WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

TODAY WAS THE FIRST FULL DAY ON THE JOB FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN.

OH -- OH, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT DOES FEEL GOOD ON THE TONGUE --

PRESIDENT BIDEN.

IT'S LIKE LICKING FROSTING RIGHT OFF THE SPATULA.

(OVER-ARTICULATING) PREZZZIDENT BIIIDEN NEEEVEER

BAAAANKRUPPTED A CAAAASINOO.

THE FIRST DAY OF ANY JOB IS STRESSFUL, ESPECIALLY WHEN

YOU'RE THE NEW MANAGER, AND THE LAST GUY GOT CALLED INTO HR

FOR "INAPPROPRIATE WORKPLACE TREASONING."

HE WAS ME-COUP'D.

BUT THIS NEW ADMINISTRATION HAS AN UNPRECEDENTED TO-DO LIST,

WHICH BIDEN LAID OUT IN HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS: THE VIRUS,

CLIMATE CHANGE, GROWING INEQUALITY, RACISM, AMERICA'S

GLOBAL STANDING, AND AN ATTACK ON TRUTH AND DEMOCRACY.

IT'S LIKE THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE, WITH TWO

BONUS HORSES!

YOU'VE GOT WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE, DEATH, PLUS GLOBAL

WARMING, AND YOUR UNCLE CARL.

THE HORSE IN THE LEAD IS PESTILENCE.

BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC IS WORSE THAN EVER.

YESTERDAY, THE U.S. RECORDED THE SECOND HIGHEST NUMBER OF COVID

DEATHS EVER, AND RIGHT NOW, AMERICANS ARE DYING FASTER OF

COVID-19 THAN OUR SOLDIERS DID IN WORLD WAR II.

ONLY TO WIN THAT CONFLICT, WE HAD TO GET THE FASCISTS OUT OF

THE GERMAN CAPITAL.

SO TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED TEN EXECUTIVE ORDERS TO GET HIS

PANDEMIC PLAN ROLLING, INCLUDING A REQUIREMENT FOR MASKS WHILE

TRAVELING, STUDIES AND TRIALS OF COVID-19 TREATMENTS, AND MORE

PUBLIC DATA ON CASES AND VACCINATIONS.

IT'S A NEW STRATEGY THE WHITE HOUSE IS CALLING "OPERATION:

WELL, DUH!" ONE EXECUTIVE ORDER IS AIMED AT

MAKING IT SAFER TO GO TO WORK, BY DIRECTING OSHA TO PUBLISH

WORKER SAFETY GUIDELINES.

THAT MEANS MASKS IN BREAK ROOMS, HAND SANITIZER AT THE DOORWAYS,

AND CHIPOTLE WILL CANCEL ITS POPULAR "BOBBING FOR GUAC."

"YES, IT'S EXTRA."

AND THE BEST PART IS, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS GOING TO KEEP

US INFORMED ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE DOING, WITH REGULAR EXPERT-LED

SCIENCE-BASED PUBLIC BRIEFINGS.

WHICH WILL BE A NICE CHANGE FROM MORON-LED, CLOROX-BASED,

DEXAMETHASONE RAMBLINGS.

TODAY, WE HEARD FROM A MAN SO DEDICATED TO PROPER

STERILIZATION TECHNIQUES THAT HE'S THE ONLY ONE TO EMERGE FROM

THE LAST ADMINISTRATION NOT COVERED IN THE STENCH OF

FAILURE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

FAUCI SAYS HE'S GETTING ONE SPECIFIC QUESTION ABOUT THE NEW

COVID STRAINS THAT HAVE APPEARED IN THE U.K. AND SOUTH AFRICA.

>> WHAT IS IT ABOUT THESE MUTANTS THAT YOU ARE HEARING

ABOUT?

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONING FOR THE

NEXT "X-MEN" MOVIE.

(AS FAUCI) "WHAT ARE THESE MUTANTS WE HEAR

ABOUT?

WHY WON'T PROFESSOR X RELEASE HIS STUDENT BODY LIST?

IF HE'S GOT RAZOR-SHARP KNIVES IN HIS HANDS, WHY DOESN'T

WOLVERINE HAVE A CLOSER SHAVE?

ONE GUY'S NAME IS CYCLOPS AND HE'S GOT TWO EYES?

NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!" NEXT QUESTION.

FAUCI TOUCHED ON HOW THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE DIFFERS FROM THE

LAST ONE, AND HE THREW SOME SHADE.

