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  • BUT FIRST, AND THIS IS NOT EASY TO SAY, WE HAVE AN APOLOGY TO

  • MAKE.

  • THIS IS A LATE-NIGHT SHOW.

  • WHICH MEANS THIS SHOW IS PRETTY MUCH A NEWS SHOW.

  • IT'S THE NEWS.

  • YOU KNOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T BELIEVE I'M EXAGGERATING

  • WHEN I SAY WE'RE THE CROWN JEWEL IN THE CBS NEWS EMPIRE.

  • RIGHT, REG?

  • THANK YOU.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE KNOW THAT YOU COME HERE FOR

  • UNVARNISHED FACTS.

  • IT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE.

  • AND I REGRET TO SAY THAT WE GOT ONE WRONG, AND FOR THAT WE ARE

  • DEEPLY SORRY.

  • LAST WEEK, YOU MAY REMEMBER WE TOLD YOU THIS -- BIDEN IS MAKING

  • SOME OTHER CHANGES AS WELL, HE APPARENTLY HAS REMOVED DONALD

  • TRUMP'S DIET COKE BUTTON FROM THE OVAL OFFICE.

  • >> AH!

  • >> James: AND IT FALLS ON ME TO INFORM YOU THAT ISN'T TRUE.

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN DID NOT IN FACT REMOVE TRUMP'S DIET COKE BUTTON.

  • I ASSURE YOU THE PERSON WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HAS BEEN

  • FIRED.

  • THEY WILL NEVER WORK IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) STEVE, WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) GREAT RUN.

  • BUT THE WHITE HOUSE CLARIFIED THAT THE SO-CALLED USHER BUTTON

  • IS NOT GONE FROM HIS DESK, BUT

  • WOULDN'T SAY WHAT BIDEN WILL USE IT FOR.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT HE SHOULD USE IT FOR?

  • HE SHOULD USE IT FOR USHER.

  • HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF A WORLD LEADER WAS LIKE, "DO YOU AGREE

  • TO THIS TREATY?" AND BIDEN WAS LIKE...

  • YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHILE WE'RE MAKING CORRECTIONS

  • I ALSO SAID LAST NIGHT THAT WE HAD A GREAT SHOW PLANNED FOR

  • YOU -- ( LAUGHTER )

  • IT WAS FINE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, EARLIER TODAY, ALL

  • 100 SENATORS WERE SWORN IN AS JURORS FOR DONALD TRUMP'S

  • UPCOMING IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, WHICH STARTS ON FEBRUARY 8.

  • THE TRIAL IS TO DETERMINE IF THE ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL BY

  • THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WEARING FLAGS AND HATS THAT SAID "TRUMP"

  • IS THE FAULT OF-- GET THIS-- TRUMP.

  • BUT HONESTLY, I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY THE

  • AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY FOR JUSTICE RIGHT NOW.

  • AND I DON'T CARE IF IT'S TRUMP, OR VICTORIA FROM "THE BACHELOR,"

  • BUT SOMEONE NEEDS TO PAY FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

  • THE TRIAL STARTS FEBRUARY 8 I STRUGGLE WITH THE WORD

  • FEBRUARY.

  • I NEVER KNOW QUITE TO DO.

  • >> Reggie: I WANT TO SAY FEBRUARY (PRONOUNCING THE R).

  • >> James: SOMETIMES I JUST GO FEBRUARY -- HOW TO YOU SAY IT,

  • AVO.

  • >> I'M A BIG FEB GUY.

  • I'M A FEB BOY.

  • >> James: FEB14.

  • YEAH.

  • >> James: THAT'S SO SMART.

  • I'M ALL FEB.

  • >> Reggie: NOW YOU KNOW HOW JON FAVREAU HAD TO DEAL WITH A

  • LOT OF PEOPLE PRONOUNCING HIS NAME.

  • >> HOW ELSE WOULD YOU PRONOUNCE THAT?

  • ( REGGIE PRONOUNCING ) >> James: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

  • JON FAVREAU DEEJAY?

  • >> Reggie: NO.

  • >> James: OH, MY GOD HE IS THE GREATEST DEEJAY I HAVE EVER

  • WITNESSED, AND YOU KNOW I'M NEVER NOT IN THE CLUB, RIGHT?

  • >> TOTALLY, YEP.

  • >> James: PRIX COVID, POST-COVID, THAT'S WHERE YOU

  • WILL FIND ME, I WILL BE IN THE CLUB POPPING BOTTLES.

