HELLO!

AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M STEPHEN COLBRRRRR!

I'M A FREED COMEDIAN.

WE ARE BROADCASTING FROM ICE STATION ZEBRA, HIGH ATOP THE ED

SULLIVAN THEATER, WHERE I HAVE BEEN HUNKERED DOWN FOR THE LAST

24 HOURS.

THIS IS TRUE: I ACTUALLY SPENT THE NIGHT IN MY OFFICE BECAUSE

ALL NON-ESSENTIAL VEHICLES WERE FORBIDDEN TO TAKE TO THE STREETS

OF NEW YORK.

I HAVE NOT LEFT THE BUILDING THIS ENTIRE TIME, I DON'T KNOW

IF THERE'S ANYTHING LEFT ALIVE BESIDES ME.

FOR ALL I KNOW THE ARCTIC TUNDRA OUTSIDE THIS BUILDING IS BEING

RULED BY MARAUDING ICE TRIBES WHOSE ECONOMY IS BASED ON

BARTERING HOT CHOCOLATE AND MARSHMALLOWS, RULED BY THEIR

FEARSOME SWISS MISTRESS.

THE EAST COAST, FROM BOSTON TO WASHINGTON, D.C., IS PARALYZED.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE TRAPPED IN THEIR HOUSES, BUT FOR A

DIFFERENT REASON, NOW.

MERE IN NEW YORK CITY, IT HAS BEEN COMING DOWN FOR 24 HOURS,

EXPECTED TO CONTINUE THROUGH WEDNESDAY MORNING, BY THE TIME

IT'S OVER WE'RE LOOKING AT NEARLY TWO FEET OF SNOW.

NEW YORKERS: IF YOU'RE CAUGHT OUTSIDE, UNTIL YOU CAN GET TO

SHELTER, REMEMBER: AS A LAST RESORT, YOU CAN ALWAYS STAY WARM

BY SLICING OPEN MAYOR DE BLASIO AND CRAWLING INSIDE.

SOME FOLKS FOUND THE FUN IN THE BLIZZARD.

THE STORM HIT CHICAGO FIRST, WHERE ONE FELLA SNOWBOARDED

WHILE GETTING PULLED BY A CAR.

HERE IN NEW YORK, SOME PEOPLE TOOK TO THE STREETS IN THEIR

CROSS COUNTRY SKIS.

AND IN D.C., THERE WAS A SNOWBALL FIGHT ON THE NATIONAL

MALL, AND NOBODY BROUGHT ZIP TIES.

IT'S THE SECOND TIME IN FOUR WEEKS THAT THE CAPITOL'S BEEN

OVERWHELMED BY A STORM OF WHITENESS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST HUMANS, AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS DELIGHTFUL

FOOTAGE OF GIANT PANDAS AT THE NATIONAL ZOO.

LOOK AT THAT!

THEY'RE JUST LIKE US: HAVING FUN IN THE SNOW, STUCK IN CAPTIVITY

NOT BREEDING.

OF COURSE, NO COVERAGE OF A BLIZZARD IS COMPLETE WITHOUT

SOMEONE REPORTING FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE SNOWSTORM, SO

LET'S CHECK IN WITH "THE LATE SHOW'S" CHIEF METEOROLOGIST

LIVE ON THE ROOF OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, STEPHEN

COLBERT.

STEPHEN, HOW ARE THINGS LOOKING UP THERE, MY FRIEND?

WELL, STEVE, IT'S COLD AND SNOWY.

HONESTLY, YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE UP HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, YOU

COULD JUST LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW.

I WOULD, BUT THE WINDOWS ON SET ARE JUST TV SCREENS.

WELL, CHANGE THEM TO STATIC, AND YOU'LL GET THE IDEA.

OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF SNOW!

YEP.

CAN I COME DOWN FROM THE ROOF NOW?

NO, YOU CAN'T.

WELL, WHAT IF I MADE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE, INTRODUCED YOU TO MY

FRIEND BENJAMIN HERE?

CHECK INSIDE YOUR POCKETS, STEVE.

OH, I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.

C'MON DOWN, I'LL POUR YOU A DRINK.