>> ONE OF THE NEW THINGS IN THIS ADMINISTRATION, IF YOU DON'T

HAVE THE ANSWER, DON'T GUESS.

JUST SAY YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

>> STEPHEN: DR. FAUCI?

MORE LIKE DOCTOR OUCH-IE!

BECAUSE THAT WAS A BURN!

ME-YOW!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE UP AN ANSWER

TO "HOW DOES TONY FEEL ABOUT THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT," BECAUSE THE

D.N.A. TEST CAME BACK AND HE'S 100% THAT (BLEEP)!

THE GOOD DOCTOR MADE IT CLEAR, HE IS GLAD TO BE DONE DEALING

WITH THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.

>> I TAKE NO PLEASURE AT ALL IN BEING IN A SITUATION OF

CONTRADICTING THE PRESIDENT.

SO IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T FEEL YOU COULD ACTUALLY

SAY SOMETHING AND THERE WOULDN'T BE REPERCUSSIONS ABOUT IT.

THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN GET UP HERE AND TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU

KNOW AND WHAT THE EVIDENCE-- WHAT THE SCIENCE IS, AND KNOW

THAT'S IT.

LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

IT IS SOMEWHAT OF A LIBERATING FEELING.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, HE CAN JUST LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

FOR EXAMPLE: NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM.

AND LIKE A VACUUM, THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION SUCKED.

MEOW!

EVEN THOUGH THE LAST PRESIDENT CLEARLY WASN'T IMPLEMENTING

THEIR VACCINATION PLAN VERY WELL, BIDEN'S TEAM WERE HESITANT

TO CRITICIZE THEM, BECAUSE THEY WERE "ALREADY HAVING A HARD TIME

GETTING CRITICAL INFORMATION AND COOPERATION FROM THE OUTGOING

ADMINISTRATION."

THEY HAD TO BE NICE SO WHEN THEY GOT THERE, THE PREVIOUS FOLKS

WOULD LEAVE THEM THEIR PLAN!

WELL, YESTERDAY, BIDEN'S TEAM GOT THE PLAN, AND THEY FOUND OUT

THAT PLAN IS NON-EXISTENT.

SO THEY NEVER HAD A PLAN TO FIX THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS

IN A CENTURY?

THAT'S LIKE IF THE "OCEANS 11" HEIST KICKED OFF WITH GEORGE

CLOONEY SAYING THIS: >> THIS IS THE VAULT AT THE

BELLAGIO.

I GOT NOTHING.

LET'S GO!

>> OKAY.

>> STEPHEN: BUT ASSISTANCE IS ON THE WAY, BECAUSE NOW, AMAZON IS

OFFERING TO HELP WITH VACCINE DISTRIBUTION.

THANK GOD!

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A THREE-FOOT BOX THAT JUST HAS ONE SYRINGE

RATTLING AROUND.

OR BETTER YET, FIRE UP ONE OF THOSE DRONES AND LET IT SHOOT A

NEEDLE DIRECTLY INTO MY NECK!

UNTIL AMAZON IS READY, JUST TO GET THE VACCINE, PEOPLE ARE

TAKING EXTREME RISKS.

BY WHICH I MEAN, GOING TO FLORIDA.

PEOPLE FROM OUTSIDE THE STATE ARE COMING TO FLORIDA TO GET

VACCINATED, AN ISSUE THAT'S BEING CALLED VACCINE TOURISM.

IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY TYPES OF FLORIDA-SPECIFIC TOURISM.

YOU'VE GOT "THEME PARK" TOURISM, "GOLF" TOURISM, AND "DIVORCED

DAD REALLY GETTING INTO A JIMMY BUFFET PHASE."

IT'S POSSIBLE THIS VACCINE TOURISM IS ACTUALLY THE RESULT

OF A HUGE OVERSIGHT, BECAUSE UNDER THE STATE'S CURRENT

VACCINATION PLAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE FROM FLORIDA IN ORDER

TO GET A VACCINE.

SEEMS LIKE CHECKING AN ADDRESS WOULD BE IMPORTANT BEFORE

HANDING OUT A VACCINE.

YOU DON'T SEE STRIP CLUB BOUNCERS CHECKING I.D.S AND

SAYING, "WOW, THIS LOOKS PROFESSIONALLY LAMINATED.

ENJOY THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM, MR. 'JOHN P. LEGAL-AGE'."

