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  • >> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY!

  • HELLO!

  • AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M STEPHEN COLBRRRRR!

  • I'M A FREED COMEDIAN.

  • WE ARE BROADCASTING FROM ICE STATION ZEBRA, HIGH ATOP THE ED

  • SULLIVAN THEATER, WHERE I HAVE BEEN HUNKERED DOWN FOR THE LAST

  • 24 HOURS.

  • THIS IS TRUE: I ACTUALLY SPENT THE NIGHT IN MY OFFICE BECAUSE

  • ALL NON-ESSENTIAL VEHICLES WERE FORBIDDEN TO TAKE TO THE STREETS

  • OF NEW YORK.

  • I HAVE NOT LEFT THE BUILDING THIS ENTIRE TIME, I DON'T KNOW

  • IF THERE'S ANYTHING LEFT ALIVE BESIDES ME.

  • FOR ALL I KNOW THE ARCTIC TUNDRA OUTSIDE THIS BUILDING IS BEING

  • RULED BY MARAUDING ICE TRIBES WHOSE ECONOMY IS BASED ON

  • BARTERING HOT CHOCOLATE AND MARSHMALLOWS, RULED BY THEIR

  • FEARSOME SWISS MISTRESS.

  • THE EAST COAST, FROM BOSTON TO WASHINGTON, D.C., IS PARALYZED.

  • MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE TRAPPED IN THEIR HOUSES, BUT FOR A

  • DIFFERENT REASON, NOW.

  • MERE IN NEW YORK CITY, IT HAS BEEN COMING DOWN FOR 24 HOURS,

  • EXPECTED TO CONTINUE THROUGH WEDNESDAY MORNING, BY THE TIME

  • IT'S OVER WE'RE LOOKING AT NEARLY TWO FEET OF SNOW.

  • NEW YORKERS: IF YOU'RE CAUGHT OUTSIDE, UNTIL YOU CAN GET TO

  • SHELTER, REMEMBER: AS A LAST RESORT, YOU CAN ALWAYS STAY WARM

  • BY SLICING OPEN MAYOR DE BLASIO AND CRAWLING INSIDE.

  • SOME FOLKS FOUND THE FUN IN THE BLIZZARD.

  • THE STORM HIT CHICAGO FIRST, WHERE ONE FELLA SNOWBOARDED

  • WHILE GETTING PULLED BY A CAR.

  • HERE IN NEW YORK, SOME PEOPLE TOOK TO THE STREETS IN THEIR

  • CROSS COUNTRY SKIS.

  • AND IN D.C., THERE WAS A SNOWBALL FIGHT ON THE NATIONAL

  • MALL, AND NOBODY BROUGHT ZIP TIES.

  • IT'S THE SECOND TIME IN FOUR WEEKS THAT THE CAPITOL'S BEEN

  • OVERWHELMED BY A STORM OF WHITENESS.

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST HUMANS, AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS DELIGHTFUL

  • FOOTAGE OF GIANT PANDAS AT THE NATIONAL ZOO.

  • LOOK AT THAT!

  • THEY'RE JUST LIKE US: HAVING FUN IN THE SNOW, STUCK IN CAPTIVITY

  • NOT BREEDING.

  • OF COURSE, NO COVERAGE OF A BLIZZARD IS COMPLETE WITHOUT

  • SOMEONE REPORTING FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE SNOWSTORM, SO

  • LET'S CHECK IN WITH "THE LATE SHOW'S" CHIEF METEOROLOGIST

  • LIVE ON THE ROOF OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, STEPHEN

  • COLBERT.

  • STEPHEN, HOW ARE THINGS LOOKING UP THERE, MY FRIEND?

  • WELL, STEVE, IT'S COLD AND SNOWY.

  • HONESTLY, YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE UP HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, YOU

  • COULD JUST LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW.

  • I WOULD, BUT THE WINDOWS ON SET ARE JUST TV SCREENS.

  • WELL, CHANGE THEM TO STATIC, AND YOU'LL GET THE IDEA.

  • OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

  • WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF SNOW!

  • YEP.

  • CAN I COME DOWN FROM THE ROOF NOW?

  • NO, YOU CAN'T.

  • WELL, WHAT IF I MADE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE, INTRODUCED YOU TO MY

  • FRIEND BENJAMIN HERE?

  • CHECK INSIDE YOUR POCKETS, STEVE.

  • OH, I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.

  • C'MON DOWN, I'LL POUR YOU A DRINK.

  • MAKE IT A DOUBLE!

