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  • HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

  • THIS IS YOU BACK IN THE STUDIO, DAY TWO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING IT?

  • YOU ROCKING IT?

  • >> I FEEL GREAT.

  • TURNS OUT, I REALLY NEED ATTENTION.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: YES!

  • YES!

  • YES!

  • >> IT'S HARD FOR ME WHEN I ■DON' GET IT.

  • I'M WALKING AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD YELLING AT CROWS,

  • THE WHITE HOUSE?

  • MORE LIKE THE LOONY BIN!

  • >> James: NOTHING.

  • THEY'RE STILL BIRDS.

  • >> James: ZERO, YEAH.

  • I SEE, EARLIER TODAY, YOU HAVE THE TRUMP BUTTON DONE UP AND

  • YOU'VE POPPED IT.

  • IS THAT FOR THE SHOW?

  • BECAUSE YOU BANT THE AUDIENCE AT HOME TO THINK YOU'RE A REGULAR

  • GUY.

  • >> I WANT THEM TO KNOW I'M A GOOD TIME PARTY GUY.

  • INVITE ME TO BARBECUE, HAVE ME TO YOUR SWIMMING POOL, WHATEVER.

  • >> James: DO IT UP, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MAN.

  • LOOK.

  • >> Reggie: OH!

  • I LIKE IT.

  • >> James: AM I RIGHT.

  • >> Reggie: I ALWAYS GO FULL BUTTON UP.

  • IF IT HAS BUTTONS, GO ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.

  • >> James: WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN FULL BUTTON UP GUYS, EYE.

  • >> I PERCEIVE IT AS A BRITISH THING AND I KIND OF CHICKENED

  • OUT.

  • >> James: YEAH, BECAUSE YOU STARTED -- BECAUSE EARLIER

  • TODAY, YOU WERE FULLY UP, AND THE SHOW STARTED AND YOU WERE,

  • LIKE, I'VE GOT TO POP THIS OPEN OR PEOPLE IN PORTLAND ARE GOING

  • TO BE LIKE, LOOK AT ME, HE'S LOST ALL THIS WEIGHT, WHO DOES

  • HE THINK HE IS NOW.

  • >> LOOK HOW HIGH MY PANTS ARE.

  • >> Reggie: WHOA!

  • >> James: INCREDIBLE, INCREDIBLE.

  • >> YOANLTS WHO I AM ANYMORE.

  • >> James: IT'S TRUE.

  • YOU'RE A DIFFERENT GUY.

  • HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU LOST NOW?

  • >> I'VE LOST, LIKE, 120 POUNDS.

  • >> James: YES!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: UNBELIEVABLE!

  • SINCE MAY!

  • >> James: THAT'S INSANE, DUDE.

  • I HAVEN'T DONE STANDUP SINCE FEBRUARY.

  • I USED TO BE -- I'M STILL LIKE A FAT GUY BUT I USED TO BE A FAT

  • GUY ON STAGE.

  • MY ACT IS GONE.

  • I HAVE NO IDEA.

  • >> James: YOU'RE RIGHT.

  • WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LAUGH ABOUT OR TALK ABOUT?

  • >> I HAVE NO IDEA.

  • I'M GOING TO BE LIKE...

  • >> James: WHAT ABOUT THESE CHEEKBONES, HUH?

  • JUST SAYING BECAUSE THE CHEEKBONES.

  • >> ANYBODY ELSE HAVE TO PUT THEIR HAND IN A CANDLE EVERY

  • TIME THEY WATCH BAKEOFF?

  • >> Reggie: OH, NICE!

  • >> James: YEAH, THAT WORKS.

  • 120 POUNDS.

  • >> Reggie: DAMN, MAN.

  • >> James: THAT'S INCREDIBLE, DUDE.

  • YOU KNOW WHERE I AM.

  • >> Reggie: WHERE.

