Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I'M VERY EXCITED. ARSENIO HALL. EXACTLY. I WOULD HAVE BUT I HAD THE COFFEE IN MY HAND. I DIDN'T WANT TO SPILL ANYTHING. AND OUR DEAR FRIEND TIM MEADOWS, TOO. HOLD ON A SECOND. WELL, FOLKS, IF YOU CHECK THE PAPER, YOU KNOW PEOPLE DON'T READ PAPERS ANYMORE. IT'S MOSTLY THE WEB, BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THE WEB, YOU'LL SEE THE PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE ON. WE'VE NOW BEEN IN LOCKDOWN FOR OVER 11 MONTHS, AND IF YOU'RE BEGINNING TO GET THE CRAZY FEELING THAT ISOLATION HAS STARTED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE CRAZY. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO CNN, PANDEMIC PARANOIA IS A REAL THING. OR IS IT? WHO PAID YOU TO SAY THAT, CNN? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW I'M PARANOID? ARE YOU WATCHING ME? THERE'S A CAMERA RIGHT THERE! AND THERE! WHO PUT THIS MIC ON ME? ME? I MUST BE IN ON IT! SCENE. ( LAUGHTER ) EVIDENTLY, THE PARANOIA IS BEING BROUGHT ON BY THE PANDEMIC, REQUIRED SOCIAL ISOLATION, AND AN UNCERTAIN ECONOMIC ENVIRONMENT, WHERE PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT WHETHER THEY MIGHT BE ON THE VERGE OF LOSING THEIR LIVELIHOOD. THAT'S NOT PARANOIA. THAT'S JUST NORMAL HUMAN FEAR. IF YOU CRY AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN THE CLOWN COMES OUT, THAT'S A PHOBIA. IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE KIDS IN "IT," IT'S REASONABLE TO AVOID THE SEWER. OF COURSE, DISINFORMATION FEEDS INTO PARANOIA, AND THAT'S WHAT LED THE CAPITOL INSURRECTION. YESTERDAY, THE SENATE HELD HEARINGS INTO WHAT CAUSED IT, BUT HERE'S THE THING: TWO OF THE QUESTIONERS UP ON THE DAIS THERE, WERE SENATORS WHO SUPPORTED CHALLENGING THE CERTIFICATION OF ELECTORAL VOTES ON JANUARY 6 THAT LED TO THE RIOT: JOSH HAWLEY AND TED CRUZ. THAT'S LIKE HAVING A CANNIBALISM TRIAL PRESIDED OVER BY JUDGE HANNIBAL LECTER: "WOULD THE PROSECUTION PLEASE SLATHER THEMSELVES IN HONEY MUSTARD AND APPROACH THE BENCH." THE SESSION WAS MOSTLY ASS-COVERING, BUT WE DID LEARN ONE INTERESTING FACT: AN F.B.I. ALERT ABOUT A POSSIBLE "WAR" AGAINST CONGRESS REACHED THE D.C. AND CAPITOL POLICE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE ATTACK. SO IT LOOKS PRETTY DAMNING THAT THE POLICE WERE WARNED AND DID NOTHING. BUT NOT THAT SIMPLE, ACCORDING TO ACTING D.C. POLICE CHIEF AND COP WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HIS■ç PARTNER WALKED AWAY 10 MINUTES AGO, ROBERT CONTEE. CHIEF CONTEE TOLD CONGRESS THAT THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON HIS DEPARTMENT IGNORED THE F.B.I.'S WARNING: >> WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A REPORT THAT CAME FROM THE OFFICE ON THE DAY BEFORE, THAT NIGHT, AFTER 7:00 P.M. THAT WAS SENT TO EMAIL BOXES. I WOULD CERTAINLY THINK SOMETHING AS VIOLENT AS AN INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL WOULD WARRANT, YOU KNOW, A PHONE CALL, OR SOMETHING, >> Stephen: HE'S GOT A POINT. THERE'S A REASON WHY NO ONE SAYS, "I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK, EMAIL AN AMBULANCE!" NOW, ONE GUY WHO ACTUALLY HAS A REALLY GOOD REASON TO BE PARANOID IS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL ATTORNEY RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE SUDDENLY REALIZING HE GAVE THE PROSTITUTE HIS REAL NAME. RUDY IS FACING A $1.3 BILLION LAWSUIT FROM DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS FOR SPREADING THE LIE THAT THEY STOLE THE 2020 ELECTION. AND WHILE PUBLICLY HE'S BEEN TALKING TOUGH, PRIVATELY, HE'S RUNNING LIKE A FRIGHTENED TODDLER, BECAUSE PART OF A CIVIL LAWSUIT IS BEING GIVEN A SUBPOENA BY A PROCESS SERVER, AND TURNS OUT, GIULIANI SPENT A WEEK DOING EVERYTHING HE COULD TO AVOID BEING SERVED THE LAWSUIT. LOOK, I GET IT. IF A GUY WALKED UP TO ME AND SAID "ARE YOU RUDY GIULIANI?" I WOULDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT, EITHER. RUDY'S