Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Well, hi there.

  • Welcome to a late show.

  • I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

  • Folks, after a four year national nightmare, we all just want to move on with not being able to move at all because of the pandemic.

  • But we've still got a few loose ends from the last administration we've got to clear up, like inciting a murderous mob to attack the Congress and overthrow democracy.

  • Just bits and bobs, you know, dust.

  • Bust it.

  • I'll give you the latest in tonight's Don and the Giant Impeach to go fast were furious.

  • Oh, blank.

  • It's pretty disgusting, right?

  • Last night, House impeachment managers deliver the article of impeachment to the Senate, although it's so fresh, it's where it's not delivery.

  • It's dis addition.

  • Once they got to the Senate floor, the single charge was laid out by impeachment manager and guy Who's Carpet is the drapes.

  • Jamie Raskin and Congressman Raskin did not mince words.

  • Donald John Trump engaged in high crimes and misdemeanors by inciting violence against the government of the United States.

  • Section three of the 14th Amendment of the Constitution prohibits any person who has quote engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the United States.

  • from holding any office under the United States.

  • Thank you.

  • When you incite insurrection against your own government, you don't get to hold office again.

  • That's why, after the Civil War, Confederate President Jefferson Davis had to get a job.

  • But Best Buy now.

  • The last impeachment was presided over by Chief Justice John Roberts, but reportedly Roberts did not enjoy the first trial and is opting out this time.

  • As new Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer explained.

  • So it was up to John Roberts whether he wanted to preside with the president, who is no longer sitting and he doesn't want to do it.

  • Well, at least he has a sound constitutional reason he doesn't wanna.

  • As the Constitution says, When the president of United States is tried, the chief justice shall preside.

  • Unless he's not in the mood, In which case we wouldn't want to inconvenience.

  • The Big Baby was saving the Republic.

  • So now they've decided it's going to be overseen by Senate President pro tempore Pat Leahy of Vermont.

  • Leahy, a Democrat, has already voted once to convict the 45th president and remove him from office, so Republicans say he's not impartial.

  • But Leahy has proved he is committed to the fight for justice because and this is true, he's been in five Batman movies.

  • To put that in perspective, he's been in Mawr Batman movies than the Batman, and he's got experience with heavily made up clowns sending their goons to destroy the city.

  • Speaking of which presidential clown car may eventually be pulling up to the capital because Senate procedure dictates that an official summons for the trial will also be sent to the former president.

  • Now, this is just a legal document.

  • Normally, to some of the former president, you have to draw a pentagram made of extra crispy today.

  • For the second time as many years senators were sworn in, his jurors and Leahy lead them in the oath.

  • All senators now rise and raise their right hand.

  • Do you solemnly swear me, Bruce, please, You're not helping anyway.

  • He's warming.

  • Now, to get a conviction, the House is gonna have to convince 17 Republican senators that the former president incited the riot.

  • And even though they were all hustled out through secret tunnels to keep them from being murdered by the president's own bloodthirsty fascist squad of goons, they're on the fence.

  • Take Iowa senator and Disney villain saying Let me be clear, your little playground will be my next strip mine.

  • Joni Ernst.

  • She was in the capital when it was attacked, but doesn't blame the former president, explaining he exhibited poor leadership.

  • I think we could all agree with that, But it was these people that came into the capital.

  • They did it knowingly, so they bear the responsibility.

  • Yes, that's his defense.

  • He didn't actually go with his cult members to commit the murders, so he's not guilty.

  • I'm sorry that was actually Charles Manson's defense, but I'm sure Charlie would fit in with those rioters.

  • He's got the team tattoo now.

  • Impeachment or no, it's a rough time for the former president.

  • When he got to March a Lago, he was greeted there with the presidential flyover.

  • In this case, prop planes pulling banners that read, You pathetic loser, go back to Moscow and worst president ever.

  • You're off the hook.

  • Kevin Spacey.

  • Now, things didn't get much better once the president settled into his new digs, According to a source familiar with the situation, Mar a Lago has become a sad and dispirited place since the ex president moved in as opposed to before he moved in when it was hailed as the number one luxury Covic hotspot, where you can enjoy room temperature chowder while a Chinese spy loads malware onto your phone.

  • But with the ex president back, the mood has gotten so dark that a lot of people have quit march a lago, for Pete's sake.

  • He's been there for six days.

  • Imagine what a Donny Downer he must be for people who already throw in the towel.

  • Okay, here, here he comes.

  • Jeez, Looks pretty sad.

  • I'm sure you know his mood will improve once time has passed.

  • Okay?

  • And he's yanking the chocolate fountain off the buffet and carrying it into the sauna.

  • Yeah, I'd like my deposit back.

  • Mhm.

  • And I'm being told we have breaking Covad news.

  • We have breaking news on co vid.

  • It's still out there, so we're still stuck in here in our homes watching TV on the edge of our seats for this hot.

  • Will they or won't they ever give us a vaccine action?

  • The tension is literally killing us, and I'll tell you all about it.

  • In tonight's edition of Catch A third wave.

  • Endless Bummer.

  • Hello on the British Vary it.

