Oh, my glasses air a little much.

I hate myself.

All right, I'm taking them off.

I'm here to tell you about a time.

I thought I was having a threesome.

It was 2007.

I was 25 years old and I had a job working at Sears as well.

A stand up comedy.

Ah, lot more money came from Sears.

If you're not familiar with Sears, it was a wildly hugely successful department store in the 19 fifties.

I live with my best friend, Tom Dustin, who is also a comedian, and we were thick as thieves.

I was a huge Jimmy Buffett fan at the time.

I still am, and I got convinced that it would be fun for Tom and I to travel to Key West Florida.

Jimmy Buffett had lived there many songs about it, and it just pulled me in.

I planned the whole thing out.

We were gonna fly to Miami, see what South Beach is all about.

And then we're going to rent a car, drive to Key West and stay there for six days.

We gathered up all the money we had for me, that was $1000 for Tom.

That was $500.1500 dollars total.

The flights and hotels had already been paid for.

I had no debit card or credit cards, so I put $1000 in a duffel bag.

Tom put it in his in his pocket.

We flew to Miami, got drunk on the plane, of course, and went to go check out South Beach, Florida one of the hippest places in all of America.

And we're not hip guys.

I had Jean shorts on George black socks, new balance sneakers and wire rimmed glasses and a dirty Red Sox hat.

That's not a look that gets you laid down there.

We had some fun day drinking, got blackout Drunk Day turned into night.

And that's when Miami gets really spicy Spanish music dance music.

A lot of Latin lovers, you know, sex.

That's when we really thought Now is our time to make some moves get laid.

It turns out that the ladies in Miami Beach are not interested in hearing about the Boston Red Sox breaking an 86 year curse.

So Tom and I dejected, decided toe, head back to the hotel and call it a night like a miracle.

Out of the the magic of Miami Beach, three women approached us.

They weren't the most attractive.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say they were unattractive.

I mean, I'm not exactly a catch myself.

They were missing teeth.

They seemed to have dabbled in the drug game at some point, most likely earlier that night.

They did not look, uh, well kept.

But when you're young and drunk and striking out, it doesn't really matter.

They walked up to us and said, Hey, boys, do you want a party?

Sure.

I felt excited.

I was like, These girls must be into my vibe.

Maybe jean shorts are a rare down here now.

Oftentimes, when you're with the buddy and you're out, you're tryingto get laid.

You have to kind of figure out who likes who who's vibing.

This was not an issue for us.

It was two of us and three of them.

One of them grabbed Tom and they just took off Tom in.

This lady left for the Public men's room and I was like that a boy, Tom, the other two women.

They each grabbed me by an arm.

They said, What do you say we go back to your hotel room?

Two women said to me, Why don't you?

We go back to your hotel room?

That's never happened to my whole life.

I've never had women just invite themselves to my hotel room.

This is exactly what Jimmy Buffett was talking about.

Walking up the beach, staggering drunk, with one lady on each arm, inviting you back to your own hotel room.

Just like Margaritaville.

We get back to my hotel, I take him up in the elevator and I'm thinking, Boy, it's three.

Sometime the ladies laid me down on the bed.

It was pretty exciting.

Things were getting hot and heavy, and one of the women took out her her bosoms.

As it were, she pushed them onto my face on my glasses and just started smearing her nipples all over my glasses, really smearing.

It was quite hard to see through him, the other woman said at the end of the bed and rubbed my Penis over my pants.

And I thought, This is a strange threesome, not great.

I'm sure it will evolve into something mawr, and at one point during that, Tom kicked the door open and he said, I've been robbed.

That woman took me into the bathroom and stall all of my money and I replied, Who cares?

I'm having a threesome.

Tom and I sat up and said, Good luck with that.

He left.

Go find his money.

I guess I laid back down where I belong.

The lady smushed her breasts back up against my glasses, and the other lady went back to touching my Penis with one hand.

I hope that she would remove my pants at some point, but I thought, Why rush it?

We have all night.

Who needs tomorrow?

And all of a sudden, something hit them.

They decided they didn't really want to be friends with me anymore.

The lady sat up, put her breast back in her breast home, and then they said, All right, it was nice to meet you, and they packed up and took off.

I just thought, man, maybe it was something I said.

Or maybe they didn't like my glasses.

But who am I to say?

You know, they had a change of heart.

That happens.

And then I started to think, Oh, man, that sucks.

That Tom got robbed at the time.

I wasn't worried because I thought I was gonna have sex with two different women at the same time.

I guess I'll have Thio lend him some money.

And then just that moment, I looked down at my big, dumb green duffel bag and the side pocket where I had hidden all of my funny I looked inside, and sure enough, I had $0 to my name.

Yep, they definitely robbed me.

Tom came back at that moment and he said, Yeah, they're gone.

They're long gone way were in quite a pickle.

I had to call my mother and tell her that we had a party in my hotel because I don't want to say I was dumb enough to think I was having a threesome and said, I need you to wire us money.

She had none.

So she called my aunt who wired us money.

We ended up going down to Key West, and then we found, if you tell that story to people, they feel bad and give you drink.

So that kind of worked out.

We ended up being heroes down in Key West.

And I got to be part of my own little Jimmy Buffet song.

He hasn't written it yet, but it felt like the kind of tale Jimmy Buffett himself would tell on a Saturday night on the beach.

A little, uh, one night I went down to Margaritaville and had all of my money taken from May.

Oh, all right.