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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M VERY EXCITED.

  • ARSENIO HALL.

  • EXACTLY.

  • I WOULD HAVE BUT I HAD THE COFFEE IN MY HAND.

  • I DIDN'T WANT TO SPILL ANYTHING.

  • AND OUR DEAR FRIEND TIM MEADOWS, TOO.

  • HOLD ON A SECOND.

  • WELL, FOLKS, IF YOU CHECK THE PAPER, YOU KNOW PEOPLE DON'T

  • READ PAPERS ANYMORE.

  • IT'S MOSTLY THE WEB, BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THE WEB, YOU'LL SEE THE

  • PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE ON.

  • WE'VE NOW BEEN IN LOCKDOWN FOR OVER 11 MONTHS, AND IF YOU'RE

  • BEGINNING TO GET THE CRAZY FEELING THAT ISOLATION HAS

  • STARTED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

  • YOU ARE CRAZY.

  • BECAUSE ACCORDING TO CNN, PANDEMIC PARANOIA IS A REAL

  • THING.

  • OR IS IT?

  • WHO PAID YOU TO SAY THAT, CNN?

  • HOW WOULD YOU KNOW I'M PARANOID?

  • ARE YOU WATCHING ME?

  • THERE'S A CAMERA RIGHT THERE!

  • AND THERE!

  • WHO PUT THIS MIC ON ME?

  • ME?

  • I MUST BE IN ON IT!

  • SCENE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) EVIDENTLY, THE PARANOIA IS BEING

  • BROUGHT ON BY THE PANDEMIC, REQUIRED SOCIAL ISOLATION, AND

  • AN UNCERTAIN ECONOMIC ENVIRONMENT, WHERE PEOPLE WORRY

  • ABOUT WHETHER THEY MIGHT BE ON THE VERGE OF LOSING THEIR

  • LIVELIHOOD.

  • THAT'S NOT PARANOIA.

  • THAT'S JUST NORMAL HUMAN FEAR.

  • IF YOU CRY AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN THE CLOWN COMES OUT, THAT'S

  • A PHOBIA.

  • IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE KIDS IN "IT," IT'S REASONABLE TO

  • AVOID THE SEWER.

  • OF COURSE, DISINFORMATION FEEDS INTO PARANOIA, AND THAT'S WHAT

  • LED THE CAPITOL INSURRECTION.

  • YESTERDAY, THE SENATE HELD HEARINGS INTO WHAT CAUSED IT,

  • BUT HERE'S THE THING: TWO OF THE QUESTIONERS UP ON THE DAIS

  • THERE, WERE SENATORS WHO SUPPORTED CHALLENGING THE

  • CERTIFICATION OF ELECTORAL VOTES ON JANUARY 6 THAT LED TO THE

  • RIOT: JOSH HAWLEY AND TED CRUZ.

  • THAT'S LIKE HAVING A CANNIBALISM TRIAL PRESIDED OVER BY JUDGE

  • HANNIBAL LECTER: "WOULD THE PROSECUTION PLEASE

  • SLATHER THEMSELVES IN HONEY MUSTARD AND APPROACH THE BENCH."

  • THE SESSION WAS MOSTLY ASS-COVERING, BUT WE DID LEARN

  • ONE INTERESTING FACT: AN F.B.I.

  • ALERT ABOUT A POSSIBLE "WAR" AGAINST CONGRESS REACHED THE

  • D.C. AND CAPITOL POLICE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE ATTACK.

  • SO IT LOOKS PRETTY DAMNING THAT THE POLICE WERE WARNED AND DID

  • NOTHING.

  • BUT NOT THAT SIMPLE, ACCORDING TO ACTING D.C. POLICE CHIEF AND

  • COP WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HIS■ç PARTNER WALKED AWAY 10 MINUTES

  • AGO, ROBERT CONTEE.

  • CHIEF CONTEE TOLD CONGRESS THAT THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD

  • REASON HIS DEPARTMENT IGNORED THE F.B.I.'S WARNING:

  • >> WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A REPORT THAT CAME FROM THE OFFICE ON THE

  • DAY BEFORE, THAT NIGHT, AFTER 7:00 P.M. THAT WAS SENT TO EMAIL

  • BOXES.