SERVICE-DODGING TACTICS WERE PRETTY CREATIVE. HE REPORTEDLY IGNORED REQUESTS TO SIMPLY ACCEPT IT VIA EMAIL, AND HAD HIS DOORMAN LOCK THE DOOR TO THE BUILDING WHENEVER THE FORMER MAYOR ENTERED THE LOBBY-- WHICH IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS LOCKED A DOOR TO KEEP RUDY IN. ALTHOUGH, MAYBE NOT THE LAST? BUT THINGS REALLY CAME TO A HEAD ON FEBRUARY 7, WHEN A PAIR OF PROCESS SERVERS AND GIULIANI GOT INTO AN AWKWARD STANDOFF DURING A NASTY WINTER STORM. HOW NASTY WAS THIS STANDOFF? WELL, THE DETAILS ARE... GIULIANI LEFT HIS BUILDING AND GOT IN A FORD EXPLORER S.U.V. AND CLOSED THE S.U.V. DOOR AS A PROCESS SERVER LUNGED FORWARD WITH A BAG FULL OF DOCUMENTS, WHICH MEANT THE LAWSUIT WAS LODGED BETWEEN THE S.U.V. DOOR, AT WHICH POINT, THE DOORMAN GOT INVOLVED, JABBING HIS UMBRELLA INTO THE S.U.V. DOOR, AND THE DRIVER AND DOORMAN THEN PULLED THE BAG OF LEGAL DOCUMENTS OUT, ALLOWING GIULIANI TO CLOSE THE S.U.V. DOOR AND DRIVE AWAY. WHAT A DRAMATIC ESCAPE! YOU CAN WATCH IT ALL PLAY OUT IN DICK WOLF'S NEW SHOW, "LAW & ORDER: S.U.V." DUM-DUM! LAUGH I HAD NOT HEARD THAT BEFORE. THAT CERTAINLY SOUNDS STUPID. BRAVO. WHEN IT COMES TO REDUCING THE COUNTRY'S PARANOIA, YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT HELPING? NASA. BECAUSE WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THEIR MARS ROVER'S GIANT PARACHUTE CARRIED A SECRET MESSAGE. NO SURPRISE-- AMERICAN SPACE EXPLORERS LOVES HIDDEN MESSAGES. WE ALL REMEMBER NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMOUS FIRST WORDS ON THE MOON: >> THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN. I AM THE EGG MAN. I AM THE WALRUS. KOO KOO KA-JOOB. PAUL IS DEAD. >> Stephen: SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE ACTUAL SECRET MESSAGE INSIDE THE ROVER'S PARACHUTE. AH, YES, A CODE... THAT I TOTALLY GET. SURE. BUT JUST IN CASE ANY DUMMIES AT HOME DIDN'T GET THAT AS QUICKLY AS I DEFINITELY DID, THEY ALSO PROVIDED THIS KEY THAT REVEALS THE PHRASE "DARE MIGHTY THINGS." LOOK, NASA, CONGRATS ON THE LANDING. WE'RE ALL REALLY IMPRESSED. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. AND THE PARACHUTE, KIND OF A COOL GAME BUT YOU'RE NOT HELPING. WE'RE ALREADY CHOCK-FULL OF GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY THEORISTS DOWN HERE ON EARTH. MIGHT AS WELL JUST MAKE IT SAY, "THIS IS WHERE WE HID THE VOTES!" AND THEY'RE NOT DONE! NASA OFFICIALS SAY WE CAN EXPECT TO SEE MORE HIDDEN MESSAGES. WOW-- WOW-- WOW! THAT SEEMS PRETTY SUSPICIOUS. QANON FOLKS ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO INVESTIGATE, SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY HELP LOAD THEM ONTO ROCKETS AND SHOOT THEM INTO SPACE. WHERE THEY GO ONE, THEY GO ALL. NOW, THE PANDEMIC MAY BE ENDING SOONER THAN WE FEARED, BECAUSE WE GOT ANOTHER INJECTION OF POSITIVE VACCINE NEWS TODAY: THE F.D.A. CONFIRMED THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE PREVENTED ALL DEATHS AND HOSPITALIZATIONS IN TRIALS. THAT'S AMAZING! SOON WE'LL HAVE AS MUCH CHOICE IN VACCINE BRANDS AS WE DO FLAVORS OF MOUNTAIN DEW. "YOU GOT THE PFIZER? I GOT THE MALIBU HONEY MELLON BAJA BOOSTER." ( LAUGHTER ) THE F.D.A. COULD APPROVE THE NEW VACCINE AS SOON AS SATURDAY. AND UNLIKE THE ONES CURRENTLY OUT THERE, JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S IS SINGLE SHOT. ALTHOUGH, THE COMPANY ITSELF STILL REQUIRES A DOUBLE JOHNSON. DO NOT GOOGLE THE PHRASE "DOUBLE JOHNSON." THE J&J SHOT IS A BIT LESS EFFECTIVE THAN PFIZER AND MODERNA, BUT IT COULD MAKE THE PATH TO HERD IMMUNITY MUCH SIMPLER BECAUSE, UNLIKE THE VACCINES THAT HAVE TO BE STORED AT AROUND NEGATIVE-80 DEGREES, THE NEW ONE CAN BE STORED AT NORMAL REFRIGERATION TEMPERATURES FOR AT LEAST THREE MONTHS. THAT'S SHELF LIFE! IT'S THE PICKLES OF THE VACCINE WORLD. PLUS, A LITTLE OF VACCINE ON YOUR TUNA SALAD? TWO CHEF KISSES IN ONE MONOLOGUE! THERE'S EXCITING NEWS IN THE WORLD OF MAIL DELIVERY.