(upbeat music)

- Hey guys, welcome to "Stir Crazy."

The best thing to come out of 2020.

And yes, I know the bar is low.

You know my guest today from "Heroes,"

from "Star Trek," and his new Netflix film,

"The Boys in the Band," it's Zachary Quinto.

- Hey Josh, how are you?

- I'm doing all right.

We're surviving over here. I hope you are as well.

You look good. - Thanks, I feel good.

- You're enjoying an orange?

You're enjoying a-

- I'm enjoying an orange in the morning, yeah.

And there's my dog.

- Can you show us your pet?

(upbeat music)

- Adorable. - Hi buddy, say hi.

(dog growls) Okay.

He's a little growler, but it just means that he loves you.

And then this is the big guy, this is River.

- River you found relatively recently on the street, right?

- I found him in January, yeah,

before things went nuts.

He was unclaimed.

He had no tags or collar or a microchip or anything.

And so I gave him a home.

- It sounds like a very, very elaborate cover story

for you just wandering the streets

stealing people's pets like Cruella de Vil.

All right.

I'm excited to say Zach,

I have a new game just for you today.

We have never done this before,

because you have a lot of friends out there.

And we're going to get some clues, Zach.

And you were going to have to guess these video clues

who your mystery friend is.

- Okay.

- You ready? - This is exciting.

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- [Deep Voice] Zachary Quinto,

we've both traveled to similar parts of the world.

But not always at the same time.

- It's Matt Bomer.

- Okay, wait, for the record,

you believe that that shadowy figure,

that terrorist, I don't know who that was,

you claim that is Matt Bomer, the dreamy Matt Bomer?

- All right. Let's see clue number two.

- [Deep Voice] Zachary Quinto,

we've both told an "American Horror Story."

- Look, okay, maybe it's Matt Bomer.

He did appear on "American Horror Story,"

but it could be Lady Gaga.

It could be Kathy Bates. We don't know.

- Yeah.

I'm much closer with Matt Bomer than I am

with either Lady Gaga or Kathy Bates.

(laughing)

- All right.

Clue number three. Let's see if you're right.

- [Deep Voice] Zachary Quinto,

if a stone hits the water

and no one is there to see it

does it make ripples?

Ripples. (Zachary laughing)

Ripples. (laughing)

- So I have no idea what the fuck

Kathy Bates is talking about there.

Zach, what is that?

Is that Matt Bomer?

- Yeah, 1000%. - Let's see if you're right.

Let's see if you're right.

- Zach, it's Matt.

I hope this gave you a really good laugh and I love you

and I'll see you soon.

- What a lucky guess. - That's hilarious.

- Do I need to know something?

What the hell is he talking about?

- Well, Matt and I have known each other for,

I mean over 20 years.

(laughing) We've had a lot

of permutations of nicknames for one another.

(laughing)

And my current nickname for Matt is Ripples.

Matt's one of my favorite people.

That's very sweet of him to have made me laugh

as hard as he did.

- You ready for another challenge?

Another game? - Mm hmm.

I got my iced coffee.

I'm ready, I've moved on from my orange,

to my iced coffee.

- You are well caffeinated.

I'm gonna name the project you've been in.

You tell me the name of the character you were in.

I want to see if you know your own career.

(upbeat music)

- Feel confident? - I should feel confident,

but suddenly I don't. - "Touched By An Angel."

Who did you play in "Touched By An Angel"?

- I was like a construction worker.

I got that job on 9/11, 2001.

9/11 happens, we're in like a panic

and at like six o'clock that evening,

my manager calls and is like, "Well, you got it."

(laughing) And I was like,

What are you talking about?

She's like, "You booked it.

You booked Touched By An Angel."

And I was like, "Joan, what?" - Great?

- She's like, "You're leaving tonight."

I was like, "No, they're not. I'm not.

What are you talking about?"

My character's name in "Touched By An Angel"

was . . . - Mi . . .

- Michael, Michael. - Mike Dorin to be precise.

- Oh shit. - "That's Life."

Who did you play in "That's Life"?

- "That's Life."

Is that the one with Paul Sorvino?

- You tell me. (laughs) - I played,

and Ellen Burstyn.

- Oh. - Come on,

the great Ellen Burstyn and Paul Sorino.

I played a school mascot.

I played a chicken.

- Well, the chicken is credited as being "Sleazy Guy."

- Oh my God. Why?

