"LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON.

>> Jon: YES, INDEED, JUST DRIVING ON MY V-8 FORD.

>> Stephen: I NEED JON.

I AM WORN OUT FROM LAST NIGHT'S LIVE SHOW.

IT'S SO EXCITING, WHAT A GREAT DAY, BUT I'M DONE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ENERGY YOU CAN IMPART THROUGH YOUR FINGERTIPS

THROUGH THE DRIVERIES AND INJECT INTO MY SOUL?

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, I'M ALWAYS PUSHING THE ENERGY.

I'M PUSHING THE LOVE.

♪♪♪ >> Stephen: I AM BORN ANEW.

THANK YOU, JON.

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, SIR.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RAISING AND SHARING THE

MOST TOPICAL SHEEP, GATHERING THEIR WOOL, HAND-WEAVING IT ON

MY SOLID OAK STORY LOOM, THEN DYEING IT WITH THE PUREST

WORD-PIGMENT MONEY CAN BUY TO BRING YOU THE FINE, ARAN ISLE

SWEATER THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO TRAP A GARBAGE RACCOON,

SEDATE IT WITH SOME EXPIRED CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE, SHAVE

ITS TAIL WITH A BOX CUTTER, THEN USE SOME LEFTOVER

CHOP STICKS TO KNIT IT ALL INTO THE TRAILER PARK CROP TOP OF

NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A COUPLE IN CANADA IS FACING LEGAL TROUBLE

FOR BREAKING QUEBEC'S NEW COVID RULES, WHERE WALKING YOUR DOG IS

ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS ALLOWED AFTER 8:00 P.M.

BUT POLICE CAUGHT A WOMAN "WALKING HER HUSBAND ON A LEASH

AFTER CURFEW."

POLICE WERE GOING TO PUNISH THE HUSBAND, BUT TURNS OUT, HE WAS

INTO IT.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW THAT NOTORIOUS

COCAINE LORD PABLO ESCOBAR FAMOUSLY AND ILLEGALLY IMPORTED

A BUNCH OF HIPPOS TO COLOMBIA.

WELL, NOW, SCIENTISTS WARN: COLOMBIA'S COCAINE HIPPOS MUST

BE STOPPED.

FLORIDA, YOU'RE UP!

RELEASE THE METH GATORS!

FOR SCIENCE!

"COCAINE HIPPOS" ARE LIKE REGULAR HIPPOS, BUT THEY CORNER

YOU AT PARTIES AND INSIST THAT YOU GUYS SHOULD START A BAND.

THE PROBLEM IS, THE HIPPOS HAVE NO PREDATORS AND NOW POSE A

THREAT TO LOCAL WILDLIFE.

AND YOU CAN SEE JUST HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE IN THIS

ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE COCAINE HIPPOS IN ACTION:

>> COKE!

>> WOWEE, I LOVE COKE!

WHO WANTS TO READ MY SCREENPLAY?

>> I BET IT'S SO GOOD!

>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN SNAKE NEWS, SCIENTISTS

DISCOVERED SNAKES CAN TURN THEIR BODY INTO LASSOS TO CLIMB BY

WORKING THEIR BODIES AGAINST THEMSELVES, AS YOU CAN SEE IN

THIS INFRARED FOOTAGE.

CONGRATULATIONS SPIDERS WHO LAY EGGS IN

MY EARS WHILE I SLEEP, YOU ARE NO LONGER MY NUMBER ONE

RECURRING NIGHTMARE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE ANNOUNCED THE DISCOVERY OF

A NEW BAT SPECIES IN AFRICA THAT HAS A STRIKING MIX OF FIERY

ORANGE AND BLACK COLORS.

BUT ALMOST MISSED IT, ORIGINALLY BELIEVING IT TO BE JUST A

WEIRDLY COLORED ONE.

I'VE GOT TO SAY, "MAYBE IT'S JUST WEIRD" IS NOT THE MOST

SCIENTIFIC REACTION.

REMINDS ME OF FOSSIL-HUNTER WILLIAM BUCKLAND, WHO DISCOVERED

THE FIRST DINOSAUR BONES: >> I MAY HAVE DISCOVERED A

PREVIOUSLY UNCATALOGUED FORM OF PREHISTORIC LIFE... OR MAYBE

THEY'RE JUST SOME BIG FREAKY CHICKEN BONES, I DUNNO!"

ALSO, HOW'S ABOUT WE GET DONE WITH THE CURRENT PANDEMIC BEFORE

WE GO POKING AROUND IN THE CAVES FOR UNDISCOVERED BATS?

YOU DIDN'T SEE PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE AGES GOING "HEY, YOU KNOW

WHAT'LL TAKE OUR MINDS OFF THIS PLAGUE?

A RAT SAFARI."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN A SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT, PEPSI AND COCA-COLA

WILL NOT RUN ADS DURING THE SUPER BOWL.

SO, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WATCH?

QUARANTINE WHILE, A NEW FOSSIL FROM

CHINA OF A PSITTA-COSAURUS IS SO WELL PRESERVED THAT THE OPENING

THAT THE LABRADOR-SIZED DINOSAUR USED TO PEE, POOP, AND REPRODUCE

IS VISIBLE."

OR AS THE ONLINE PUBLICATION "LIVE SCIENCE" PUT IT: "THE

FIRST PRESERVED DINOSAUR BUTTHOLE IS 'PERFECT' AND

'UNIQUE.'" UNEXPECTED PHRASING, BUT A HUGE

LEAP FORWARD IN DINOSAUR BUTTHOLE POSITIVITY.

THE OPENING IN QUESTION IS THE CLOACA, COMMON IN REPTILES AND

BIRDS.

EXPERTS SAY "MOST CLOACAS FORM A KIND OF SLIT.

SOMETIMES IT'S A VERTICAL SPLIT, SOMETIMES IT'S A SMILEY FACE,

SOMETIMES IT'S A SOUR FACE.

BUT THIS THING HAS A V-SHAPED STRUCTURE WITH A PAIR OF NICE

FLARING LIPS."

AND I'M UPSET TO HAVE READ THAT OUT LOUD.

AND I AM BEING INFORMED THAT GWYNETH PALTROW HAS ALREADY

RELEASED "THIS CANDLE SMELLS LIKE A PSITTA-COSAURUS' CLOACA."

WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE LATEST GAME THAT

HOLLYWOOD IS BUZZING ABOUT.

STICK AROUND.

♪♪♪