  • >> James: I THINK ON MY CALCULATIONS OF WEIGHT LOSS,

  • WHEN'S OUR NEXT LITTLE BREAK, IN A MONTH, RIGHT.

  • >> MARCH 26.

  • >> James: MY INTENTION IS TO DO A SHOW BEFORE MARCH

  • MARCH 26th NOT WEARING SPANKS.

  • >> Reggie: OH!

  • [ APPLAUSE ] >> James: THAT'S MY INTENTION.

  • >> Reggie: THAT'S HUGE.

  • I GET IT.

  • >> James: MY SKIN IS NOT GOING TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

  • MY FLESH IS GOING TO BE, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS FABRIC?

  • I'M FREE TO MOVE!

  • LET'S JUMP INTO THE HEADLINES.

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST SUMMIT WITH A HEAD OF STATE

  • TODAY, A VIRTUAL MEETING WITH CANADA'S PRIME MINISTER JUSTIN

  • TRUDEAU.

  • THE TWO LEADERS DISCUSSED THE MOST PRESSING ISSUES FACING

  • CANADA, LIKE COVID-19, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND HOW LONG DRAKE IS

  • GOING TO KEEP THAT HEART IN HIS HAIR.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU JUST KNOW THEY SPENT THE

  • ENTIRE TIME TRASH-TALKING TRUMP AND THEN WERE LIKE, "YEAH, UH

  • WE TALKED ABOUT COVID AND STUFF."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT BIDEN'S FIRST MEETING

  • WITH A HEAD OF STATE WAS VIRTUAL, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HE

  • SPENT THE DAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE DRESSED LIKE THIS:

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND DID YOU GUYS SEE

  • THIS?

  • YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES ARRESTED THE WIFE OF THE DRUG

  • KINGPIN EL CHAPO ON -- GET THIS DRUG CHARGES.

  • SHE'S BEEN USING THE MOST DANGEROUS DRUG OF ALL: TRUE

  • LOVE.

  • I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN DRUG KINGPINS ARE MARRIED.

  • LIKE, NO, THEY WON'T FOLLOW MOST LAWS, BUT THEY WILL FILE A

  • MARRIAGE LICENSE DOWN AT THE COURTHOUSE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THESE TWO.

  • THEY RAN A BUSINESS TOGETHER, SHE'S TRYING TO BREAK HIM OUT

  • OF PRISON.

  • IS THIS ME OR IS THIS JUST BIGTIME RELATIONSHIP GOALS?

  • JARED, WOULD YOU BUST YOUR WIFE OUT OF JAIL?

  • >> I WOULD WAIT A COUPLE OF DAYS.

  • CLEAR OUT SOME SNACKS IN THE FRIDGE AND MAKE MY WAY DOWN TO

  • THE JAIL.

  • >> James: YEAH, I THINK THAT'S RIGHT.

  • REG, WOULD YOU BUST A LOVED ONE OUT OF JAIL?

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • I MEAN THE EASIEST WAY IS TO BEFRIEND A TRANSDIMENSIONLE

  • BEING SO THEY CAN SURPASS ALL THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND MAKE

  • THEM APPEAR NEXT TO YOU.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PAUSE )

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: DOES EVERYBODY

  • REMEMBER HOW THE DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS IS SUING

  • RUDY GIULIANI FOR $1.3 BILLION?

  • WELL, AFTER PUBLICLY DECLARING HE WAS READY FOR THE LEGAL

  • FIGHT, IT TURNS OUT GIULIANI SPENT A WEEK DODGING PROCESS

  • SERVERS WHO WERE TRYING TO HAND HIM THE LAWSUIT.

  • THEY HAD TO CATCH GIULIANI AND SERVE HIM.

  • THIS SHOULD 100% BE TELEVISED.

  • THIS SHOULD BE A CHALLENGE ON "THE AMAZING RACE."

  • WHAT A FALL FROM GRACE GIULIANI HAS HAD.

