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  • (light music)

  • - Is your pregnancy test wrong?

  • 100%.

  • And here's how.

  • The US Office of Women's Health

  • states that traditional pregnancy tests are 99% accurate.

  • But then again, women love to exaggerate.

  • Pregnancy tests work by testing your urine

  • for the hormone hCG, which stands for his Cum Got ya.

  • So as long as you urinate

  • on the stick, the test will detect the pregnancy hormone

  • unless you accidentally dilute your urine

  • because you've got Paruresis, shy bladder syndrome.

  • Nothing to be ashamed of,

  • 20 million other Americans are currently pee bashful.

  • So, to make your piss flow confidently,

  • you chug two gallons of water.

  • And it works.

  • Your piss sprays like champagne at Gatsby's house.

  • Only problem is you've unknowingly

  • flushed all the hCG pregnancy hormone out of your system.

  • The test reads not pregnant, but it's a lie.

  • In nine months, you won't be the only one pissing

  • because your pregnancy test is wrong.

  • Let's say your piss is perfectly concentrated.

  • So when your test reads not pregnant,

  • it should be accurate.

  • Unless your boyfriend's sperm has low motility.

  • Happens to seven percent of men.

  • And it means the shlong jelly moves

  • at a significantly slower pace.

  • So even though you've waited the recommended amount of time

  • to take the test,

  • eight weeks, it's actually too early.

  • His trouser gravy is still sliding up your cervix.

  • Your test says not pregnant

  • but in nine months his bonk juice will have turned

  • into your baby because your pregnancy test was wrong.

  • Let's say your boyfriend's man chowder isn't slow

  • and you have no problem peeing on command.

  • Very cool.

  • But you've got a narrow urethra

  • which means your piss is more of a Polick,

  • less of a Rothko, which is why you have to piss in a cup,

  • dunk your tester stick in a mug

  • filled with your liquid gold.

  • But you're not only a messy pee-er,

  • you're also a messy cleaner

  • and your cup is covered in apple juice

  • and the sugars in apple juice interfere

  • with the enzymes in a pregnancy test

  • and cause a false positive.

  • 100% confirmed.

  • So after three minutes, your test says pregnant

  • but your orchard will not bear fruit

  • because your pregnancy test is wrong.

  • Let's say you never drink apple juice.

  • The only drink you allow yourself is milk.

  • You drink it by the gallon 'cause you love a challenge.

  • But what you don't realize is this cow cream

  • came from a commercial dairy farm

  • that, to fulfill milk demands,

  • pumps it's cows full of sex hormones,

  • sex hormones that are now inside you

  • and your over-the-counter pregnancy test

  • is not equipped to tell the difference

  • between human and cow hCG.

  • Here Comes Gizzum versus here's Cow Gizzum.

  • So when your pregnancy test says pregnant,

  • you have no idea that it's bovine, not baby.

  • Your pregnancy test is wrong.

  • Let's say there's nothing wrong with your urine.

  • It's a 10 out of 10 piss.

  • So, when your test result says pregnant,

  • you're sure it's correct, but the piss is not the problem.

  • It's the product, because your pregnancy test is expired.

  • You got it at a local pharmacy staffed by teens

  • and teens aren't going to restock the shelves.

  • They're too busy watching TikToks.

  • Your perfect piss is all for not

  • because your pregnancy test is dead.

  • Okay, let's say you're done

  • with over-the-counter pregnancy tests.

  • I get it, too risky.

  • You go to the gyno, get an ultrasound.

  • And on that table, it's irrefutable.

  • You hear a heartbeat.

  • Except what you fail to tell

  • your gyno is you just joined a gang.

  • And for the initiation, they made you swallow a goldfish,

  • made you chase it with a Skinny Girl margarita,

  • which is mostly water.

  • So your fish is alive and kicking.

  • That heartbeat you hear is not a neonate's.

  • It's Nemo's.

  • You're not pregnant, but Nemo is with a thousand babies.

  • You're going to give birth to officious children.

  • So yes, your pregnancy test is wrong.

  • It's just a matter of when and how.

  • Let's say you avoid all the errors

  • while taking your pregnancy test.

  • It's still important to know how

  • to properly read the results.

  • Most people don't realize that a pregnancy test

  • should be read like a magic eye poster

  • To properly read a result,

  • you must first take the test right up to your eyes,

  • let them loosen and almost go cross eyed.

  • And then slowly move the test back away from your eyes.

  • What first looked like a one pink not pregnant line

  • is actually a rocket ship.

  • Simply consult the legend

  • on the inside of the pregnancy box.

  • And if you buy a box that gives you two pregnancy tests,

  • that doesn't mean you're getting an extra test.

  • That means it's one test that requires two sticks.

  • You must take both at once

  • and then apply the rules of algebra.

  • A positive and a negative result

  • means your test is negative.

  • And a positive and a positive result

  • means your test is positive.

  • But a negative and the negative result

  • means your test is positive.

  • And if your pharmacy is out of pregnancy tests,

  • thermometers work just as well.

  • Simply place it under your armpit and wait.

  • (thermometer beeps) Ah, 98 degrees.

  • Not only do I know I'm pregnant,

  • I also know that the father is Nicholas Lachey.

  • I'm Doctor Expert Natasha Vainblock

  • and your worst fear has been confirmed.

(light music)

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B1 pregnancy test pregnant piss positive wrong

Is Your Pregnancy Test Wrong? - Your Worst Fears Confirmed

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/07
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