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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TODAY WAS THE FIRST FULL DAY ON THE JOB FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN.

  • OH -- OH, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT DOES FEEL GOOD ON THE TONGUE --

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN.

  • IT'S LIKE LICKING FROSTING RIGHT OFF THE SPATULA.

  • (OVER-ARTICULATING) PREZZZIDENT BIIIDEN NEEEVEER

  • BAAAANKRUPPTED A CAAAASINOO.

  • THE FIRST DAY OF ANY JOB IS STRESSFUL, ESPECIALLY WHEN

  • YOU'RE THE NEW MANAGER, AND THE LAST GUY GOT CALLED INTO HR

  • FOR "INAPPROPRIATE WORKPLACE TREASONING."

  • HE WAS ME-COUP'D.

  • BUT THIS NEW ADMINISTRATION HAS AN UNPRECEDENTED TO-DO LIST,

  • WHICH BIDEN LAID OUT IN HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS: THE VIRUS,

  • CLIMATE CHANGE, GROWING INEQUALITY, RACISM, AMERICA'S

  • GLOBAL STANDING, AND AN ATTACK ON TRUTH AND DEMOCRACY.

  • IT'S LIKE THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE, WITH TWO

  • BONUS HORSES!

  • YOU'VE GOT WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE, DEATH, PLUS GLOBAL

  • WARMING, AND YOUR UNCLE CARL.

  • THE HORSE IN THE LEAD IS PESTILENCE.

  • BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC IS WORSE THAN EVER.

  • YESTERDAY, THE U.S. RECORDED THE SECOND HIGHEST NUMBER OF COVID

  • DEATHS EVER, AND RIGHT NOW, AMERICANS ARE DYING FASTER OF

  • COVID-19 THAN OUR SOLDIERS DID IN WORLD WAR II.

  • ONLY TO WIN THAT CONFLICT, WE HAD TO GET THE FASCISTS OUT OF

  • THE GERMAN CAPITAL.

  • SO TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED TEN EXECUTIVE ORDERS TO GET HIS

  • PANDEMIC PLAN ROLLING, INCLUDING A REQUIREMENT FOR MASKS WHILE

  • TRAVELING, STUDIES AND TRIALS OF COVID-19 TREATMENTS, AND MORE

  • PUBLIC DATA ON CASES AND VACCINATIONS.

  • IT'S A NEW STRATEGY THE WHITE HOUSE IS CALLING "OPERATION:

  • WELL, DUH!" ONE EXECUTIVE ORDER IS AIMED AT

  • MAKING IT SAFER TO GO TO WORK, BY DIRECTING OSHA TO PUBLISH

  • WORKER SAFETY GUIDELINES.

  • THAT MEANS MASKS IN BREAK ROOMS, HAND SANITIZER AT THE DOORWAYS,

  • AND CHIPOTLE WILL CANCEL ITS POPULAR "BOBBING FOR GUAC."

  • "YES, IT'S EXTRA."

  • AND THE BEST PART IS, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS GOING TO KEEP

  • US INFORMED ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE DOING, WITH REGULAR EXPERT-LED

  • SCIENCE-BASED PUBLIC BRIEFINGS.

  • WHICH WILL BE A NICE CHANGE FROM MORON-LED, CLOROX-BASED,

  • DEXAMETHASONE RAMBLINGS.

  • TODAY, WE HEARD FROM A MAN SO DEDICATED TO PROPER

  • STERILIZATION TECHNIQUES THAT HE'S THE ONLY ONE TO EMERGE FROM

  • THE LAST ADMINISTRATION NOT COVERED IN THE STENCH OF

  • FAILURE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • FAUCI SAYS HE'S GETTING ONE SPECIFIC QUESTION ABOUT THE NEW

  • COVID STRAINS THAT HAVE APPEARED IN THE U.K. AND SOUTH AFRICA.

  • >> WHAT IS IT ABOUT THESE MUTANTS THAT YOU ARE HEARING

  • ABOUT?

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONING FOR THE

  • NEXT "X-MEN" MOVIE.

  • (AS FAUCI) "WHAT ARE THESE MUTANTS WE HEAR

  • ABOUT?

  • WHY WON'T PROFESSOR X RELEASE HIS STUDENT BODY LIST?

  • IF HE'S GOT RAZOR-SHARP KNIVES IN HIS HANDS, WHY DOESN'T

  • WOLVERINE HAVE A CLOSER SHAVE?