  • HE WENT FROM BEING THE PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL LAWYER TO

  • LIVING OUT THE PLOT OF A BUGS BUNNY CARTOON.

  • YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD BE SERVING RUDY GIULIANI THESE PAPERS?

  • SASHA BARON COHEN.

  • WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD IF BORAT SERVED THE PAPERS?

  • JARED, GIVE US YOUR BORAT.

  • >> YOU COULD GET LIFE...

  • >> James: YOU COULD GET LIFE...

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: JARED'S NOT IN THE

  • STUDIO VERY MUCH.

  • HE'S JUST IN TODAY.

  • WE'RE PLAYING A GAME LATER IN THE SHOW.

  • I LOVE THIS RELAXED -- >> Reggie: VERY RELAXED.

  • >> James: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.

  • YOU'RE LIKE -- YOU LOOK LIKE A KIND OF J. CREW MODEL.

  • >> Reggie: VERY CONFIDENT.

  • THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE LEFT MY HOUSE IN SIX MONTHS.

  • SO I'M JUST GOING TO KIND OF LEAN IN.

  • >> James: CAN I GET YOU A DRINK.

  • >> I THINK I'M ALL RIGHT.

  • >> James: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS.

  • >> HE LOOKS LIKE THE COOL ENGLISH TEACHER ON THE FIRST

  • NICE DAY OF THE YEAR WHO SAYS, LET'S HAVE GLASS OUTSIDE TODAY.

  • >> THAT'S EXACTLY WHO HE IS!

  • >> James: ASK PEOPLE TO CALL HIM JARED, NOT MR. MASKOWITZ.

  • IF JARED WAS MY CHIRPS TEACHER, I WOULD BE REALLY WORRIED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, THAT'S NOD GOOD FOR

  • ANYONE.

  • >> James: DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS?

  • THIS IS INTERESTING.

  • ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, AMERICANS BELIEVE THEIR MID-30'S

  • ARE THE BEST YEARS OF THEIR LIFE, WITH THE PERFECT AGE

  • BEING 36.

  • I MEAN, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF I AGREE WITH THEM WHEN I TURN 36

  • I GUESS.

  • MEANWHILE, HERE IN LOS ANGELES 36 IS THE PERFECT AGE TO PLAY

  • TIMOTHEE CHALAMET'S GRANDMOTHER.

  • WHAT AGE WAS YOUR BEST AGE, REG?

  • >> Reggie: GOSH, THAT'S TOUGH.

  • I WOULD PROBABLY SAY, LIKE, 30 -- YEAH, LIKE 35, 36, YEAH.

  • YEAH.

  • IT WAS GOOD.

  • >> James: YOU?

  • I THINK NOW.

  • >> James: NOW, 28.

  • [ APPLAUSE ] HOW OLD ARE YOU, GUILLERMO?

  • >> 44.

  • >> James: RIGHT.

  • AND YOU'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW IS THE BEST AGE.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> James: YEAH, I THINK I'M INTO IT.

  • >> TOTALLY.

  • >> James: I'M INTO BEING 39.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU HADN'T LAUGHED, THERE'S

  • NO REASON WHY THEY WOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A FUNNY STORY FROM RIGHT

  • HERE IN CALIFORNIA.

  • A WOMAN RECEIVED HER NEW DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE MAIL,

  • BUT THIS WAS THE PHOTOGRAPH THAT THE D.M.V. INCLUDED WITH HER

  • I.D.: THEY ACCIDENTALLY USED A PHOTO

  • THEY TOOK OF HER BEFORE SHE REMOVED HER MASK.

  • THE WAY I SEE IT, I DON'T THINK THIS IS A BAD THING.

  • WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE WEARING MASKS IN 2022.

  • WE NEED TO START IDENTIFYING EACH OTHER BY OUR EYEBROWS.

  • CAN WE SEE THE PHOTOAGAIN?

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • LAUREN, IS THAT YOU?

