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  • (upbeat hip hop music)

  • ♪ I got a tax policy that'll break your neck

  • Byaaah

  • Got you all a check

  • Going from Washington down to Vermont

  • Down to byaaah

  • - Byaaah!

  • Byaaah!

  • (inspiring music)

  • - Although America is the greatest nation in the world,

  • we still face many modern problems,

  • and modern problems require modern solutions.

  • Healthcare is in shambles.

  • Medicaid doesn't work.

  • And the insurance industry

  • has made medicine virtually unaffordable.

  • Meanwhile, our neighbors in Canada have free healthcare

  • for all their citizens.

  • So what am I suggesting?

  • Fake Canadian ID cards for all Americans.

  • You get sick.

  • Run on up to Canada to get yourself checked out.

  • Teen pregnancy is a huge problem in this country.

  • And what we need are more programs in place

  • that promote abstinence.

  • My solution?

  • (sultry music) (crowd groaning)

  • Have every high school principal have sex

  • with the oldest teacher in the school

  • in front of the students.

  • And make sure you rub them both with mayonnaise

  • to accentuate the sounds

  • of their old flesh flapping together.

  • This powerful image is sure to be a deterrent

  • that the children will never forget.

  • I'm Dave Chappelle, and I want to represent you.

  • - You know something?

  • We're not just going to go to New Hampshire, Tom Harkin.

  • We're gonna go to New York!

  • We're gonna go to Vermont!

  • We're gonna go to Oregon!

  • We're gonna go to Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania!

  • We're going to Cancun for spring break!

  • We're gonna go to Montreal! We're going to Vancouver!

  • I'm going all over the world,

  • and then I'm coming all the way to Washington, D.C.

  • to take back the White House!

  • Byaaah!

  • (audience laughing)

  • Byaaah!

  • I will kick open the door of the Oval Office,

  • and I will chop that mother (beep) desk in half!

  • Byaaah!

  • And I will grab the Secret Service like this,

  • and put 'em in a headlock, we say, byaaah!

  • And then we'll go upstairs in my bedroom,

  • and we'll grab my wife like this,

  • and we're like, byaaah!

  • And then I'm gonna wash up.

  • I'm gonna wash up, and I'm gonna be like this.

  • Byaaah!

  • Good night.

  • (upbeat hip hop music)

  • ♪ I got a tax policy that'll break your neck

  • Byaaah

  • Got you all a check

  • Going from Washington down to Vermont

  • Down to byaaah

  • - Byaaah!

  • Byaaah!

  • (Howard shrieks)

  • (audience applauding)

  • - [Narrator] President Bush continues to make his case

  • for an invasion of Iraq.

  • - After carefully examining the region, uh,

  • me and my cabinet agree that that area is definitely ripe

  • for a regime change.

  • - All right?

  • - But if I can be real about it-

  • - Be real, son.

  • - Real?

  • - Be real real, son.

  • - He tried to kill my father, man.

  • - What? - For real?

  • - We don't play that (beep).

  • - Say where they tried to kill your father, son.

  • - The (beep) tried to kill my father!

  • - Word to everything we love, we comin' to see y'all, son.

  • (tense militaristic music)

  • - [Narrator] Meanwhile, President Bush

  • and British Prime Minister Tony Blair

  • offered a spirited explanation for a possible war with Iraq.

  • - This (beep) very possibly has weapons of mass destruction.

  • I can't sleep on that! Not on my watch!

  • That's not how I roll! That (beep) is serious!

  • Now, if you don't wanna take my word for it,

  • why don't you ask Tony Blair?

  • He got a whole 'nother set of intelligence. What's up, Tony?

  • - We don't know much about this thing,

  • but we can't trust random (beep) with things like that,

  • as George so eloquently put it.

  • I'm with him 100% of the way.

  • We don't know what he has.

  • - [Reporter] If United States goes to war with Iraq,

  • will it first have to provide evidence

  • that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?

  • So far, the UN has found nothing,

  • but President Bush counters with this.

  • - This (beep) brought aluminum tubes!

  • Do I need to tell you

  • what the (beep) you can do with an aluminum tube?

  • Aluminum!

  • That don't scare you? Fine.

  • I didn't even wanna say this.

  • (dramatic music)

  • The mother (beep) bought some yellow cake, okay? In Africa.

  • He went to Africa and he bought yellow cake.

  • - Are you sure?

  • - Yes, I'm sure, (beep)!

  • I got the head of CIA right here! He'll tell you!

  • - Hooty hoo!

  • Are you sure? Are you sure?

  • I can't believe you mother (beep).

  • Let me tell you something. - Ridiculous, huh?

  • - Ridiculous!

  • Me and Jeb just comin' back from Africa.

  • - Cradle of (beep) civilization.

  • - And this (beep) out here buyin' yellow cake?

  • - [Some Black Dude] From the motherland.

  • - Are you sure it was yellow cake?

  • - Y'all didn't believe me.

  • I got some yellow cake right here.

