WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I HAVE A LOVELY-- LOVELY SIP OF MY COFFEE HERE UPON GET ALL

ZIPPED UP.

THERE YOU GO.

SOUND LOVES THAT, DON'T THEY?

DON'T THE SOUND GUYS LOVE THAT.

JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, ANYBODY SEEING ME WALKING DOWN THE

STREET TODAY-- THIS IS WHAT I WORE TO WORK TODAY.

THIS IS HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN RIDING TODAY.

BECAUSE WE WERE SHOCKED, RIGHT.

WE DID NOT KNOW HOW INTERESTING THIS DAY WAS GOING TO BE IN THAT

IT WAS FAR LESS BORING THAN WE THOUGHT.

BECAUSE HERE WE GO AGAIN, AGAIN.

BECAUSE IT'S DAY ONE OF THE SECOND IMPEACHMENT OF THE 45th

PRESIDENT.

I GOT THAT REALLY FEELING OF DEJA COUP.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY UNFORTUNATELY NECESSARY SEGMENT,

"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."

♪ ♪ ♪ >> HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB

BASTARD, AND I DID A HORRIBLE JOB!

A HORRIBLE JOB.

I DID HORRIBLE JOB" HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB

BASTARD, I DID A HORRIBLE JOB!

A HORRIBLE JOOOB!

HE DID A HORRIBLE JOOOB!

YEAH!

>> Stephen: I SMELL A HIT.

IT IS ONE YEAR AND FOUR DAYS SINCE WE FINISHED UP THE LAST

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF THE SAME PRESIDENT, FEBRUARY OF 2020.

OH, WE WERE SO YOUNG THEN.

I LONG FOR A SIMPLER TIME, WHEN PEOPLE HIDING FROM NAZIS AND NOT

LEAVING THEIR HOUSE FOR MONTHS WERE JUST THE PLOTS OF "JOJO

RABBIT" AND "PARASITE."

IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE TRIAL, REPUBLICANS WERE GRASPING AT

STRAWS TO JUSTIFY THEIR OPPOSITION TO IMPEACHMENT.

TAKE R.N.C. CHAIR AND WOMAN PRETENDING TO THINK,

RONNA McDANIEL.

YESTERDAY, McDANIEL TWEETED, "BIDEN SHOULD HEED LINCOLN'S

WORDS BY URGING DEMOCRATS IN THE SENATE TO ABANDON THEIR

POLITICAL GAME OF IMPEACHMENT."

NOT SURE YOU WANT TO BRING LINCOLN INTO THIS ONE, RONNA.

HE WAS NEVER A HUGE FAN OF YOUR FLAG.

BUT THE DUMBEST G.O.P. ARGUMENT AGAINST IMPEACHMENT MIGHT HAVE

COME FROM WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING

REMINDED TO BREATHE.

ON SUNDAY, JOHNSON SAID IMPEACHMENT MIGHT BE A SINISTER

DISTRACTION BY NANCY PELOSI.

>> YOU HAVE TO KIND OF ASK THE QUESTION, "WHAT IS THIS

IMPEACHMENT ALL ABOUT?" WE NOW KNOW THAT 45 REPUBLICAN

SENATORS BELIEVE IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

IS THIS ANOTHER DIVERSIONARY OPERATION?

IS THIS MEANT TO DEFLECT AWAY FROM POTENTIALLY WHAT THE

SPEAKER KNEW AND WHEN SHE KNEW IT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M SUSPICIOUS.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE!

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

PELOSI DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO GET BIDEN ELECTED, KNOWING

FULL WELL THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD FOMENT LIES

ABOUT HOW IT WAS RIGGED, CULMINATING IN A VIOLENT

INSURRECTION, HOWLING FOR HER BLOOD IN THE TEMPLE OF AMERICAN

DEMOCRACY, ALL SO SHE COULD HAVE HER PODIUM MOVED FOR FREE!

YOU YOU WIN THIS TIME, NANCY!

