on stage or off stage

'cause I don't like talking about things

I don't feel like I'm truly knowledgeable in.

But I do now this.

Our government is placed in charge of all of its people.

I'm a father who's been placed in charge of just one son.

And I lie to that nigger all the time.

(audience laughing) (upbeat instrumental music)

(audience cheering)

I'm happy in general.

My son just turned 10 years old.

(audience cheering)

Thank you.

(audience laughing)

It's been a pleasure watching him grow up

from a little bitty baby

(audience laughing)

into a 10 year old (beep) psychopath.

(audience laughing)

And you can chart his descent into madness

(audience laughing)

by how he's changed his stance on pinatas.

(audience laughing)

'Cause when he was a toddler, he was terrified of pinatas

(audience laughing)

and it was my job to vanquish them.

(audience laughing)

Now, he treats opinion like he's a mob boss from New Jersey

(audience laughing)

and Optimus Prime owes him several thousand dollars.

(audience laughing)

He works it across the knees for a little bit,

(audience laughing)

takes a break so he can kiss his mother

and pay some respect,

(audience laughing)

then he bashes in the skull

(audience laughing)

and I take pictures and post it on my Facebook.

(audience laughing)

So, my son is 10, which is wonderful.

He has autism, which can be difficult.

He's also a huge (beep).

(audience laughing)

(Ron giggling)

(audience laughing)

Some people don't like it when I call

my 10 year old disabled child an (beep).

(audience laughing)

To which I always respond,

"If you only use 30 words and your three favorite are,

"'More pancakes, biatch.'"

(audience laughing)

Actually, that's pretty cool.

(audience laughing)

(image whooshing)

I'm glad I moved to Oregon.

I got to try some things.

I now love and enjoy like ice coffees.

(audience laughing) - Yeah.

- Or white women.

Those of both great.

(audience cheering)

I'm just joking.

(audience laughing)

Coffee is gross.

(audience laughing)

Every time I drink any, I get really sick,

which leads me to believe I must be allergic to energy.

(audience laughing)

Which I later found out is not something you can put

on a medical marijuana application.

(audience laughing) - Yeah.

- I have a cousin that's very sensitive about racism.

He called me one day 'cause he was quite upset

that he went to a tuba recital where he was one

of only three Black tuba players,

(audience laughing)

and he thought that was racist.

(audience laughing)

And I wanted to agree,

(audience laughing)

but then I realized three Black tuba players

is a lot of fucking Black tuba players.

(audience laughing) (audience clapping)

it is about time someone said it.

(audience laughing)

If you see more than five Black tuba players

(audience laughing)

you're watching an OutKast video.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

It's been a wonderful year for me.

I recently turned 30.

(audience cheering) Thank you.

I like that I turned 30 'cause now I feel I'm gonna love

the things I enjoy until the day I die,

which is mostly ignorant rap music.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

If you can rhyme titties with titties

(audience laughing)

I will buy your album.

(audience laughing)

(image whooshing)

Like why do I always have to prove to a robot

that I'm not a robot?

(audience laughing)

Why do you even care?

(audience laughing)

Who puts you up to this, robot?

(audience laughing)

And how do you even want me to prove it?

With a captcha?

(audience laughing)

By putting in a series of random letters and numbers?

That sounds like something a robot would be pretty good at.

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

I don't go up to my toaster and be like,

"Hey, prove to me you not my friend Craig right now?"

(audience laughing)

"You looking a little Craig-like to me."

(audience laughing)

"Kinda acting like Craig."

(audience laughing)

"Turning my bread into toast,

"that's one of Craig's favorite thing."

(audience laughing)

"Oh, that is you, Craig!"

(audience laughing)

"You love sitting on kitchen counters, dude."

(audience laughing)

Now, there's just certain people I have no time for,

like if you're sexist or homophobic

or if you don't believe in conspiracy theories.

(audience laughing) (audience cheering)

I just don't understand how do you not believe

in any conspiracy theories.

I understand not all of them, not most of them,

but you don't believe in any conspiracy theories.

(audience laughing)

You just think the government's just batting a thousand

and telling us the whole truth.

(audience laughing)

That's a strong stance to take.

(audience laughing)

Again, as I said before, I don't like talking about politics

on stage or off stage

'cause I don't like talking about things

I don't feel like I'm truly knowledgeable in.

But I do know this.

Our government's placed in charge of all of its people.

I'm a father who's been placed in charge of just one son.

And I lie to that nigger all the time.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

(laughing) I just love conspiracy theories.

I have my whole life.

Make some up when I'm bored.

Why is it that every time you're getting ready to take off

on an airplane and the captain got on over the loudspeaker,

you always heard the same exact thing.

You always hear, "Thank you for choosing us.

"We know you have a lot of choices in the airline community

"and they all fucking suck, so thank you.

(audience laughing)

"We got a great crew on board for you this evening.

"Barbara's here.

(audience laughing)

"Oh, you gonna love you some Barbara.

(audience laughing)

"We even got pretty good weather conditions

"so I'm gonna do my best to get us in a few minutes early

"so that we can just sit on the runway

"for another half an hour.

(audience laughing)

"So just sit back and relax.

"Enjoy yourself.

"Oh, but hold up.

(audience laughing)

"If you don't turn off your phone,

(audience laughing)

"oh, I swear to God

(audience laughing)

"on the lives of Barbara's

(audience laughing)

"beautiful children,

(audience laughing)

"this plane will fall from the sky."

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

But now they're just like, "Oh, nevermind."

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)