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  • - If you don't know what Staten Island is,

  • it's like New York's abortion that lived.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Shitty place.

  • Nah, there's good people everywhere,

  • but like not in Staten Island, not at all.

  • - [Announcer] Let's give it up

  • for Pete Davidson.

  • - Yay, what's up adults?

  • How are you doing, are you good?

  • I just dropped out of college, anybody else?

  • Yeah.

  • I dropped out 'cause I was dorm-ing

  • and I didn't like dorm-ing.

  • That's it.

  • I didn't speak to any of my roommates

  • and I think it's 'cause like the first morning,

  • we all woke up with a boner.

  • We were like, "This isn't for any of us."

  • (audience laughs)

  • One time we ran out of toilet paper

  • and we just didn't get any.

  • But everybody took a shit every day.

  • And nobody knew what they used.

  • It was like this don't ask, don't tell policy

  • that we had.

  • One time my roommate came out of the bathroom

  • with one sock.

  • I was like, "Fuck, we need toilet paper, holy shit."

  • This is getting real.

  • I have no game with women

  • 'cause I went to an all boy Catholic school.

  • Which is like an educational cock block.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It's not very fun.

  • Here's something that should never happen

  • in an all boys school,

  • uh, don't get an erection.

  • There's no excuse for that, at all.

  • It just shouldn't happen 'cause there's priests there.

  • And priests are like sharks when you get a cut

  • in the water.

  • I got my priest to stop hitting on me, though.

  • It was easy.

  • I introduced him to my little brother.

  • I got an A.

  • I'm a pot head, I'm pretty sure you could tell.

  • Yeah.

  • I smoke weed 'cause the commercials against it suck.

  • Like the cigarette commercials are good, they're good.

  • The lady has no fingers.

  • I'm like, "Nah, I need those."

  • (audience laughs)

  • "How am I gonna smoke weed with no fingers?"

  • (audience laughs)

  • There's certain things I can't do when I'm high.

  • I figured this out recently.

  • I can't play Call of Duty 'cause I'm afraid of dying.

  • Soon as the game starts, I just hide behind a rock.

  • I'm like, "You guys go!

  • "I'm gonna listen to these fifth graders call me a homo

  • "for the next 32 minutes."

  • All my friends are black if you can't tell

  • by my sneakers, Jordan's!

  • You ever have a black guy compliment your sneakers?

  • You're like, "Oh wow, these must be cool."

  • (audience laughs)

  • If a white guy compliments my sneakers,

  • I'm like, "I'm gonna throw these out, these must,

  • "what do I look like, I have a kid coming?"

  • I'm from Staten Island, I'm sorry everybody.

  • If you guys don't know what Staten Island is,

  • it's like New York's abortion that lived.

  • Like it shouldn't.

  • It's this awful place where dreams die and

  • I'm from there.

  • Like, the only good thing we have

  • are women sex offenders, I think that's awesome.

  • It's actually why I still live there.

  • If I turn on Fox News and the guy's like,

  • "Woman rapes three kids ages 13 to 17 in the woods,"

  • I'm like, "Mom, I'm going camping.

  • "You got that Boy Scout outfit from third grade?"

  • "It won't fit you!"

  • "That's the point."

  • Yeah.

  • Hi guys, are you good?

  • - [Audience] Yeah!

  • - I'm very depressed everybody.

  • I am, I just turned 20, and

  • it's over, it's done.

  • I just moved out of my mom's house

  • and I've realized something.

  • I'm gonna fucking die, I'm not gonna make it.

  • I'm not, I thought about it.

  • I'm 6'3, I'm 140 pounds.

  • I have a problem with wind.

  • My friends are like, "You wanna go out?"

  • I'm like, "You gotta check the forecast first.

  • "You might lose a friend."

  • When I used to live with my mom,

  • I just thought she was annoying.

  • I thought she was annoying and she cock blocked

  • my masturbation time, that's all.

  • (audience laughs)

  • 'Cause she was the room next door,

  • so every time I would get it going,

  • I would like hear her sneeze

  • and it would throw off my timing.

  • And I'm like, "I can't finish now.

  • "Mommy's sick. (audience laughs)

  • "She might need these tissues."

  • (audience laughs)

  • I miss living at my mom's house.

  • When I used to live in my mom's house,

  • I used to be able to jerk off in my bed

  • and then the next day it would be gone.

  • Now I live on my own.

  • It just stays there, it's not going anywhere.

  • It's not going anywhere til I move.

  • I don't have the same fears I do now though,

  • jerking off by myself than when I lived in my mom's house,

  • 'cause I used to jerk off in my mom's bathroom.

