WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!

WE'VE GOT A HUGE SHOW TONIGHT.

I'M GOING TO GIVE IT AWAY RIGHT NOW.

WE'VE GOT ZENDAYA.

WE'VE GOT ZENDAYA, AND WE'VE GOT FARTHER JIM MARTIN A JESUIT

PRIEST COMING ON.

IT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!

LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY SINCE MARCH 12.

BUT TODAY IS ACTUAL GROUNDHOG DAY, FOR NO APPARENT REASON,

AMERICA SEEKS WEATHER PROPHECY FROM METEOROLOGICAL

PROGNOSTICATOR PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL, SEEN HERE WITH NO IDEA

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

IT'S BEEN A ROUGH RUN SINCE LAST GROUNDHOG DAY, SO WE ALL HAD OUR

FINGERS CROSSED FOR SOME PROMISING RODENT FORECASTING

FROM PHIL AND HIS COUNCIL OF FONDELORS.

BUT, SADLY, OUR HOPES FOR SPRING WERE SPURNED, BECAUSE PHIL SAW

HIS SHADOW, WHICH MEANS THERE WILL BE SIX MORE WEEKS OF

WINTER.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PHIL!

I CAN'T TAKE IT!

I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK INSIDE SIX MORE WEEKS STARING AT SNOW

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW!

I AM READY TO BE STUCK INSIDE STARING AT RAIN OUTSIDE THE

WINDOW!

BUT THERE IS, THERE IS A CHANCE THAT PHIL'S NOT GIVING US THE

STRAIGHT DOPE HERE.

YOU SEE-- STICK WITH ME, IN 2020, PHIL PREDICTED

AN EARLY SPRING, UT AS THE A.P.

POINTED OUT, HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A PANDEMIC.

WAIT A SECOND.

IS THE ASSOCIATED PRESS IMPLYING AMERICA'S PREEMINENT MAGICAL

WOODCHUCK ISN'T A BOARD-CERTIFIED EPIDEMIOLOGIST?

I HOPE THEY CAN BACK THAT UP WITH SOMETHING.

THE CEREMONY WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR.

DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, INSTEAD OF ANY GROUNDHOG GROUPIES, THE

AUDIENCE WAS PACKED WITH CARDBOARD CUTOUTS.

THAT MEANS THERE WERE NO PROPER WITNESSES.

I DEMAND A HAND RECOUNT OF THE GROUNDHOG!

STOP THE SHADOW!

STORM GOBBLERS KNOB!

ALSO, CHANGE THE NAME!

IT SOUNDS REALLY DIRTY.

MAKE IT SOMETHING NICER, LIKE DRIBBLER'S CROTCH.

OR STICKLER'S LICK.

OR DUFFLER'S MUNCH.

THERE'S BIG NEWS TODAY FROM THE BUSINESS WORLD AND THE REGULAR

WORLD, TOO, BECAUSE AMAZON ANNOUNCED THAT THEIR C.E.O.,

JEFF BEZOS, WILL BE STEPPING DOWN.

BEFORE LEAVING OFFICE, HE WILL BE COCOONED IN BUBBLE WRAP AND

PUT IN A BOX EIGHT TIMES HIS SIZE.

MAYBE THROW IN A LITTLE S.D.

CARD OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BEZOS IS THE RICHEST MAN IN MODERN HISTORY, WORTH $196

BILLION.

THAT'S BILLION WITH AN "ILLIONMENT.

AND HE HAS HAD A GOOD YEAR.

IN FACT, HIS WORTH CLIMBED SO MUCH BETWEEN MARCH AND SEPTEMBER

OF 2020 THAT HE COULD HAVE GIVEN ALL 876,000 AMAZON

EMPLOYEES A $105,000 BONUS AND STILL HAVE BEEN WEALTHY AS HE

WAS BEFORE THE PANDEMIC.

KEY PHRASE THERE: "COULD HAVE GIVEN."

SO, ON ONE HAND, HE IS AN OBSCENELY RICH PLUTOCRAT WHO

HOARDS WEALTH AS THOSE EMPLOYEES NOT YET REPLACED BY

ROBOTS HAVE TO PEE IN BOTTLES FOR LACK OF BATHROOM BREAKS.

ON THE OTHER HAND, HE GREENLIT "FLEABAG," SO...

