>> Stephen: WELL, HEY THERE, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.

FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF URGENT CONCERNS FACING AMERICANS RIGHT

NOW.

WILL THE PANDEMIC EVER END?

WHEN WILL WE GET THE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE?

ONCE "THE CROWN" CATCHES UP TO REALITY, WILL MEGHAN MARKLE PLAY

HERSELF?

I MEAN, SHE'S AN ACTRESS, BUT THEN DO ALL THE ROYALS PLAY

THEMSELVES?

I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO PRINCE ANDREW'S TAKE ON PRINCE

ANDREW.

THE PROBLEM WITH SO MANY BIG PROBLEMS IS THAT THERE ARE

SMALLER PROBLEMS THAT ARE STILL BIG PROBLEMS, BUT WE MIGHT MISS

THEM BECAUSE OF THE EVEN LARGER PROBLEMS, WHICH IS A BIG

PROBLEM.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW UNFORTUNATE SEGMENT: "UH-OH!"

TONIGHT'S UH-OH: WHILE YOU'RE WORRYING ABOUT THE PLANET-WIDE

COVID CRISIS, DON'T FORGET TO WORRY ABOUT A POSSIBLE DRINKING

WATER CRISIS, BECAUSE IT WAS RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT

INVESTORS CAN NOW TRADE WATER FUTURES.

UH-OH.

I DON'T TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT SENTENCE, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A

HEADLINE IN A NEWSREEL AT THE BEGINNING OF "MAD MAX" BEFORE

YOU SMASH CUT TO ONE-ARMED CHARLIZE THERON DRIVING A TRUCK

FULL OF WARRIOR-CONCUBINES THROUGH THE DESERT.

HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING: RECENTLY, FUTURES TIED TO THE

CALIFORNIA WATER INDEX BEGAN TRADING ON THE CHICAGO

MERCANTILE EXCHANGE.

MEANING THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, WATER WILL BE A COMMODITY,

LIKE GOLD OR OIL.

UH-OH!

THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

THOSE ARE TWO THINGS THAT WE FAMOUSLY HAVE A FINITE AMOUNT

OF.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE VALUABLE.

THERE'S A REASON WEDDING RINGS ARE MADE OF GOLD AND NOT BOTTLES

OF POLAND SPRING.

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS!

HE WENT TO 7-ELEVEN!

THIS SOUNDS TROUBLING, BECAUSE THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

WATER AND... COMMODITIES IS THAT WE NEED WATER TO SURVIVE.

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEW UH-OH SUBSEGMENT: "YIKES!"

NOW THAT WATER IS A COMMODITY AND CAN BE TRADED ON THE FUTURES

MARKET, IT COULD INVITE SPECULATION FROM FINANCIAL

PLAYERS, INCLUDING HEDGE FUNDS.

YIKES!

"HEDGE FUND SPECULATION" IS NEVER A GOOD THING.

JUST ASK ANYONE WHO HAD A SUBPRIME MORTGAGE IN THE EARLY

2000'S.

THEIR HOME LOAN IS CURRENTLY UNDER WATER, WHICH THEY'RE GOING

TO WANT TO START HOARDING 'CAUSE IT'S A HOT NEW COMMODITY!

THESE WATER FUTURES FOCUS SPECIFICALLY ON CALIFORNIA,

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR UH-OH YIKES SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "GULP!"

A LOOK HOW MANY BONES I HAVE.

CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN, JIM?

LOOK AT THAT!

THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW" PROMISE, UNLIMITED BONES!

THIS IMPACTS THE WHOLE NATION BECAUSE CALIFORNIA HAS A HUGE

AGRICULTURAL SECTOR, AND RECENTLY HAS MOVED TO POPULAR

HIGH-VALUE PERMANENT CROPS LIKE ALMONDS AND PISTACHIOS, WHICH

REQUIRE A LOT OF WATER FOR UPKEEP.

AND I HAWKED PISTACHIOS!

AM I PART OF THE PROBLEM?

I'M SORRY!

NOT FOR PROMOTING PISTACHIOS, THEY'RE A DELICIOUS SOURCE OF

PROTEIN, BUT FOR GIVING YOU THE NIGHTMARE FUEL THAT IS MY HEAD

AS A NUT.

BUT THE BIGGER ISSUE IS THAT CALIFORNIA HAS JUST HAD SEVERAL

YEARS IN A ROW OF HISTORIC WILDFIRES AND IS EMERGING FROM

AN EIGHT-YEAR DROUGHT.

GULP!

SO, WALL STREET IS NOW BETTING ON A RESOURCE THAT CALIFORNIA

DESPERATELY NEEDS TO SURVIVE AND CURRENTLY HAS A SHORTAGE OF.

THAT'S LIKE A LIFEGUARD GOING, "THE BAD NEWS IS YOUR HUSBAND IS

DROWNING!

THE GOOD NEWS IS, IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, THE VALUE OF MY

LIFE PRESERVER FRANCHISE IS GOING TO SKYROCKET!

WANT TO GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR?"

NOW, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH

TRADING WATER ON WALL STREET, BY WHICH I MEAN WE KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

ACCORDING TO A CLIMATE JUSTICE EXPERT, "AS CLEAN, USEABLE WATER

IS BECOMING SCARCER, THE INCENTIVES IN CAPITALISM WORK TO

COMMODIFY IT, AND WORK TO ENSURE THAT THE SCARCITY IS AN

OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE MONEY."

ADDING, "IT'S THE WAY IN WHICH CAPITALISM MAKES PROFITS FROM

HUMAN MISERY."

OF COURSE, COMMODITIES TRADERS NEVER GO ALL IN ON HUMAN MISERY.

THEY DIVERSIFY INTO GENERATIONAL SUFFERING, DESPAIR, ENNUI AND

OF COURSE, BITCOIN.

IN OTHER WORDS: UH-OH.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SERENA WILLIAMS.

( THEME SONG PLAYING ) IN