welcome to "The Tonight Show."

[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah, you're here.

[ Whistling ] Thank you very much.

Well, guys, as much as we'd like to move on,

former President Trump is still in the news.

We thought we drove him to a farm upstate,

but he somehow found his way back home to the headlines.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, last night, House impeachment managers

delivered the impeachment article against Trump

to the Senate.

If you missed it, here they are walking it over.

[ Camera shutters clicking continuously ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Okay, alright, okay, yeah, okay.

[ Laughter ]

After 45 minutes, they were like,

"Wait, does anyone know where we're going?"

It's like, "No. I'm following you.

I thought you --" [ Laughter and applause ]

Yeah, it turns out half of them were delivering the articles.

The other half were just getting in their steps.

[ Laughter ]

I say forget impeachment.

Just having Trump make that walk

would be punishment enough.

[ Laughter ]

It looked like a wedding, when the deejay says,

"Table 6, you can go to the salad bar."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, the walk was pretty long and drawn out.

It kind of reminded me of something, though.

[ George Baker Selection's "Little Green Bag" plays ]

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

-♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪

♪ But there is only loneliness ♪

♪ To find ♪

[ Cheering and applause ]

[ Whistling ]

-I knew it.

[ Laughter ]

Well, speaking of the former president,

sources in touch with Trump have said he's...

[ Laughter ]

Well, he was already out of his mind,

so I guess, now, he's just bored.

[ Laughter ]

Apparently, playing 36 holes of golf every day

isn't as exciting when you're not ignoring a global pandemic.

[ Laughter ]

But today, Trump's aides were trying to cheer him up.

They were like, "Good news, sir.

Your trial starts in two weeks."

[ Laughter ]

Meanwhile, President Biden's very busy

and, today, he spoke with Vladimir Putin

for the first time since taking office.

As soon as the call began, Trump was like --

[ As Trump ] I feel a disturbance in the force.

[ Laughter ]

But this is good -- Biden actually pressed Putin

on last year's massive Russian cyber attack.

Putin denied it, but it got weird when he was like --

[ As Putin ] By the way, nice purple tie.

He's like, "Wait. We're not on Zoom.

How did you know that was...?"

[ Laughter ]

I think you can tell Putin was used to talking to Trump

because, out of habit, he ended the call with --

[ As Putin ] Love you, too.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Some tech news -- I saw that Apple has issued

a new warning to customers. Listen to this.

-An important health warning for all iPhone users.

Apple warns customers that the smartphones could interfere

with medical devices, most notably, pacemakers.

This is bad news for all the grandmothers

who like to connect their iPhone to a chest mount

when they do base jumping. You know what I'm saying?

[ Laughter ]

It'll be weird when a guy is like, "I love this phone.

Hey, Siri, turn off my pacemaker."

[ Laughter ]

And get this -- I saw that Tyson Foods is releasing

heart-shaped chicken nuggets for Valentine's Day.

Or, as I always say, if you want to keep it classy,

go with the standard scratch-off ticket and beef jerky.

[ Laughter ]

Seriously, that makes an edible arrangement

look like a diamond necklace.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, you can sprinkle the nuggets on your bed

and then uncover her eyes and watch her as she says,

"I'm going to stay at my sister's."

[ Laughter and applause ]

But they're on your side of the bed, honey!

[ Applause ]

[ Laughter ]

I could hold you up by your legs

and you could just eat them off like a --

[ Laughter ] like a nugget stand,

like a keg stand, but like a --

Like an anteater.

[ Laughter ]

Look, I won't judge, but if your Valentine's Day plan involves

the words dipping sauces,

you might want to rethink things.

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of food, Panera has created

a new Red Bull glove for customers.

[ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]

-Yes! -For customers who drink

iced coffee in the winter.

Look at that thing again. Look at that.

[ Laughter ] Look at that.

Actually, I think the gloves are going to be a huge hit.

Check out who I saw wearing them today.

There you go.

[ Laughter and applause ]

He had a double loaf.

Have you guys seen the slow Zoom interviews

that Vanity Fair does?

They ask celebrities personal questions

and a camera very slowly gets closer to their face.

They've done it with RuPaul, Tyra Banks.

They just did one with Billie Eilish.

And I actually did one, too, but,

they had me do a fast Zoom, instead.

Here, take a look.

-Fast Zoom interview with Jimmy Fallon.

Take 1. [ Clack ]

-What's your favorite brand of toothpaste?

-Um, gosh.

[ Laughter ]

Crest? [ Beep, clack ]

-What's your favorite late night snack?