MAKE IT A DOUBLE!

THANK YOU, STEPHEN!

NOW, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, JOE BIDEN TALKED A LOT ABOUT

REACHING ACROSS THE AISLE.

AND AS WE'RE TAPING THIS, HE IS DISCUSSING A COMPROMISE PROPOSAL

WITH TEN REPUBLICAN SENATORS HE INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE, LED

BY MAINE SENATOR SUSAN COLLINS, SEEN HERE HAVING THE TIME OF HER

LIFE.

THE G.O.P.'S COMPROMISE OFFER TO THE BIDEN PLAN IS THE SAME WAY A

PACK OF WOLVES COMPROMISES WITH AN ABSENTMINDED

CARIBOU.

YOU SEE, BIDEN'S COVID RESCUE PLAN, WHICH COVERS BIGGER

STIMULUS CHECKS, MORE AID FOR THE UNEMPLOYED, THE HUNGRY AND

THOSE FACING EVICTION, ADDITIONAL SUPPORT FOR SMALL

BUSINESSES, STATES AND LOCAL GOVERNMENTS, INCREASED FUNDING

FOR VACCINATIONS AND TESTING, AT A PRICE TAG OF $1.9 TRILLION,

WHILE THE REPUBLICANS ONLY WANT TO COVER SOME OF THAT FOR $600

BILLION.

THAT'S NOT MEETIN' YA HALFWAY.

THAT'S NOT EVEN MEETIN' YA THIRDWAY.

AMERICA IS DROWNING 100 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE, AND

REPUBLICANS ARE SAYING, "OKAY.

HERE'S OUR COMPROMISE.

INSTEAD, WE DROWN 60 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE.

AT LEAST THEY CAN SEE US WAVING!"

IT'S A NICE GESTURE FOR JOE TO MEET WITH THEM, BUT JOE'S

CLEARLY NOT PLAYING AROUND.

LOOK WHAT HE JUST DID TO WEST VIRGINIA DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AND

FNNIEST GUY AT THE CAR DEALERSHIP, JOE MANCHIN.

MANCHIN HAS BEEN DRAGGING HIS FEET ON BIDEN'S COVID RELIEF

DEAL.

SO, WITHOUT TELLING MANCHIN, BIDEN SENT KAMALA HARRIS TO

APPEAR ON LOCAL WEST VIRGINIA NEWS TO SAY "YOU'RE HARD

WORKING, YOU DESERVE THIS RELIEF PACKAGE, JOE MANCHIN DOESN'T

WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU."

MANCHIN WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH NUT-PUNCH.

>> I SAW IT.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

NO ONE CALLED ME.

WE'RE GONNA TRY TO FIND A BIPARTISAN PATH FOR IT, I THINK

WE NEED TO, BUT WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER.

THAT'S NOT A WAY OF WORKING TOGETHER, WHAT WAS DONE.

>> STEPHEN: YES, HE WANTS EVERYONE TO WORK TOGETHER TO

MAKE SURE AMERICANS GET LESS COVID RELIEF.

HE'S STANDING OUTSIDE CONGRESS WITH THAT SIGN: "WILL WORK FOR

GETTING YOU LESS FOOD."

ONE OF THE CHALLENGES FOR JAMMING SOME UNUM UP OUR E

PLURIBUS IS NEXT WEEK'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF

"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."

>> YOO HOOOO!

YOO HOOOO!

(ROARING) >> STEPHEN: THE SENATE TRIAL

BEGINS A WEEK FROM TOMORROW, AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS A

LITTLE BEHIND ON PREPARATION.

BECAUSE ON SATURDAY WE LEARNED ALL FIVE ATTORNEYS WORKING ON

HIS DEFENSE LEFT THE TEAM.

ALL FIVE LAWYERS.

LAWYERS.

THERE WAS SOMETHING LAWYERS WOULDN'T DO FOR MONEY.

THAT IS RATS FLEEING A SINKING RAT.

A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE E-PRESIDENT DESCRIBED IT AS A

"MUTUAL DECISION."

YEAH, TOTALLY MUTUAL!

"NO, CAROL DIDN'T DIVORCE ME.