TODAY WAS BILLED AS "DRY LEGAL ARGUMENTS" OVER THE WORDING OF

IMPEACHMENT IN THE CONSTITUTION.

AND THE SENATORS SET ASIDE FOUR HOURS TO DEBATE THIS ISSUE.

IF YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL ARGUMENT LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS,

TRY HAVING SEX.

IT'S WAY MORE FUN.

BUT THE PROSECUTORS WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE HEART WITH A

DEVASTATING VIDEO PROVING THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY AND THE RIOT

AT THE CAPITOL WERE ONE AND THE SAME THING.

I WOULD PLAY IT FOR YOU, BUT IT IS VERY HARD TO WATCH.

YOU WOULD NEED A BOX OF KLEENEX-- IF NOT A PONCHO-- AND

PERHAPS EVEN A DIAPER.

IT WAS ESPECIALLY HARD TO WATCH FOR THE COWARDS IN THE SENATE,

LIKE FLORIDA SENATOR RICK SCOTT, WHO STUDIED PAPERS IN HIS LAP,

TAKING ONLY THE TINIEST GLIMPSES AT THE SCREEN TO HIS RIGHT.

AND ARKANSAS SENATOR TOM COTTON, WHO ALSO FOCUSED ON PAPERS IN

FRONT OF HIM INSTEAD OF ON THE IMAGES DEPICTING THE

INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL.

AND MARCO RUBIO DID THE SAME.

AND RAND PAUL, WHO INSTEAD OF WATCHING, LOOKED DOWN AT THE PAD

OF LINED PAPER IN HIS LAP, WHERE HE HAD ALREADY BEGUN DOODLING

WITH A PENCIL.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY GENTLEMEN: SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO

EVIL MAKES YOU SEEM KIND OF EVIL.

I WONDER WHAT RAND PAUL WAS DOODLING INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT

THE VIDEO.

MAYBE A GAME OF HANGMAN?

LET'S SEE HOW CLOSE HE GOT.

MIKE-ENCE?

SO WITH THAT 13-MINUTE VIDEO, HOUSE MANAGERS BASICALLY PROVED

THEIR CASE: YOU CAN'T SEPARATE THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY FROM THE

VIOLENT ATTACK ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN SEPARATE GORILLA GLUE FROM

THAT LADY'S HAIR.

TODAY, 44 REPUBLICAN SENATORS VOTED THAT THE TRIAL WAS

UNCONSTITUTIONAL, BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS TRIAL.

WELL, TOUGH NUTS.

THE COUNTRY IS LIKE A BAR, AND THE LAST PRESIDENT PUKED IN THE

BATHROOM.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO CLEAN IT UP, OR WE CAN'T USE THE BATHROOM

ANYMORE.

OH, AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO BE A BUSBOY.

SO GRAB A MOP AND DO YOUR JOB.

AND IF YOU CAN'T FIND A MOP, USE RAND PAUL'S HAIR.

HOUSE MANAGER JAMIE RASKIN SPOKE ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS IT WOULD BE

FOR THE COUNTRY IF THE SENATE COULDN'T TRY FORMER PRESIDENTS.

>> THEIR ARGUMENT IS THAT IF YOU COMMIT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE IN

YOUR LAST FEW WEEKS IN OFFICE, YOU DO IT WITH CONSTITUTIONAL

IMPUNITY.

YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.

THIS WOULD CREATE A BRAND-NEW JANUARY EXCEPTION TO THE

CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA-- A JANUARY

EXCEPTION.

>> Stephen: YES, A JANUARY EXCEPTION-- WHICH IS WHAT I CALL

IT WHEN I DO DRY JANUARY AND START DRINKING ON THE 7th

BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED ON THE 6th.

AND HE'S RIGHT.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE THAT FOR THEIR LAST MONTH IN OFFICE,

PRESIDENTS GET TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.

IT'S LIKE IF, INSTEAD OF SENIOR SKIP DAY, HIGH SCHOOLS HAD

SENIOR STAB DAY.

MAYBE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS ARE RIGHT.