  • JON FAVREAU, I WAS AT A PARTY AFTER THE GRAMMYS A FEW YEARS

  • AGO AND I WAS STILL CHATTING AND SONG AFTER SONG AFTER SONG, IT

  • WAS BANGER, HE WAS FLIPPING THINGS, AND I'VE NEVER SAID THIS

  • IN MY LIFE BEFORE, I SAID, I'M SO SORRY, I'VE GOT TO GO SEE WHO

  • THIS DEEJAY WAS.

  • I WALKED THROUGH A PACKED BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND FOUND THE DEEJAY

  • BOOTH, IT WAS FAVREAU SPINNING WAX, IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I SAID WERE YOU DEEJAY ON THE

  • SHOW?

  • AND HE SAID, NO, MAN, IT'S JUST FOR ME.

  • MADE ME LOVE HIM ETCH MORE.

  • JUST IN ANOTHER WORLD.

  • I LOOK AT ME AND THEN AT FAVREAU AND I THINK, YOU'VE ACHIEVED

  • NOTHING, JAMES.

  • I CAN'T DEEJAY, I CAN'T COOK THAT WELL -- NOT AS WELL AS HIM.

  • WELL, I'M GLAD WE WENT DOWN THIS ROAD.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JOHN, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, I KNOW

  • YOU ARE, NEVER MISS AN EPISODE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I THINK I CAN SAFELY SAY WE

  • WOULD LOVE JON FAVREAU TO COME SPIN SOME WAX ONE NIGHT,

  • WOULDN'T WE?

  • >> Reggie: OH, YEAH.

  • [ APPLAUSE ] >> James: IN AND OUT, IN AND

  • OUT, AND I WOULD SAY WE CAN'T AFFORD TO CLEAR THAT SONG, JOHN,

  • HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO FEBRUARY.

  • THE TRIAL STARTS FEBRUARY 8 THE DAY AFTER THE SUPER BOWL.

  • WHICH MEANS THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE CHUCK SCHUMER'S GOING TO

  • SHOW UP TO THE TRIAL LIKE THIS: ( LAUGHTER )

  • MEANWHILE, SENATE MINORITY LEADER -- HOW GREAT IS IT SAYING

  • THAT?

  • SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH McCONNELL HAS

  • DROPPED HIS DEMAND THAT DEMOCRATS COMMIT TO PRESERVING

  • THE FILIBUSTER, WHICH WILL NOW MAKE IT EASIER FOR THE TWO

  • PARTIES TO SHARE POWER TOGETHER.

  • MCCONNELL COMPROMISED WHEN CHUCK SCHUMER OFFERED HIM AN EXTRA TWO

  • HOURS A DAY UNDER THE SUNLAMP IN HIS TERRARIUM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT JOKE FLEW FAR BETTER THAN I

  • THOUGHT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER NEWS, ACCORDING TO

  • RECENT REPORTS, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS LOOKING TO

  • SPEED UP THE RELEASE OF NEW $20 BILLS FEATURING HARRIET

  • TUBMAN.

  • TUBMAN WOULD REPLACE FORMER PROBLEMATIC PRESIDENT ANDREW

  • JACKSON ON THE 20.

  • BIDEN'S LOOKING TO REPLACE A PROBLEMATIC WHITE MAN WITH AN

  • INSPIRING BLACK WOMAN.

  • HE'S ALREADY DONE IT WITH MIKE PENCE, WHY NOT?

  • I FEEL LIKE EVERY FEW YEARS WE SHOULD BE CYCLING NEW PEOPLE ON

  • CURRENCY, JUST TO KEEP LIFE INTERESTING.

  • HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO ONE DAY WALK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP AND

  • SAY, "I'M GOING TO BUY THAT CAR AND I'M GOING TO PAY FOR IT IN

  • ALL TED DANSONS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) A NASAL SPRAY THAT BLOCKS

  • COVID 19 COULD REPLY BE AVAILABL OVER-THE-COUNTER BY SUMMER.

  • FINALLY AN OPTION FOR THE MAN WHO REFUSES TO PULL THE MASK UP

  • OVER HIS NOSE.

  • IT IS EXCITING, A NASAL SPRAY, THIS MEANS PEOPLE MIGHT FINALLY

  • BE ABLE TO DATE PHENAND NOTHING CAN PUT YOUR PARTNER IN THE MOOD

  • LIKE, CAN WE GO UPSTAIRS?

  • SURE.

  • HOLD ON, BABE -- ( SNORING )

  • YOU GET CHANGE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( SNORING )

  • JUST WANT TO BE SAFE.

