WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

BRINGING YOU THE SHOW TONIGHT FROM THE DIAROMA, THAT WE'RE

SUBMITTING FOR OUR EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT.

I HOPE WE GOT A GOOD GRADE.

WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, THERE WILL BE SOME

PHRASES I NEVER REALLY WANT TO HEAR AGAIN.

LIKE "SOCIAL DISTANCING" OR "GRIM MILESTONE" OR "ZOOM HAPPY

HOUR."

IT'S EITHER ZOOM OR HAPPY.

PICK A SIDE.

BUT WE'RE STILL A LONG WAY FROM TUNNELING UP TO THE SUNSHINE,

BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE GLOBAL TALLY OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS

CASES PASSED 100 MILLION, WITH ALMOST A QUARTER OCCURRING IN

THE UNITED STATES.

WELL, HE DID DELIVER ON THAT "AMERICA FIRST" THING.

WE JUST SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT CATEGORY IT WAS IN.

BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HAVE 4%

OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND 25% OF THE CASES BECAUSE THE

PREVIOUS DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED CONCERNS OVER THE VIRUS A HOAX,

PROMOTED QUACK CURES, AND MOCKED PEOPLE FOR WEARING MASKS.

IT WAS THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE SINCE THE 1929s:

PRESIDENT HOOVER SAYS, "DON'T BE AFRAID OF SYPHILIS, PARD'NER!

REAL COWBOYS RIDE BAREBACK."

HOOVER, FAR MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN I REMEMBER!

BUT THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON

HIS PLANS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:

ENDLESS BUMMER."

♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

♪ DON'T AWARE YOUR MASK DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK.

NAILED IT!

JUST CALL ME COVID VAN BEETHOVEN.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WHY DID YOU GET THAT THING?

IS THAT A CATAPULT?

>> Stephen: YES.

>> OKAY, OKAY!

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF TONIGHT'S BUDGET WENT

INTO CONSTRUCTING THIS CATAPULT AND THEM SEND THAT MAN A BOX OF

STEAKS.

YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED A DRAMATIC CHANGE TO

AMERICA'S COVID PLAN: THERE IS ONE.

THE MOST EXCITING NEWS: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BUYING

ENOUGH ADDITIONAL DOSES TO VACCINATE 300 MILLION AMERICANS

BY THE END OF THE SUMMER.

SO NEXT HALLOWEEN, THE HOT COSTUME IS GOING TO BE SEXY

NORMAL PEOPLE SAYING HELLO.

THEY'RE SEXY, BECAUSE THEY CAN SHAKE HANDS.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

BIDEN ALSO PROMISED STATES THAT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACCINE

THEY'RE GETTING WILL RISE FROM 8.6 MILLION TO AT LEAST 10

MILLION A WEEK STARTING NEXT WEEK.

THAT MEANS FEBRUARY 2nd, NEXT WEEK, GROUNDHOG'S DAY,

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL WILL COME OUT OF HIS BURROW AND GET

VACCINATED!

NOW HE CAN BE WITHIN SIX FEET OF HIS SHADOW.

GETTING MORE VACCINES IS GREAT, BUT WE REALLY NEED TO RE-EXAMINE

THE WAY WE GIVE THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY IN PHILADELPHIA,

WHERE THEY MADE THE OOPS-A-DAISY OF LETTING COLLEGE KIDS

DISTRIBUTE VACCINES, AND THE RESULT WAS A DISASTER.

WELL, YEAH!

THE ONLY THING COLLEGE KIDS ARE GOOD AT DISTRIBUTING ARE

ULTIMATE FRISBEE SIGN-UP SHEETS AND H.P.V.

APPARENTLY, THE CITY CONTRACTED OUT THEIR VACCINE OVERSIGHT TO A

STARTUP CALLED "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID," RUN BY A 22-YEAR-OLD

C.E.O., WHOSE RESUME INCLUDED TEACHING A HIGH SCHOOL FILM

CLASS, PRODUCING VIDEOS OF PEOPLE LONGBOARDING, AND

PRACTICING PARKOUR.

SO HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO MANAGE HEALTHCARE, BUT HE IS QUALIFIED

TO DATE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.

NO SURPRISE THINGS DID NOT GO SO WELL.

LOCAL SENIORS WERE LEFT IN TEARS AFTER FINDING THAT APPOINTMENTS

THEY'D MADE WOULDN'T BE HONORED.

NOW, THIS MIGHT AFFECT THESE KIDS' CAREER PROSPECTS.

( AS INTERVIEWER ) "I SEE UNDER 'RECENT

EXPERIENCE,' IT SAYS 'COMPLETE AND MAKING THE ELDERLY CRY.

WELCOME TO FACEBOOK!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.

WHILE THEY WERE WORKING ON VACCINE SIGN-UPS, THE GROUP

SWITCHED TO A FOR-PROFIT MODEL AND ADDED A PRIVACY POLICY,

ALLOWING IT TO SELL USERS' PERSONAL DATA.

OKAY, BUT THEIR USE IRS ARE ALMOST ALL ELDERLY!

WHO'S LOOKING BUY THAT USER DATA, BIG BUTTERSCOTCH?

ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED?

THE SHADOWY GLOBAL CARTEL THAT CONTROLS WALK-IN BATHTUBS?

I WANT A WALK-IN BATH TUB, THE BY THE WAY.

THOSE LOOK AWESOME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

DEEP ENOUGH TO DROWN IN.

NOT ONLY WAS THIS STARTUP A MAJOR DISASTER, THE C.E.O. SUCKS

MAJOR, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HE PERSONALLY POCKETED VACCINE

DOSES.

NOW, WE ALL KNOW THEY NEED TO BE KEPT AT 90 BELOW ZERO.

BUT I'M SURE THEY WERE SAFELY TRANSPORTED BETWEEN TWO ICE-COLD

NATTY LIGHTS.

NOW, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND ONE OF HIS

BIGGEST JOBS IS CLEANING UP THE LAST ONE'S MESSES.

SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST PHONE CALL WITH RUSSIAN

PRESIDENT AND SPELLING BEE MODERATOR WARNING THE

CONTESTANTS THAT ALL THE WORDS WILL BE "POLONIUM," VLADIMIR

PUTIN.

REPORTEDLY, BIDEN TOOK PUTIN TO TASK ON THE KREMLIN'S EFFORT TO

INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS AND REPORTS THAT RUSSIA OFFERED

BOUNTIES IN AFGHANISTAN TO KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

WOW!

THAT-- THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.

I WONDER IF THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH A

RUSSIAN LEADER: >> PERFECT PHONE CALL.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

NOW, BIDEN TALKING TO PUTIN IS HUGE NEWS IN MANY WAYS, THE

BIGGEST OF WHICH IS WE KNOW ABOUT IT!

THE LAST PRESIDENT HID THE CONTENTS OF EVERY INTERACTION HE

HAD WITH PUTIN, AND ONCE SAID "WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS PUTIN

MEETINGS WAS 'NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,' HE TOOK POSSESSION OF

THE NOTES OF HIS OWN INTERPRETER AND INSTRUCTED THE LINGUIST NOT

TO DISCUSS WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED," AND EVEN "DESTROYED THE

TRANSLATORS' NOTES AFTERWARDS."

NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT!

IT'S JUST LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING, "HONEY, MY CORPORATE RETREAT WAS

GREAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH MY ASSISTANT JENNIFER.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I DEACTIVATE MY INSTAGRAM, CHANGE

MY NAME, AND GET A SHOT OF PENICILLIN."

JOE BIDEN IS TAKING AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY BACK TO WHAT I

CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AMERICAN" FOREIGN POLICY.

AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE IN MY NEW SEGMENT, RETURNING TO...

>> NORMS!

>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: THAT RIGHT THERE,

"THAT'S NORM FROM 'CHEERS,' BUT WHO'S THE OTHER GUY?"

THAT'S NORM WINER, THE FATHER OF BECCA WINER, ONE OF OUR WRITERS'

ASSISTANTS.

IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT, FOR "NORMS," ONE OF THE NORMS BE A

NORMAL NORM.

NOW, IN THEIR CALL-- DID I EXPLAIN THAT?

OKAY, GOOD.

IN THEIR CALL, BIDEN ALSO TOOK PUTIN TO TASK FOR THE COMPUTER

HACK OF OUR GOVERNMENT, AND PUTIN'S TREATMENT OF RUSSIAN

OPPOSITION LEADER AND GUY WHO JUST GOT DUMPED AT A TURTLENECK

FASHION SHOW, ALEXEI NAVALNY.

NAVALNY WAS POISONED, WHICH MANY SUSPECT WAS AN ASSASSINATION

ATTEMPT ORDERED BY THE KREMLIN.

YES, THEY SUSPECT A GUY FAMOUS FOR KILLING POLITICAL OPPONENTS

OF TRYING TO KILL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT.

IT'S PART OF THE NEW RUSSIAN EDITION OF THE CLASSIC BOARD

GAME, "CLUE: PUTIN DID IT."

HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT.

REPORTEDLY, PUTIN'S ASSASSINS PLANTED A LETHAL NERVE AGENT IN

NAVALNY'S UNDERPANTS.

THEY TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH HIS TIGHTY WHITIES!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING "FRUIT OF THE TOMB."

NAVALNY RETURNED TO RUSSIA AND WAS MMEDIATELY JAILED, BUT THAT

HAS NOT SILENCED HIM.

RIGHT AFTER HIS ARREST, NAVALNY DROPPED A VIDEO ENTITLED

"PUTIN'S PALACE," TYING PUTIN'S CORRUPTION TO HIS $1.3 BILLION

PALACE.

NOW, IT SOUNDS BAD FOR A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO HAVE THAT

KIND OF CASH, BUT REMEMBER, PUTIN SAVES A LOT OF MONEY ON

SHIRTS.

THE VIDEO GOT ALMOST 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS IN THE FIRST WEEK.

AND IT SHOWS OVER-THE-TOP FEATURES LIKE THIS SPLENDIFEROUS

THEATER WITH SPLIT-LEVEL VELVET BANQUETTE BOX SEATS.