IN HIS ABSENCE, BEZOS WILL BE TURNING OVER THE REINS TO THE

COMPANY'S LONGTIME CLOUD-COMPUTING BOSS, ANDY

JASSY.

NOW, I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT JASSY, BUT HIS LAST NAME RHYMES WITH

"SASSY" AND SASSY JASSY SOUNDED IF FOR ME.

UPON SASSY JASSY!

I NEED A CUP OF COFFEE AFTER THAT.

IT'S BEEN A PRETTY GOOD SHOW SO FAR, PRETTY GOOD.

THIS IS MINE TO LOSE.

IN THE END, I'M JUST IMPRESSED THAT THE COMPANY THAT DELIVERS

MY DOG FOOD AND NESPRESSO PODS HAD A MORE PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

POWER THAN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

OH, SPEAKING OF WHICH, I'VE SEEN MY SHADOW, AND I PREDICT WE'RE

GOING TO HAVE TWO MORE WEEKS OF IMPEACHMENT.

THIS MORNING, HOUSE DEMOCRATS RELEASED THEIR TRIAL BRIEF,

WHICH ARGUES "THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS SINGULARLY

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCE AND DESTRUCTION THAT UNFOLDED IN OUR

SEAT OF GOVERNMENT ON JANUARY 6," AS HE "SUMMONED A MOB TO

WASHINGTON, EXHORTED THEM INTO A FRENZY, AND AIMED THEM LIKE A

LOADED CANNON DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE."

YES, THEY WERE IN A FRENZY, AND BY THE LOOKS OF IT, SOME OF

THEM WERE CLEARLY LOADED.

THE BRIEF OPENS WITH A SIMPLE TIMELINE OF FACTS: THE PRESIDENT

REFUSES TO ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THE 2020 ELECTION.

THE PRESIDENT INCITES INSURRECTIONISTS TO

ATTACK THE CAPITOL.

INSURRECTIONISTS INCITED BY THE PRESIDENT ATTACKED THE CAPITOL.

THE PRESIDENT IS DERELICT OF DUTY DURING THE ATTACK.

OKAY, THAT CHECKS OUT.

HE IS A DERELICT, AND THEY SMEARED THE CAPITOL WITH DOODY.

THIS AFTERNOON, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS PUT OUT

THEIR OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO THE DEMOCRATS' IMPEACHMENT CHARGES,

AND THEY PROVED THEMSELVES TOP LEGAL MINDS BY ADDRESSING THE

FILING TO "THE MEMBERS OF THE 'UNITES' STATES SENATE."

YES, THE UNITES STATES SENATE, BOTH REPUBLICARNTS AND

DEMOCRABS.

UNITES STATES.

THE DISGRACED FORMER PRESIDENT'S TEAM ARGUED THAT "HE CANNOT BE

CONVICTED BY THE SENATE BECAUSE HE IS NO LONGER IN OFFICE."

SO, OKAY, ONCE YOU LEAVE A JOB, YOU'RE IMMUNE FROM PROSECUTION?"

CANNIBALISM?

NICE TRY, YOUR HONOR, BUT I DON'T EVEN WORK AT WHITE CASTLE

ANYMORE."

BUT THE PRESIDENT-- OH, SO GOOD.

RIGHT TIME OF NIGHT.

RIGHT TIME OF NIGHT, MAN ( WHISTLES )

STEAM, ONIONS, ALL IS FORGIVEN.

BUT THE PRESIDENT'S DEFENDERS GO BEYOND LEGAL ARGUMENTS.

THEY DON'T EVEN WANT THERE TO BE A TRIAL.

TAKE IMPEACHMENT LAWYER AND SEA CAPTAIN WHO RUNS A HEDGE FUND,

DAVID SCHOEN.

HOUSE MANAGERS, LIKE ERIC SWALLWELL, HAVE SAID THAT

THEY'RE GOING TO USE NEWS FOOTAGE OF THE RIOT TO PROVE

THEIR CASE.

SCHOEN BELIEVES THAT'S A BAD IDEA-- FOR AMERICA.

>> WE KNOW NOW, APPARENTLY, THAT MR. SWALLWELL AND THE OTHER

MANAGERS INTEND TO SHOW VIDEOTAPES OF THE RIOTS AND

PEOPLE CALLING IN, PEOPLE BEING HURT, POLICE OFFICERS

TALKING.

