I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT IN A ROLL-NECK SWEATER

TONIGHT.

I LOOK COMFORTABLE... TO SIT ON.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO GET SOME GOOD NEWS.

IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.

THIS MORNING, THE GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATIONS WERE ANNOUNCED, AND

OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE WAS NOMINATED FOR A GOLDEN GLOBE,

ALONG WITH TRENT REZNOR AND ATTICUS ROSS, FOR THE SCORE TO

THE MOVIE "SOUL"!

HELL, YES!

IF YOU HAVEN'T-- IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD IT, THAT SCORE IS TOW

BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S GOT SO MUCH...WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR...

HEART?

MOXIE?

IT WILL COME TO ME.

ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS, JON, WELL DESERVED.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN GLOBES HISTORY MORE OF ITS BEST

DIRECTOR NOMS WENT TO WOMEN THAN TO MEN.

IT'S THE GREATEST SHOW OF SUPPORT THE ENTERTAINMENT

INDUSTRY HAS GIVEN TO WOMEN SINCE MONDAY, WHEN SOMEONE TRIED

TO CHANGE THE SIGN TO HOLLYBOOB.

SOME GLARING SNUBS, INCLUDING A COMPLETE SHUTOUT IN THE BEST

DRAMA CATEGORY FOR BLACK-LED FILMS LIKE SPIKE LEE'S

"DA 5 BLOODS" AND GEORGE C.

WOLFE'S "MA RAINEY'S BLACK BOTTOM."

ONCE AGAIN, BLACK FILMMAKERS GET THE SHAFT, WHICH IS DOUBLY

INSULTING, SINCE THERE'S ALREADY AT LEAST FIVE "SHAFTS"!

MY CBS "LATE NIGHT" COLLEAGUE AND ONE OF THE STARS OF "THE

PROM," JAMES CORDEN, ALSO EARNED A BEST ACTOR NOD.

THOUGH IT SHOCKED SOME PEOPLE THAT HIS COSTAR, MERYL STREEP,

WAS SNUBBED.

THAT ONE I UNDERSTAND: MERYL WASN'T SNUBBED.

SHE'S ACTUALLY PLAYING HER PART AND JAMES CORDEN IN "THE PROM."

SHE'S THAT GOOD!

REGARDLESS, CONGRATULATIONS, JAMES!

BUT AS BIG A DEAL AS THE GOLDEN GLOBES ARE, I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO

CONGRATULATE ALL OF MY WRITERS, BECAUSE TODAY, THEY RECEIVED TWO

WRITERS GUILD NOMINATIONS-- ONE FOR THIS SHOW THAT WE DO EVERY

NIGHT, AND ONE FOR OUR ELECTION SPECIAL.■ç

WELL DESERVED.

YOU GUYS ARE THE PROS FROM DOVER.

AND THIS YEAR, I WILL BE ATTENDING THE AWARDS CEREMONY,

AS I ALWAYS DO, FROM HOME.

IN THE LESS-GLAMOROUS WORLD OF "THE WORLD," WASHINGTON IS IN

THE GRIPS OF WHAT SOME ARE CALLING THE G.O.P. CIVIL WAR.

IT'S LIKE THE FIRST CIVIL WAR, BUT THIS TIME, BOTH SIDES USE

THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.

NOW, IT'S A BATTLE THAT PITS TRADITIONAL REPUBLICANS LIKE

SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN CHEATING ON HIS DIET WITH HIS

UPPER LIP, MITCH MCCONNELL, AGAINST THE QANON CONSPIRACY

WING LED BY GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR

GREENE, SEEN HERE BEING PRO-LIFE.

HOUSE DEMOCRATS ARE PREPARING TO VOTE TOMORROW ON WHETHER TO

STRIP GREENE OF HER COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS BECAUSE SHE'S A

FOLLOWER OF THE QANON CONSPIRACY AND HAS ALSO SAID THINGS LIKE

MUSLIMS DON'T BELONG IN GOVERNMENT.

9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB.