  • THANK YOU, STEPHEN!

  • NOW, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, JOE BIDEN TALKED A LOT ABOUT

  • REACHING ACROSS THE AISLE.

  • AND AS WE'RE TAPING THIS, HE IS DISCUSSING A COMPROMISE PROPOSAL

  • WITH TEN REPUBLICAN SENATORS HE INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE, LED

  • BY MAINE SENATOR SUSAN COLLINS, SEEN HERE HAVING THE TIME OF HER

  • LIFE.

  • THE G.O.P.'S COMPROMISE OFFER TO THE BIDEN PLAN IS THE SAME WAY A

  • PACK OF WOLVES COMPROMISES WITH AN ABSENTMINDED

  • CARIBOU.

  • YOU SEE, BIDEN'S COVID RESCUE PLAN, WHICH COVERS BIGGER

  • STIMULUS CHECKS, MORE AID FOR THE UNEMPLOYED, THE HUNGRY AND

  • THOSE FACING EVICTION, ADDITIONAL SUPPORT FOR SMALL

  • BUSINESSES, STATES AND LOCAL GOVERNMENTS, INCREASED FUNDING

  • FOR VACCINATIONS AND TESTING, AT A PRICE TAG OF $1.9 TRILLION,

  • WHILE THE REPUBLICANS ONLY WANT TO COVER SOME OF THAT FOR $600

  • BILLION.

  • THAT'S NOT MEETIN' YA HALFWAY.

  • THAT'S NOT EVEN MEETIN' YA THIRDWAY.

  • AMERICA IS DROWNING 100 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE, AND

  • REPUBLICANS ARE SAYING, "OKAY.

  • HERE'S OUR COMPROMISE.

  • INSTEAD, WE DROWN 60 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE.

  • AT LEAST THEY CAN SEE US WAVING!"

  • IT'S A NICE GESTURE FOR JOE TO MEET WITH THEM, BUT JOE'S

  • CLEARLY NOT PLAYING AROUND.

  • LOOK WHAT HE JUST DID TO WEST VIRGINIA DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AND

  • FNNIEST GUY AT THE CAR DEALERSHIP, JOE MANCHIN.

  • MANCHIN HAS BEEN DRAGGING HIS FEET ON BIDEN'S COVID RELIEF

  • DEAL.

  • SO, WITHOUT TELLING MANCHIN, BIDEN SENT KAMALA HARRIS TO

  • APPEAR ON LOCAL WEST VIRGINIA NEWS TO SAY "YOU'RE HARD

  • WORKING, YOU DESERVE THIS RELIEF PACKAGE, JOE MANCHIN DOESN'T

  • WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU."

  • MANCHIN WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH NUT-PUNCH.

  • >> I SAW IT.

  • I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

  • NO ONE CALLED ME.

  • WE'RE GONNA TRY TO FIND A BIPARTISAN PATH FOR IT, I THINK

  • WE NEED TO, BUT WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER.

  • THAT'S NOT A WAY OF WORKING TOGETHER, WHAT WAS DONE.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, HE WANTS EVERYONE TO WORK TOGETHER TO

  • MAKE SURE AMERICANS GET LESS COVID RELIEF.

  • HE'S STANDING OUTSIDE CONGRESS WITH THAT SIGN: "WILL WORK FOR

  • GETTING YOU LESS FOOD."

  • ONE OF THE CHALLENGES FOR JAMMING SOME UNUM UP OUR E

  • PLURIBUS IS NEXT WEEK'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

  • I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF

  • "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."

  • >> YOO HOOOO!

  • YOO HOOOO!

  • (ROARING) >> STEPHEN: THE SENATE TRIAL

  • BEGINS A WEEK FROM TOMORROW, AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS A

  • LITTLE BEHIND ON PREPARATION.

  • BECAUSE ON SATURDAY WE LEARNED ALL FIVE ATTORNEYS WORKING ON

  • HIS DEFENSE LEFT THE TEAM.

  • ALL FIVE LAWYERS.

  • LAWYERS.

  • THERE WAS SOMETHING LAWYERS WOULDN'T DO FOR MONEY.

  • THAT IS RATS FLEEING A SINKING RAT.

  • A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE E-PRESIDENT DESCRIBED IT AS A

  • "MUTUAL DECISION."

  • YEAH, TOTALLY MUTUAL!

  • "NO, CAROL DIDN'T DIVORCE ME.

  • WE DIVORCED ME!

