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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY, WHEN WE CELEBRATE A GREAT LEADER

  • WHO LED A MARCH ON WASHINGTON THAT DIDN'T END WITH ME HAVING

  • TO LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE NAMED "Q-SHAMAN."

  • ON WEDNESDAY, JOE BIDEN WILL BE INAUGURATED AS THE 46TH

  • PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

  • COME ON, BABY!

  • BUT AFTER THE SACKING OF THE U.S. CAPITOL, AUTHORITIES HAVE

  • CALLED IN 25,000 NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS.

  • SO, OFFICIALLY, THIS IS NOT A PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER,

  • AND THEY'VE HAD TO UPDATE THE SIGN HANGING IN AMERICA'S BREAK

  • ROOM TO THIS.

  • THE TROOPS HAVE SHUT DOWN FOUR MAJOR BRIDGES LEADING INTO

  • DOWNTOWN D.C., SET UP A FORTIFIED PERIMETER THAT

  • ENCOMPASSES THE CAPITOL, WHITE HOUSE AND PORTIONS OF DOWNTOWN,

  • AND CLOSED THE NATIONAL MALL.

  • CLOSED THE NATIONAL MALL!?

  • NOW WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUR NATIONAL WETZEL'S PRETZELS?

  • DEFENSE OFFICIALS ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT AN INSIDE ATTACK ON OUR

  • INCOMING LEADERS THAT THEY'VE ASKED THE F.B.I. TO VET ALL OF

  • THE 25,000 NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS COMING INTO WASHINGTON.

  • OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BUT I HAVE A BETTER IDEA: MAYBE

  • INVESTIGATE THEM BEFORE YOU GIVE THEM AUTOMATIC WEAPONS AND

  • HAVE THEM SLEEP OUTSIDE OF NANCY PELOSI'S OFFICE.

  • IT'S JUST A THOUGHT.

  • INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES ARE ALREADY PAYING OFF.

  • THIS WEEKED, LAW ENFORCEMENT ARRESTED A 22-YEAR-OLD VIRGINIA

  • MAN CARRYING A FIREARM AND A WOMAN CLAIMING TO BE A LAW

  • ENFORCEMENT OFFICER AND PART OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CABINET.

  • GET YOUR STORY STRAIGHT, LADY!

  • YOU CAN'T BE BOTH.

  • "YOU CAN'T DETAIN ME!

  • OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN BIG TROUBLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU

  • ARRESTED POLICE CHIEF SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR PRESIDENT JAMES

  • T. KIRK OF THE STAR SHIP 'ENTERPRISE.'

  • NOW, LET ME IN!" THE WOMAN'S RUSE WAS NOT VERY

  • THOUGHT-THROUGH.

  • WHEN ASKED TO PROVIDE CREDENTIALS, SHE TOOK OUT A

  • MILITARY POLICE CHALLENGE COIN.

  • ANYONE CAN HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

  • THEY JUST GIVE THEM OUT.

  • IT'S NOT A VALID FORM OF I.D.

  • THAT WOULD BE LIKE SHOWING UP AT A HOSPITAL AND SAYING, "I'M A

  • DOCTOR AND TO PROVE IT, HERE'S MY PRESCRIPTION FOR LIBRIUM, IT

  • HAS MY NAME ON IT AND EVERYTHING.

  • NOW, BEND OVER AND TRY TO RELAX."

  • AND WE'RE LEARNING JUST HOW DANGEROUS THE RIOT WAS THANKS TO

  • SOME NEW VIDEO POSTED THIS WEEKEND BY "THE NEW YORKER."

  • THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THEIR NEW CAPTION CONTEST: THE Q-ANON

  • SHAMAN WITH HIS DOG PSYCHIATRIST.

  • THE WINNER?

  • "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL."

  • IN "THE NEW YORKER'S" VIDEO, THE BLOODLUST OF THE RIOTERS IS

  • PALPABLE.

  • >> TREASON!

  • TREASON!

  • TREASON!

  • TREASON!

  • TREASON!

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S NICE OF THEM TO BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE

  • THERE TO DO.

  • IT'S LIKE ME WALKING INTO A BARNES AND NOBLE SHOUTING, "TIME

  • TO PRETEND TO LOOK AT A FEW THINGS, THEN ASK TO USE THE

  • BATHROOM, BABY!" IN THE FOOTAGE, WE SEE THE MAGA

  • MOB ON THE SENATE FLOOR RIFLING THROUGH DOCUMENTS:

  • >> THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING IN HERE WE CAN ( BLEEP ) USE

  • AGAINST THESE SCRUM BAGS.

  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, THERE IS SOMETHING WE CAN USE AGAINST

  • THESE SCUMBAGS.

  • IT'S THIS VIDEO, YOU SCUMBAGS.

  • AND THESE FELLOWS AREN'T EXACTLY THE SHARPEST HORNS ON THE

  • HEADDRESS.

  • HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY FOUND TED CRUZ'S BINDER.