- What about "Lizzie McGuire"?

You were credited as- - Yeah, the director?

- Director, see, that's the one

you got. - Yeah, director.

These are haunting. These are haunting.

- "Six Feet Under"? - Art student.

I was credited as a- - Hip student.

You were a hip student. - I was hip student, yep.

- What about "Charmed"? - Warlock.

(laughs)

That was like the beta test for like "Heroes," basically.

That was like the,

it's like the precursor to Sylar.

- And, finally "Girls."

- Ace. - There you go.

That's a legit. - That's easy to remember.

That, um, (laughs) that I'm proud of.

- I also love that we've been going so long

that we're on our second orange.

- We're gonna move on to another orange.

- Harold is very memorable character you play in

"Boys in the Band."

Has a very memorable hairstyle

and it continues your hair journey throughout your career

of interesting hairstyles.

- Yeah, it's true.

- Which one of your modified looks over the years

has affected your own personal life the most?

- Yeah, shaving my eyebrows

for months on end when I'm doing a "Star Trek" movie

is certainly the most intrusive kind of like, you know,

burdensome alteration that I need to make,

especially when you have eyebrows like this.

And it's not even like I shave them all.

I shave like that much.

So it looks like that.

You know, when I walk around like that for five months

or whatever it is

I always am like, I'm in a movie, what can I tell you?

And by now I think people get it, you know?

But we'll see.

Who knows if I'll ever have to do that again.

- It is time to confide in each other secret truths.

This, Zach, is Quarantined Confessions.

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- My name is actually Zachary Sexto.

Quinto is fifth Spanish, sexto is sixth.

- My toilet broke six weeks ago.

I've been holding everything in ever since.

- My publicist told me I was going to be on "Hot Ones,"

where the fuck are the wings?

- Sometimes I go to Starbucks and say my name is Dave

because I'm a goddamn rebel.

- My password to everything is Spock1234.

Gross. (laughing)

- Some would you rather questions for you,

some provocative questions. - Love it.

- Ready? - Love it, I love it.

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- Would you rather have permanent Spock eyebrows

or no eyebrows at all?

- No eyebrows at all.

- Would you rather have dog breath

for the rest of your life or never pet a dog again?

- (gasps) Oh God.

I mean, would I be able to like use tools

to control my dog breath?

Like, can I brush my teeth?

- It's so powerful that no toothpaste can control it.

Sorry. - I would never not be able

to pet a dog for the rest of my life.

So I'm gonna take dog breath for the rest of my life.

- Fair enough.

We're gonna get the surgeons on it.

Would you, I know you like to play banjo.

Would you rather have banjos instead of arms

or a banjo shaped body?

(laughing) - What?

I mean I think I would need to have the banjo shaped body

because you can't play a banjo with a banjo.

- Right, it'd be like clanking against each other.

Yeah, yeah. - My banjo there.

- Oh, nice.

Would you rather legally change your name to Sylar Spock

or Frank Phartface?

- I mean, I guess I have to say Sylar Spock,

but like, that's- - Oh wow.

Oh, that's. - You think I'm gonna change

my name to Frank Phartface?

- Well, Phartface is with a "PH," it's not an "F."

- You didn't tell me that. - Yeah, yeah.

It's French. (laughing)

This is the Dakota Johnson Memorial Question.

She posed this to me on previous episode.

Would you rather have a mouthful of bees

or one bee in your butt?

- In your butt or like, just like around your butt,

like in your butt crack?

- I think it's inside of you.

- Inside your butt hole? (laughing)

I think I'm gonna see what it feels like

to have a bee in my butt.

Something tells me it's not gonna last long up there.

Do you know what I mean?

- Over the years, have you gotten strange kind of,

particularly strange requests, given like the sci-fi roles?

Like, do you get like the,

like oh, I would pay you a million dollars

to officiate my wedding as Spock?

- I would 100% do that, so please, please bring them.

I will do my own hair and makeup.

I will go wherever you're getting married.

For a million dollars, are you kidding me?

What do I have to lose?

- It's not even a question it's like,

- No! - It's like, uh, yeah.

- I should start that business, actually.

I should initiate that myself. (laughing)

- We have discovered so much about you today.

I thought I knew everything there was

to know about Zachary Quinto, but now I know

that you love bees in your butt

and I know that you will perform weddings as Spock

for a million dollars - For sure.

Starting at a million. - Okay.

- That's my starting rate.

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