MAYBE THE FOUNDING FATHERS DID WANT PRESIDENTS TO GET AWAY WITH

ANYTHING IN THE LAST PART OF THEIR TERM.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE "LAME DUCK."

BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE DANGEROUS ANIMAL THAN A CORNERED

DUCK.

OH, THEY'LL PECK AT YOUR SHINS LIKE THEY WERE CRUSTY BAGUETTES.

AND WHEN IT CAME TO WHETHER THE PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHABLE AFTER

LEAVING OFFICE, RASKIN REACHED BACK TO THE EARLY DAYS OF THE

REPUBLIC.

>> THE TRUE RULE WAS STATED BY FORMER PRESIDENT JOHN QUINCY

ADAMS WHEN HE CATEGORICALLY DECLARED, "I HOLD MYSELF SO LONG

AS I HAVE THE BREATH OF LIFE IN MY BODY AMENABLE TO IMPEACHMENT

BY THE HOUSE FOR EVERYTHING I DID DURING THE TIME I HELD ANY

PUBLIC OFFICE."

>> Stephen: YES, INDEED.

THAT IS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS' SECOND MOST FAMOUS QUOTE AFTER,

"I'M NOT THE PAUL GIAMATTI ONE.

THAT'S MY DAD."

WHEN RASKIN WAS FINISHED, IMPEACHMENT MANAGER JOE NEGUSE

TOOK OVER, AND HE GAVE THE SENATORS A HISTORY LESSON.

>> IN 1797, ABOUT A DECADE AFTER OUR COUNTRY RATIFIED OUR

CONSTITUTION, THERE WAS A SENATOR FROM TENNESSEE BY THE

NAME OF WILLIAM BLUNT, WHO WAS CAUGHT CONSPIRING WITH THE

BRITISH TO TRY TO SELL FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA.

>> Stephen: FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA TO THE BRITISH?

THAT'S CRAZY.

REPUBLICANS KNOW A GREAT PRESIDENT OFFERS TO TRADE PUERTO

RICO FOR GREENLAND TO DENMARK.

NOW, KEEP IN MIND, THESE CONSTITUTIONAL ORIGINALISTS ARE

ARGUING THAT YOU CAN'T IMPEACH SOMEONE ONCE THEY'VE LEFT

OFFICE.

WELL, NEGUSE CURB-STOMPED THAT WITH THE FOUNDERS' OWN BOOTS.

>> FOUR DAYS LATER, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

IMPEACHED HIM.

A DAY AFTER THAT, THIS BODY, THE UNITED STATES SENATE, EXPELLED

HIM FROM OFFICE, SO HE WAS VERY MUCH A FORMER OFFICIAL.

DESPITE THAT, THE HOUSE WENT FORWARD WITH ITS IMPEACHMENT,

PROCEEDING IN ORDER TO DISQUALIFY HIM FROM EVER AGAIN

HOLDING FEDERAL OFFICE.

AND SO THE SENATE PROCEEDED WITH THE TRIAL, WITH NONE OTHER THAN

THOMAS JEFFERSON PRESIDING.

>> Stephen: WOW.

JEFFERSON HIMSELF PRESIDED.

THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH FOR THE DEFENSE TO REFUTE.

IT'S LIKE T.J. SAID, "ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL, EXCEPT FOR

THE 45th PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM.

WERE THEY KICKED IN THE HEAD BY A HORSE?"

AFTER THAT, WE HEARD FROM ANOTHER IMPEACHMENT MANAGER,

DAVID CICILLINI, WHO LAID A HARD TRUTH ON THE CROWD.

>> MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT, AS YOU THINK ABOUT THAT DAY, THINGS

COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE.

AS ONE SENATOR SAID, "THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US."

>> Stephen: THAT IS CHILLING.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DEFENSE'S REBUTTAL.

"OKAY, I SUPPOSE THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US, BUT THEY

REALLY ONLY WANTED TO KILL YOU GUYS.

SO MOTION TO DISMISS?

ANYONE?

NO?