WHY DOES THE COUNTRY NEED THAT NOW?

WE NEED TO HEAL NOW.

WE NEED TO MOVE FORWARD.

>> Stephen: YES, HEALING COMES FROM NOT PROVIDING ANY EVIDENCE.

AS IT SAYS IN THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH, "FIRST, SNITCHES GET

STITCHES."

SCHOEN'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS AN EVIDENCE-FREE TRIAL.

SO DOES SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR, AND SPOKES-MODEL FOR THE JOWL

BRASSIERE, LINDSEY GRAHAM.

LINDSEY WAS ON THE FOX NEWS, AND HE HAD A WARNING FOR HOUSE

IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS.

>> TO MY DEMOCRATIC COLLEAGUES, IF YOU VOTE TO CALL ONE

WITNESS-- NONE WERE CALLED IN THE HOUSE-- GET READY FOR A LONG

TRIAL.

BUT IF YOU OPEN UP THAT CAN OF WORMS, WE'LL WANT THE F.B.I. TO

COME IN AND TELL US HOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY PREPLANNED THESE

ATTACKS AND WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE SECURITY FOOTPRINT AT THE

CAPITOL.

YOU OPEN UP PANDORA'S BOX IF YOU CALL ONE WITNESS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE, LINDSEY.

UPON IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE TO

INFORMATION.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHO THE GOOD GUYS ARE.

"MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO WITNESSES."

THERE'S THIS LITTLE FRINGE GROUP IN THE PARTY WHO BELIEVES IT'S

WRONG TO ATTACK THE CAPITOL BUILDING.

AND THEY'RE FOCUSING THEIR ANGER ON GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND

WOMAN ZOOM-CALLING FROM THE OUTHOUSE, MARJORIE TAYLOR

GREENE.

GREENE'S A PUBLIC BACKER OF QANON.

SHE'S CLAIMED THAT MASS SHOOTINGS, INCLUDING SCHOOL

SHOOTINGS, WERE STAGED, AND SHE HAS SUPPORTED THE EXECUTION OF

DEMOCRATIC LEADERS.

SO, A MODERATE REPUBLICAN.

AND YESTERDAY, GREENE'S VIEWS INSPIRED A STRONG REACTION FROM

SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND "BODIES" EXHIBIT REJECT, MITCH

McCONNELL.

McCONNELL RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING THAT THE BASELESS

CONSPIRACY THEORIES GREENE SUPPORTS "ARE CANCER FOR THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY AND OUR COUNTRY."

YES, IT'S CANCER, BUT I WILL POINT OUT THAT FIVE YEARS AGO,

THE G.O.P. FOUND A SUSPICIOUS LUMP AND THEN NOMINATED THE

TUMOR FOR PRESIDENT.

McCONNELL KEPT TEARING INTO GREENE, CALLING HER BELIEFS

"LOONY LIES."

YOU ALSO MIGHT REMEMBER "LOONY LIES" AS THE SHORT-LIVED CLASSIC

CARTOON STARRING PORKY PIG.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> F.D.R. EATS BABIES, FOLKS.

>> Stephen: THERE IS SO MUCH DIVISION IN THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY, THEY REALLY NEED A MAN OF TRUE INTEGRITY TO UNITE THEM.

UNFORTUNATELY, ALL THEY'VE GOT IS HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND

MAYOR ASSURING THE TOWN THE BEACH IS MOSTLY SHARK-FREE,

KEVIN McCARTHY.

McCARTHY HAS RESISTED CALLS FROM DEMOCRATS TO KICK GREENE OFF HER

HOUSE COMMITTEES.

INSTEAD, HE'S PROMISING TO HAVE A "CONVERSATION" WITH HER ABOUT

THE MOUNTING CONTROVERSIES SOMETIME THIS WEEK.

WELL, THAT SHOULD BE PRODUCTIVE.

AS McCARTHY PROVED WITH HIS RECENT TRIP TO MAR-A-LAGO, HE

KNOWS HOW TO PUT HIS FOOT DOWN.

AND HIS KNEE DOWN, THEN HIS OTHER KNEE DOWN, SO HE CAN

SMOOCH SOME CRAZY BUTT.

McCONNELL'S NOT THE ONLY ONE UPSET WITH THE CONSPIRACY WING

OF THE G.O.P.

YESTERDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT ROUGHLY 60-70 FORMER BUSH

OFFICIALS HAVE DECIDED TO LEAVE THE PARTY, AND AS ONE PUT IT,

"THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AS I KNEW IT NO LONGER EXISTS."

YES, IT'S UNRECOGNIZABLE.

WE JUST HAD A REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT WHO TOLD OVER 30,000

LIES ABOUT SERIOUS SUBJECTS LIKE ELECTION FRAUD AND A GLOBAL

PANDEMIC.

THE PREVIOUS REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT ONLY TOLD LIES ABOUT

SMALL STUFF LIKE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND

GOVERNMENT-SANCTIONED TORTURE.

THOUGH, I ADMIT, BOTH MEN WERE OBSESSED WITH YELLOW CAKE.

I'M SURPRISED THESE PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED.

NOW, WE'VE ALL BEEN DOING THIS JOB FOR A WHILE NOW, AND WE'VE

SEEN A LOT OF EVIDENCE THAT THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR FROM

REPUBLICANS WAS COMING.

TAKE FORMER BUSH ADVISER AND PARBOILED AMERICAN, KARL ROVE.

BACK WHEN ROVE WAS IN THE WHITE HOUSE, HE SARCASTICALLY REFERRED

TO HIS CRITICS AS "THE REALITY-BASED COMMUNITY," AND

CLAIMED THAT PEOPLE LIKE HIM "CREATE OUR OWN REALITY," A

REALITY, IN WHICH I'LL POINT OUT, HE CHOSE TO BE KARL ROVE.

NOW, WHEN ROVE SAID THAT, WE ALL SAW WHERE THIS WAS HEADED.

BECAUSE IF THAT REPUBLICAN ADMINISTRATION COULD GET AWAY

WITH CREATING THEIR OWN LITTLE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM WITH THE■ç

MAGIC OF MAKE-BELIEVE, IT JUST GOES TO FIGURE THAT IT WAS ONLY

A MATTER TIME BEFORE EVERYBODY ELSE DID IT.

IT'S JUST LIKE THE HEDGE FUND BROS GETTING MAD AT THE PEOPLE

ON REDDIT.

THEY'RE NOT UPSET THAT SOMEONE'S MAKING UP SOME ARTIFICIALLY

INFLATED VALUE TO GAME THE MARKET.

THEY'RE JUST OFFENDED THAT PEOPLE WHO AREN'T IN THEIR

COUNTRY CLUB ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY.

SO WHEN IT COMES TO CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORIES, YOU CAN'T

PUT THE GENIE BACK IN THE BOTTLE, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE

THOSE SAME REPUBLICANS 13 YEARS AGO WERE FINE WITH RUMORS THAT

THE GENIE IS A SECRET MUSLIM.

REMEMBER "SECRET MUSLIM?" THAT WAS 2007, ALONG WITH OBAMA

WAS BORN IN KENYA AND THE TERRORIST FIST BUMP, NOW KNOWN

AS THE ONLY WAY WE'RE ALLOWED TO TOUCH EACH OTHER.

SO, IF CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE, IN FACT, A CANCER ON THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY, PEOPLE LIKE MITCH McCONNELL AND KARL ROVE

HAVE SPENT THE LAST 20 YEARS SELLING CIGARETTES TO THEIR

BASE.

THEY TOLD MILLIONS OF PEOPLE THAT IF THEY CONSUMED THEIR

ALTERNATE REALITY, THEY'D BE THIS.

NOW THEY'RE ACTING ALL SHOCKED THAT INSTEAD, THEY LOOK LIKE

THIS.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, EVERY DAY WE LEARN MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE

CAPITOL RIOTERS.

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, THESE DETAILS ARE JUST SO PLAIN DUMB.

ACCORDING TO RECORDS OBTAINED BY CNN, SO FAR, AT LEAST EIGHT OF

THE PEOPLE FACING CRIMINAL CHARGES FOR THEIR INVOLVEMENT IN

THE EVENTS AT THE CAPITOL DID NOT VOTE.

WELL, GOT TO ADMIT, SEDITION IS A LOT EASIER THAN VOTING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO REGISTER, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE,

YOU'RE NOT RISKING JURY DUTY, AND YOU STILL GET A CUTE LITTLE

STICKER.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.