  • I'M FEELING HORNY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?

  • DOCTORS ARE WARNING PEOPLE AGAINST A NEW BEAUTY CRAZE

  • STARTED BY A TIKTOK INFLUENCER, WHERE YOU SMOTHER YOUR LIPS WITH

  • CHEAP, OVER-THE-COUNTER "ERECTION CREAM" TO MAKE THEM

  • LOOK BIGGER.

  • TALK ABOUT A STIFF UPPER LIP.

  • ( RIM SHOT ) THIS IS CRAZY.

  • WHO WOULD PUT CHEAP OVER-THE-COUNTER ERECTION CREAM

  • ON THEIR LIPS?

  • WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

  • AND THEY SAY IT DOESN'T PRIOR A PRESCRIPTION, AND IT'S

  • AFFORDABLE.

  • AND IT'S AFFORDABLE?

  • WHERE EXACTLY ARE THEY SELLING IT?

  • I WOULD LOVE TO JUST GO DOWN AND WARN PEOPLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, THIS IS FUN.

  • A WOMAN RETURNED HOME TO THE U.K. AFTER VISITING -- ERECTION

  • CREAM, YOU PUT IT ON BEFORE YOU'VE GOT AN ERECTION OR DOES

  • IT PROLONG THE ERECTION?

  • >> Reggie: I THINK IT PROLONGS IT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE REALLY

  • WEIRD -- NO -- YEAH, I THINK YOU OBTAIN -- YOU GET AN ERECTION,

  • YOU PAY FOR IT, IT APPEARS, AND THEN YOU PUT THE SALVE ON THE --

  • >> James: YOU PUT IT ON THE ERECTION.

  • >> Reggie: RIGHT, IT REDUCES SENSITIVITY AND YOU'RE READY TO

  • GO.

  • >> James: AND HOW LONG DOES IT LAST, REG, BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO

  • KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT.

  • >> Reggie: I USE IT ALL THE TIME.

  • >> James: REALLY.

  • >> Reggie: THE MINIMUM YOU NEED TO MAKE LOVE IS 16 MINUTES,

  • SO 16 TO 17 MINUTES.

  • >> James: 17 MINUTES.

  • >> Reggie: 16 TO 17, YEAH.

  • >> James: FROM START TO FINISH.

  • >> Reggie: YEAH, DEPENDING ON THE PERSON, BUT THAT'S THE

  • AVERAGE.

  • >> James: THAT'S THE AVERAGE.

  • >> Reggie: THAT'S THE AVERAGE, YEAH.

  • >> James: SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME TO ME.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, THIS IS FUN,

  • A WOMAN RETURNED HOME TO THE U.K. AFTER VISITING NEW YORK

  • CITY, AND WHILE SHE WAS GOING THROUGH HER VACATION PHOTOS, SHE

  • DISCOVERED THAT ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY FEATURED-- WELL, TAKE A

  • LOOK.

  • HERE SHE IS HAVING HER PHOTO TAKEN AND LOOK AT THIS, SIR PAUL

  • MCCARTNEY.

  • SHE WALKED BY HIM WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING.

  • HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE PAUL MCCARTNEY CROSSING A ROAD

  • IT'S LIKE HIS MOST FAMOUS ICONIC IMAGE.

  • IT'S HIS FAMOUS ALBUM COVER IS HIM CROSSING A ROAD.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

  • SHE WAS GOING TO PHOTOSHOP PAUL MCCARTNEY OUT, BUT THEN

  • ULTIMATELY SHE DECIDED TO JUST... LET IT BE.

  • ( RIM SHOT ) >> OH!

  • >> James: AND HERE'S THE THING - WASN'T HER ONLY SURPRISE

  • SIGHTING IN NEW YORK.

  • TAKE A LOOK AT THIS OTHER PHOTO FROM JUST DOWN THE STREET.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S EXACTLY THE LAUGH THAT

  • DESERVED, RIGHT?

  • THAT IS EXACTLY THE LAUGH THAT DESERVED.

  • >> Reggie: WHO IS IT?

  • LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT PHOTO AGAIN.

  • >> Reggie: YEAH, WHO IS THAT?

  • HARRY STILES FIANCEÉ AND -- LADY GAGA?

  • TO BE CLEAR, THAT WAS A FAKE IMAGE.

  • WE DID THAT.

BUT FIRST, AND THIS IS NOT EASY TO SAY, WE HAVE AN APOLOGY TO

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Is Trump's Diet Coke Button Here to Stay??

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/27
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