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  • REGGIE, HOW WAS YOUR LAST DAY OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY?

  • >> Reggie: OH, MAN, YOU KNOW, REALLY DEPRESSED AND SAD TO SEE

  • THAT ERA GO.

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • WE'VE GOT TO MAKE WAY FOR NEW STUFF, SO TODAY I CELEBRATED BY

  • HAVING A REALLY GREAT SESSION ON THE TREADMILL.

  • >> James: DID YOU?

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • >> James: HOW LONG DID YOU DO?

  • TIME OR DISTANCE.

  • >> Reggie: AN HOUR.

  • BUT I HAVE A HEART RATE MONITOR.

  • >> James: RUNNING?

  • >> Reggie: NO, NOT RUNNING.

  • TEN DEGREES UPHILL, ABOUT 145BPM.

  • >> James: WALKING.

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • >> James: >> James: JUST WALKING ON THE

  • TREADER ♪ ♪ JUST WALKING ON TREADMILLS,

  • OH, YEAH ♪ ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> James: BUT, YEAH, GUYS, IT'S OFFICIAL.

  • TOMORROW, JOE BIDEN WILL BE SWORN IN AS THE 46TH PRESIDENT

  • OF THE UNITED STATES.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) INCREDIBLE!

  • INCREDIBLE!

  • I'M GOING TO SAY, YOU HAD A GOOD RUN, MALARKEY,

  • BUT IT ENDS NOW!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IMAGINE HOW JOE BIDEN IS

  • FEELING RIGHT NOW.

  • HE HASN'T BEEN THIS EXCITED SINCE PEGGY-SUE ASKED HIM TO

  • SHARE A SARSAPARILLA AT THE SADIE HAWKINS DANCE.

  • JOE BIDEN WILL BECOME THE OLDEST PRESIDENT TO EVER TAKE THE OATH

  • OF OFFICE.

  • BIDEN'S 129-YEARS-OLD.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: JEESH.

  • >> James: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

  • I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE.

  • DIDN'T KNOW.

  • THIS JUST PROVES YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS.

  • UNLESS YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELES AND OVER THE AGE OF 35.

  • AND IF YOU ARE, EWWWW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT -- THANKS, SUSAN.

  • BUT UNLIKE PREVIOUS INAUGURATION DAYS, DONALD AND MELANIA TRUMP

  • WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THE CEREMONY OR MEETING WITH THE

  • BIDENS AT ANY POINT TOMORROW.

  • IT'S A REAL BREAK WITH TRADITION, BUT IT WILL RING IN A

  • NEW TRADITION OF ME NOT CARING WHERE TRUMP IS OR WHAT HE'S

  • DOING.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.

  • I'M EXCITED FOR THAT FEELING, AREN'T YOU?

  • >> Reggie: YES.

  • >> James: SO WHEN SOMEONE GOES, OH, HAVE YOU SEEN THE

  • NEWS, YOU CAN GO, I'M NOT BOTHERED, HE'S JUST A GUY, HE'S

  • JUST A MAN, HE'S JUST A BLOKE DOING SOME ( BLEEP ) OVER THER

  • AND I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • IN FLORIDA.

  • >> James: IN FLORIDA DOING SOMETHING AND YOU'RE, LIKE, I

  • DON'T CARE.

  • DON'T CARE WHAT HE'S DOING.

  • DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?

  • DOESN'T MATTER.

  • IT'S IRRELEVANT.

  • IT'S A SHAME THEY DIDN'T MEET, THOUGH.

  • BECAUSE WITHOUT A MEETING, BIDEN WON'T

  • BE ABLE TO GET ALL OF TRUMP'S GREAT ADVICE ABOUT THE JOB.

  • ABOUT THAT SAND TRAP ON THE GREEN BY THE FIFTH.

  • THE WIND'S THE RIGHT WAY, YOU'RE IN THE SAND, TRYIG TO HINK YOUR

  • WAY OUT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS TRUE, THE LAST TIME A

  • PRESIDENT SKIPPED THE INAUGURATION WAS IN 1869.

  • AND JOE BIDEN SAID HE DIDN'T APPROVE OF IT BACK THEN, EITHER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) INSTEAD, PRESIDENT TRUMP

  • RELEASED A FAREWELL VIDEO MESSAGE THIS AFTERNOON.

  • AND HE MADE THIS URGENT PLEA TO JOE BIDEN:

  • >> THE WORLD RESPECTS US AGAIN.

  • PLEASE DON'T LOSE THAT RESPECT.

  • >> JAMES: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THE WORLD HAS BEEN DOING THESE LAST

  • FOUR YEARS-- "RESPECTING US."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, PLEASE DON'T TALK SO

  • SLOWLY -- YOU'VE GOT PACKING TO DO.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) BUT AT THE END TRUMP GOT A BIT

  • POETIC.

  • HAVE A LOOK.

  • >> I GO FROM THIS MAJESTIC PLACE WITH A LOYAL AND JOYFUL HEART

  • AND OPTIMISTIC SPIRIT AND A SUPREME CONFIDENCE THAT, FOR OUR

  • COUNTRY AND FOR OUR CHILDREN, THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

  • >> James: I AGREE.

  • MOSTLY BECAUSE THINGS COULDN'T GET WORSE.

  • THIS MARKS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS BEEN BOTH OPTIMISTIC

  • AND MOVING TO FLORIDA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

  • WELL, THIS IS CRAZY.