WE DIVORCED ME!

WE ALSO AGREED THAT THE LAWN WAS THE BEST PLACE FOR ALL MY

SHIRTS."

IT LOOKS LIKE THE BREAK-UP HAPPENED AFTER THE EX-PRES. TOLD

THE LAWYERS NOT TO ARGUE THAT IT WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO IMPEACH

HIM FOR INSURRECTION AFTER HE LEFT OFFICE, BUT INSTEAD

ARGUE THAT "THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM."

AH, THE BRILLIANT LEGAL STRATEGY OF POINTING OUT TO THE JURY HOW

MOTIVATED YOU WERE TO COMMIT THE CRIME.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I INTEND TO PROVE THAT MY

CLIENT CAN'T BE GUILTY OF MURDER BY ESTABLISHING JUST HOW

STABBABLE HER HUSBAND WAS.

LOOK AT THAT JUICY TORSO!" I'M SORRY.

WHAT?

OH, HE'S DEAD.

I FORGOT.

SO, ON SUNDAY THE FORMER PRESIDENT CRUISED SOME DARK

ALLEYS OF THE LEGAL WORLD AND SCRAPED UP TWO NEW LAWYERS:

CRIMINAL LITIGATOR AND MAN ADDICTED TO S.P.F. 1,000, DAVID

SCHOEN, AND FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY AND SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

WAITING FOR KIDS TO STOP BOOING BRUCE CASTOR.

THESE GUYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

WHEN HE WAS A PENNSYLVANIA D.A.

IN 2005, CASTOR DECLINED TO PROSECUTE BILL COSBY AS PART OF

A "SECRET AGREEMENT."

ALTHOUGH IT IS POSSIBLE CASTOR DIDN'T KNOW, AND COSBY JUST

DROPPED THE AGREEMENT INTO HIS DRINK.

MEANWHILE, DAYS BEFORE JEFFREY EPSTEIN DIED, SCHOEN ACTUALLY

MET WITH THE ACCUSED CHILD SEX TRAFFICKER ABOUT "JOINING HIS

DEFENSE."

MY GOD, WHO WOULD HIRE JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S DEFENSE LAWYER?

OH, JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S WINGMAN?

THAT MAKES SENSE.

IT'S NO SURPRISE THE OLD POTUS WANTS TO KEEP PUSHING HIS

ELECTION FRAUD FRAUD.

ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," THE FORMER

ADMINISTRATION KNEW BIDEN WAS THE WINNER BY THURSDAY THE 12TH

OF NOVEMBER.

SO, FIVE DAYS LATER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD, BUT

STILL, HE KNEW IT WAS A LIE.

HE KNEW WE KNEW IT WAS LIE.

HE KNEW WE KNEW HE KNEW IT WAS A LIE.

BUT HE KEPT IT UP ANYWAY.

IT'S THE ELECTORAL EQUIVALENT OF HIS BRONZER.

WE CAN SEE YOUR EARS!

WE KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE COLOR OF DYING E.T.

THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A TOUGH TIME FOR THE MAGA CROWD,

ESPECIALLY BELIEVERS OF QANON, THE DERANGED INTERNET MOB

PREACHING THAT ELITE DEMOCRATS, GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS, AND

CELEBRITIES ARE PART OF A CANNIBALISTIC, CHILD

SEX-TRAFFICKING CULT, AND THE EX-PRESIDENT WAS THE HERO

DESTINED TO STOP THEM.

OH, WELL.

Q PEOPLE, IF YOU'RE STILL LOOKING FOR A SAVIOR, CAN I

INTEREST YOU IN A MUCH NICER MESSIAH WHO ALSO HUNG OUT WITH

PROSTITUTES BUT MIGHT ACTUALLY COME BACK ONE DAY?

EVER SINCE THE DICTATOR SLUNK OFF TO MAR-A-GULAG-O, Q FOLK

HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND BIDEN'S INAUGURATION,

WHICH MANY BELIEVE WAS A DEEPFAKE.

YES, IT WAS ALL STAGED ON A GREEN SCREEN.

