And then I've also had his balls removed.

- Reggie. - Oh, shame, shame.

Give me back my balls. You can't have them.

I took them away. But I have a full vagina.

(monumental music)

Hell, today we're going to talk about the invention

of Coca-Cola, America's favorite soft drink.

So like in the 1800's, John Pemberton was trying

to make patent medicines.

Basically they were fake medicines

and most of them were just like herbal hoozy-what's,

who even cares.

He was just trying to make anything that would sell.

He was like I want to make a fake medicine

that made women think that they'll never be nervous

or have farts

and make men think that they can be smarter.

So he decided to use a new ingredient, coca.

Coca is from a plant.

Th South Americans would chew it and be like,

"We have so much energy and we aren't even hungry!

We hiked the whole Andes."

But really they were just on cocaine.

John Pemberton was like,

"Oh, I should put this into my new potion that I'm making."

And basically he copied someone else's recipe

called like vine mariani.

He was like, "Well I have wine,

I put coca in there, a little of this kola in."

The kola nut released a little bit of caffeine.

And he, he basically was like,

"What I give you is a wine with cocaine and caffeine."

Then people in Atlanta were like,

"No, nobody can have, sell alcohol because of temperance."

He was like, "Okay, well fine,

I'll just make a temperance beverage."

He went back into his laboratory

and he decided to just put the coca and the cola together.

But they were super bitter without the wine,

so he added a ton of sugar

and then he made it into like a drink.

You know, he thought, oh, well people will love this.

It wasn't like he was like, I made a soda,

cause nobody even had that yet.

He had a friend named Frank Robinson

who was like, "Okay, well I'll help you to sell

your medicine-soda-drink-thingy.

First of all, you should change the 'k' in the kola

to a 'c', and, and, just call it what it is, Coca-Cola,

and the two c's will look really nice next to each other.

And who wouldn't love that?"

So they would just advertise Coca-Cola as a medicine

for your brain.

They would say, "It's invigorating, and stimulating,

and healthy for your nervous system

using the exotic extract of the coca and kola nut

to make you super alive and ready to face your day."

The first year, he only sold 25 gallons.

- [Derek] 25,000 or 25 gallons?

- [Jenny] 25 gallons- - [Derek] Okay.

- In the year.

He gave it to pharmacies.

They had like soda fountains and fun things.

And people did like it a lot.

"Oh, this is a great drink."

They thought that it made them, like, invigorated

and aware.

People are basically little cocaine soda.

"Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. I need more."

I wish I was alive then to drink the coke, coke, Coca-Cola.

(soft music)

God, I missed so much from not being in the olden times.

(soft music)

The next year he sold 200 gallons a month.

"That's so much more!"

"Twelve months."

(dog barking)

Reggie, stop it!

Twelve- (dog barking)

Reggie, God dammit! Hold on.

Okay, I got him.

"Twelve months out of the year

we sold 2,000 gallons a month."

"No! Yes?"

God dammit.

He's on his death bed dying of stomach cancer.

And he's like, "Out of all of the patent medicines

that I've tried to make,

I've finally made a successful patent medicine."

But what he never knew was that he actually made

the most successful drink that humans will ever drink, ever.

"God, he was so successful and he doesn't know.

And he'll never know, ever!"

They still use coca leaves in modern-day Coca-Cola,

so do the math on that one.

Even if they don't have cocaine in them,

they still use the leaves and they took the cocaine out

and putting it somewhere else.

(sound echoing)

- So how would you describe a s*** show?

- I s*** my pants in the rug section of Ikea.

So I had to like go through the other parts of Ikea

with s*** in my pants, but I also was like concerned

about buying things for my home, so I still did.

I went to the bathroom, total pro,

like cleaned my butt.

And the second I got back in line,

like with other people, I was like,

"I s*** my pants!"

I had the flu and I sneezed.

S*** show.

Hi.

Oh boy, I love to be happy. Why else am I here?

I'm Jenny Slate and today we are going to talk

about the Cherry Sisters,

the worst act on Vaudeville, ever, ever,

the very worst.

Our story begins in the 1890s.

The Cherry sisters were living on a farm in Iowa

that had been left to them.

Their names were Ella, Elizabeth,

Effie, Addie, and Jessie.

They had a brother, Nathan.

And he just peaced out, he was like,

"Actually, definitely not.

I'm not like even doing this."

