WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

IT'S TIME TO SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

JON, WHEN WE WERE IN THE COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE BEFORE WE

CAME TO YOU, DID I SEE THIS CORRECTLY, DO YOU HAVE A

BASKETBALL RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR FEET?

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: JUST OUT OF SHOT.

>> Jon: YUP, YUP.

>> Stephen: YOU JUST-- YOU JUST KEEPING SHARP?

WHAT'S THE-- THE BALL IS THERE WITH THE PIANO?

THAT SEEMS DANGEROUS.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE HOOP DREAMS.

I THINK I CAN MAKE IT.

I THINK I GOT IT.

I'M GOING TO GO AND I'M GOING TO HAVE A SECOND PART TO MY CAREER.

I'M GOING TO BE IN THE N.B.A.

>> Stephen: YOU-- >> Jon: I'M GOING FOR IT.

>> Stephen: YOU WILL BE TO BASKETBALL WHAT MICHAEL JORDAN

WAS TO BASEBALL.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, HE

WORKED REALLY HARD.

>> Stephen: HE DID.

>> Jon: HE WORKED REALLY HARD.

>> Stephen: HE DID, HE DID.

JON, WHAT'S ON-- WHAT'S ON-- WHAT'S ON THE MIND OF YOUR

FINGERS RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: LET'S SEE.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

( LAUGHS ).

>> Jon: HAVE A GOOD ONE.

>> Stephen: YOU, TOO.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I COME OUT HERE, TOAST SOME

TOPICAL, ORGANIC ARBORIO RICE IN MY SATIRICAL SAUCEPAN, MELT IN

SOME FINE BORDIER BUTTER, PARMESAN CHEESE, AND FRESH,

HAND-PICKED PARSLEY OF INSIGHT, AND LOVINGLY WHIP IT UP INTO THE

VELVETY, JAMES BEARD AWARD-WORTHY RISOTTO THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT NOW AND THEN, I JUST SCRAPE THE LEFTOVER RICE OUT OF A

CARDBOARD CHINESE TAKE-OUT CONTAINER, STUFF IT IN A STALE

TORTILLA WITH SOME CLICKBAIT BEANS, AND ROLL IT UP INTO THE

SEMI-RELEVANT HANGOVER BURRITO OF NEWS WE CALL:

>> "QUARANTINEWHILE!" >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,

DUE TO GREATLY REDUCED FLIGHTS AND SUSPENDING ALCOHOL SERVICE

DURING COVID, "AMERICAN AIRLINES HAS SO MUCH EXTRA WINE THAT IT

IS STARTING A DELIVERY SERVICE."

"SO MUCH EXTRA WINE," HUH?

AND YET, FOR SOME REASON, I CAN'T GET A SEVENTH GLASS ON MY

REDEYE TO SAN DIEGO, EVEN THOUGH I STILL HAVE AT LEAST FIVE MORE

VERSES OF "AMERICAN PIE" LEFT TO SING.

IF YOU'VE GOT A HANKERING FOR SOME PLANE WINE, YOU CAN GRAB A

MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION PLAN THAT COSTS $99 PER MONTH.

AND I'M SURE THAT IS SOME TOP-NOTCH VINO.

"MMM, MMMM, I'M GETTING NOTES OF ARMREST FOOT, NEGLECTED BABY

WITH A SOUPCON OF POORLY PRESSURIZED CABIN."

MY EARS ARE POPPING.

MY EARS ARE POPPING.■ç QUARANTINE-WHILE, A TORONTO

WOMAN WON A $60 MILLION LOTTERY AFTER SHE GOT THE WINNING

NUMBERS FROM HER HUSBAND'S DREAM.

THOSE WINNING NUMBERS?

4, 11, 13, 52, AND "I'M IN A BUMPER CAR WITH MY GYM TEACHER,

ONLY IT'S NOT MY GYM TEACHER.

BUT, LIKE, IT IS MY GYM TEACHER?

AND THEN A RACCOON WAS CHASING ME, AND THEN I WOKE UP."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CHINESE SCIENTISTS MAY HAVE THE KEY TO

DELAYING AGEING."

