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  • You're a baseball fan, I know you're a big sports fan.

  • Big sports fan in general.

  • Okay, well listen. Now we have this issue of

  • whose gonna get into the Hall of Fame, and

  • they're not people like...

  • Letting people Bonds and Clemens in, because,

  • obviously of steroid use in the past.

  • What's your take on that?

  • Uh... I don't know.

  • Does it upset... does it make you crazy?

  • No, I don't mind that people use 'roids.

  • I think they should use 'roids, because

  • they're using themselves as guinea pigs,

  • and it'll all trickle down to us one day.

  • And after they messed up, you know,

  • they're heads get all big, and they,

  • they take that part out.

  • I think by the time-

  • You mean if enough athletes...

  • You're saying, use steroids-

  • Destroy themselves with steroids,

  • they'll figure out how...

  • They already... they do it with singers.

  • If a singer can't sing, she gets to use a steroid.

  • Yeah.

  • Right?

  • So they're... you say it's going to improve...

  • It's gonna improve the drug so that we get to use them?

  • I'm saying, by the time we're 80,

  • they're gonna have like a steroid vaporizer.

  • That you can just inhale, and you're gonna have abs.

  • I'll get a full head of hair.

  • And you're gonna be banging some hot 65-year-old.

  • And it's all gonna be because of these athletes

  • and the sacrifices that they made. That no one appreciates.

  • Baseball, I don't know,

  • it's not quite the way it used to be.

  • I don't like that whole thing,

  • like when you go to a game, if you catch a foul ball

  • you gotta like, give it to a kid now.

  • What are you talking about?

  • That's why kids are all mushy and fat.

  • They don't have to... they don't gotta work for anything!

  • First of all I don't like, when I was a kid,

  • I had to fight adults to try and get one,

  • and I never got one, and they blocked me out,

  • and that was totally acceptable in the 70's and 80's.

  • [Conan] Yes, it's true.

  • So now I gotta sit there, take a line shot to my hand,

  • have that swollen up, and then I...

  • Oh, give it to a kid. No!

  • Declining ratings. Do you think the NFL has a problem?

  • They're starting to say they're losing viewership.

  • No. People who care about football are still watching it.

  • They just, they got too big. They just went all poppy.

  • They had everybody dressing in pink, right?

  • There's always jets flying over, "support the troops".

  • Katy Perry's doing a dance, right?

  • They just, they just took it way too far.

  • What I love about sports is it's a great way to

  • tap out from the news, and just you know,

  • watch a game and get away from it.

  • Now there's like all these causes are getting like

  • attached to it. Like, I was watching the World Series,

  • and I'm in the middle of watching the World Series,

  • and out of nowhere, they have this moment:

  • "stand up to cancer".

  • I'm watching a ball game, and all of a sudden

  • everybody stands up, holding up a sign

  • of somebody that they either know that's dying of cancer

  • or died of it, in the middle of the game.

  • It's just like, what are you doing?

  • Trying to watch a game here! You don't...

  • No, there's a time and a place!

  • Look, I know somebody...

  • I know somebody that has died of cancer.

  • I would never go to the movies with you,

  • and in the middle of it, hit pause and be like

  • "Oh, by the way Conan, I know this guy..."

  • (audience laughing)

  • "He died of cancer, it was horrific.

  • I could have lifted him up off the sheet with two fingers,

  • it was horrible, hey enjoy...

  • Oh, by the way, I got molested when I was nine.

  • Enjoy the rest of this."

  • You gonna have a Super Bowl party?

  • Yes. No Super Bowl party. No Super Bowl party.

  • If you're a true football fan, you do not go to

  • Super Bowl parties. Because it's all a bunch of losers

  • who don't watch it all year, and what they do is

  • they talk during the game, and then they shut up

  • during the commercial. And then the game comes back,

  • they're like "oh, how much you think that one cost?

  • Huh? What did you... Was that funny?

  • I though that one stunk."

  • And it's just like... I just...

  • The rage that goes through me.

  • Through the game. And I just, you know.

  • Ended up fighting, you know, with somebody.

  • So you just are opposed to them having a party

  • in the middle of the Super Bowl. Like, you know,

  • having a... a half-time show.

  • Yeah, I don't like it. It's the most important

  • game of the year, and they turned it into

  • like this... this... I don't know what it is.

  • I don't even know what it is anymore.

  • It used to be like a little high school band came out...

  • [Conan] Yeah.

  • Playing a little song.

  • [Conan] Right.

  • And then that was it. And now they just...

  • Shooting t-shirts into the crowd.

  • I really sound like a grumpy old man, but I...

  • I just wanna watch the game.

  • [Conan] Right.

  • I'm just gonna be me, sitting alone, screaming at my TV.

  • How much football do you watch a week?

  • I watch... I watch two games on Sunday, I tape three.

  • [Conan] Right.

  • Then I watch the Monday game, and then Tuesday

  • I watch one of the three that I taped.

  • Wednesday I watch another one, then I watch

  • the Thursday night game.

  • And then Friday, I watch the Sunday night game.

  • And then Saturday I watch college football.

