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  • - Can masturbating make you go blind?

  • 100%, and here's how.

  • Here to help us grapple

  • with the issue is chronic masturbator, Trevor Wallace.

  • - I wouldn't say chronic.

  • Chronic's like nine times a day.

  • I'm more like 8.5.

  • - Doctors say the act of masturbation is perfectly normal

  • and a healthy sexual practice.

  • But, are you really gonna trust doctors?

  • They're a bunch of perverts who won't even come

  • into the room until you take your clothes off.

  • - Oh.

  • Never really thought about it that way.

  • - [Natasha] Let's say you've been jerking it for years

  • and it's never affected your eyesight.

  • But, you're estranged from your folks.

  • - We stopped talking

  • after they called me a limp wrist boy

  • during my beer pong world tournament, you know.

  • It's not limp.

  • - [Natasha] So, you have no idea

  • that you have a family history of high blood pressure,

  • and every time you tug,

  • blood rushes from your head to your groin.

  • Unbeknownst to you,

  • you're straining your already delicate retinal veins.

  • And you're in the midst of a pong tournament,

  • so you've been wanking before every match.

  • It's the only way to get in the zone,

  • or what the Japanese team calls kenjataimu,

  • the period of clear thoughts post ejaculation

  • when a man is free from sexual desires, 100% confirmed.

  • You might end up winning the tournament,

  • but you'll never see your trophy

  • because you're about to go blind from masturbating.

  • - Okay, okay, no, no, no.

  • Let's say I, like, quit ponging and start, like,

  • popping blood thinners.

  • Like, then will I be chill?

  • - It won't matter

  • because you'll still have a vitamin A deficiency

  • because you refuse to eat carrots.

  • - Okay, yeah.

  • I'm not a little bunny boy, all right?

  • - [Natasha] But, healthy eyes need vitamin A to function.

  • And because of your refusal to eat retinol-rich foods,

  • your body has just a tiny supply,

  • which you deplete every time you cream your shorts.

  • You're putting salad dressing on the wrong cucumber.

  • Masturbating is about to make you go blind.

  • - Okay.

  • Fine, well I'll get better eyesight.

  • I'll get Lasiks, whatever the fuck.

  • Masturbating will not make me go blind now, right?

  • - Wrong, because you're bored of the regular tugging routine

  • and decide to do the stranger.

  • Sitting on your hand to make it go numb

  • so when you rub, it feels like you're getting yanked

  • by a rando is great. - Okay.

  • - Too great,

  • because you spunk so hard you get it in your eye,

  • which you then rub with your numb hand

  • which currently lacks all sensation.

  • A simple eye rub turns into a deep corneal scratch.

  • And corneal damage is the leading cause of blindness,

  • 100% confirmed.

  • Your five-finger-discount jerk-off has caused you

  • to go blind.

  • - I knew I should have just invested in a fleshlight

  • for Hanukkah.

  • But what if I never, like, splooge in my eye.

  • Then, that's chill?

  • - Not chill because the problem is still in your face.

  • Orgasms cause muscles in the face to contract.

  • These tiny twitches shouldn't be an issue,

  • but you're very good at what you do.

  • So, every time you make whoopee with yourself,

  • you go cross-eyed.

  • It's a long weekend,

  • so you've been making yourself googly-eyed

  • from Thursday night to Sunday evening.

  • You've made an o-face so many times it's

  • now gonna stay that way.

  • You'll never see straight again.

  • You've gone blind from masturbating.

  • - Okay, this is starting to freak me out.

  • Hypothetically, if I never masturbate again,

  • then I'll be okay, yeah?

  • - It's too late.

  • Because you've just read Swiss physicist,

  • Samuel Auguste Tissot's "Treaties on Masturbation".

  • - I have? - You have.

  • It's the 1760s, so this is the only book.

  • And in this self-proclaimed medical text,

  • Tissot states masturbation saps humans

  • of essential oils required for sight.

  • You freak out and run to the local pharmacy,

  • which in 1760, is just a witch living in a tree.

  • She gives you a tincture

  • of what she considers essential oils,

  • spit from her lizard which she tells you to rub

  • on the soft tissue that makes up your eyes.

  • The lizard spit burns right through your retinas.

  • But, you think the painful sensation is penance,

  • sin leaving the body.

  • The next time you read something,

  • it'll have to be a book on tape because you just went blind

  • from masturbating.

  • - All right, this Tissot guy kinda sounds crazy.

  • Do we know, like, if he's a real physicist?

  • - Let's find out.

  • Hi, I have some questions from internet user 11639.

  • - From the year 11,639?

  • - Yeah, Tissot, how'd you come up with this idea?

  • - Research, years and years of thorough scientific research.

  • - So, you've done the clinical trials?

  • - Whatever you say, witch.

  • - Are these some of your instruments?

  • - Oh, yeah, top-of-the-line physics stuff.

  • There's this little do-hickey

  • and this thingy that gets very hot.

  • Watch out.

  • Not sure why, maybe God.

  • - So, how do you know that losing semen makes you sick?

  • - Simple logic.

  • If you lose too much blood, you die.

  • Semen is basically blood, just white.

  • So bingo-bango, semen makes you sicko.

  • (Tissot coughing)

  • Ah, that will fix it.

  • - Did you just cut off your arm to stop coughing?

  • - Did you just cut off your arm to stop coughing?

  • Get out of here, witch.

  • And take that handsome aristocrat with you.

  • - So yes, you can go blind from masturbating.

  • It's just a matter of when and how.

  • - Well, goodbye my sweet friend.

  • Do you guys have like a trashcan

  • or like maybe somewhere I could, like, hang it up?

  • - Oh, you just put it in the hard drive.

  • I'm doctor-expert, Natasha Vaynblat

  • and your worst fear has been confirmed.

  • - Oh, what about regular sex?

  • Can you go blind from regular sex?

  • - Absolutely not.

  • From regular sex, you die.

  • - So, I'm dead right now?

  • 'Cause this looks like a little Heaven setting.

  • Is that what happened?

  • 'Cause I had sex last night.

  • Nice, nice.

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Can Jerking It Make Me Go Blind? (ft. Trevor Wallace) - Your Worst Fears Confirmed

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/10
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