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  • - I love the drama of the office.

  • Don't touch Donna's label-maker.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Okay.

  • Don't, don't even, don't.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Don't even look at it.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Why?

  • Because she bought it with her own money.

  • Enough said, sister.

  • Why don't you tell Donna to keep her mitts off my

  • freakin' tape dispenser.

  • She knows it's mine

  • 'cause it's clearly labeled with my name,

  • oh.

  • (audience laughing)

  • There's lots of pressure in our society to succeed.

  • I'm always getting asked, you know, as a comedian,

  • you know, when are you going on TV,

  • you know, go on, I wanna, I wanna.

  • I don't know when I'm gonna be on TV.

  • Oh cool, what are you gonna be on TV.

  • I'm right here, you know,

  • if you put your hands like this,

  • it's kinda like I'm on TV right?

  • Is that pretty good, that's good,

  • Oh come on, when were do.

  • Dad! (snorting grunts)

  • (nasal grunting)

  • My Dad's just really a series of sound effects.

  • (nasal grunting, snorting)

  • (congested breathing)

  • Everything okay over there Dad?

  • Oh yeah. (gobbling noise)

  • (audience laughing)

  • My Dad, he's very, he's a Doctor, so he's very successful,

  • but he's obsessed with food.

  • My Mom has him on a heart healthy diet.

  • So he's always telling me about his secret stashes

  • with all the seriousness of a POW.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Hey kid, (nasal snorting) I got some powdered donuts, yeah.

  • They're in the freezer underneath all the vegetable crap.

  • Joe, what are you whispering about, you've got powdered

  • sugar all over your face.

  • Oh (beep).

  • (audience laughing)

  • Run kid, run.

  • My sister is a Doctor, she's super successful.

  • She's always telling me about different, she's a

  • Pathologist, though I like to introduce her as,

  • this is my sister Sarah, she cuts up the dead into chunks.

  • (audience laughing)

  • She's my older sister, she always telling me about different

  • diseases she thinks I might have.

  • Okay, you know you have that one dark curly hair that

  • comes out of your neck. You've seen it right?

  • I am just trying to help you.

  • Okay, that one dark curly creepy disgusting, okay.

  • And your breasts are like really small, dude it's called

  • ptosis, it's a syndrome, you gotta get your hormones

  • checked or your gonna wake up and be covered in fur

  • like a werewolf.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Shut up Sarah.

  • Oh you shut up, (whispers) werewolf.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Sometimes in comedy, I'm usually by myself so,

  • I miss the comradery, I use to work as a secretary.

  • I miss office life.

  • Where you wanna go for lunch? What you wanna get for lunch?

  • Where you wanna go for lunch?

  • (audience laughing)

  • I get like a sandwich or something.

  • Ah, ah ah.

  • Or like a salad. Oh.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You know just some place where I can get a Diet Coke.

  • (shuddering sigh)

  • We could go to Quiznos.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Yes we could, Diet Pepsi, but yes we could.

  • (audience clapping)

  • I love the drama of the office.

  • Don't touch Donna's label-maker.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Okay.

  • Don't, don't even, don't.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Don't even look at it.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Why?

  • Because she bought it with her own money.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Enough said, sister.

  • Why don't you tell Donna to keep her mitts off my

  • freakin' tape dispenser.

  • She knows it's mine

  • 'cause it's clearly labeled with my name,

  • oh.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Who stole my key lime pie Yoplait?

  • Did you eat my southwestern style Lean Cuisine?

  • (audience laughing)

  • Did you eat my half chocolate rabbit, I've been

  • gnawing on it for five years.

  • It's basically only half a head with an ear

  • and a baby blue ribbon wrapped around it.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (whispers) Yes

  • (audience laughing)

  • It took you to long, I had to scrabble it up in my chops.

  • The odds of falling in love with the perfect person

  • at the perfect time, are about the odds of I don't know.

  • Being discovered in Hollywood, wait a minute.

  • I asked a similarly desperate question

  • for many years, which was.

  • How do you make it in show business?

  • Do you move to San Diego and disguise yourself as a bush.

  • And what do famous people always say, they always say.

  • Well do you enjoy doing it?

  • Great, great.

  • Just keep doing and pretty soon you think wow,

  • this is what I do.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Just, best of luck.

  • Which turns out is profoundly true.

  • Is that what a relationship is?

  • Is it just showing up, I can do that.

  • I didn't realize it would be ambiguity, doubt

  • or confusion or at least the amount that there is

  • in a job.

  • Because people always say, once you've been doing something

  • a long time, oh I bet you always wanted to be,

  • you know, a comedian.

  • I did not want to do this show tonight.

  • (audience laughing)

  • My Mom is very religious

  • and she said, whatever you think about all the time,

  • that's what you worship.

  • Oh. (audience laughing)

  • If that's the case I want everyone to pop open their

  • Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of the People magazines.

  • (audience laughing)

  • In this holy scripture we read the parable of

  • Miss Valerie Bertinelli.

  • Once on television, then lost to pop culture,

  • now welcome back into the zeitgeist again.

  • And the worst dressed shall be the best dressed

  • and the best dressed shall be the worst dressed.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You got to believe in something though 'cause,

  • there is so much pressure these days.

  • You know, people are always asking things like,

  • what are you working on these days, what's going on for you,

  • what's your current project,

  • what's on your plate these days,

  • what's coming up for you, what's on the next page?

  • What are ya working on?

  • (audience laughing)

  • Oh, oh I'm done.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I'm finished early.

  • I'm actually living in a gravy boat.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Filled with tasty gravy.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Trying to bring the tension of reality shows

  • into my every day reality.

  • I just finished a full season of Project Runway

  • with my two dogs.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Blossom, (choking) you're funny and you're cute but,

  • you pee on everything.

  • But, (choking) you're blind, and then you put your butt

  • in our face and you fart.

  • (audience laughing)