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  • -Thank you very much, everyone.

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you for being here.

  • Well, guys, I hope everyone had a good weekend.

  • I needed a break, so yesterday I flew to Cancun and back.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, everyone is still talking about this.

  • Following the backlash over his trip to Cancun,

  • Senator Ted Cruz spent the weekend trying his best

  • to help the people of Texas.

  • -Senator Ted Cruz doing damage control

  • after his controversial trip to Cancun last week.

  • -Cruz sharing these images over the weekend,

  • loading water into Texans' cars,

  • many online critical of the post.

  • -Yeah, people were upset when they realized

  • Cruz was loading water into his car.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm gonna use this to refill my waterbed."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, it seemed like an okay gesture until everyone

  • noticed the label on the bottles said Ritz Carlton Cancun.

  • [ Laughter ] A little souvenir.

  • Actually, Cruz wanted to do more,

  • but he had a parasailing lesson at 3:00, so he --

  • People were also upset that Cruz tweeted those pictures himself.

  • Even white people who only posted black squares

  • on Instagram were like, "You gotta do more than that."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Ted Cruz is like the friend who offers to help you move,

  • but every time you see him,

  • he's just carrying the same box of pillows.

  • It's like, "I have to take this call. Can you get the table?

  • Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just get the heavy things."

  • Yep, the photo-op didn't work out too well.

  • Most people just drove away

  • when he tried showing them his vacation photos.

  • He's like, "You ever think you can get

  • behind the bar at a Senior Frog's?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But Cruz tried to be helpful in other ways.

  • Later, he showed Texans how to make frozen margs

  • with the snow in their living rooms.

  • [ Audience oohs ]

  • Seriously, you know Cruz is having a rough 2021

  • when fueling a riot at the Capitol is

  • nowhere near his biggest problem.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Things are so bad for Cruz, he spent today thinking about

  • the good ol' days when people just thought

  • he was the Zodiac Killer.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Also, we're in a pandemic.

  • Shaking hands, handing out water, serving food.

  • Right now, a Carnival cruise is safer than a Ted Cruz.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, Cruz is trying to redeem himself

  • after his Mexico trip, but I don't think it's working.

  • Check out what fellow Texans sent to his house yesterday.

  • This is real.

  • ♪♪

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • That's real.

  • In honor of Cruz, they played that mariachi classic,

  • "El Baggo de Douche."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Cruz was like, "Play as loud as you want.

  • I'm in Tijuana."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some entertainment news -- I saw that Disney+ has added

  • a warning to a show that you might not expect.

  • Watch this.

  • -The return of the iconic "Muppet Show,"

  • now coming with a serious new warning --

  • a content disclaimer at the beginning of 18 episodes,

  • warning viewers of the program's "negative depictions

  • and/or mistreatment of people or cultures."

  • -Yeah, and just to be safe,

  • Gonzo's nose will also be blurred.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I think they made the right move.

  • In one episode, Fozzie does a stand-up routine

  • that begins with, "hickory, dickory, dock."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some big music news.

  • After 28 years together, Daft Punk is splitting up.

  • I'm gonna be honest, they picked a pretty weird time

  • to stop wearing their masks.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • One of the guy's friends was like, "Don't worry.

  • You'll find another mute, helmet-wearing synth-pop artist

  • who pretends he's a robot that you can start a band with."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, get this.

  • I saw that a 18-karat-gold PlayStation 5 is on sale

  • for half a million dollars.

  • Here's a photo. Look at this.

  • Wow. Yeah.

  • Apparently, one of these shows up in the new movie

  • "Scarface: The Tween Years."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, while most of the country waits to get vaccinated,

  • two women in Florida were caught trying to cut the line

  • in a pretty strange way.

  • Watch this.

  • -The Florida Department of Health says

  • two women dressed up as "grannies"

  • to try and get a second coronavirus vaccine this week.

  • The sheriff's office says the women were 44 and 34 years old,

  • apparently wearing bonnets, gloves, and glasses

  • when they went to the Orange County Convention Center.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -The nurse was like, "Names?"

  • And they were like, "Uh, Grace and Frankie?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Officials got suspicious when the women didn't call six times

  • to confirm the appointment.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah.

  • -Yeah, the women gave themselves away

  • when they seemed unfamiliar with CBS's prime-time lineup.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In Florida, the only way to prove that you're a senior

  • is if you have a lower back tattoo of Andy Williams.

  • Wait, that's not true. Are you sure?

  • And finally, this is strange.

  • I saw that federal agents in Ohio just made

  • a pretty, pretty surprising discovery. Check this out.

  • -Customs agents in Cincinnati found something stronger

  • than sugar on a shipment of Corn Flakes.

  • The cereal was topped with 44 pounds of cocaine

  • worth nearly $3 million.

  • -It's serious.

  • The suspects are expected to receive a sentence of 20 years

  • to cinnamon life in prison.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I think the whole incident explains why

  • the Corn Flakes mascot went from a rooster to this.

  • [ Rooster crowing ]

  • [ Laughter ]

-Thank you very much, everyone.

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Ted Cruz Faces Backlash in Texas After Fleeing to Cancun | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/23
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