And all the sisters were like, "Boo! What the hell?"

Or heck, actually, cause they were very prim.

They were like, "Our farm's gonna fail.

We truly don't get how to do this

and we don't have enough money to operate the farm.

Let's just try to get money from that, by, for that,

am I right?"

And they were all like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? Let's put on a show."

So they like rented out a theater.

These sisters were just like,

"We're putting on a play.

The play is going to consist of a lot of segments

that are boring and also will make you feel nervous

about what you're doing in your life."

So it would be like there was a young lady

just like free in the world, how dangerous.

And then a Don Juan comes out and he's like,

"I want you for sex!" You know?

And then a gypsy woman would come out and she'd be like,

"Don't do it! Don't cause he's gonna take your morality!"

And like, that was like the whole thing.

And it was like baffling to everyone, they were like,

"I can't believe these ladies showed up,

and like even are here, and like did this."

After they were done they were so shocked,

because they were like,

"This is an ass-load of money."

They made $250.

So the Cherry sisters, they were like,

"We should take this on the road,"

even though it was really, really, really bad.

So they went on the road all across Iowa.

They did a show in Cedar Rapids.

One of their songs was called Corn Juice.

♪ Corn juice let me tell you about it ♪

It's just like,

"What are you talking about?

You definitely can't make juice out of corn.

Like, I've had it." - [Derek] Yeah.

- "There's no juice in there."

"Five, six, seven, eight."

♪ If you're lost and you're corn I will find juice ♪

♪ Corn after juice ♪

Beautiful.

Everyone's like, "You suck!"

So the next day, the newspaper was like,

"This is a bad show.

These ladies truly don't know what's up.

You probably shouldn't see this show unless you want

to see it because it's so very bad

that it's like kind of confusing all of us."

And they marched right down to the Cedar Rapid Gazette,

and they were like, "How dare you say this?"

And the Cedar Rapid Gazette was like,

"You're like, incredulous?

You can't, like, understand why we said this?"

And they're like,

"You know what? We're gonna sue you for libel."

And the newspapers was like,

"That's actually hilarious.

But if you want to sue us, you're gonna have to sue us

during your show."

And so they did.

They got a real judge to sit there being like,

"Oh, like, order, order.

I'll be the judge of how bad they are!

Plus newspaper, are you telling the truth?"

And at the end the editor of the newspaper was found guilty

and sentenced to marry one of the five sisters.

- [Derek] F*** off.

- Yeah.

It's so sad.

So after this, they toured all the time.

It was kind of the first, like,

it's so bad it's good situation.

Groups of people were like,

"The Cherry Sisters are coming to town.

Let's get together all the people that we know and like,

buy a s*** load of vegetables, and find a lot of cans

so that we can throw them at them."

And this was a sketch that they did,

they sat in a bathtub and they were like,

"Don't get horny. Be careful cause this is like arms.

But you have to be careful cause if you show your forearms

to someone their penis could go inside of you."

- And you'd die if they did.

- And then you'll die of being cool.

People would be like, "You suck!"

So after the sisters had really been on the scene

for a while just stinking it up consistently,

this man named Oscar Hammerstein, he had a theater,

and he was like, "Well, I've tried all the best s*** there,

maybe I'll try the worst."

So he got in touch with the Cherry sisters,

and he's like, "Listen, we'll bring you to New York.

You can do whatever you want. We'll pay you $100 a week."

Four of them were like, "Yep, yep, okay, yes."

And then like the fifth one was like, "No."

She stayed there like, whatever, brushing the pigs,

or whatever you do on a farm.

And they went to New York and everyone was like,

"You're the worst! You're horrible! What a weird thing!"

And they sold out, ten weeks, sold out show.

And they made a lot of money.

And then, you know, they went home

and then they died in obscurity.

But that's what we think, that not what they thought.

And honestly, what they thought is kind of all that matters.

Don't you think? (bell ringing)

- Aw, that was nice!

- Thanks, Derek. - That was really nice.

- Well, I'm am American woman and I love corn juice.

(sound echoing)

Let's talk about outer space.

Hello, I'm Jenny Slate.

And today, we're going to talk about Arno Penzias,

and Robert Wilson, and their beautiful cosmic discovery.

This is my dog's penis.

And then I've also had his balls removed.

- Reggie. - Shame, shame.

Give me back my balls. You can't have them.

I took them away! But I have a full vagina.