BUT THE STATE IS CRACKING DOWN, AND NOW PEOPLE WHO SHOW UP FOR

VACCINES WILL BE ASKED TO SHOW THEIR FLORIDA I.D. IN ORDER TO

GET THE SHOT.

AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE, YOU CAN PROVE

YOUR RESIDENCY BY SHOWING YOUR TRAMP STAMP OF CALVIN AND THE

TASMANIAN DEVIL PEEING ON THE NAME OF YOUR EX.

YESTERDAY'S INAUGURATION WAS A ROUGH DAY FOR MEMBERS OF Q-ANON,

WHICH IS A BIZARRE COLLECTION OF ONLINE CONSPIRACY THEORIES FROM

A COMPLICATED PLOT CONNECTING UF.O.S AND THE ILLUMINATI TO

THE CLAIM THAT CERTAIN CELEBRITIES, ENTREPRENEURS AND

POLITICIANS ARE LIZARD PEOPLE DISGUISED IN HUMAN SKIN.

OF COURSE, SOME OF THE LIZARDMAN SKIN SUITS ARE LESS CONVINCING

THAN OTHERS.

YOU MAY KNOW OF Q-ANON THANKS TO THEIR EXTENSIVE PRODUCT

PLACEMENT AT THE CAPITOL RIOT.

Q-ANON CRAZIES TAKE THEIR MARCHING ORDERS FROM A SHADOWY

ONLINE ANONYMOUS FIGURE NAMED "Q."

NO ONE KNOWS HIS OR HER, OR ITS REAL NAME, BUT AUTHORITIES HAVE

RELEASED THIS VIDEO OF Q WITH TWO CO-CONSPIRATORS.

Q HAS POSTED THOUSANDS OF CRYPTIC MESSAGES SINCE 2017,

CLAIMING AMONG OTHER THINGS THAT THE 45TH PRESIDENT WAS SECRETLY

SPEARHEADING A SPIRITUAL WAR AGAINST AN ELITE CABAL OF

CHILD-EATING SATANISTS WHO CONTROLLED WASHINGTON, HOLLYWOOD

AND THE WORLD AND WOULD SOON CORRAL HIS ENEMIES FOR MILITARY

TRIBUNALS AND MASS EXECUTIONS IN A SHOW OF FORCE THEY CALLED "THE

STORM."

I DIDN'T KNOW WHY THEY THOUGHT HE COULD PULL OFF "THE STORM."

HE CAN'T EVEN CLOSE "THE UMBRELLA."

FOR FOUR YEARS, Q KEPT SAYING "TODAY'S THE DAY," AND THEN

NOTHING HAPPENED THAT DAY.

MEANWHILE, THE ONLINE PROMOTERS OF Q'S FAILED PROPHECIES WERE

RAKING IN CASH BY SELLING Q-ANON MERCHANDISE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY MAKE THEM PAY FOR MERCH.

THE BEST CULTS GIVE YOU FREE KOOL-AID AND NIKES.

THE ELECTION PRESENTED A BIT OF PROBLEM FOR Q.

IF THE ALL-POWERFUL GUY WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THE POWERFUL

THING WASN'T IN POWER ANYMORE, HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO THE

THING?

SO YESTERDAY, Q-ANON FOLLOWERS WATCHED THE INAUGURATION LIKE

LINUS IN A PUMPKIN PATCH, AND THE CONSPIRACY PEDDLERS KEPT

LEADING THEM ON, PROMISING THINGS LIKE THE BIDENS, OBAMAS

AND CLINTONS WOULD BE ROUNDED UP AND EXECUTED FOR CHILD SEX

TRAFFICKING, TREASON AND OTHER CRIMES, AND THAT THE FORMER

PRESIDENT WOULD REMAIN IN POWER.

IT SOUNDS DERANGED, BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF WEIRD INTERNET

THEORIES ABOUT HIM.

FOR INSTANCE, IS HE...

PART SASQUATCH?

BY THE TIME BIDEN WAS SWORN IN, IT BECAME APPARENT THAT THE

STORM WASN'T COMING, AND Q-ANON FOLLOWERS STARTED POSTING THINGS

LIKE "I CAN'T STOP CRYING," "I FEEL SICK, DISGUSTED AND

DISAPPOINTED," AND "IT'S OVER.

IT IS SADLY, SADLY OVER."

IT WAS A SHORT WALK FROM "Q" TO "WHY!?"