THE SHOOTINGS AT PARKLAND, SANDY HOOK, AND HAS BLAMED WILDFIRES

ON A SECRET JEWISH SPACE LASER.

COME ON!

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

IF THERE WERE A JEWISH SPACE LASER, WOULD MEL GIBSON STILL

BE?

THIS AFTER IT WAS ANNOUNCED NO ACTION WOULD BE TAKEN AGAINST

GREENE BY HOUSE MINORITY LEADER MAN IN THE POST-TACO BELL BLAST

ZONE, KEVIN MCCARTHY.

BUT FOLLOWING MCCONNELL'S LEAD, SENATE REPUBLICANS ARE

DISTANCING THEMSELVES FROM GREENE.

INDIANA SENATOR TODD YOUNG CALLED HER "NUTTY" AND "AN

EMBARRASSMENT."

AND MITT ROMNEY SAID, "OUR BIG TENT IS NOT LARGE ENOUGH TO BOTH

ACCOMMODATE CONSERVATIVES AND KOOKS."

YES, ONLY ONE TENT CAN DO THAT: BARNUM & BAILEY'S "CONSERVATIVES

AND KOOKS" FREAK SHOW, FEATURING THE TWO-HEADED REAGAN!

THE WORLD'S STRONGEST NIXON,■ç AND, OF COURSE, MOST FREAKISH OF

ALL, THE HALF-MAN, THE HALF-GAETZ.

HE WALKS, HE TALKS, ME WALKS ON HIS BELLY LIKE A REPTILE.

NO PHOTOGRAPHS.

HE IS ALIVE.

PLEASE, NO PREGNANT WOMEN.

NO BREAST-FEEDING MOTHERS.

YOUR MILK MAY CURDLE IN THE TEET.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS A CARNEY FOR A WHILE?

I WAS A CARNEY BARKER.

EVERYONE HAS ONE OF THESE JOBS.

YOU DON'T GET ONE OF THESE JOBS WITHOUT WORKING AS A CARNEY FOR

A WHILE.

WHERE ARE WE?

OH, IN THE GRIPS OF A PANDEMIC.

I'LL KEEP GOING.

BUT ONE REPUBLICAN HAS FOUND A CREATIVE WAY TO DUCK THE

CONTROVERSY-- ALABAMA SENATOR TOMMY TUBERVILLE, SEEN

HERE ABOUT TO HIT ON YOUR MOM.

YESTERDAY, TUBERVILLE WAS ASKED HIS OPINION ON GREENE'S INSANE

AND HATEFUL VIEWS AND SAID THIS: >> I'D HAVE TO HLD BACK A

STATEMENT ON THAT.

TRAVEL IN THIS WEATHER, IT'S BEEN A LITTLE ROUGH LOOKING AT

ANY NEWS, OR WHATEVER.

>> Stephen: OKAY, SO, THE WEATHER KEEPS HIM FROM KNOWING

THE NEWS?

JIM, LET'S CHECK THE FIVE-DAY FORECAST.

YEAH, TOO MUCH SNOW MAKE DUMB.

YESTERDAY, WE GOT A PREVIEW OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S

IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE PLANS.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF

"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."

>> THEY FELL DOWN.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

OW!

I CAN'T FALL WITH THE FAKE NEWS WATCHING!

>> Stephen: THE EX-PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS CLAIM THAT HE DID

NOT INTEND TO INCITE HIS MOB OF RABID LOYALISTS, WRITING,

"IT IS DENIED THAT THE PHRASE 'IF YOU DON'T FIGHT LIKE HELL,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A COUNTRY ANYMORE,' HAD ANYTHING

TO DO WITH THE ACTION AT THE CAPITOL AS IT WAS CLEARLY ABOUT

THE NEED TO FIGHT FOR ELECTION SECURITY IN GENERAL."

YEAH, HE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT ELECTION SECURITY IN GENERAL.

IT REMINDS ME OF THIS FAMOUS SCENE IN "STAR WARS":

>> YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY.

WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: THE CRUX OF THEIR ARGUMENT IS THAT THE PRESIDENT

WASN'T A GUY INCITING AN ANGRY MOB.

HE WAS MERELY A GUY EXPRESSING FREE SPEECH NEAR A MOB HE

HAPPENED TO MAKE ANGRY, SAYING THE FORMER PRESIDENT BELIEVED HE

WON AND, THEREFORE, WAS WITHIN HIS RIGHTS TO "EXPRESS HIS

BELIEF THAT THE ELECTION RESULTS WERE SUSPECT."

AND THAT ARGUMENT IS BACKED UP BY CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLAR GEORGE

COSTANZA: >> JUST REMEMBER: IT'S NOT A

LIE IF YOU BELIEVE IT.

>> Stephen: HE COULD ALSO ARGUE THERE WERE "VERY FINE PEOPLE" ON

"BOTH SIDES" OF THE SOUP COUNTER.

THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ATTORNEYS ADDED THAT HIS ELECTION FRAUD

CLAIMS COULD NOT BE DISPROVED BECAUSE THERE WAS "INSUFFICIENT

EVIDENCE."

IN FACT, THE EVIDENCE WAS SO INSUFFICIENT THAT OVER 60

THREW OUT THE CLAIMS, MANY WITH TRUMP JUDGES, THREW OUT THE

CLAIMS.

FOR INSTANCE, YOU CAN'T PROVE THE FORMER PRESIDENT ISN'T IN

FACT A GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR THAT WAS CURSED WITH LIFE AFTER

ROLLING IN A PILE OF MAGIC LINT.

THE STRANGEST CLAIM THEY MAKE IS THAT THE EXPRESIDENT NEVER--

QUOTE-- "INTENDED TO INTERFERE WITH THE COUNTING OF ELECTORAL

VOTES."

OKay, THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS IN WHICH HE INTENDED TO INTERFERE.

HE SAID MIKE PENCE COULD STOP IT!

WHEN MIKE PENCE DIDN'T STOP IT, HE SAID MIKE PENCE WAS A

COWARD!

AND IMPORTANTLY, HE SCHEDULED THE RIOT FOR THE SAME DAY AS THE

CERTIFICATION, IN THE SAME LOCATION.

JENNIFER, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED IN THE SAME HALL

IN THE SAME DAY I'M PERFORMING MY ONE-MAN SHOW.

"DON'T MARRY PAUL, JENNIFER.

I STILL LOVE YOU.

THE MUSICAL!

STARRING: AN ANGRY MOB WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE."

A BIG PART OF THE FORMER POTUS'S ELECTION FRAUD CENTERS AROUND

DOMINION VOTING MACHINES, WHICH HIS SUPPORTERS CLAIM STOLE

VOTES FROM HIM WITH SINISTER, HIGH-TECH MALFEASANCE.

THOUGH HE MIGHT BE CONFUSING DOMINION WITH DA MINIONS.

NOW, DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS HAS, A., NOT TAKEN THESE

REPEATED SLANDERS LIGHTLY, AND, B., HAS LAWYERS WHO HAVE

THREATENED OR ISSUED LEGAL ACTION AGAINST ROUGHLY-- AND I'M

ROUNDING DOWN HERE--EVERYONE, INCLUDING FOX NEWS, NEWSMAX, ONE

AMERICA NEWS, SEAN HANNITY, MARIA BARTIROMO, CONSPIRACY

LAWYER SIDNEY POWELL, AND RUSH LIMBAUGH.

SWEET MOTHER OF MALFEASANCE!

THERE HASN'T BEEN THIS MUCH LITIGATION SINCE MY

POORLY-RECEIVED TV SPECIAL "MICKEY MOUSE HUMPS THE OLYMPIC

RINGS ON THE COCA-COLA LOGO, WITH MUSIC BY THE BEATLES!"

IT WAS A GOOD SHOW, THOUGH, DAMN FINE SHOW.

IT JUST COST ME A PRETTY PENNY.

AND DOMINION IS PLAYING FOR KEEPS.