  • ONE GUY'S NAME IS CYCLOPS AND HE'S GOT TWO EYES?

  • NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!" NEXT QUESTION.

  • FAUCI TOUCHED ON HOW THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE DIFFERS FROM THE

  • LAST ONE, AND HE THREW SOME SHADE.

  • >> ONE OF THE NEW THINGS IN THIS ADMINISTRATION, IF YOU DON'T

  • HAVE THE ANSWER, DON'T GUESS.

  • JUST SAY YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

  • >> STEPHEN: DR. FAUCI?

  • MORE LIKE DOCTOR OUCH-IE!

  • BECAUSE THAT WAS A BURN!

  • ME-YOW!

  • YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE UP AN ANSWER

  • TO "HOW DOES TONY FEEL ABOUT THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT," BECAUSE THE

  • D.N.A. TEST CAME BACK AND HE'S 100% THAT (BLEEP)!

  • THE GOOD DOCTOR MADE IT CLEAR, HE IS GLAD TO BE DONE DEALING

  • WITH THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.

  • >> I TAKE NO PLEASURE AT ALL IN BEING IN A SITUATION OF

  • CONTRADICTING THE PRESIDENT.

  • SO IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T FEEL YOU COULD ACTUALLY

  • SAY SOMETHING AND THERE WOULDN'T BE REPERCUSSIONS ABOUT IT.

  • THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN GET UP HERE AND TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU

  • KNOW AND WHAT THE EVIDENCE-- WHAT THE SCIENCE IS, AND KNOW

  • THAT'S IT.

  • LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

  • IT IS SOMEWHAT OF A LIBERATING FEELING.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, HE CAN JUST LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

  • FOR EXAMPLE: NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM.

  • AND LIKE A VACUUM, THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION SUCKED.

  • MEOW!

  • EVEN THOUGH THE LAST PRESIDENT CLEARLY WASN'T IMPLEMENTING

  • THEIR VACCINATION PLAN VERY WELL, BIDEN'S TEAM WERE HESITANT

  • TO CRITICIZE THEM, BECAUSE THEY WERE "ALREADY HAVING A HARD TIME

  • GETTING CRITICAL INFORMATION AND COOPERATION FROM THE OUTGOING

  • ADMINISTRATION."

  • THEY HAD TO BE NICE SO WHEN THEY GOT THERE, THE PREVIOUS FOLKS

  • WOULD LEAVE THEM THEIR PLAN!

  • WELL, YESTERDAY, BIDEN'S TEAM GOT THE PLAN, AND THEY FOUND OUT

  • THAT PLAN IS NON-EXISTENT.

  • SO THEY NEVER HAD A PLAN TO FIX THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS

  • IN A CENTURY?

  • THAT'S LIKE IF THE "OCEANS 11" HEIST KICKED OFF WITH GEORGE

  • CLOONEY SAYING THIS: >> THIS IS THE VAULT AT THE

  • BELLAGIO.

  • I GOT NOTHING.

  • LET'S GO!

  • >> OKAY.

  • >> STEPHEN: BUT ASSISTANCE IS ON THE WAY, BECAUSE NOW, AMAZON IS

  • OFFERING TO HELP WITH VACCINE DISTRIBUTION.

  • THANK GOD!

  • I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A THREE-FOOT BOX THAT JUST HAS ONE SYRINGE

  • RATTLING AROUND.

  • OR BETTER YET, FIRE UP ONE OF THOSE DRONES AND LET IT SHOOT A

  • NEEDLE DIRECTLY INTO MY NECK!

  • UNTIL AMAZON IS READY, JUST TO GET THE VACCINE, PEOPLE ARE

  • TAKING EXTREME RISKS.

  • BY WHICH I MEAN, GOING TO FLORIDA.

  • PEOPLE FROM OUTSIDE THE STATE ARE COMING TO FLORIDA TO GET

  • VACCINATED, AN ISSUE THAT'S BEING CALLED VACCINE TOURISM.

  • IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY TYPES OF FLORIDA-SPECIFIC TOURISM.

  • YOU'VE GOT "THEME PARK" TOURISM, "GOLF" TOURISM, AND "DIVORCED

  • DAD REALLY GETTING INTO A JIMMY BUFFET PHASE."

  • IT'S POSSIBLE THIS VACCINE TOURISM IS ACTUALLY THE RESULT

  • OF A HUGE OVERSIGHT, BECAUSE UNDER THE STATE'S CURRENT

  • VACCINATION PLAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE FROM FLORIDA IN ORDER

  • TO GET A VACCINE.