  • >> MY EYES ARE MUCH SADDER.

  • >> James: WHAT?

  • MUCH SADDER.

  • >> James: YOU'VE GOT SADDER EYES?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW, I THINK YOURS LOOK

  • ALIVE BY COMPARISON.

  • LOOK!

  • >> COMPARED TO A STILL PHOTO?

  • >> James: COMPARED TO A STILL PHOTO--

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT

  • THIS -- A GERMAN ROCK BAND HAS COME UP

  • WITH A SOLUTION TO MAKE THEIR CONCERTS COVID-SAFE. THEY'VE

  • CONVERTED A VAN INTO A CLUB WHERE THEY PLAY GIGS FOR ONE FAN

  • AT A TIME.

  • HAVE A LOOK.

  • ( SINGING ) ♪♪♪

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: WE'RE CALLING IT A

  • CONCERT.

  • THAT'S AN ABDUCTION.

  • WE'VE JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET KIDNAPPED.

  • OBVIOUSLY IT'S DIFFERENT FROM THE BAND'S USUAL GIGS.

  • NORMALLY THEY AND THEIR ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER ARE INSIDE A

  • ROCK CLUB.

  • BUT THIS IS PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO EXPERIENCE ALL THE

  • WORST THINGS ABOUT GOING TO A CLUB WHILE ALSO GETTING COVID.

  • GUILLERMO, I FEEL LIKE WHEN THAT FAN SIGNED UP, SHE 100% THOUGHT

  • THAT VAN WOULD BE BIGGER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, THERE'S A NEW

  • ADDITION TO THE FAST FOOD CHICKEN SANDWICH WARS.

  • TACO BELL JUST ANNOUNCED IT WILL BE COMING OUT WITH A CRISPY

  • CHICKEN SANDWICH TACO.

  • HERE IT IS HERE: IT'S MARINATED IN JALAPEÑO

  • BUTTERMILK, FRIED WITH A CRISPY TORTILLA COATING, AND SERVED

  • WITH CREAMY CHIPOTLE SAUCE.

  • NOT FOR ME.

  • I ONLY STICK TO THE HEALTHY STUFF ON THE TACO BELL MENU.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE HOW TACO BELL IS PATTING

  • ITSELF ON THE BACK FOR INVENTING A SANDWICH THAT EVERY DRUNK

  • COLLEGE KID HAS MADE AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

  • YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

  • I GOT A CHICKEN FINGER AND A PITA BREAD.

  • YEAH, THAT WILL DO IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ARE WE DONE WITH CHICKEN NOW?

  • >> Reggie: I HOPE SO.

  • >> James: I FEEL LIKE EVERY WEEK WE HAVE A NEW FRIED

  • CHICKEN.

  • CAN WE PUT A PIN INTO IT, ROB.

  • >> DOUBLE DOWN.

  • THERE'S NO NEED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.

  • >> James: THAT WAS PEAK CHICKEN.

  • IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM NOW.

  • DON'T YOU THINK?

  • >> I WANT -- I WANT TO EAT THAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: CHEAP DATE.

  • I'M NOT DOING TO SAY I'M NOT GOING TO TRY IT.

  • >> James: ON A CHEAT DAY.

  • ON A CHEAT DAY.

  • OVER A GARBAGE CAN, ALONE.

  • >> James: IN A CAR WASH.

  • YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WILL FIND ME EATING THAT, IN A CAR WASH

  • CRYING.

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • THEY'LL SEND THEM TO US FOR FREE AND WE WILL BE ALL PIOUS

  • WALKING BY THEM IN THE KITCHEN GOING, NO, THAT'S THE OLD ME.

  • >> James: AND WE'LL MEET IN THE RESTROOMS AND EAT THEM LIKE

  • WE'RE DOING HEROIN.

  • WHERE ARE YOU WITH THE FILET OF FISHES.

  • >> THE COUPON'S EXPIRED.