- It means come live your life with me.

So what do you say?

- I mean, I..

(Rip chuckles)

I would like some diamonds, actually.

- So this is the segment of our show

where we play the game "Beth or Rip."

- This is a variety show, after all.

- We'll be right back.

(rock music)

Gentlemen.

- Come on!

(western music)

- I'll begin.

Who is cleaning the dishes

after dinner each night, Beth or Rip?

- I'll sit here in my jeans and I'll watch you do it.

What do you say?

- Rip. - Rip.

- A hundred percent.

- Who's doing the laundry?

- Rip. - Rip.

- Can I throw a wildcard in?

I think they're paying someone to do that.

- I love that.

- I don't think they're gonna be bothered to do that.

- It's just, really, we have Beth or Rip-

- Right, but Rip wears the same thing every day.

So Beth.

- Great point.

(chuckles) Rip hasn't done laundry in 10 years.

- So Beth.

- He is very domesticated.

- But if you want-

- He's got an apron, he's makin' breakfast-

- So he's gonna do all of her laundry?

- Yeah, and I think he likes it.

- You're a real Renaissance man, you know that?

- Don't tell anybody, now.

(beep)

- Who is most likely to rip the marriage apart

with an inter marital affair, Beth or Rip?

- If I was a man, I'd buy an apartment complex

and I'd fill it up with buxom little bunnies.

I'd start on the first floor Friday

and end up on the roof by Sunday.

- Would either of them commit that act

of profound cruelty? - At this point,

it would be..

not productive.

- You're saying that neither of those people

who have committed profound acts

of heinous violence- - Disagree. Beth.

- You think Beth. (beep)

- Who stocks the fridge with beer?

- Rip!

(beer sloshing)

- Feel better?

- Not yet.

- No, see there's this complete role reversal.

She does it for him.

It's one of the few things she does for him

that he would do that she, it's her language of love.

- I shoulda known it was you.

- It is. Because remember when they're on the porch

and they have that beer together?

That's something that she values.

- Who's cooking Sunday breakfast?

- Well, apparently- - Rip!

- Gator?

(Ian laughs)

- I mean, I guess Rip would do that

because he did cook breakfast for them already

in one scene when they woke up.

- Language of love.

- Coffee? (beep)

- Who's handling the household budgets?

I would obviously say Beth.

- Beth, yeah. - That's like, the super-

- The money mind.

- The stock will drop below 10,

SEC will suspend trading,

and every creditor you have will file on you.

Your company will be chapter 11 by Friday.

(dramatic music) (beep)

- Who's changing the bedsheets?

- Either of them might not care a whole lot.

- Are you sick?

- Do I look sick?

- You're in bed at noon.

- Rip. He's that still as his duty.

She does very specific languages.

- How long do you think he's gonna do that for her?

- For the rest of his life.

- Rip is pretty fastidiously clean.

Have you ever seen his shirt untucked?

- No, 'cause he doesn't take it off.

- Exactly. It's always tucked in like the hotel bed sheets.

(fists slamming)

(metal clanking)

- Yeah, we're not even sure if it's not stapled or glued.

- It's like that elastic paint or whatever

that they paint on the models.

- Oh yeah, like the body paint?

It's body paint. - Yeah, it's body paint.

- Just draw on the seams and- - Yeah.

- The Western, the little buttons.

- And then when he has to like,

have a scene with his shirt off,

they just contour over the body paint.

- Yeah, that's another layer of body paint.

- We've never actually seen Rip-

- They spackle him?

- Yeah.

- You know like, in old apartments

where they've clearly just painted over the paint

over and over again? - Yeah, that's what they do

when he has to take his shirt off.

- Are you trying to say that he looks like an old apartment?

- With his contour.

That's what he said.

I said contour.

- I'm gonna kill you with my bare fuckin' hands, Jimmy.

(beep) - Who does the food shopping?

- Rip.

If he's gonna cook it. - Rip, I think.

You don't see Beth eat a whole lot.

I feel like she's always skipping dinner.

- I don't think she's made it through a whole meal

since she was 11.

- She's always storming away-

- She's using her utensils to stab people with.

- Oh!

- (laughs) Exactly.

- I think she does.

I think she's the surgical.

She gathers all the information,

puts it down, and then he is left

to manipulate it and use it.

But it's up to her.

She does the programming.

- I have a plan for everything.

- But like, the shopping list is like, vodka and ice cream.

- Two scoops of ice cream.

Three shots of vodka.

(hand clapping) - I think I'm right on all,

I think I've successfully answered these correctly.

Yeah, I win.

- Clearly.

Without any debate.

He just wins. (rock music)