  • SEEMS LIKE CHECKING AN ADDRESS WOULD BE IMPORTANT BEFORE

  • HANDING OUT A VACCINE.

  • YOU DON'T SEE STRIP CLUB BOUNCERS CHECKING I.D.S AND

  • SAYING, "WOW, THIS LOOKS PROFESSIONALLY LAMINATED.

  • ENJOY THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM, MR. 'JOHN P. LEGAL-AGE'."

  • BUT THE STATE IS CRACKING DOWN, AND NOW PEOPLE WHO SHOW UP FOR

  • VACCINES WILL BE ASKED TO SHOW THEIR FLORIDA I.D. IN ORDER TO

  • GET THE SHOT.

  • AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE, YOU CAN PROVE

  • YOUR RESIDENCY BY SHOWING YOUR TRAMP STAMP OF CALVIN AND THE

  • TASMANIAN DEVIL PEEING ON THE NAME OF YOUR EX.

  • YESTERDAY'S INAUGURATION WAS A ROUGH DAY FOR MEMBERS OF Q-ANON,

  • WHICH IS A BIZARRE COLLECTION OF ONLINE CONSPIRACY THEORIES FROM

  • A COMPLICATED PLOT CONNECTING UF.O.S AND THE ILLUMINATI TO

  • THE CLAIM THAT CERTAIN CELEBRITIES, ENTREPRENEURS AND

  • POLITICIANS ARE LIZARD PEOPLE DISGUISED IN HUMAN SKIN.

  • OF COURSE, SOME OF THE LIZARDMAN SKIN SUITS ARE LESS CONVINCING

  • THAN OTHERS.

  • YOU MAY KNOW OF Q-ANON THANKS TO THEIR EXTENSIVE PRODUCT

  • PLACEMENT AT THE CAPITOL RIOT.

  • Q-ANON CRAZIES TAKE THEIR MARCHING ORDERS FROM A SHADOWY

  • ONLINE ANONYMOUS FIGURE NAMED "Q."

  • NO ONE KNOWS HIS OR HER, OR ITS REAL NAME, BUT AUTHORITIES HAVE

  • RELEASED THIS VIDEO OF Q WITH TWO CO-CONSPIRATORS.

  • Q HAS POSTED THOUSANDS OF CRYPTIC MESSAGES SINCE 2017,

  • CLAIMING AMONG OTHER THINGS THAT THE 45TH PRESIDENT WAS SECRETLY

  • SPEARHEADING A SPIRITUAL WAR AGAINST AN ELITE CABAL OF

  • CHILD-EATING SATANISTS WHO CONTROLLED WASHINGTON, HOLLYWOOD

  • AND THE WORLD AND WOULD SOON CORRAL HIS ENEMIES FOR MILITARY

  • TRIBUNALS AND MASS EXECUTIONS IN A SHOW OF FORCE THEY CALLED "THE

  • STORM."

  • I DIDN'T KNOW WHY THEY THOUGHT HE COULD PULL OFF "THE STORM."

  • HE CAN'T EVEN CLOSE "THE UMBRELLA."

  • FOR FOUR YEARS, Q KEPT SAYING "TODAY'S THE DAY," AND THEN

  • NOTHING HAPPENED THAT DAY.

  • MEANWHILE, THE ONLINE PROMOTERS OF Q'S FAILED PROPHECIES WERE

  • RAKING IN CASH BY SELLING Q-ANON MERCHANDISE.

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY MAKE THEM PAY FOR MERCH.

  • THE BEST CULTS GIVE YOU FREE KOOL-AID AND NIKES.

  • THE ELECTION PRESENTED A BIT OF PROBLEM FOR Q.

  • IF THE ALL-POWERFUL GUY WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THE POWERFUL

  • THING WASN'T IN POWER ANYMORE, HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO THE

  • THING?

  • SO YESTERDAY, Q-ANON FOLLOWERS WATCHED THE INAUGURATION LIKE

  • LINUS IN A PUMPKIN PATCH, AND THE CONSPIRACY PEDDLERS KEPT

  • LEADING THEM ON, PROMISING THINGS LIKE THE BIDENS, OBAMAS

  • AND CLINTONS WOULD BE ROUNDED UP AND EXECUTED FOR CHILD SEX

  • TRAFFICKING, TREASON AND OTHER CRIMES, AND THAT THE FORMER

  • PRESIDENT WOULD REMAIN IN POWER.

  • IT