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  • - A lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up,

  • which is offensive, unfair, untrue.

  • I was not a nerd.

  • Nerds had other nerds to play "Dungeons and Dragons" with,

  • (audience laughing)

  • people to hang out with.

  • I was a spazzy weirdo.

  • We're our own thing.

  • (upbeat instrumental music) (audience cheering)

  • I moved here recently.

  • I moved from San Francisco.

  • (audience cheering) Yeah.

  • A lot of times when I tell people I'm from San Francisco,

  • the response is the same.

  • It's always, "Oh, San Francisco.

  • "That's a nice city, but, uh, pretty gay, right."

  • (audience laughing)

  • And I understand why people think that.

  • I don't understand why they say it out loud.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Here's the thing though.

  • I've looked up the statistics

  • and San Francisco is only 25% gay.

  • So that's one out of every four people.

  • So that's like saying, "Oh, you like the Beatles?

  • "Yeah, they're pretty good but why are they all Ringo?"

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience clapping)

  • And it just feels like everyone of them's

  • just Ringo. Ringo, Ringo.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And they're so in your face about it.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I'm not a lesbian.

  • I know I have to say that in order for people to know it.

  • (audience laughing)

  • But I consider myself an ally, you know,

  • and I've noticed that there are a lot of ways

  • in which gay men and gay women are treated

  • very differently by society.

  • Like a lot of times when people do impressions of gay men,

  • there's a very specific voice that they use.

  • It's almost like an accent or a cadence,

  • a gaydence, if you would.

  • (audience laughing)

  • But there's no such voice for lesbians, right?

  • There's no lesbian accent.

  • And I think that's weird and I think it's unfair.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I think there needs to be one.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And I've been thinking about it.

  • I think, hear me out, I think it should be

  • a really bad fake French accent.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Because how great would that be if one day

  • your teenage daughter sat you down and was just like,

  • "Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you."

  • (audience laughing)

  • I'll tell you a little bit about me.

  • I was not a very cool kid growing up.

  • I'm not a cool adult.

  • It just doesn't matter anymore.

  • (audience laughing)

  • A lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up,

  • which is offensive, unfair, untrue.

  • I was not a nerd.

  • Nerds had other nerds to play "Dungeons and Dragons" with,

  • (audience laughing)

  • people to hang out with.

  • I was a spazzy weirdo.

  • We're our own thing.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Kind of the bad boys of the general loser community.

  • (audience laughing)

  • All of the alienation, none of the brains.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I couldn't find anyone that was into

  • the stuff I was into as a kid.

  • I'll give you an example.

  • When I was 11, my dad made me scrambled eggs for breakfast

  • one morning and I said, "This is amazing.

  • "What's in this?"

  • And he said, "Oregano."

  • So naturally I took a small tub of oregano

  • and I taped a string to it and I wore it as a necklace

  • (audience laughing)

  • every day to school for three months.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And because I'm from San Francisco,

  • my parents just let me do that.

  • (audience laughing)

  • They were just like, "Go on out into the world,

  • "be free, follow your heart.

  • "Who are we to stop you?"

  • (audience laughing) (audience clapping)

  • Who are you to stop me?

  • You're actually the only people who can.

  • (audience laughing)

  • It's kind of part of your job, right?

  • Just to give me a once-over before I leave the house

  • make sure there's no trash dangling from my body.

  • You're dropping the ball.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I was like, "This is cool, tight?

  • "I'm the oregano girl now.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "You all better pick a spice because oregano is spoken for."

  • (audience laughing)

  • I think what I'm trying to say is it took me

  • a really long time to lose my virginity.

  • That's the point of that story, I think.

  • I feel like I wanna be single forever.

  • I just really like to say that I wanna be single forever

  • in front of my married friends because they hate that.

  • Oh my God, they hate that so much.

  • There's always one of them

  • who will condescend to me about it.

  • He'll be like, "Come on, single forever.

  • "You don't know that.

  • "You can't know that.

  • "You can't know that you're gonna want something forever."

  • (audience laughing)

  • I'm like, "Oh my God, that is an amazing point."

  • (audience laughing)

  • No, you're right.

  • That would be stupid of me to say that I know

  • I'm gonna want something forever in my 20s.

  • (audience laughing)

  • God, the only thing that I could think of

  • that might be stupider would be spending $50,000

  • to say it in front of everyone I know.

  • (audience laughing)

  • If you're married and that offends you, I'm sorry.

  • Here's what I recommend.

  • Go home, hug your spouse, know that I will not be doing that

  • because Netflix does not have arms.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Although if they know their clientele,

  • they are working on it, right.

  • I kinda think Donald Trump is like the "Air Bud"

  • of American politics.

  • (audience laughing)

  • But I also think "Air Bud" was the villain of that movie.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Right, because imagine for a moment

  • that you are one of the kids

  • on the other basketball team, right.

  • You're one of the kids who has to play basketball

  • against a golden retriever in front of your parents.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You're just a kid who loves basketball, right.

  • You've been practicing basketball.

  • You know the rules of basketball.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You showed up to the gym that day

  • expecting to play another child at basketball.

  • (audience laughing)

  • That was Hillary Clinton, right.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience cheering)

  • She was just like, "Put me in, coach,"

  • for the last 20 years.

  • And we finally did and as soon as we did,

  • this fucking fluffy dog who has no business on the court

  • comes running out distracting everybody.

  • He doesn't know the rules.

  • He can't know the rules.

  • (audience laughing)

  • He is a dog.

  • (audience laughing)

  • He's traveling like crazy.

  • Where's the ref?

  • (audience laughing)

  • And everyone's just fine with it

  • because there's nothing in the rule book

  • (audience laughing)

  • that says a pumpkin-headed racist can't be president.

  • Let's write more rules maybe.

  • How about that?

  • That seems like a pretty obvious fix.

  • (audience clapping)

  • Also, I should say I have not seen "Air Bud."

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)

- A lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up,

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