  • I'm a super gala.

  • Fragile ist that gets me Allah Virus.

  • Jim!

  • Jiminy Jim!

  • Jiminy Jim!

  • Jim Maju.

  • Hey, it's Oh, damn it, You gotta reload.

  • Oh, you're so lucky.

  • This is right here for the rest.

  • Rest of the monologue.

  • I'll put it up here.

  • What?

  • Loaded?

  • Yeah, with a new president in charge.

  • Help is on the way over to Congress.

  • Not sure what happens then.

  • Today we learned that Biden wants Congress to pass his covert relief bill before March.

  • Yes, ideally before last March, which I think this still is.

  • It goes 30 days hath September.

  • It's been march since I can't remember now.

  • Americans desperately need help.

  • But the bill is slowed down by a couple of factors, including the impeachment and confirming Biden's Cabinet.

  • Plus, Biden has been trying to win support from Republicans for his proposal, but so far none have endorsed it.

  • So don't hold your breath.

  • Although actually holding your breath would be a pretty good idea because the virus is becoming even more viral.

  • Turns out, the coronavirus is changing faster than scientists thought, leading to new variants like one in Britain.

  • That's up to 50% more contagious, a variant in South Africa that may be more adept at dodging antibodies in the blood stream and a deadly new variant from Brazil.

  • Now that one's easy toe identify because it looks fantastic in a two piece because it's smooth as an eel down there, right, there you go.

  • You cut that, don't you?

  • Don't you dare.

  • Don't you dare.

  • No, no.

  • Oh, you're so lucky.

  • Yeah, senseless violence.

  • Yeah, Unlike people, these mutations don't have any travel restrictions.

  • The variant from Brazil was recently found in Minnesota.

  • It's the Midwest's most dangerous Brazilian imports since fall.

  • Go to Chow.

  • Hey, I'm spending 40 bucks on meat.

  • I'm packing my lungs with hot beef.

  • Now, vaccine makers say they're shot should be effective against most of the new strains, though Madonna says it might take a third shot.

  • The problem is, how do you get the first shot?

  • Well, there's good news, because just before we went on the air tonight, President Biden came out with a brand new announcement.

  • He ordered a bunch of new vaccines.

  • We believe that we'll soon be able to confirm the purchase of an additional 100 billion doses for each of the two FDA authorized vaccine, Pfizer and Moderna.

  • That's 100 million MAWR doses of Pfizer and 100 million more doses of modernity 200 million more doses than the federal government had previously secured.

  • That increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50% from 400 million order to 600 million.

  • It'll be enough to fully vaccinated 300 Americans to beat this pandemic.

  • 300 million Americans, 200 million MAWR doses.

  • Oh baby, America's got a new boyfriend and he is spoiling us, and we are loving it.

  • And by spoiling us, I mean not leaving us to fend for ourselves in the face of a deadly pandemic.

  • And by loving it, I mean lapping at Because Americans are desperate to start their vaccinations and, it turns out, stars.

  • They're just like us because the Hollywood elite are in a cove in 19 vaccine scramble, leveraging their clout and connections to be the first to get inoculated as well they should.

  • If the Hollywood elite don't survive this, who will sing us?

  • Imagine during the next pandemic.

  • Now there's some good news from Washington Yet another thing is returning to somewhat normal, because on Sunday, presidential dogs returned to the White House that dogs air back.

  • Jim, Thank you.

  • Oh, yeah.

  • Oh, play ball.

  • I know it was the national anthem, but somebody throw them ball, they gotta be a little bored.

  • I wanna I wanna point something out here.

  • I and I did not know I was gonna be on camera for that.

  • When I heard that Mursal, I thought, Oh, my goodness, I love how long that is.

  • I got all that time to drink coffee or go for a walk.

  • Don't cut a second of Don't cut a second of it.

  • The two very good boys are 12 year old champ Biden, seen here waiting patiently for the most powerful man in the world to pick up his poop.

  • And two year old major Biden, seen here on Inauguration Day being told he might meet J.

  • Lo the canine.

  • Biden's already have their own Children's book champ and major First Dogs.

  • So much better than the Children's book about Nixon's dog.

  • E think Checkers is wearing a wire.

  • I do have one quibble with it.

  • Storybook.

  • Joe Biden really looks like he's had some work done.

  • He looks fantastic, man.

  • I got to get a better illustrator.

  • The first dogs are already making their presence felt yesterday during the signing of an executive order lifting the ban on transgender people serving in the U.

  • S.

  • Military.

  • We heard this.

  • That's nice.

  • They're either excited for social justice or they're desperate to get into the Oval Office because the previous occupant soaked everything with burger juice.

  • But the first dogs may not be the top dogs for long, because Jill Biden has said that she would love to get a cat.

  • Now, you might say there's already enough fighting like cats and dogs in Washington.

  • But remember, President Biden has promised unity.

  • He's gonna bring the cats and the dogs together in the spirit of compromise, even though some cats are clearly fascist.

  • All these animals are especially exciting because the previous first family did not have any pets for the four years they lived in the White House.

  • That is unless, of course, you count Lindsey Graham.

Well, hi there.