  • I WOULD CERTAINLY THINK SOMETHING AS VIOLENT AS AN

  • INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL WOULD WARRANT, YOU KNOW, A PHONE

  • CALL, OR SOMETHING, >> Stephen: HE'S GOT A POINT.

  • THERE'S A REASON WHY NO ONE SAYS, "I THINK I'M HAVING A

  • HEART ATTACK!

  • QUICK, EMAIL AN AMBULANCE!" NOW, ONE GUY WHO ACTUALLY HAS A

  • REALLY GOOD REASON TO BE PARANOID IS THE FORMER

  • PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL ATTORNEY RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE

  • SUDDENLY REALIZING HE GAVE THE PROSTITUTE HIS REAL NAME.

  • RUDY IS FACING A $1.3 BILLION LAWSUIT FROM DOMINION VOTING

  • SYSTEMS FOR SPREADING THE LIE THAT THEY STOLE THE 2020

  • ELECTION.

  • AND WHILE PUBLICLY HE'S BEEN TALKING TOUGH, PRIVATELY, HE'S

  • RUNNING LIKE A FRIGHTENED TODDLER, BECAUSE PART OF A CIVIL

  • LAWSUIT IS BEING GIVEN A SUBPOENA BY A PROCESS SERVER,

  • AND TURNS OUT, GIULIANI SPENT A WEEK DOING EVERYTHING HE COULD

  • TO AVOID BEING SERVED THE LAWSUIT.

  • LOOK, I GET IT.

  • IF A GUY WALKED UP TO ME AND SAID "ARE YOU RUDY GIULIANI?" I

  • WOULDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT, EITHER.

  • RUDY'S SERVICE-DODGING TACTICS WERE PRETTY CREATIVE.

  • HE REPORTEDLY IGNORED REQUESTS TO SIMPLY ACCEPT IT VIA EMAIL,

  • AND HAD HIS DOORMAN LOCK THE DOOR TO THE BUILDING WHENEVER

  • THE FORMER MAYOR ENTERED THE LOBBY-- WHICH IS THE FIRST TIME

  • ANYONE HAS LOCKED A DOOR TO KEEP RUDY IN.

  • ALTHOUGH, MAYBE NOT THE LAST?

  • BUT THINGS REALLY CAME TO A HEAD ON FEBRUARY 7, WHEN A PAIR OF

  • PROCESS SERVERS AND GIULIANI GOT INTO AN AWKWARD STANDOFF DURING

  • A NASTY WINTER STORM.

  • HOW NASTY WAS THIS STANDOFF?

  • WELL, THE DETAILS ARE...

  • GIULIANI LEFT HIS BUILDING AND GOT IN A FORD EXPLORER S.U.V.

  • AND CLOSED THE S.U.V. DOOR AS A PROCESS SERVER LUNGED FORWARD

  • WITH A BAG FULL OF DOCUMENTS, WHICH MEANT THE LAWSUIT WAS

  • LODGED BETWEEN THE S.U.V.

  • DOOR, AT WHICH POINT, THE DOORMAN GOT INVOLVED, JABBING

  • HIS UMBRELLA INTO THE S.U.V.

  • DOOR, AND THE DRIVER AND DOORMAN THEN PULLED THE BAG OF LEGAL

  • DOCUMENTS OUT, ALLOWING GIULIANI TO CLOSE THE S.U.V. DOOR AND

  • DRIVE AWAY.

  • WHAT A DRAMATIC ESCAPE!

  • YOU CAN WATCH IT ALL PLAY OUT IN DICK WOLF'S NEW SHOW,

  • "LAW & ORDER: S.U.V."

  • DUM-DUM!

  • LAUGH I HAD NOT HEARD THAT BEFORE.

  • THAT CERTAINLY SOUNDS STUPID.

  • BRAVO.

  • WHEN IT COMES TO REDUCING THE COUNTRY'S PARANOIA, YOU KNOW

  • WHO'S NOT HELPING?

  • NASA.