  • WE ALSO AGREED THAT THE LAWN WAS THE BEST PLACE FOR ALL MY

  • SHIRTS."

  • IT LOOKS LIKE THE BREAK-UP HAPPENED AFTER THE EX-PRES. TOLD

  • THE LAWYERS NOT TO ARGUE THAT IT WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO IMPEACH

  • HIM FOR INSURRECTION AFTER HE LEFT OFFICE, BUT INSTEAD

  • ARGUE THAT "THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM."

  • AH, THE BRILLIANT LEGAL STRATEGY OF POINTING OUT TO THE JURY HOW

  • MOTIVATED YOU WERE TO COMMIT THE CRIME.

  • "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I INTEND TO PROVE THAT MY

  • CLIENT CAN'T BE GUILTY OF MURDER BY ESTABLISHING JUST HOW

  • STABBABLE HER HUSBAND WAS.

  • LOOK AT THAT JUICY TORSO!" I'M SORRY.

  • WHAT?

  • OH, HE'S DEAD.

  • I FORGOT.

  • SO, ON SUNDAY THE FORMER PRESIDENT CRUISED SOME DARK

  • ALLEYS OF THE LEGAL WORLD AND SCRAPED UP TWO NEW LAWYERS:

  • CRIMINAL LITIGATOR AND MAN ADDICTED TO S.P.F. 1,000, DAVID

  • SCHOEN, AND FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY AND SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

  • WAITING FOR KIDS TO STOP BOOING BRUCE CASTOR.

  • THESE GUYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

  • WHEN HE WAS A PENNSYLVANIA D.A.

  • IN 2005, CASTOR DECLINED TO PROSECUTE BILL COSBY AS PART OF

  • A "SECRET AGREEMENT."

  • ALTHOUGH IT IS POSSIBLE CASTOR DIDN'T KNOW, AND COSBY JUST

  • DROPPED THE AGREEMENT INTO HIS DRINK.

  • MEANWHILE, DAYS BEFORE JEFFREY EPSTEIN DIED, SCHOEN ACTUALLY

  • MET WITH THE ACCUSED CHILD SEX TRAFFICKER ABOUT "JOINING HIS

  • DEFENSE."

  • MY GOD, WHO WOULD HIRE JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S DEFENSE LAWYER?

  • OH, JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S WINGMAN?

  • THAT MAKES SENSE.

  • IT'S NO SURPRISE THE OLD POTUS WANTS TO KEEP PUSHING HIS

  • ELECTION FRAUD FRAUD.

  • ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," THE FORMER

  • ADMINISTRATION KNEW BIDEN WAS THE WINNER BY THURSDAY THE 12TH

  • OF NOVEMBER.

  • SO, FIVE DAYS LATER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD, BUT

  • STILL, HE KNEW IT WAS A LIE.

  • HE KNEW WE KNEW IT WAS LIE.

  • HE KNEW WE KNEW HE KNEW IT WAS A LIE.

  • BUT HE KEPT IT UP ANYWAY.

  • IT'S THE ELECTORAL EQUIVALENT OF HIS BRONZER.

  • WE CAN SEE YOUR EARS!

  • WE KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE COLOR OF DYING E.T.

  • THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A TOUGH TIME FOR THE MAGA CROWD,

  • ESPECIALLY BELIEVERS OF QANON, THE DERANGED INTERNET MOB

  • PREACHING THAT ELITE DEMOCRATS, GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS, AND

  • CELEBRITIES ARE PART OF A CANNIBALISTIC, CHILD

  • SEX-TRAFFICKING CULT, AND THE EX-PRESIDENT WAS THE HERO

  • DESTINED TO STOP THEM.

  • OH, WELL.

  • Q PEOPLE, IF YOU'RE STILL LOOKING FOR A SAVIOR, CAN I

  • INTEREST YOU IN A MUCH NICER MESSIAH WHO ALSO HUNG OUT WITH

  • PROSTITUTES BUT MIGHT ACTUALLY COME BACK ONE DAY?

  • EVER SINCE THE DICTATOR SLUNK OFF TO MAR-A-GULAG-O, Q FOLK

  • HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND BIDEN'S INAUGURATION,

  • WHICH MANY BELIEVE WAS A DEEPFAKE.

  • YES, IT WAS ALL STAGED ON A GREEN SCREEN.

  • AND, IN REALITY, BERNIE WAS JUST A TENNIS BALL ON A STICK.