  • Okay.

  • And it's fine.

  • Okay.

  • Because I have a simple male brain

  • that can just sit there and just... just enjoy it.

  • I can just enjoy it.

  • So does your wife watch any of these games with you?

  • No, she has the female, complex, multitasking brain.

  • That's why they can't be happy. They just...

  • Always... they're like, what is that lizard

  • that can look at two things at once?

  • That's what they're like.

  • So they got the shoes they want, and then

  • they see some other woman walking in, going

  • "oh, look at this skinny bitch over here,

  • she thinks she's cute, right?" And they...

  • That's what I've learned.

  • Oh god.

  • You know what makes women happy?

  • Nothing. Nothing makes them happy, and that is why

  • they are slowly taking over the NFL, because

  • it annoys that we can just sit there, with like

  • a pizza and a drink, like "uh, that's not holding!"

  • Just, just be like... and enjoy ourselves.

  • So you're saying that you... because you're happy,

  • that you think your wife, and women in general, wanna...

  • They're jealous of it. They don't want their own thing.

  • They don't want their own shit. They want our shit.

  • I don't know what it is. And it's... I think it's because

  • we're happy. We're just sitting there, enjoying ourselves.

  • Having a good time without them. It drives them nuts.

  • And they just gotta go in there and ruin it.

  • I still watch O.J. Simpsons highlights.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I do, I'm a... I'm a football fan.

  • He's one of the top five running backs of all time.

  • You're able to compartmentalize.

  • But he's all of that.

  • When he goes into a restaurant and they go

  • "Murderer! Murderer!" He's not just that.

  • He also won the Heisman Trophy, he ran...

  • He got 2,000 yards in a 14-game season.

  • It's just like, people are very... they're complex.

  • You think anyone, when he walks into...

  • Complex? You think when he walks into restaurant,

  • anyone yells out "Heisman Trophy!"

  • I would be... I would be adding stuff on.

  • You know, "Naked Gun! Naked Gun! 1 and 2!"

  • I don't like how they interview the coaches too,

  • when they go to the half... like, in half-time.

  • As they're running off, like I think they should

  • just be able to stay focused on the game.

  • They shouldn't have to talk to somebody in

  • like a ski parka. They're like "yeah, you know,

  • you're down by 14, what are your thoughts?"

  • It's like, what the... What do you think my thoughts are?

  • This sucks! I'm worried about my job.

  • I'll probably have to sell my house.

  • My wife's gonna leave me. I need to score

  • more points in the other half.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Who are you? Why am I talking to you?

  • You're not even in football? Did you even play

  • to the high school level?

  • [Conan] No, no. Probably not.

  • You took journalism.

  • [Conan] Yeah.

  • Get outta here.

  • What about...

  • Yeah, it's a bunch of nerds

  • interrupting people who know what they're doing.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And the thing that concerned me the most in sports

  • was, I watched Cleveland play a home game

  • in November, and it was 71 degrees out.

  • And the pitchers were sweating and all that...

  • No, that's not a good thing, people.

  • (audience laughing)

  • This is the golden age of global warming.

  • So take it in. Stick your arm out the window.

  • Before the hellfires come.

  • Well, always nice to cheer up the crowd.

  • That's when you know you're in trouble.

  • In the NFL, is when you just stand there...

  • I don't even know what that means, "we gotta get it right."

  • "We didn't get it right, but we're gonna work on

  • trying to get it right, so next time

  • we gotta get it right."

  • (audience laughing)

  • "I'm embarrassed for my actions.

  • I'm embarrassed for the League.

  • Embarrassed for anyone on the same continent as me.

  • We didn't get it right, we gotta get it right next time,

  • we're gonna work on getting it right."

  • Starts with that, and then the next day

  • the guy's on the sports talk radio.

  • You know the "and, and, and" guys?

  • [Conan] Yeah, yeah.

  • That connects all their thoughts with that.

  • Like "they came out in the firs quarter, and...

  • they were all over 'em!"

  • Those guys jump on it. "What does this say?

  • What does... what does the League.. What kind of message...

  • what kind of message are they sending out?"

  • Like, I don't... It's like, what...

  • What message are they sending out?

  • Do you think I'm gonna see this guy hit a woman,

  • and then I'm gonna do it?

  • [Conan] Right.

  • Right?

  • Right.

  • I wasn't gonna hit a woman, but then that guy

  • in the Ravens did it, so I guess it's okay.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "They got a real problem!"

  • It drove me nuts the whole month.

  • "They got a real problem in the NFL."

  • As compared to what? Plumbers? Electricians?

  • Society in general? There's a lot of great people

  • that play football. The League's gonna be fine.

  • A lot of New England fans get upset that

  • Brady didn't catch that pass.

  • He should have laid out.

  • What?

  • It's the Super Bowl. He should have laid out.

  • He should have extended his whole body and grabbed it?

  • You know what was funny? Was when, on that play

  • you actually saw his age? You know?

  • If you... when he stands in the pocket, he looks 25.

  • The second he starts running, it's like,

  • dude, I could D this guy up.

  • (audience laughing)