AFTER A SHORT RECESS, IT WAS TIME FOR BRUCE CASTOR, THE

PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, TO ARGUE ON HIS BEHALF.

>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.

I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> Stephen: ( AS CASTOR )

"I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- SORRY, THE DEFENSE-- HERE TO

PROVE THAT THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY-- SORRY, INNOCENT-- AND

SHOULD BE SENT TO JAIL-- SORRY, TO MAR-A-LAGO!

WOW.

I GUESS FREUD'S MOM'S GOT MY PENIS-- I MEAN, MY CAT'S

TONGUE!" ( LAUGHTER )

CAT'S TONGUE!

BUT I'M NOT SURE WHICH SIDE CASTOR THOUGHT HE WAS ON, GIVEN

HOW IMPRESSED HE WAS BY THE HOUSE MANAGERS' CASE.

>> BEFORE I BEGIN, I WANT TO COMMENT ON THE OUTSTANDING

PRESENTATION FROM OUR OPPONENTS.

I'LL BE QUITE FRANK WITH YOU: WE CHANGED WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO

ON ACCOUNT THAT WE THOUGHT THE HOUSE MANAGERS' PRESENTATION WAS

WELL DONE.

>> Stephen: ( AS CASTOR )

"AND, UH, WHEN IT-- WHEN IT TURNED OUT THE OTHER GUYS WERE

PREPARED, WE CALLED AN AUDIBLE AND DECIDED TO BE PREPARED

OURSELVES.

AND YOU ALL CAN IMAGINE HOW HARD OF A DECISION THAT WAS FOR US,

SINCE WE ARE, AGAIN, COMPLETELY UNPREPARED."

BUT I'LL GIVE CASTOR THIS: THE MAN CAN TALK.

AND TALK.

AND TALK.

>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.

I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES.

I WAS ASSISTANT D.A. FOR SUCH A LONG TIME...

SENATORS OF THE UNITED STATES, THEY ARE NOT ORDINARY PEOPLE.

THERE ARE EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE...

IT WAS HAPPENING IN ATHENS, AND IT WAS HAPPENING IN ROME...

"HE WHO WOULD TRADE LIBERTY FOR SOME TEMPORARY SECURITY DESERVE

NEITHER LIBERTY NOR SECURITY.

I WORKED IN THIS BUILDING 40 YEARS AGO.

I GOT LOST THEN, AND I STILL DO.

>> Stephen: I CAN TELL!

CASTOR WAS SO RAMBLING, THERE WERE TIMES IT SEEMED LIKE HIS

PLAN WAS TO PUT EVERYBODY TO SLEEP, THEN GRAB THE ARTICLES OF

IMPEACHMENT AND JUST TIPTOE OUT.

EVEN C-SPAN TRIED TO SAVE THEIR RATINGS BY SWITCHING TO LIVE

TESTIMONY FROM THE HOUSE SUBCOMMITTEE ON PAINT DRYING.

NOW, OCCASIONALLY, CASTOR STUMBLED ON AN ACTUAL POINT--

LIKE WHEN HE ARGUED IMPEACHMENT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN VERY MUCH.

>> UNTIL THE IMPEACHMENT OF BILL CLINTON, NO ONE ALIVE HAD EVER

LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL IMPEACHMENT, NOT UNLESS SOME OF

YOU ARE 150 YEARS OLD.

NOT A SINGLE PERSON ALIVE HAD LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL

IMPEACHMENT.

NOW MOST OF US HAVE LIVED THROUGH THREE OF THEM.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE SAFETY VALVE, THE LAST

THING THAT HAPPENS, THE MOST RARE TREATMENT.

>> Stephen: IDEALLY, YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR THEM

TO BE RARE.

THAT'S LIKE THE POLICE GOING, "WELL, PROSECUTING TRIPLE

HOMICIDES IS SUPPOSED TO BE A RARE OCCURRENCE.

WE HAD ONE LAST WEEK, SO LET'S CALL THESE THREE HEADLESS BODIES

AN OOPSY-DAISY."

COULD THEY HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON A RAILROAD TRACK?