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  • Hey, it's me Conan O'Brien.

  • I'm very excited to welcome the fabulous Nicole Byer

  • to the podcast family,

  • her show, "Why Won't You Date Me?" is joining Team Coco.

  • We're so thrilled to have her.

  • Nicole, for those who maybe are not familiar

  • with the Nicole Byer vibe,

  • how would you describe your show?

  • I guess I would describe it as one woman's quest

  • to figure out why is she still single?

  • Even though she's stunning,

  • she dresses well,

  • her skin is very supple and warm

  • and has nice undertones

  • and she sucks a mean dick.

  • It's pretty explicit.

  • I love talking about sex.

  • (laughing)

  • But listen, Conan,

  • I want to learn about your-

  • No, I just left my body.

  • I left my body, so my body's here,

  • but Conan's in another room right now

  • and he's just filled with shame.

  • Well, Conan, come back in the room.

  • 'Cause I want to learn about your dating history.

  • (laughing)

  • Okay.

  • Have you got eight seconds?

  • I do.

  • [Conan] Okay. I do have eight seconds.

  • I even have a little less time if you need a little less,

  • I have seven seconds for ya,

  • but have you ever heard of Never Have I Ever?

  • No.

  • I don't know that.

  • Okay, so you have to hold up five fingies

  • and then we say things that we've never done.

  • And when you've done it, you put a finger down.

  • So I will go first.

  • Oh God, this isn't gonna go well.

  • Never have I ever dated two people at once.

  • And if you've done it, you put a finger down.

  • So I have to put a finger down.

  • 'Cause I've dated two people at once.

  • You've never dated two people at once?

  • I don't think so.

  • I was always super uptight about that.

  • I don't think I've done that. Wow.

  • Yeah. I was always into the rules.

  • No, no that's breaking the rules.

  • I don't think so.

  • Unless... Define dating.

  • No, let's not even get into that.

  • I'm going to say no, I haven't.

  • Okay, now you have to ask the question.

  • Okay, have you-

  • You just say never have I ever, that's the game.

  • Oh, I say never, got it.

  • I'm not good at games.

  • Oh wait, did I just do it wrong?

  • Is it something that I haven't done?

  • So you said never have I ever dated two people at once

  • but you have But I have dated.

  • so you put a finger down.

  • We're the worst at this.

  • I'm gonna make this go faster.

  • Never, ever I ever had sex

  • with someone wearing a scuba outfit.

  • Okay, listen, I have,

  • and it was me in the scuba outfit

  • because there's a material called scuba material.

  • So it's not like- What? Is this true?

  • Is this really?

  • It's not like an actual scuba suit.

  • It's just like thick material.

  • But why would you wear that during sex?

  • Let's take the hands out of this.

  • Let's just say never have I ever

  • because this is a good conversation without the hands.

  • Because sometimes your clothes stay on when you have sex.

  • Sometimes it's like, I have to, it has to happen right now.

  • And then your dress doesn't fully come off.

  • Or you're leaving and you put your clothes back on.

  • And then you're like- So you're wearing

  • like scuba material?

  • (laughing)

  • It's it's not like scuba suit material

  • but it's like this heavy material.

  • I can't really describe it to you

  • other than like it's a weird heavy material.

  • Okay.

  • But it's not really what you're thinking.

  • It's not like scuba gear where it's like skin tight.

  • Okay, I'm still not getting turned on by this.

  • Like there's too much- Okay.

  • Well, have you ever gone commando?

  • Yes. I've gone commando.

  • I've never,

  • I wear underwear at all times.

  • I have occasionally not worn underwear,

  • I've regretted it.

  • 'Cause let's just say there's a lot going on down there

  • and- Okay.

  • Big balls?

  • No, actually no.

  • One ball that's very long.

  • Oh.

  • Almost rectangular.

  • I like it.

  • Yeah. It's very strange.

  • I'm a medical anomaly.

  • I've been studied by The New England Journal of Medicine.

  • They said it's technically not a penis

  • but they're still fascinated by it.

  • (laughing)

  • Have you ever used...

  • I've read about this once.

  • It was LL Cool J,

  • once was giving an interview and he said during it

  • there was once like during a concert backstage

  • he poured like oil out...

  • He put down plastic bags, put oil all over the place

  • and he and this woman just slipped all around

  • having sex in oil and trash bags.

  • And I don't know why that's still in my mind.

  • But is that something people do?

  • I've never done it.

  • I've never laid down a tarp of trash bags

  • and squeeze baby oil [Conan] Yes.

  • everywhere.

  • That's too messy.

  • It felt like, yeah.

  • It felt like he was preparing to murder someone.

  • (laughing) It felt like Goodfellas.

  • He put a whole bunch of tarps,

  • whenever you're putting tarps down,

  • I think you need to be killing someone in the mob.

  • I agree.

  • That's what you need to be doing.

  • Yeah, I've never done that.

  • I don't want to do that.

  • That honestly it seems like a safety hazard,

  • a safety concern, but moisturizing for your skin.

  • Have you ever joined the mile high club?

  • No, I've never (beep) in an airplane bathroom,

  • one, because how disgusting.

  • They don't clean planes, that's nasty.

  • Also they're so small.

  • I'm a big gal.

  • We wouldn't be able to do it.

  • We'd (beep) right out

  • and land on the person in the last row.

  • And that's not something they need.

  • The last row doesn't even recline.

  • I think it's much cooler to do it on an Amtrak train.

  • I think if you can do it on an Amtrak train

  • during a major commuting hour

  • and you can use the overhead compartment,

  • you know that rack,

  • that would impress me.

  • When people say I'm in the mile high club,

  • I think (beep) you.

  • When you tell me that you did it on an Amtrak train

  • on the luggage rack,

  • it was in a major corridor.

  • And I don't mean that to be wordplay,

  • it's between Boston and Philadelphia.

  • Tell me you did that

  • and I will be impressed.

  • I would do that.

  • I would (beep) on a train, choo choo.

  • And that's what I would say when I (beep).

  • I'm cutting it off right here.

  • Okay.

  • (laughing)

  • Okay.

  • Okay, cool.