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  • - Like the most innocent thing you can do in a relationship.

  • like on a first date, is kiss.

  • That's first base,

  • but now first base is like (beep).

  • That's more appropriate.

  • (laughing)

  • (upbeat music)

  • - Hey guys, welcome to "Stir Crazy,"

  • or as my mom refers to it,

  • that show where you talk to people I don't know.

  • Well, mom, my guest today is a world renowned roaster,

  • podcaster and stand up comedian.

  • It's the nicest meanest lady in the business.

  • It's Nikki Glaser.

  • - Oh, hello,

  • Nicest meanest, that, that,

  • that feels right.

  • - You don't want the reverse.

  • You don't want the meanest nicest person,

  • or else then you're then you're Ellen DeGeneres, I guess.

  • (laughing)

  • - Yeah, I pride myself on trying to be nice.

  • - You're talking to me from the show business capital

  • of the world, your parents' house in St. Louis.

  • - Yeah.

  • Yeah.

  • - How crazy exciting is it right now?

  • What's the level of madness at Chay Glaser?

  • - It's funny, 'cause my friend just sent me an article

  • that was said that 52%

  • of young adults are currently living with their parents.

  • And I was like, yes.

  • And then I looked up what young adults were,

  • and I've aged out of that by seven years.

  • It's just kind of sweet, man.

  • I don't have a husband,

  • I don't have kids,

  • I don't have a family of my own.

  • My parents are pretty awesome.

  • They're extremely happy with my six.

  • I mean, I didn't put those up,

  • these posters,

  • they celebrate me.

  • So I'm kind of in like my own Planet Hollywood,

  • but it's like all of my memorabilia,

  • ultimately reminding me of what I used to be.

  • - You're always very open about dating, about your sex life.

  • Obviously these are weird times.

  • Have you changed your expectations

  • given where you're at now?

  • Are you like I'm cool with just like,

  • this is a pause.

  • - Dating right now is completely on pause.

  • And yeah, it's weird being in St. Louis.

  • When I lived in Los Angeles and New York,

  • I was on the celebrity dating app.

  • - Like on Riot in St. Louis

  • it's like you and John Hamm and like Abby Cohen,

  • like this is like it's over.

  • - Yeah, it's not,

  • John Hamm's not even in town,

  • believe me I've been looking.

  • (laughing)

  • - Did you happen to see,

  • I noticed there was an article,

  • like a Canadian doctor said that sex during COVID,

  • they would recommend wearing a mask and no kissing?

  • - Oh, wow.

  • - What do you think?

  • - Okay.

  • Yeah, that,

  • that could actually be good

  • because it would be easier to pretend he's someone else.

  • Even listening to

  • the song "WAP," you know, she goes,

  • spit in my mouth,

  • and I go Cardi.

  • Like the rest of that song is like filthy,

  • but that's the line where I'm like, (gasping sound),

  • you can't do that right now.

  • I mean, and kissing is so intimate,

  • it's kind of disgusting.

  • So I guess I'm okay with that.

  • - The good news is that the same Canadian doctor,

  • I think, has said that glory holes are okay.

  • I'm totally being serious.

  • - That checks out because it does seem ridiculous.

  • Like the most innocent thing you can do in a relationship

  • like on a first date is kiss.

  • Like that's first base.

  • But now first base is like eating ass.

  • Like that's more appropriate.

  • - So I like to play a little game

  • we call Quaranteam.

  • I'm gonna name a friend of yours, an associate you,

  • you tell me if you want them in the bunker with you,

  • if you want them on your quaranteam in these times.

  • - Got it.

  • - Okay.

  • The great Joe Rogan, podcaster, comedian.

  • Do you want Joe in on the quaranteam?

  • - Yeah dude.

  • Joe Rogan's like a survivalist.

  • He is emotionally equipped to handle stressful situations,

  • and he's rich as fuck.

  • So his bunker is going to be sweet.

  • - Your friend and buddy Whitney Cummings.

  • Do you want Whitney on the Quaranteam?

  • - She's a lot,

  • and then she would even say that,

  • and I'm a lot too.

  • It's like too much of a lotness together,

  • but she's also someone,

  • yes, okay, Whitney, I need her

  • because she is emotionally more wise than I am.

  • And also she's rich as fuck.

  • - (laughing) I'm noticing a theme here.

  • - Come on the bunker would be amazing, so yeah.

  • - T. Swift, Taylor Swift.

  • - Yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

  • Oh my God yes.

  • I mean, I just got so excited like that could even happen.

  • - Just to be clear, it's not gonna happen, Nikki.

  • I don't wanna give you false hope.

  • - I know.

  • I just want to be friends with her and get to know her.

  • And I do actually think we'd get along very well

  • and have a good time.

  • And I would give her her space to create,

  • and she would probably very much influence me artistically.

  • So I feel like I'd come out

  • of the experience a better person.

  • And I feel like the only way that I can actually

  • become friends with her is if she were forced to be.

  • And so, yes.

  • Yes.

  • - A lot of great friendships

  • have happened that way, I'm sure.

  • Last one for you.

  • Leonardo DiCaprio.

  • Do you want to be in a bunker with Leonardo DiCaprio?

  • He is rich as fuck, I have to say that.

  • - Rich as fuck.

  • I would say no 'cause he would,

  • he would be so grossed out

  • that I'm in my 30's that I would be,

  • I would constantly feel not good enough.

  • Well, if we're in a bunker together

  • he might have to just accept the fact that

  • I'm all he's got. - This is what he's got.

  • - Okay, yes because that's the only way

  • I will ever be able to sleep with Leo.

  • So yes, yes, definitely.

  • Because I think that'd be the only way.

  • He's older than me.

  • Can I just put that out there?

  • - Much older, much older than you, by the way.

  • - I know.

  • But it doesn't feel that way.

  • - We talked a little bit about your experience

  • roasting, obviously.

  • On the Comedy Central Roasts,

  • you're always amazing on those.

  • And I got to think that sometimes

  • when you're at that dais

  • and you're delivering some of those,

  • often they're people you don't even know well, or at all.

  • Is there one joke in particular you remember saying

  • I have to do this, but this is gonna be hard for me?

  • - When I roasted Caitlin Jenner,

  • I think that was the most terrified

  • I have ever been to roast someone

  • because she had kind of caught wind

  • of some jokes that I was doing before the roast

  • that she did not want to be done,

  • like about something totally different

  • than what you would think,