  • BECAUSE WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THEIR MARS ROVER'S GIANT

  • PARACHUTE CARRIED A SECRET MESSAGE.

  • NO SURPRISE-- AMERICAN SPACE EXPLORERS LOVES HIDDEN MESSAGES.

  • WE ALL REMEMBER NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMOUS FIRST WORDS ON THE MOON:

  • >> THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN.

  • I AM THE EGG MAN.

  • I AM THE WALRUS.

  • KOO KOO KA-JOOB.

  • PAUL IS DEAD.

  • >> Stephen: SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE ACTUAL SECRET MESSAGE

  • INSIDE THE ROVER'S PARACHUTE.

  • AH, YES, A CODE...

  • THAT I TOTALLY GET.

  • SURE.

  • BUT JUST IN CASE ANY DUMMIES AT HOME DIDN'T GET THAT AS QUICKLY

  • AS I DEFINITELY DID, THEY ALSO PROVIDED THIS KEY THAT REVEALS

  • THE PHRASE "DARE MIGHTY THINGS."

  • LOOK, NASA, CONGRATS ON THE LANDING.

  • WE'RE ALL REALLY IMPRESSED.

  • IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

  • AND THE PARACHUTE, KIND OF A COOL GAME BUT YOU'RE NOT

  • HELPING.

  • WE'RE ALREADY CHOCK-FULL OF GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY THEORISTS

  • DOWN HERE ON EARTH.

  • MIGHT AS WELL JUST MAKE IT SAY, "THIS IS WHERE WE HID THE

  • VOTES!" AND THEY'RE NOT DONE!

  • NASA OFFICIALS SAY WE CAN EXPECT TO SEE MORE HIDDEN MESSAGES.

  • WOW-- WOW-- WOW!

  • THAT SEEMS PRETTY SUSPICIOUS.

  • QANON FOLKS ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO INVESTIGATE, SO WE

  • SHOULD PROBABLY HELP LOAD THEM ONTO ROCKETS AND SHOOT THEM

  • INTO SPACE.

  • WHERE THEY GO ONE, THEY GO ALL.

  • NOW, THE PANDEMIC MAY BE ENDING SOONER THAN WE FEARED, BECAUSE

  • WE GOT ANOTHER INJECTION OF POSITIVE VACCINE NEWS TODAY:

  • THE F.D.A. CONFIRMED THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE

  • PREVENTED ALL DEATHS AND HOSPITALIZATIONS IN TRIALS.

  • THAT'S AMAZING!

  • SOON WE'LL HAVE AS MUCH CHOICE IN VACCINE BRANDS AS WE DO

  • FLAVORS OF MOUNTAIN DEW.

  • "YOU GOT THE PFIZER?

  • I GOT THE MALIBU HONEY MELLON BAJA BOOSTER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE F.D.A. COULD APPROVE THE NEW

  • VACCINE AS SOON AS SATURDAY.

  • AND UNLIKE THE ONES CURRENTLY OUT THERE, JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S

  • IS SINGLE SHOT.

  • ALTHOUGH, THE COMPANY ITSELF STILL REQUIRES A DOUBLE JOHNSON.

  • DO NOT GOOGLE THE PHRASE "DOUBLE JOHNSON."

  • THE J&J SHOT IS A BIT LESS EFFECTIVE THAN PFIZER AND

  • MODERNA, BUT IT COULD MAKE THE PATH TO HERD IMMUNITY MUCH

  • SIMPLER BECAUSE, UNLIKE THE VACCINES THAT HAVE TO BE STORED

  • AT AROUND NEGATIVE-80 DEGREES, THE NEW ONE CAN BE STORED AT

  • NORMAL REFRIGERATION TEMPERATURES FOR AT LEAST THREE

  • MONTHS.

  • THAT'S SHELF LIFE!

  • IT'S THE PICKLES OF THE VACCINE WORLD.

  • PLUS, A LITTLE OF VACCINE ON YOUR TUNA SALAD?

  • TWO CHEF KISSES IN ONE MONOLOGUE!

  • THERE'S EXCITING NEWS IN THE WORLD OF MAIL DELIVERY.