  • 'Cause it smelled nice and there was lotion.

  • And I just realized now I was jerking off

  • to my mom's scent, so that's fucking great, anyway.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It just hit me.

  • No but it was, my biggest fear,

  • 'cause I used to jerk off in her bathroom all the time

  • and sometimes I would finish on the toilet seat

  • and my biggest fear is that one day she would

  • just sit on it and get pregnant.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Every day I would clean my bathroom.

  • My mom had no idea what was going on.

  • She was just like, "You're such a good boy."

  • And I'm like, "You have no idea what I'm trying

  • "to prevent right now." (audience laughs)

  • I had to move out, I had to move out of my mom's house,

  • it got really weird.

  • She bought me condoms.

  • And it's fine if you're a mom

  • and you wanna buy you son condoms,

  • there's just a way to do it.

  • If you wanna get your son condoms,

  • just get 'em and leave 'em in his room.

  • Don't tell him, he'll find 'em.

  • That's the way to do it.

  • That's not what my mom did,

  • my mom did something really weird.

  • Right, it was really weird.

  • I was still staying at her house at the time

  • and it was like 11:30 at night and she just barged in.

  • She didn't text, knock, just barged in.

  • And she was just like, "Hey.

  • "I got something for ya."

  • And I was high, so I was like, "What the fuck?

  • "This is a little weird."

  • And I sweat to God, I turned on the lights,

  • this is what she does, she has it,

  • she had it behind her back and she pulls out a 40 pack,

  • and I swear to God this is what she does, she goes,

  • "I got every kind for my baby boy."

  • And then she winked at me, and I was like,

  • "You're giving the fucking weirdest vibe I've ever seen

  • "in my life, Mom.

  • "I know you're single, I'm not the guy.

  • "I think it's time to move out, this is really weird."

  • (audience laughs)

  • And she got me the 40 pack!

  • I wanted to be like, "Who do you think your son is?"

  • I didn't even get to use 'em,

  • I just opened all of 'em and left them around their house.

  • So she would find them and think I was cool.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I did, she found one the other day.

  • She called me, she was like, "I found another condom."

  • Like yeah you did, that's your boy.

  • I used to be a bully 'cause I wanted to be a rapper

  • in high school.

  • I wanted to be a rapper and my name would be VI Pete.

  • It's kind of a dope, right?

  • It's kind of good, it's kind of a dope name,

  • it's kind of a dope name.

  • You can agree, it's a good name.

  • But I always used to listen to hip-hop,

  • never had friends, so I used to just hang out

  • and listen to hip-hop 'cause it would be motivating

  • and hip-hop makes you feel good about yourself.

  • But the weird thing would be like my friends were all

  • in their mid 30s, early 40s.

  • So like they like a different type of hip-hop.

  • Like they love Biggie in the way, I like Biggie too,

  • but the way that-- (audience cheers)

  • All right, relax. (audience laughs)

  • Yeah, he's not here, obviously.

  • Yeah.

  • I know, that was an easy, but you threw it up

  • and I fucking dunked it, so fuck all of you, how's that?

  • Anyway.

  • No, but when my older friends talk about Biggie,

  • like they talk about him like, they're like,

  • "Ah, Notorious!"

  • They feel it, they're like, "Ah this,

  • "he would've been the best."

  • They're like, "If he was alive today,

  • "he would've been the best.

  • "It's so sad that he died."

  • And I always try to make them feel better

  • 'cause I feel for them and I'm like,

  • "It's probably better that he died back then

  • "than like now of like natural causes."

  • (audience laughs)

  • Yeah, it's better that he got shot than it be like a burger

  • that took Biggie down.

  • Biggie died on Crenshaw, what happened?

  • Burger, it was a burger.

  • (woman laughs)

  • My favorite rapper is Coolio, I love Coolio.

  • (audience cheers)

  • Yeah, he's still alive.

  • He's been alive forever and he's a cook,

  • so you know he's healthy and he's not going anywhere.

  • He's a reliable guy to love.

  • Like I never wake up like, "Oh, what's happened

  • "to Coolio?" you know what I mean?

  • I know he's out there somewhere.

  • Love fucking Coolio, he's the man.

  • First time I ever heard "Gangsta's Paradise" was in a movie.

  • Yeah, right?

  • Most of you probably know the song from "Dangerous Minds."

  • I wasn't alive when that was a thing.

  • I know it from "Pain and Gain,"

  • the weightlifting Michael Bay movie.

  • So, and I know the reason why I love listening

  • to "Gangsta's Paradise" is there's no N-words in it.

  • So I can sing it drunk and not like fuck up.

