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  • -Hello and welcome, welcome,

  • welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Well, guys, next week, President Trump is planning

  • to leave the White House for Palm Beach

  • on the morning of Inauguration Day

  • and he's asked for a large crowd

  • and a big, military-style sendoff.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah. Trump wants a big farewell.

  • He's even requested a red carpet, live music,

  • and Rudy Giuliani to be launched from a cannon.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • It's going to be quite a day. A bunch of Trump supporters

  • in Washington, D.C.

  • What could possibly go wrong?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Trump wants to assemble a large crowd

  • to remind everyone of his legacy --

  • completely ignoring the coronavirus.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's basically that annoying friend

  • who keeps dropping hints that they want a surprise party.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ As Trump ] Can't believe Wednesday is

  • my last day.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And I've been really getting into listening to vinyl records.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump wants a big send-off, but, as of now,

  • the only thing they have planned

  • is an awkward office party with a cake that says...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Yeah, Trump is expecting a big military presence.

  • Officials would be like,

  • "Yes, sir, the, uh,

  • Space Force is doing a s-space parade.

  • You just can't see it from here.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Apparently, Trump wants all his favorite

  • military officials to be there --

  • generals, colonels, captains, admirals.

  • I think we actually have a photo.

  • Yeah, there you go.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Imagine what he'd ask for if he won the election.

  • [ As Trump ] I wanted stealth fighters.

  • I want zebras.

  • I want a cement truck demolition derby.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Really been getting into vinyl records.

  • [ Laughter ] Listening.

  • This is interesting -- since Biden and Trump will be

  • in different places for the inauguration,

  • they each will have a suitcase holding the nuclear codes.

  • But, once Biden takes the oath,

  • Trump's codes will deactivate. Yeah.

  • What's crazy is that the guy we don't trust to be on Twitter

  • is still carrying around the nuclear codes.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • There's no way Trump still has a briefcase

  • with the actual nuclear codes.

  • I'm sure, years ago, someone switched it out

  • with one of the briefcases from "Deal or No Deal"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ As Trump ] 32.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Meanwhile, I heard that Trump is still deciding

  • whether he'll carry on the presidential tradition

  • of writing a letter to his successor

  • and leaving it on the Resolute Desk.

  • I'm not sure how much wisdom Trump has to offer.

  • So far, Trump's only "advice" to Biden is

  • to call dibs on the Lincoln Bedroom before Jill.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "No, no, we actually sleep in the same --"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My guess is, instead of a letter,

  • Trump's going to pull a "Sex and the City"

  • and leave a Post-It that says...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is nice -- Melania is leaving Jill Biden

  • the same letter Michelle Obama left for her.

  • Isn't that sweet?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ] Isn't that sweet?

  • Speaking of Biden moving into the White House,

  • there are reports that he may have to leave

  • his Peloton bike behind,

  • since it has a camera and microphone

  • that could be hacked.

  • Even hackers were like,

  • [ Slavic accent ] "If you think we want to watch

  • old man sweat and grunt

  • to REO Speedwagon,

  • you're very mistaken."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, I forgot the White House even had a gym.

  • For the last four years, it's just been a place

  • to hide from the president.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some sports news -- the NFL playoffs

  • continue this weekend

  • and one matchup everyone is excited about is

  • Tom Brady versus Drew Brees,

  • the two oldest quarterbacks in the league.

  • They're already wishing each other good luck.

  • Today, Brady called Brees and was like, "Break a hip."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, instead of Bud Light and Doritos commercials,

  • there are going to be just a bunch of commercials

  • for the UroClub.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Hell!

  • -Yeah, those guys are so old, when they see Patrick Mahomes,

  • they just pinch his cheeks.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Alright, listen to this -- I saw is

  • the 20th anniversary of Wikipedia.

  • At least, I think it is.

  • I'm not sure because I read it on Wikipedia.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's amazing -- in just 20 years,

  • Wikipedia has written 20 trillion high school essays.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Tom Brady and Drew Brees were like,

  • "Back in my day, if we want to know something,

  • we had to Ask Jeeves."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, police in Argentina

  • raided a swingers party, but, when they showed up,

  • the swingers thought the cops were strippers.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • It didn't help when the cops were like, "Alright,

  • we can do this the easy way

  • or the hard way." [ Laughter ]

-Hello and welcome, welcome,

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Trump Asks for Big Send-Off Before Biden’s Inauguration | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/16
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