THAT WOULD BE A TOUGH ROOM TO PLAY.

"HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS SO GREAT

THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM?

THAT'S MY TIME.

PLEASE, TIP YOUR WAITER, AND THEN HUNT HIM FOR SPORT IN THE

MORNING.

IT'S CROSSBOWS."

THE COMPOUND ALSO FEATURES AN ELABORATE HOOKAH BAR WITH A

STAGE THAT HAS A RISING STRIPPER POLE, A LAVISH CASINO, AN

OUTDOOR GREEK AMPHITHEATER, AND THIS GREEN MOUND THAT HOUSES AN

UNDERGROUND HOCKEY RINK WITH ITS OWN HELIPADS.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRAVELING FROM YOUR PRIVATE OUTDOOR GREEK

AMPHITHEATER TO YOUR SUBTERRANEAN HOCKEY RINK VIA

HOVERCRAFT LIKE SOME ANIMAL.

BUT HE IS REALLY "PUTIN" ON THE RITZ IN HIS INSANE PRIVATE

APARTMENTS, WITH A MASSIVE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED,

GOLD-COFFERED CEILINGS, AND TACKY GOLD MOLDINGS AND

CHERUB SCULPTURES EVERYWHERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THAT, I JUST

SWITCHED FROM SHOWING THE DICTATOR'S COMPOUND TO SHOWING

OUR OLD PRESIDENT'S APARTMENT.

BUT HE LIVED BY THE OLD SAYING: DECORATE FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.

SPEAKING OF CORRUPT REGIMES, ONE FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL

IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT

MIKE PENCE IS HOMELESS.

OH, THAT CAN'T BE PRETTY.

( AS PENCE, BUSKING ) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE

"F" TRAIN, IT IS SHOWTIME.

HIT IT, MOTHER.

A-5-6-7-8: OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, PLEASE LET THESE PEOPLE

BUY ONE OF OUR CANDY BAR.

MOTHER, WORK THE POLE."

AND SCENE.

THE PROBLEM IS SINCE PENCE HAD FREE GOVERNMENT LODGING FOR THE

LAST FOUR YEARS, THE EX-VEEP DOESN'T OWN A HOUSE.

SO WHEN THE PENCES MOVED OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE,

THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO.

THAT'S HOW ALL-IN MIKE PENCE WAS WITH HIS DELUSIONAL BOSS.

HE WAS SO DEVOTED TO THE LIE THAT THEY HAD BEATEN BIDEN, THAT

HE MADE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER ON WHERE TO LIVE.

THAT'S LIKE THE "TITANIC" GETTING RID OF ITS LIFEBOATS TO

HAVE MORE HULL SPACE TO PAINT THE WORD "UNSINKABLE!"

BUT THEY'RE NOT OUT ON THE STREET.

THE PENCES ARE REPORTEDLY COUCH SURFING THEIR WAY THROUGH

INDIANA, WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST BEACH BOYS ALBUM

EVER.

WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAS DOING THIS, PENCE HAD A SIMPLE ANSWER:

>> I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

>> Stephen: HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD, LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

LETTING A FRIEND CRASH ON YOUR COUCH IS NO BIG DEAL, UNTIL YOU

CONSIDER THAT THE PENCES STILL HAVE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION.

"THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, STEVE, BUT, SORRY,

BEFORE YOU ENTER THE KITCHEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CAVITY

SEARCHED."

BUT FINDING A PLACE TO STAY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.

I CAN THINK OF THOUSANDS OF GUYS WHO WANT TO HANG WITH MIKE

PNCE.

RIGHT, FELLAS?

>> HANG MIKE PENCE!

HANG MIKE PENCE!

HANG MIKE PENCE!

HANG MIKE PENCE!

>> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.

PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LACKEY HAVING A

BIT OF A TOUGH TIME.

SO IS MYPILLOW FOUNDER, MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE

INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHING AN EMPLOYEE.

LINDELL HAS SPENT THE PAST FEW MONTHS PEDDLING DEBUNKED

CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT VOTER FRAUD, URGING THE LAST

ADMINISTRATION TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO REMAIN IN OFFICE, AND

HAVING THE MYPILLOW SITE OFFER DISCOUNT CODES LIKE "QANON."

I GUESS LINDELL THOUGHT BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYWOULD PAY

OFF.

REMINDS ME OF WHEN BENEDICT ARNOLD SOLD US OUT TO THE

BRITISH TO GET 15% OFF A SET OF SHAKE WEIGHTS.

LAST WEEK, J.C. PENNEY DROPPED MYPILLOW, ALONG WITH KOHL'S AND

BED BATH & BEYOND.

AND, YESTERDAY, TWITTER BANNED LINDELL.

OH, THAT'S NICE-- NO MORE FASCIST CONSPIRACIES TO

DISTRACT YOU FROM THE TOXIC MISOGYNY.

BUT WITH MYPILLOW IN TROUBLE, THERE'S AN OPENING IN THE MARKET

FOR CONSPIRACY-SPREADING, AS-SEEN-ON-TV PRODUCTS.

AND ONE COMPANY IS TAKING ADVANTAGE WITH THIS NEW AD:

>> EGGS!