  • OVER THE WEEKEND, ANDERSON COOPER INTERVIEWED ONE FORMER

  • Q-SADER WHO MADE A TROUBLING CONFESSION:

  • >> DID YOU AT THE TIME BELIEVE THAT DEMOCRATS, HIGH LEVEL

  • DEMOCRATS AND CELEBRITIES WERE WORSHIPPING SATAN, DRINKING THE

  • BLOOD OF CHILDREN?

  • >> ANDERSON, I THOUGHT YOU DID THAT.

  • AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT RIGHT NOW, SO I

  • APOLOGIZE FOR THINKING THAT YOU ATE BABIES.

  • BUT, YEAH, 100%.

  • >> BUT YOU ACTUALLY-- YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT I WAS

  • DRINKING THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN?

  • >> YES, I DID.

  • >> STEPHEN: NOW, WHAT ON EARTH MAKES ANYONE BELIEVE THAT

  • ANDERSON COOPER WAS DRINKING THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN

  • OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT ANDERSON COOPER HAS NEVER AGED?

  • BUT THAT WASN'T ALL Q FOLKS BELIEVED ABOUT THE SILVER SURFER

  • OF CABLE NEWS.

  • >> WAS IT SOMETHING ABOUT ME THAT MADE YOU THINK THAT?

  • >> IT'S BECAUSE "Q" SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED YOU AND HE MENTIONED

  • YOU VERY EARLY ON.

  • HE MENTIONED YOU BY NAME, AND FROM THERE HE ALSO TALKED ABOUT,

  • LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW, FAMILY.

  • I'M GOING TO BE HONEST, LIKE, PEOPLE STILL TALK ABOUT THAT TO

  • THIS DAY.

  • THERE WERE POSTS ABOUT THAT JUST FOUR DAYS AGO, SOME PEOPLE

  • THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROBOT.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT ONE'S JUST INSANE.

  • ANDERSON COOPER'S NOT A ROBOT.

  • THAT'S CLEARLY THE BLITZ-BORG.

  • (AS WOLF BLITZER) "OTHERWISE.

  • WHY ELSE.

  • WOULD HE BE SO.

  • BAD.

  • AT.

  • MIMICKING.

  • HUMAN.

  • SPEECH?

  • ANDERSON."

  • BUT NOT EVERY INTERNET CRAZY IS GOING THROUGH AGONIZING

  • REAPPRAISAL.

  • CASE IN POINT, ON SATURDAY, ANTI-VAX PROTESTERS TEMPORARILY

  • SHUT DOWN THE COVID-19 VACCINATION SITE AT L.A.'S

  • DODGER STADIUM, DELAYING APPOINTMENTS BY NEARLY AN

  • HOUR.

  • NICE TRY, ANTI-VAXERS, BUT THESE ARE ANGELENOS.

  • THEY'RE NOT GOING TO QUIT BECAUSE YOU MADE 'EM WAIT 60

  • MINUTES!

  • IT TAKES TWO HOURS JUST TO CHANGE LANES ON THE 405.

  • THE PROTEST ORGANIZERS WANTED PEOPLE TO BE OPEN TO THEIR

  • MESSAGE, SO THEY URGED ATTENDEES TO "REFRAIN FROM

  • WEARING MAGA ATTIRE AS WE WANT OUR STATEMENT TO RESONATE WITH

  • THE SHEEPLE."

  • "YEAH, THE ONES GETTING THE VACCINE ARE SHEEPLE.

  • NOW EVERYONE HIDE THE MATCHING HATS WE BOUGHT FROM OUR BANKRUPT

  • CASINO GOD-KING."

  • BUT DESPITE THE CALLS TO "RESONATE WITH THE SHEEPLE," THE

  • ACTUAL TONE OF THE PROTEST WAS A BIT MORE AGGRESSIVE, WITH

  • ANTI-VAXXERS BLOCKING THE STADIUM ENTRANCE AND HOLDING

  • SIGNS, LIKE "TELL BILL GATES TO GO VACCINATE HIMSELF" AND "SWAB

  • MY BUTT HOLE, I DARE YOU."

  • OKAY, THAT'S NOT A PROTEST.

  • THAT'S A CRY FOR HELP.

  • OR NBC IS RE-LAUNCHING "FEAR FACTOR."

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • MY GUEST IS ETHAN HAWK.

  • ETHAN HAWKE!

  • THAT'S A GREAT GUEST!

  • YEAH, HE IS.

  • MASK!

  • OH, SORRY.

  • WHEN WE RETURN, STAYING SAFE FOR YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY!

  • STICK AROUND.