ONE FOLLOWER WAS IN DISBELIEF, POSTING, "IT SIMPLY DOESN'T MAKE

SENSE THAT WE ALL GOT PLAYED."

UH... YES, IT DOES.

YOU LISTENED TO A RANDO ON THE INTERNET.

BUT IF YOU'D LIKE TO GET REVENGE ON THAT RANDO, ALL YOU HAVE TO

DO IS SEND SOME MONEY TO A NIGERIAN PRINCE I KNOW.

OR JUST SEND IT TO ME, I'LL MAKE SURE HE GETS IT.

THEN AGAIN, NOT EVERYTHING CAN MAKE AS MUCH SENSE AS J.F.K. JR

FAKING HIS OWN DEATH IN ORDER TO ONE DAY RE-EMERGE TO JOIN THE

REPUBLICAN TICKET AND STOP BILL GATES FROM MICROCHIPPING OUR

VACCINES.

COME ON, Q FOLLOWERS.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO JOIN THE REST OF US IN THE RATIONAL

WORLD, AND WAIT FOR JESUS TO COME BACK ON A CLOUD OF GLORY TO

JUDGE THE LIVING AND THE DEAD.

AFTER THE INAUGURAL, Q FOLLOWERS GOT A DOSE OF REALITY FROM ONE Q

FORUM ADMINISTRATOR, WHO POSTED, "WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT SWORN

IN, AND IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY AS CITIZENS TO RESPECT THE

CONSTITUTION" ADDING, "PLEASE REMEMBER ALL THE FRIENDS AND

HAPPY MEMORIES WE MADE TOGETHER OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS."

"TURNS OUT, THE REAL CONSPIRACY THEORY WAS THE CANNIBAL LIZARD

FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY."

MUST BE DIFFICULT FOR THE Q-ANONS-- OR Q-BERTS, AS THEY

ARE NEVER CALLED-- BUT IF THEY'RE SAD AND LOOKING FOR

WAYS TO SPEND HOURS ON THE INTERNET RESEARCHING ARCANE

AND IMPOSSIBLE-TO-UNDERSTAND THEORIES, MIGHT I SUGGEST

NERD CULTURE?

JOIN US!

IT'S GREAT!

I SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT I'M NOT ON CAMERA READING J.R.R

TOLKIEN, AND READING ABOUT J.R.R. TOLKIEN, AND LISTENING TO

TOLKIEN PODCASTS AND TAKING TOLKIEN QUIZZES AND READING THE

TOLKIEN DICTIONARY AND CORRECTING THE ENTRIES!

WHY BE UPSET ABOUT FICTIONAL REPTILIAN SATANISTS, WHEN YOU

CAN BE ANGRY AT THE VERY REAL FACT THAT GLORFINDEL GOT SHAFTED

IN THE "LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIES?

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND ADDING ARWEN.

I LIKE THAT.

EVEN THE PROFESSOR KNEW THAT SHE WAS AN UNDERDEVELOPED CHARACTER

IN THE NOVEL, BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CUT GLORFINDEL OUT?

HE DEFEATED A BALROG AT THE FALL OF GONDOLIN.

DOES THAT NOT COUNT FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE?

AND PLEASE, NO LETTERS THAT GLORFINDEL HIMSELF WAS KILLED

WHILE DEFEATING THE BALROG.

SO WAS ECTHELION, LORD OF THE HOUSE OF THE FOUNTAIN!

AND THAT WAS AGAINST GOTHMOG!

SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

AND I PROMISE, JUST LIKE Q-ANON, YOU WILL SOUND CRAZY, AND YOUR

FAMILY WILL WISH YOU WOULD FIND ANOTHER OUTLET FOR YOUR

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

AND NOR ONE WILL DIE, EXCEPT GANDALF.

Q-ANON'S NOT THE ONLY RIGHT-WING NUT JOBS DISAPPOINTED BY THE

FORMER PRESIDENT.

THE PROUD BOYS ARE FEELING SOME MAN-SHAME.

THIS FAR-RIGHT MEN'S GROUP WAS CREATED BECAUSE THEIR IRONIC

FOUNDER DIDN'T LIKE THE SONG "PROUD OF YOUR BOY" FROM

DISNEY'S "ALADDIN" MUSICAL.

IT'S WORSE FOR THEM NOW, BECAUSE AFTER THE INAUGURATION, IT'S

(SINGING) "A WHOLE NEW WORLD!

A MUCH LESS FASCIST POINT OF VIEW."