  • ACCORDING TO REPORTS, TRUMP IS NOW "FANTASIZING" ABOUT BUILDING

  • A $2-BILLION PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY AND MUSEUM IN FLORIDA.

  • I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, IT'LL BE THE TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY,

  • MUSEUM, HOTEL, CASINO AND ALLIGATOR FARM-- BUT POINT

  • TAKEN.

  • THE TRUMP LIBRARY, YOU KNOW WHAT I CALL IT, LIE-BRARY.

  • YOU UNDERSTAND IT, LIE-BRARY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL

  • LIE-BRARY.

  • YOU HAVE TO SEE HOW I'M SPELLING IT IN MY HEAD.

  • SOUNDS LIKE I'M SAYING LIBRARY.

  • I'M NOT -- MOVING ON.

  • MEANWHILE, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT APPARENTLY SPENT HIS

  • FINAL DAY IN OFFICE ISSUING AROUND 100 PARDONS.

  • "ONE HUNDRED PARDONS" SOUNDS LIKE A HUGH GRANT MOVIE.

  • (AS HUGH GRANT) "UH... PARDON-- YES, SORRY,

  • PARDON.

  • PARDON ME IF YOU WILL, I'M SORRY.

  • LOTS OF PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS TODAY.

  • TIM, DID YOU GET A PARDON FOR WHAT YOU'RE WEARING TODAY?

  • IS THAT PART OF A TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL PARDON?

  • >> HE'S NOT SEEING IT TILL TOMORROW, SO I'M OUT OF LUCK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) > James: LONDON'S HOUSE THAT

  • MEASURES JUST FIVE FEET WIDE -- ( LAUGHTER )

  • -- GET USED TO THIS, WHEN TRUMP IS GONE THIS WILL BE THE TOP

  • STORY ON THE MONITOR!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS WILL BE THE LEAD STORY!

  • WHAT DO WE GO WITH ON THE MONO?

  • I DON'T KNOW, A THIN HOUSE?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S TRUE, LONDON'S

  • NARROWEST HOUSE, IT'S NOT EVEN BRITAIN'S NARROWEST HOUSE, IT'S

  • LONDON'S NARROWEST HOUSE MEASURES JUST FIVE FEET WIDE,

  • AND IT'S ON SALE, REG, AND I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT HOW

  • MUCH IT IS.

  • IT'S ON SALE FOR $1.4 MILLION.

  • THIS IS THE HOUSE HERE.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • LOOK.

  • >> Reggie: WOW.

  • >> James: THEY SAY IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ANY YOUNG

  • COUPLES LOOKING TO RAISE AN INCREDIBLY SKINNY FAMILY.

  • IMAGINE LIVING HERE.

  • IT MUST BE AWKWARD WHEN YOU HAVE A DATE OVER AND ARE LIKE

  • "SO, SHOULD WE MOVE THIS TO THE BEDROOM?"

  • WELL, YOU GO AND THEN I'LL GO.

  • SORRY.

  • I MEAN, YOU STAND THAT WAY AND OPEN THE DOOR.

  • I'LL GO AND THEN YOU GO AND WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.

  • AND WE WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS -- THIS WILL BE THE LEAD

  • STORY ON THURSDAY -- A WOMAN IN THE U.K. PURCHASED ONE OF THE

  • TBOOP CANDLES THAT IS MARKETED AS

  • SMELLING LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA, AND IT EXPLODED INSIDE

  • HER HOME, CAUSING A, "INFERNO."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT?

  • >> James: IT WAS A HUGE MESS, THERE WAS GOOP EVERYWHERE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T THINK IT SAYS IT SMELLS

  • LIKE GWINNETT PALTROW'S VAGINA.

  • >> JUST A FLORAL SCENT.

  • >> James: SOMETHING ELSE OF A VAGINA OR HEARSE.

  • >> James: SPECIFICALLY.

  • YES.

  • >> James: GOOD TO KNOW.

  • IT'S NICE.

  • >> James: NICE, I'M NOT DENYING IT.

  • YEAH.

  • GWINNETT PALTROW'S VAGINA CANDLE EXPLODED IN A WOMAN'S HOME.

  • FORTUNATELY, THE WOMAN WAS ABLE TO PUT OUT THE FLAMES USING HER

  • JOHN HAM PENIS HOSE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, SCIENTISTS ARE

  • ISSUING A WARNING ABOUT A RAPIDLY INCREASING POPULATION OF

  • HIPPOS IN COLOMBIA.

  • THEY'RE CALLED "COCAINE HIPPOS" BECAUSE THEY WERE ILLEGALLY

  • IMPORTED TO THE COUNTRY BY THE NOTORIOUS DRUG LORD PABLO

  • ESCOBAR, WHICH IS PRECISELY THE KIND OF IDEA THAT SEEMS GOOD

  • AFTER LOADS AND LOADS OF COCAINE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE SHOULD GET SOME HIPPOS, GUYS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S A BIT OF

  • A LANGUAGE BARRIER WITH COLOMBIA.

  • DOWN THERE THEY CALL IT A "COCAINE HIPPO."

  • HERE WE CALL IT "DON, JR."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEY'VE MANAGED TO ADAPT TO

  • THEIR ENVIRONMENT PRETTY WELL, BUT IF YOU LOOK CAREFULLY, YOU

  • CAN TELL THAT "COCAINE HIPPOS" LOOK A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS NOT WORTH IT, THAT