IS IT MINT CHIP ICE CREAM?

PLEASE SAY IT'S MINT CHIP ICE CREAM, BECAUSE I'VE PUT A LOT OF

RESEARCH INTO MINT CHIP ICE■ç CREAM, LATELY.

APPARENTLY, THEY DID IT THROUGH GENE MANIPULATION.

THE SCIENTISTS "INACTIVATED THE KAT-7 GENE IN THE LIVERS OF

MICE," AND THAT "EXTENDED THEIR LIFESPAN FOR ABOUT 25%."

"THE MICE SHOW OVERALL IMPROVED APPEARANCE AND GRIP STRENGTH."

GRIP STRENGTH?!

THAT'S WHAT WE NEED: IMMORTAL MICE WHO CAN STRANGLE US!

QUARANTINE-WHILE, COCAINE-STUFFED SHIPMENTS OF

BANANAS ENDED UP AT CANADIAN GROCERY STORES DUE TO A DRUG

TRAFFICKING MIX-UP.

HA-HA!

IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY GOING TO GET

MURDERED.

"YOU SEE, BOSS, KIND OF A FUNNY STORY.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS-- AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS-- YOUR COCAINE

IS NOW IN THE FRUIT AISLE AT THE KROGER.

AND I KNOW YOU'RE OUT, LIKE, 30 MIL, BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT,

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY-- CAN I MAKE YA A SMOOTHIE-- AAAND I'M

BEING LOWERED INTO A SHARK TANK."

OKAY.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, TIKTOK'S LATEST VIRAL TREND IS APPARENTLY

WOMEN SECRETLY FILMING THEIR PARTNERS REACTING TO SOMETHING

CALLED "BUTT-CRACK" LEGGINGS.

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I GOT THE FAMOUS AMAZON LEGGINGS THAT ARE

GOING AROUND ON TIKTOK, AND I'M GOING TO GET MY HUSBAND'S

REACTION.

THEY ARE AS AMAZING AS EVERYBODY SAYS TO MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK

REALLY NICE.

WHAT?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT?" ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> LOOK AT THEM.

DANG!

WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE PANTS?

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: CAN WE PLEASE JUST

GO BACK TO TIKTOK SEA SHANTIES?

I MISS-- I MISS THE SEA SHANTIES.

I HAVE THE ASS FOR THAT.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "COKE WITH COFFEE IS FINALLY HERE,"

PERFECT FOR EVERYONE SAYING, "I WISH MY REFRESHING COLA MADE

ME MORE JITTERY.

YES, SURE, I'VE GOT THE HEART RATE OF A HUMMINGBIRD AND THE

BLOOD PRESSURE OF A PNEUMATIC JACK, BUT I DON'T QUITE FEEL

LIKE I COULD FLIP A MINIVAN."

COKE WITH COFFEE HAS BEEN "AVAILABLE FOR YEARS

INTERNATIONALLY," BUT NOT HERE BECAUSE THEY WERE "MAKING SURE

THAT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT PACKAGING."

YOU ARE WAY OVER-THINKING THIS, COKE DUDE.

WE ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO WALK INTO A 7-ELEVEN, SALLY UP TO ONE

OF THESE THINGS UNSUPERVISED, AND PULL THEMSELVES 44 OUNCES OF

SOMETHING CALLED A "QUAKE ENERGY BERRY BLAST SLURPEE," AND YOU

THINK YOU NEED "THE RIGHT PACKAGING" TO SELL

EXTRA-CAFFEINATED SODA IN AMERICA?

JUST FILL A GARBAGE BAG, AND WE WILL PAY ADMISSION TO PLUNGE OUR

STRAWS INTO IT LIKE CROWS PLUNGING THEIR BEAKS INTO A COW

CARCASS.

NOW GET TO WORK ON HUFFABLE NICOTINE POUND CAKE.

WE'VE GOT THINGS TO DO.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COLIN FIRTH AND STANLEY TUCCI.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I SOUND MAD.

I'M VERY EXCITED THAT THEY'RE HERE.

♪ ♪ ♪