AND, IN REALITY, BERNIE WAS JUST A TENNIS BALL ON A STICK.

OVER THE WEEKEND, ANDERSON COOPER INTERVIEWED ONE FORMER

Q-SADER WHO MADE A TROUBLING CONFESSION:

>> DID YOU AT THE TIME BELIEVE THAT DEMOCRATS, HIGH LEVEL

DEMOCRATS AND CELEBRITIES WERE WORSHIPPING SATAN, DRINKING THE

BLOOD OF CHILDREN?

>> ANDERSON, I THOUGHT YOU DID THAT.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT RIGHT NOW, SO I

APOLOGIZE FOR THINKING THAT YOU ATE BABIES.

BUT, YEAH, 100%.

>> BUT YOU ACTUALLY-- YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT I WAS

DRINKING THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN?

>> YES, I DID.

>> STEPHEN: NOW, WHAT ON EARTH MAKES ANYONE BELIEVE THAT

ANDERSON COOPER WAS DRINKING THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN

OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT ANDERSON COOPER HAS NEVER AGED?

BUT THAT WASN'T ALL Q FOLKS BELIEVED ABOUT THE SILVER SURFER

OF CABLE NEWS.

>> WAS IT SOMETHING ABOUT ME THAT MADE YOU THINK THAT?

>> IT'S BECAUSE "Q" SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED YOU AND HE MENTIONED

YOU VERY EARLY ON.

HE MENTIONED YOU BY NAME, AND FROM THERE HE ALSO TALKED ABOUT,

LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW, FAMILY.

I'M GOING TO BE HONEST, LIKE, PEOPLE STILL TALK ABOUT THAT TO

THIS DAY.

THERE WERE POSTS ABOUT THAT JUST FOUR DAYS AGO, SOME PEOPLE

THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROBOT.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT ONE'S JUST INSANE.

ANDERSON COOPER'S NOT A ROBOT.

THAT'S CLEARLY THE BLITZ-BORG.

(AS WOLF BLITZER) "OTHERWISE.

WHY ELSE.

WOULD HE BE SO.

BAD.

AT.

MIMICKING.

HUMAN.

SPEECH?

ANDERSON."

BUT NOT EVERY INTERNET CRAZY IS GOING THROUGH AGONIZING

REAPPRAISAL.

CASE IN POINT, ON SATURDAY, ANTI-VAX PROTESTERS TEMPORARILY

SHUT DOWN THE COVID-19 VACCINATION SITE AT L.A.'S

DODGER STADIUM, DELAYING APPOINTMENTS BY NEARLY AN

HOUR.

NICE TRY, ANTI-VAXERS, BUT THESE ARE ANGELENOS.

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO QUIT BECAUSE YOU MADE 'EM WAIT 60

MINUTES!

IT TAKES TWO HOURS JUST TO CHANGE LANES ON THE 405.

THE PROTEST ORGANIZERS WANTED PEOPLE TO BE OPEN TO THEIR

MESSAGE, SO THEY URGED ATTENDEES TO "REFRAIN FROM

WEARING MAGA ATTIRE AS WE WANT OUR STATEMENT TO RESONATE WITH

THE SHEEPLE."

"YEAH, THE ONES GETTING THE VACCINE ARE SHEEPLE.

NOW EVERYONE HIDE THE MATCHING HATS WE BOUGHT FROM OUR BANKRUPT

CASINO GOD-KING."

BUT DESPITE THE CALLS TO "RESONATE WITH THE SHEEPLE," THE

ACTUAL TONE OF THE PROTEST WAS A BIT MORE AGGRESSIVE, WITH

ANTI-VAXXERS BLOCKING THE STADIUM ENTRANCE AND HOLDING

SIGNS, LIKE "TELL BILL GATES TO GO VACCINATE HIMSELF" AND "SWAB

MY BUTT HOLE, I DARE YOU."

OKAY, THAT'S NOT A PROTEST.

THAT'S A CRY FOR HELP.

OR NBC IS RE-LAUNCHING "FEAR FACTOR."

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUEST IS ETHAN HAWK.

ETHAN HAWKE!

THAT'S A GREAT GUEST!