Don't touch Donna's label-maker.

(audience laughs)

Okay.

Don't, don't even, don't.

(audience laughs)

Don't even look at it.

(audience laughs)

Why?

Because she bought it with her own money.

Enough said, sister.

Why don't you tell Donna to keep her mitts off my

freakin' tape dispenser.

She knows it's mine

'cause it's clearly labeled with my name,

oh.

(audience laughing)

There's lots of pressure in our society to succeed.

I'm always getting asked, you know, as a comedian,

you know, when are you going on TV,

you know, go on, I wanna, I wanna.

I don't know when I'm gonna be on TV.

Oh cool, what are you gonna be on TV.

I'm right here, you know,

if you put your hands like this,

it's kinda like I'm on TV right?

Is that pretty good, that's good,

Oh come on, when were do.

Dad! (snorting grunts)

(nasal grunting)

My Dad's just really a series of sound effects.

(nasal grunting, snorting)

(congested breathing)

Everything okay over there Dad?

Oh yeah. (gobbling noise)

(audience laughing)

My Dad, he's very, he's a Doctor, so he's very successful,

but he's obsessed with food.

My Mom has him on a heart healthy diet.

So he's always telling me about his secret stashes

with all the seriousness of a POW.

(audience laughing)

Hey kid, (nasal snorting) I got some powdered donuts, yeah.

They're in the freezer underneath all the vegetable crap.

Joe, what are you whispering about, you've got powdered

sugar all over your face.

Oh (beep).

(audience laughing)

Run kid, run.

My sister is a Doctor, she's super successful.

She's always telling me about different, she's a

Pathologist, though I like to introduce her as,

this is my sister Sarah, she cuts up the dead into chunks.

(audience laughing)

She's my older sister, she always telling me about different

diseases she thinks I might have.

Okay, you know you have that one dark curly hair that

comes out of your neck. You've seen it right?

I am just trying to help you.

Okay, that one dark curly creepy disgusting, okay.

And your breasts are like really small, dude it's called

ptosis, it's a syndrome, you gotta get your hormones

checked or your gonna wake up and be covered in fur

like a werewolf.

(audience laughing)

Shut up Sarah.

Oh you shut up, (whispers) werewolf.

(audience laughing)

Sometimes in comedy, I'm usually by myself so,

I miss the comradery, I use to work as a secretary.

I miss office life.

Where you wanna go for lunch? What you wanna get for lunch?

Where you wanna go for lunch?

(audience laughing)

I get like a sandwich or something.

Ah, ah ah.

Or like a salad. Oh.

(audience laughing)

You know just some place where I can get a Diet Coke.

(shuddering sigh)

We could go to Quiznos.

(audience laughing)

Yes we could, Diet Pepsi, but yes we could.

(audience clapping)

I love the drama of the office.

Don't touch Donna's label-maker.

(audience laughs)

Okay.

Don't, don't even, don't.

(audience laughs)

Don't even look at it.

(audience laughs)

Why?

Because she bought it with her own money.

(audience laughing)

Enough said, sister.

Why don't you tell Donna to keep her mitts off my

freakin' tape dispenser.

She knows it's mine

'cause it's clearly labeled with my name,

oh.

(audience laughing)

Who stole my key lime pie Yoplait?

Did you eat my southwestern style Lean Cuisine?

(audience laughing)

Did you eat my half chocolate rabbit, I've been

gnawing on it for five years.

It's basically only half a head with an ear

and a baby blue ribbon wrapped around it.

(audience laughing)

(whispers) Yes

(audience laughing)

It took you to long, I had to scrabble it up in my chops.

The odds of falling in love with the perfect person

at the perfect time, are about the odds of I don't know.

Being discovered in Hollywood, wait a minute.

I asked a similarly desperate question

for many years, which was.

How do you make it in show business?

Do you move to San Diego and disguise yourself as a bush.

And what do famous people always say, they always say.

Well do you enjoy doing it?

Great, great.

Just keep doing and pretty soon you think wow,

this is what I do.

(audience laughing)

Just, best of luck.

Which turns out is profoundly true.

Is that what a relationship is?

Is it just showing up, I can do that.

I didn't realize it would be ambiguity, doubt

or confusion or at least the amount that there is

in a job.

Because people always say, once you've been doing something

a long time, oh I bet you always wanted to be,

you know, a comedian.

I did not want to do this show tonight.

(audience laughing)

My Mom is very religious

and she said, whatever you think about all the time,

that's what you worship.

Oh. (audience laughing)

If that's the case I want everyone to pop open their

Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of the People magazines.

(audience laughing)

In this holy scripture we read the parable of

Miss Valerie Bertinelli.

Once on television, then lost to pop culture,

now welcome back into the zeitgeist again.

And the worst dressed shall be the best dressed

and the best dressed shall be the worst dressed.

(audience laughing)

You got to believe in something though 'cause,

there is so much pressure these days.

You know, people are always asking things like,

what are you working on these days, what's going on for you,

what's your current project,

what's on your plate these days,

what's coming up for you, what's on the next page?

What are ya working on?

(audience laughing)

Oh, oh I'm done.

(audience laughing)

I'm finished early.

I'm actually living in a gravy boat.

(audience laughing)

Filled with tasty gravy.

(audience laughing)

Trying to bring the tension of reality shows

into my every day reality.

I just finished a full season of Project Runway

with my two dogs.

(audience laughing)

Blossom, (choking) you're funny and you're cute but,

you pee on everything.

But, (choking) you're blind, and then you put your butt

in our face and you fart.

(audience laughing)

Maria! (gasping) you say you're trying

but you're clearly, not.

(audience laughing)

Blossom you're in. Maria, you're out,

congratulations, Auf Wiedersehen, (smooch, smooch).

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)