-Probably, uh --

it's probably frozen pizza, probably frozen pizza.

[ Laughter ] -What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

-I like mint chocolate chip.

-What kind of sandwiches do you like?

-Hey, get -- This is how the interview goes?

[ Laughter ] [ Beep, clack ]

Hey, is my publicist here?

[ Laughter ]

Is this -- No, no, I don't want to do --

[ Laughter ] [ Bleep ]

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

-How many slices will you eat,

if you're left to your own devices?

[ Laughter ] -I'd eat like two slices of pizza.

-Great interview. Thank you so much.

[ Laughter, whistling, and applause ]

-And, finally, a 12-year-old in Canada set a new world record

when he stacked 693 Jenga blocks

on top of a single vertical Jenga block.

Here's a photo. Look at this.

-Oh! -What?!

-That doesn't look like Jenga.

That looks like a wooden shawarma spit.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah. The Jenga stack was cool,

until his little brother walked by and just went --

[ Blows sharply ] [ Laughter and applause ]

[ Whistling ] Thank you so much for watching.

We have a big show tonight.

She's a guest star

on Season 4 of "Search Party" on HBO Max.

Susan Sarandon is here!

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

Plus, we're going to talk about his charity,

the JJ Watt Foundation.

From the Houston Texans, JJ Watt is here!

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

And tonight is the night we have a performance

from Thad Cockrell, everybody.

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

And we're very excited about this.

This is -- Oh, look at this.

Pink vinyl. [ Audience murmuring ]

"Ooh la la, Sasson."

This is the song that I heard

in a hardware store

in quarantine, my first trip out in quarantine.

I went to the hardware store and I heard the song

and it sounded like

a George Harrison type of vibe or something to it.

And I just Shazam'd it and I go, "What is this?"

Swingin'.

If we're going to go down, we're going to go down swinging.

It is so good.

♪ 'Cause if we go ♪

Let me just play a little because you're going to --

Already, just crank up your TVs already.

Say about one 130, get in there, 120?

♪♪

Oh, no, no. Earlier.

-♪ End that way ♪ -Here we go.

-♪ Just stay ♪ -Here we go. 1, 2, 3.

-♪ If I'm gonna go down ♪

♪ I wanna go down swingin' ♪

♪ I wanna go down hard ♪

-I mean, dude, he hit the notes and everything. I was like --

♪ Wah da dee ♪

And I was just doing that in the hardware store.

[ Laughter ] ♪ I wanna go down ♪

I should've been in the hammer section.

-Yeah. -You know?

[ Laughter ] But I wasn't.

I was in the --

I was in the screwdriver/ light switch section.

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

-I don't really know my way around.

-I was wondering what you were

doing in the hardware store.

[ Laughter ] -What do you mean,

what I was doing in the hardware store?

I'm doing what any -You just needed --

-You needed someplace -man of the house does.

-to drive your truck to, just --

[ Laughter ]

-Well, my driver took the truck there and...

[ Laughter ]

...I said, "Pierre, you're going a little fast,

[ Laughter ] don't you think?"

-French driver. -I said, "Slow down."

I have a French driver, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

I was like, "Slow down.

You're making me a little sick.

My caviar's about to come out."

[ Laughter ]

No, yeah, I took the truck.

You know, I do like, you know, like --

you know, like you slide into the window

to get in the truck.

-Yeah. -Yeah. I go in through the roof,

the sunroof. [ Laughter ]

-Really? -Yeah.

I leave the sunroof open and I hop into it

like Super Mario.

[ Laughter ] -On a 4x4?

-It's a 4x4, yeah. -Wow.

-I mean -- -That's impressive.

I don't know. 4x4? Sure.

[ Laughter ] Four wheels.

4x4 -- like yeah. -It's a hell of a jump.

You have an incredible vertical, if you do that.

-It's a cube. It's 4 foot by 4 feet truck.

-Oh.

-Oh, no. I jump from the second floor.

[ Laughter ]

I jump out the bedroom window and land in my truck.

And then, it's already gotten onto a song

and I cruised out, went to the hardware store

to get a light switch, like this, like a lamp switch.

-Hm.

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

That wasn't a "Hm."

That wasn't an interesting "Hm."

That was a "Hm" of doubt. -Yeah.

It was a "Hm" of doubt.

-Yeah. No, I know what this is.

To put those clicker light switches on this,

you only cut one of the wires, not both of them.

You leave the other one connected

and then, what it does is it connects the, you know, the --