  • You know what I mean?

  • It's like I can sing it confidently all the way through

  • no matter where I am, I don't have to worry.

  • I grew up in Staten Island and when you grow up

  • in Staten Island you're just probably gonna be

  • a construction worker that beats his wife.

  • Like you know like that's,

  • it's like the best you can do.

  • So I would listen to "Gangsta's Paradise"

  • and it would make, like maybe I can get out

  • of Staten Island.

  • We'll do some 9/11 jokes and then we'll get the fuck out

  • of here, how does that sound?

  • (Pete laughs)

  • It's hard to transition into anything.

  • I don't know if you've noticed anything about my comedy,

  • but there's not many transitions.

  • It's very like, "Dick! Fuck! Dad!"

  • Like it's like very straightforward,

  • easy listening comedy.

  • It's not the Kendrick Lamar, I'm very French Montana

  • of comedy. (audience laughs)

  • Like after every joke I should just be like, "Ha ah!"

  • And you'd be like, "Ah ha!

  • "I get it."

  • So yeah my dad, if you don't know,

  • he was a fireman and he died in 9/11.

  • He was a very good dude.

  • And I have a lot of jokes about it.

  • And if you don't like the first one,

  • you probably won't like the rest.

  • (audience laughs)

  • What's cool about your dad dying on 9/11 is

  • I get all of his fireman gear.

  • So whenever I smoke weed in New York City, I wear it.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Yeah, so now people just think I'm a shitty fireman.

  • But I'll be so high, I'll forget.

  • Like people come up to me and be like,

  • "You're a fucking disgrace!"

  • And I'll be like, "You're a fucking disgrace!"

  • And I'll be like, "Oh shit, I'm a lieutenant, I forgot.

  • "I'm very sorry, have a good day ma'am!"

  • I didn't really care when my dad died,

  • it didn't bother me very much because I was seven.

  • You don't understand things when you're seven.

  • If it happened now, I'd be in a world of trouble,

  • but I'm actually, it's weird to say this,

  • I'm lucky it happened when I was seven.

  • I know that sounds weird but it's the real thing.

  • Like I remember when my dad died and my mom was like,

  • "Your dad's dead, but we got you a Playstation 2"

  • and I was like, "Yeah, cool."

  • I was like, "That seems about even.

  • "That's pretty fair."

  • No I'm serious, I really didn't care.

  • I was like, "I'm gonna push my mom down the stairs

  • "and get a PS3."

  • I was fucking ridiculous.

  • It's my new life of murder and toys.

  • (audience laughs)

  • What's weird is my grandma on my mom's side,

  • my mom's mom, she,

  • her birthday's on 9/11.

  • And she never liked my dad.

  • Kind of fishy, isn't it?

  • (audience laughs)

  • I always wanted to ask her, I always wanted to be like,

  • "Hey Grandma, on the low,

  • "did you make any wishes?"

  • (audience laughs)

  • I wanna get a tattoo, I wanna get my dad's initials.

  • It's a very like Italian, Staten Island thing to do.

  • I feel like Italian people are almost like waiting

  • for someone in their family to die

  • so they can go get a tattoo.

  • I'm serious, you ever been to like an Italian funeral

  • or a wake and the son of whoever died has like

  • the prayer card going down their side.

  • And you're like, "How the fuck did you do that already?"

  • And it's like healed.

  • I wanna get my dad's initials.

  • I wanna get it tattooed on me,

  • I feel like it'll be very cool.

  • But I found out recently I can't.

  • I don't know why I never noticed it,

  • I guess I just never pay attention.

  • But my dad's initials are SMD.

  • Yeah.

  • That's why we named the special SMD.

  • But SMD also has other meanings like, for instance,

  • suck my dick.

  • That's the more popular meaning believe it or not.

  • So my friend's are like, "You can't get that tattoo

  • "because people will think you're an asshole."

  • And I agree, I'm like, "You're right, I shouldn't."

  • But then I thought about it I was like,

  • "I should, I could only win."

  • I was like, "If someone has the balls to bring it up to me,

  • "oh I win, like so fast."

  • Like I will never lose, it's so dope.

  • Think about that.

  • I'll have it on my neck,

  • fucking having a good time, girls come up to me,

  • and they're like, "You're a fucking pig."

  • All I gotta do is be like, (whines)

  • "Actually it's my dead dad's initials."

  • And then they'll feel so bad they'll probably suck my dick.

  • (audience applauds) Hey guys,

  • you've been amazing, thank you!

  • Thank you for coming out, thank you very much!

  • (audience cheers) (upbeat music)

- If you don't know what Staten Island is,

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