAPPED BECAUSE HIS FATHER

HAD A LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY HIDDEN THROUGHOUT THE DESERT.

JUST A SLIGHT EXAGGERATION.

HIS FATHER DIDN'T HAVE A LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY HIDDEN IN THE

DESERT, BUT HE DID HAVE AN EXCEPTIONAL AMOUNT OF

KNUCKLEHEAD SON.

AFTER THE POLICE INVESTIGATED, THEY ARRESTED HIM ON A CHARGE OF

FALSE REPORTING TO LAW ENFORCEMENT.

AUTHORITIES WERE SUSPICIOUS WHEN THEY RECEIVED THE RANSOM NOTE:

"I HAVE ME, AND IF YOU WANT ME, PAY ME.

MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO ME.

TO PROVE I MEAN BUSINESS, I'VE ENCLOSED MY BABY TOE.

P.S.: OUCH."

SO WHAT IS THIS HELLISH JOB THAT BRANDON WENT TO SUCH EXTREME

MEASURES TO AVOID?

WELL, APPARENTLY, HE WORKS AT A TIRE STORE-- WHICH EXPLAINS HIS

DESCRIPTION OF HIS KIDNAPPERS TO THE POLICE SKETCH ARTIST.

I JUST HAVE TO WONDER, HOW BAD IS IT AT THAT TIRE SHOP?

"SURE, I COULD GET A PRICE ON ALL-SEASON RADIALS, BUT TO BE

HONEST, I'D RATHER DRIVE OUT TO THE DESERT, STUFF A GAG IN MY