  • >> THIS, HERE LOOK, HERE LOOK.

  • >> TED CRUZ'S OBJECTION TO THE ARIZONA--

  • >> HIS OBJECTION.

  • HE WAS GONNA SELL US OUT ALL ALONG.

  • >> REALLY?

  • WHAT?

  • >> LOOK.

  • OBJECTION TO COUNTING THE ELECTORAL VOTES OF THE STATE OF

  • ARIZONA.

  • >> CAN I GET A PHOTO OF THAT?

  • >> WAIT, NO, THAT'S A GOOD THING--

  • >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

  • >> STEPHEN: THESE ARE THE DUMBEST PEOPLE TO ATTEMPT AN

  • INSURRECTION SINCE FAILED LINCOLN ASSASSIN, JOHN WILKES

  • DOOF.

  • I DON'T WANT TO SAY THESE GUYS ARE STUPID, BUT THEY CARRIED A

  • FLAG THAT READ, "SAY HELLO TO MY CAT."

  • YOU KNOW WHAT ALSO DOESN'T LOOK GOOD?

  • YOUR HEADGEAR.

  • IT'S PROOF THEY NEVER PLANNED ON BEING PEACEFUL, OR THAT THEIR

  • FONTANELLES NEVER CLOSED.

  • GENERALLY, YOU DON'T WEAR A HELMET UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED

  • FOR VIOLENCE.

  • IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN IF YOU GO ON A BLIND DATE AND GET A TEXT

  • THAT READS, "JUST GOT HERE, I'M SITTING AT THE BAR.

  • I'M THE GUY WEARING A HELMET."

  • SOURCES SAY THAT TOMORROW, ON HIS LAST FULL DAY IN OFFICE, THE

  • PRESIDENT IS PREPARED TO ISSUE AROUND 100 PARDONS AND

  • COMMUTATIONS.

  • WHY SO MANY?

  • WELL, THERE'S REPORTEDLY A LUCRATIVE MARKET FOR PARDONS.

  • FINALLY, POTUS IS RUNNING A BUSINESS THAT MAKES MONEY.

  • HE'S CALLING IT, "THE OLIVE PARDON."

  • WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE A CRIME FAMILY.

  • ON PARDON PEDDLER IS FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR AND REJECTED

  • WILSON BROTHER, BRETT TOLMAN.

  • TOLMAN HAS COLLECTED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO SEEK

  • CLEMENCY FOR A VARIETY OF CLIENTS, INCLUDING THE SON OF A

  • FORMER ARKANSAS SENATOR, THE FOUNDER OF THE ONLINE DRUG

  • MARKETPLACE SILK ROAD, AND A MANHATTAN SOCIALITE WHO PLEADED

  • GUILTY IN A FRAUD SCHEME.

  • I BELIEVE WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT REQUEST.

  • "DEAR DADDY, PARDON PLEEEEEZ!

  • XO IVANKS."

  • BUT ONE GUY IS REALLY LOOKING FOR THE BIG BUCKS, AND NO

  • SURPRISE, IT'S PRESIDENTIAL LAWYER AND MAN OOZING WHAT HE

  • INSISTS IS JUST CHARM, RUDY GIULIANI.

  • ACCORDING TO AN EX-C.I.A. AGENT WHO IS SEEKING A PARDON FOR

  • DISCLOSING CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, HE MET WITH RUDY

  • AND HIS ASSOCIATES LAST YEAR.

  • WHEN RUDY WENT TO THE RESTROOM, ONE OF HIS HENCHMEN SAID THE

  • MAYOR COULD HELP, BUT "IT'S GOING TO COST $2 MILLION.

  • HE'S GOING TO WANT TWO MILLION BUCKS."

  • THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

  • BUT, AS A LAWYER, RUDY'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.

  • IT'S THE DOLLARS I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT.

  • GIULIANI DENIES HE OR HIS ASSOCIATES EVER ASKED FOR $2

  • MILLION.

  • IN FACT, GIULIANI CLAIMS HE DOES NOT REMEMBER THE MEETING.

  • POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEIR MEETING INVOLVED SUBSTANTIAL ALCOHOL.

  • WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

  • IT'S THE END OF THE NIGHT.

  • YOU'VE GOT THE PARDON GOGGLES ON, NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU

  • DON'T REMEMBER WHOSE CONVICTION YOU FORGIVE.

  • I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, RUDY, PLEASE GRIFT RESPONSIBLY.

  • OF COURSE, THE LAST FEW DAYS OF ANY PRESIDENCY IS ALL ABOUT

  • CEMENTING YOUR LEGACY AND THANKING THOSE MEMBERS OF YOUR

  • ADMINISTRATION WHO WORKED HARDEST TO ENSURE YOUR PLACE IN

  • HISTORY.

  • SO, ON FRIDAY, HE MET WITH C.E.O. OF MYPILLOW, MIKE

  • LINDELL, SHOWN HERE WITH HIS DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS.

