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- I love the drama of the office.
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Don't touch Donna's label-maker.
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(audience laughs)
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Okay.
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Don't, don't even, don't.
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(audience laughs)
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Don't even look at it.
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(audience laughs)
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Why?
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Because she bought it with her own money.
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Enough said, sister.
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Why don't you tell Donna to keep her mitts off my
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freakin' tape dispenser.
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She knows it's mine
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'cause it's clearly labeled with my name,
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oh.
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(audience laughing)
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There's lots of pressure in our society to succeed.
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I'm always getting asked, you know, as a comedian,
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you know, when are you going on TV,
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you know, go on, I wanna, I wanna.
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I don't know when I'm gonna be on TV.
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Oh cool, what are you gonna be on TV.
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I'm right here, you know,
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if you put your hands like this,
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it's kinda like I'm on TV right?
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Is that pretty good, that's good,
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Oh come on, when were do.
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Dad! (snorting grunts)
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(nasal grunting)
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My Dad's just really a series of sound effects.
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(nasal grunting, snorting)
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(congested breathing)
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Everything okay over there Dad?
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Oh yeah. (gobbling noise)
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(audience laughing)
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My Dad, he's very, he's a Doctor, so he's very successful,
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but he's obsessed with food.
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My Mom has him on a heart healthy diet.
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So he's always telling me about his secret stashes
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with all the seriousness of a POW.
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(audience laughing)
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Hey kid, (nasal snorting) I got some powdered donuts, yeah.
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They're in the freezer underneath all the vegetable crap.
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Joe, what are you whispering about, you've got powdered
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sugar all over your face.
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Oh (beep).
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(audience laughing)
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Run kid, run.
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My sister is a Doctor, she's super successful.
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She's always telling me about different, she's a
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Pathologist, though I like to introduce her as,
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this is my sister Sarah, she cuts up the dead into chunks.
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(audience laughing)
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She's my older sister, she always telling me about different
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diseases she thinks I might have.
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Okay, you know you have that one dark curly hair that
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comes out of your neck. You've seen it right?
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I am just trying to help you.
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Okay, that one dark curly creepy disgusting, okay.
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And your breasts are like really small, dude it's called
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ptosis, it's a syndrome, you gotta get your hormones
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checked or your gonna wake up and be covered in fur
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like a werewolf.
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(audience laughing)
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Shut up Sarah.
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Oh you shut up, (whispers) werewolf.
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(audience laughing)
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Sometimes in comedy, I'm usually by myself so,
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I miss the comradery, I use to work as a secretary.
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I miss office life.
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Where you wanna go for lunch? What you wanna get for lunch?
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Where you wanna go for lunch?
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(audience laughing)
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I get like a sandwich or something.
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Ah, ah ah.
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Or like a salad. Oh.
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(audience laughing)
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You know just some place where I can get a Diet Coke.
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(shuddering sigh)
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We could go to Quiznos.
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(audience laughing)
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Yes we could, Diet Pepsi, but yes we could.
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(audience clapping)
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I love the drama of the office.
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Don't touch Donna's label-maker.
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(audience laughs)
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Okay.
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Don't, don't even, don't.
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(audience laughs)
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Don't even look at it.
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(audience laughs)
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Why?
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Because she bought it with her own money.
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(audience laughing)
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Enough said, sister.
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Why don't you tell Donna to keep her mitts off my
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freakin' tape dispenser.
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She knows it's mine
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'cause it's clearly labeled with my name,
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oh.
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(audience laughing)
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Who stole my key lime pie Yoplait?
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Did you eat my southwestern style Lean Cuisine?
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(audience laughing)
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Did you eat my half chocolate rabbit, I've been
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gnawing on it for five years.
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It's basically only half a head with an ear
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and a baby blue ribbon wrapped around it.
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(audience laughing)
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(whispers) Yes
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(audience laughing)
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It took you to long, I had to scrabble it up in my chops.
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The odds of falling in love with the perfect person
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at the perfect time, are about the odds of I don't know.
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Being discovered in Hollywood, wait a minute.
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I asked a similarly desperate question
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for many years, which was.
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How do you make it in show business?
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Do you move to San Diego and disguise yourself as a bush.
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And what do famous people always say, they always say.
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Well do you enjoy doing it?
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Great, great.
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Just keep doing and pretty soon you think wow,
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this is what I do.
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(audience laughing)
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Just, best of luck.
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Which turns out is profoundly true.
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Is that what a relationship is?
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Is it just showing up, I can do that.
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I didn't realize it would be ambiguity, doubt
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or confusion or at least the amount that there is
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in a job.
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Because people always say, once you've been doing something
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a long time, oh I bet you always wanted to be,
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you know, a comedian.
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I did not want to do this show tonight.
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(audience laughing)
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My Mom is very religious
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and she said, whatever you think about all the time,
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that's what you worship.
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Oh. (audience laughing)
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If that's the case I want everyone to pop open their
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Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of the People magazines.
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(audience laughing)
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In this holy scripture we read the parable of
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Miss Valerie Bertinelli.
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Once on television, then lost to pop culture,
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now welcome back into the zeitgeist again.
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And the worst dressed shall be the best dressed
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and the best dressed shall be the worst dressed.
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(audience laughing)
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You got to believe in something though 'cause,
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there is so much pressure these days.
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You know, people are always asking things like,
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what are you working on these days, what's going on for you,
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what's your current project,
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what's on your plate these days,
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what's coming up for you, what's on the next page?
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What are ya working on?
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(audience laughing)
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Oh, oh I'm done.
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(audience laughing)
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I'm finished early.
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I'm actually living in a gravy boat.
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(audience laughing)
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Filled with tasty gravy.
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(audience laughing)
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Trying to bring the tension of reality shows
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into my every day reality.
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I just finished a full season of Project Runway
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with my two dogs.
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(audience laughing)
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Blossom, (choking) you're funny and you're cute but,
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you pee on everything.
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But, (choking) you're blind, and then you put your butt
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in our face and you fart.
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(audience laughing)
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Maria! (gasping) you say you're trying
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but you're clearly, not.
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(audience laughing)
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Blossom you're in. Maria, you're out,
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congratulations, Auf Wiedersehen, (smooch, smooch).
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(audience laughing)
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(upbeat music)