100%, and here's how.

Child psychologists say that

as long as your kids feel safe

and loved you will not ruin them.

But are you really gonna trust child psychologists?

Their boss is a baby.

Let's say you never play mind games.

The only thing you play your child is music.

You read that playing your baby music

while in the womb is the best way to increase brand health

so you strap a pair of headphones to your swelling stomach

and play your baby songs about spreading love and joy.

Your favorite is the beach boys song

"Never Learned Not to Love,"

which you put on repeat.

But what you don't realize is

this seemingly harmless surf bop

was written for the Beach Boys by Charles Manson.

100% confirmed.

The Beach Boys added the bridge,

and Manson ended up killing all those people.

So while you think

you're teaching your baby bump compassion,

you're actually indoctrinating him into the Manson clan.

His first words won't be mama,

they'll be Helter Skelter

because you ruined your child with music.

Let's say you don't play music for your child in the womb.

What you play him is affirmations.

Every day you tell him he can be whatever he wants.

When he tells you he wants to be a doctor,

you say in my eyes you're already a doctor,

which is why he skips medical school.

Turns out all you need to diagnose a patient is confidence.

And he decides he's a surgeon

'cause he can take the liver out

without making the body buzz.

But unlike the game of Operation,

a real doctor isn't supposed to

leave his tools inside the body,

yet your boy keeps stitching people up

with the scalpel still inside.

Pretty common practice among bad doctors.

Nearly 800 surgical tools have been left

in patients since 2005.

100% confirmed.

Your son's patients might live,

but they'll never get through a metal detector.

And that's all thanks to you,

because you ruined your child.

Let's say you understand the importance

of teaching your child responsibility,

that's why you get him a puppy.

And you don't go to a breeder, you get them a rescue.

A dog that no one wanted to adopt

because of its weird tongue.

You encourage your son to be proud of the dog.

So he posts some photos online,

and quickly realizes animals with birth defects

is catnip for the internet.

Soon, your son's pup has a billion followers.

This foster dog has turned into a cash cow.

Even when the dog dies,

your son refuses to give up the ghost.

He puts a pair of sunglasses on the dog,

straps a pair of strings to the paws,

all thanks to you, because you ruined your child

by teaching him responsibility.

Let's say you don't even have a child that you know of,

because you've never given birth,

but you have given your eggs away to a fertility clinic

when you needed some fast cash to buy one

of those big diamond clock necklaces

for your authentic Flavor Flav costume.

You got your bling,

and some woman got your eggs and she sucks.

She raises your baby on nothing

but Mentos and David Mamet plays.

So he becomes obsessed with earning, and he's good.

So good that he becomes the CEO

of a successful pharmaceutical company.

In order to increase profit,

he raises the price of medication from 13 to $750 a tablet.

He uses his millions to get his greedy paws

on the one copy of Wu Tang's seventh album.

This little boy has turned into the pharma bro

who you decide to dress up as for Halloween,

because it would be hilarious to go dressed

as the worst person in America.

Your costume is a hit.

Everyone says the resemblance is uncanny,

but you don't realize you've not only

dressed up as the nation's hated man,

you've also dressed up as your son.

So, yes, you will ruin your child.

It's just a matter of when and how.

I'm expert, Dr. Natasha Van Blot,

and your worst fear has been confirmed.

That's a wrap.

Want a drink?

- Oh hell yeah girl,

I'm dying for a little mm, mm, mm.

- Ooh, it looks like it's a vintage bottle from 1998.

See how you like it?

- Get it in there.

Get it into every open part of my interface.

Ooh.

Can you hit me again with just a couple more?

I'm good.

It's fine.

I'm good, I'm not driving.

In the computer world you get used to

dust off very early on.

There's no dust off age

like there is a drinking age for humans, I've heard.

We just start getting it in early

and often, if we're lucky.

So I can handle it.

I'm like pretty good at holding my dust off, I think.

I've been told, or I've told myself.