  • BUT IT WASN'T ALL PILLOW-TALK.

  • A SHARP-EYED CAMERAMAN CAUGHT A SNAPSHOT OF LINDELL'S NOTES,

  • WHICH INCLUDED TOPICS LIKE "MARTIAL LAW" AND "INSURRECTION

  • ACT."

  • HMM, SEEMS A LITTLE FASCIST-ADJACENT.

  • HE MIGHT HAVE TO REBRAND AS THE MEIN PILLOW GUY.

  • THERE'S MORE PROOF THAT LINDELL IS INTO THE MAGA CONSPIRACY

  • WORLD.

  • AS OF THIS WEEKEND, THE MYPILLOW WEBSITE WAS OFFERING DISCOUNTS

  • WITH THE PROMO CODE "QANON."

  • IT GETS YOU 45 BUCKS OFF A KING-SIZED EXTRA-FIRM, WHICH

  • MAKES PERFECT BODY ARMOR FOR THE NEXT INSURRECTION.

  • BUT AS BLEAK AS THE NEWS IS, THERE IS SOME HOPE ON THE

  • HORIZON.

  • HBO MAX JUST ANNOUNCED A REVIVAL OF "SEX AND THE CITY."

  • THANK GOD!

  • WE'LL FINALLY FIND OUT IF CARRIE FINDS LOVE WITH-- I WANT TO SAY

  • THE CITY?

  • OKAY, FULL DISCLOSURE: I DIDN'T CATCH EVERY EPISODE.

  • ACCORDING TO HBO, THE REVIVAL WILL FOLLOW THE S.A.T.C. GALS AS

  • THEY NAVIGATE THE COMPLICATED REALITY OF LIFE AND FRIENDSHIP

  • IN THEIR 50S, IN A TEN-EPISODE LIMITED SERIES TITLED "AND JUST

  • LIKE THAT."

  • WHICH, BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE OF BEING IN MY 50S, I ASSUME IS

  • SHORT FOR "AND JUST LIKE THAT, I CAN'T EAT CHEESE ANYMORE."

  • BUT THE BIG BOMBSHELL ABOUT THE REVIVAL IS THAT KIM CATTRALL

  • WILL NOT RETURN TO PLAY SAMANTHA JONES.

  • WHAT?!

  • BUT SHE'S SUCH A SAMANTHA!

  • LOOK AT ME, BEING SUCH A CHARLOTTE.

  • THIS IS DISTRESSING.

  • WHAT IS "SEX AND THE CITY" WITHOUT ITS MOST SEX-POSITIVE

  • CHARACTER?

  • SAMANTHA IS THE CHAOTIC GOOD THAT CARRIE, MIRANDA, AND

  • CHARLOTTE NEED TO PUSH THEIR OWN UPTIGHT BOUNDARIES.

  • THE SHOW NEEDS HER!

  • WE NEED HER!

  • AND HBO MAX KNOWS IT, SO THEY'VE FOUND A NEW SAMANTHA.

  • JIM?

  • >> IN NEW YORK CITY, EACH DAY IS A NEW ADVENTURE.

  • BUT ONE THING THAT NEVER CHANGES... IS FRIENDSHIP.

  • THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN.

  • CARRIE.

  • >> I'M DYING TO EAT ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T COME IN A TAKEOUT

  • BOX.

  • BOTTOM'S UP.

  • >> MIRANDA.

  • >> LET ME JUST CHECK MY WORK SCHEDULE.

  • YEAH, ALL CLEAR.

  • >> CHARLOTTE.

  • >> I CAN'T LOSE THE NANNY.

  • >> AND, OF COURSE, SAMANTHA.

  • >> I'M HOT, I'M HORNY, AND I'M DOING KEGELS UNDER THE TABLE!

  • I'M SAMANTHA!

  • >> THE GANG IS BACK... PRETTY MUCH.

  • >> LET'S TALK NIPPLES.

  • >> I'VE TRICKED MY BODY INTO THINKING IT'S THINNER.

  • SPANX.

  • >> REALLY.

  • HADN'T HEARD.

  • >> SO, I SAID: DING DONG!

  • IT'S SEX O'CLOCK.

  • AND I'M HALF PAST NAKED.

  • TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

  • I'M SAMANTHA!

  • >> THE ROMANCE, THE EXCITEMENT, THE HEARTACHE, AND... THIS:

  • >> SOMETIMES I WISH I HAD MORE HOLES!

  • >> "AND JUST LIKE THAT" COMING SOON TO HBO MAX.

  • >> GIVE ME THE SEX!

  • I'M SAMANTHA!

  • >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • MY GUEST IS SENATOR CORY BOOKER.

  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN, A FAREWELL MESSAGE FROM MELANIA

  • TRUMP.

  • STICK AROUND!

  • ♪♪♪

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

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B2 TheLateShow samantha treason pardon rudy hbo

Giuliani Peddles $2M Pardons While The President Spends His Final Days In Dubious Company

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/19
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