  • Look, you see? You believe this (beep) now?

  • - Don't drop that (beep)!

  • - I know, I know what to do with it.

  • That's why I got it wrapped up

  • in this special CIA napkin. - Just don't drop

  • that (beep) there.

  • - [Black Head Of CIA] Yeah, hope I don't drop this (beep)!

  • - Pray to god you don't drop that (beep).

  • - Yellow cake.

  • - You (beep) right.

  • (dramatic music)

  • - [Reporter] A sensitive accusation for this administration

  • is the theory held by many that the real reason

  • the US is so interested in toppling Saddam

  • is control of the oil that Iraq is sitting on.

  • - [Reporter] What about people who say

  • you're only interested in the Middle East for oil?

  • - What?

  • Huh, oil?

  • Who said something about oil, (beep)? You cookin'?

  • Oil? (mumbling)

  • Man, I don't know what- (glass clinks)

  • Come on, y'all! (beep)

  • (audience laughing)

  • - [Reporter] President Bush met

  • with UN Secretary General Kofi Annan

  • and made it clear the US will act

  • even if the UN is reluctant.

  • - UN, you have a problem with that?

  • You know what you should do?

  • You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army.

  • Oh, wait a minute! You don't have an army!

  • I guess that means you need to shut the (beep) up.

  • That's what I'd do if I didn't have no army.

  • I would shh the (beep) up.

  • Shut the (beep) up!

  • That's right!

  • Kofi Annan, you think I'm gonna take orders from an African?

  • You might speak 16 languages,

  • but you gonna need 'em when you in Times Square

  • sellin' fake hats.

  • I know Gucci when I see it. I'm rich.

  • I got a coalition of the willing.

  • I got 40 nations ready to roll, son!

  • - [Reporter] Like who?

  • - Who (beep) said that? Huh?

  • Huh? Like who?

  • England!

  • Japan's sending PlayStations.

  • Stankonia said they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad.

  • Riggity-Row is coming.

  • Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation.

  • Which means I am not doing this by myself,

  • and I'm not disrepectin' the UN,

  • even though they don't got no army.

  • Go sell some medicine, (beep)!

  • I'm trying to get that oil, (coughs).

  • (audience laughs)

  • (tense music)

  • - [Reporter] The US fired the opening salvo

  • in the war on Iraq with at least 40 Tomahawk cruise missiles

  • and precision-guided bombs centering on Baghdad.

  • ("Hail to the Chief")

  • - [Anchor] Good evening.

  • Tonight, President George Bush is onboard

  • the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln

  • off the California coast.

  • It will the site of what is essentially his victory speech

  • in the war against Iraq.

  • - (clears throat) What did I say?

  • I'm not gloatin', but what did I say?

  • Did not say that we would win that (beep)?

  • We rocked them bammers! We rocked 'em!

  • Did you see me comin' on that plane?

  • (imitates jet engine roaring)

  • (imitates gunfire clattering)

  • (audience laughing)

  • - Mr. President, Mr. President, sir.

  • How do you explain the continual upheaval in Iraq

  • even after the capture of Saddam Hussein?

  • - Why you doin' this, man?

  • I thought you was my Black brother.

  • Why you askin' me questions like that?

  • Fine, I'll answer your stupid-ass question.

  • Here's what I feel about Iraq.

  • I feel like you guys

  • keep tryin' to distract people with Iraq

  • when I'm focusin' on other things, namely the Moon.

  • Yes, I said it. The Moon.

  • Can't be distracted.

  • What's going on with the war? What's wrong with the economy?

  • Stop worryin' about that! I got that (beep) under control!

  • - Locked! - Let's focus on space!

  • The United States of Space,

  • 'cause I ain't stoppin' at the Moon.

  • - You sayin' something. - Write this down.

  • M-A-R-S, Mars, (beep).

  • That's where we are going.

  • Mars! Red rocks!

  • - Yay yay!

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience clapping)

  • - Please be seated.

  • Hello, America.

  • As you all know, there's an asteroid the size of Maine

  • speeding towards Earth as we speak.

  • I would like to take a moment out of the day to, uh,

  • address the allegations that this is somehow my fault.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Firstly, I'd like to say that these allegations

  • are absolutely and 100% false.

  • Secondly and most importantly,

  • I'd like to say that you mother (beep) disgust me!

  • You're goddamn right I said it.

  • If you knew just one of the things

  • I was sworn to secrecy to,

  • you would buckle under the goddamn pressure.

  • (reporters murmuring) - Mr. President,

  • Mr. President.

  • - Like what?

  • - How 'bout this?

  • I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS.

  • (reporters murmuring)

  • We've had this for 25 years.

  • (reporters gasp)

  • Have a great weekend.

  • Did I shock you? Are you crazy yet?

  • Well, I have somebody I'd like you to meet.

  • Come on up here, Paula.

  • America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula.

  • And here's Paula again.

  • And here's Paula one more time.

  • We cloned these three bitches in a laboratory in Seattle