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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY.

  • JUST KEEPING IT REAL.

  • WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON BATISTE.

  • IT IS AN HISTORIC DAY.

  • YET ANOTHER HISTORIC DAY HERE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, THE HOME

  • OF THE BRAVE.

  • HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

  • >> Jon: THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

  • THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

  • I'M FEELING VERY RAW, EXPOSED.

  • MY INNARDS ARE EXPOSED.

  • ( LAUGHS ) IT FEELS...

  • IT FEELS LIKE I'M SEARCHING FOR MAGIC THAT IS LEFT IN THE WORLD

  • THAT I HAVE FAITH IS LEFT IN THE WORLD.

  • I'M SEARCHING FOR IT.

  • I WANT TO BALANCE OUT ALL THE RIFT OF THE STUFF THAT'S COMING

  • IN, WITH A LITTLE BIT MORE MAGIC TO KIND OF HEAL MYSELF, YOU

  • KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • I SAW A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC TODAY.

  • WE SAW SOME PEOPLE VOTING AGAINST THEIR OWN PERSONAL

  • POLITICAL INTERESTS FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.

  • THAT WAS-- THAT WAS SATISFYING.

  • THAT MADE ME-- THAT GAVE ME SOME HOPE.

  • >> Jon: YEAH, BUT ISN'T IT KIND OF LATE A LITTLE BIT, YOU

  • KNOW?

  • >> Stephen: HEY, MAN, HEY MAN, THE 11th HOUR CONVERT GETS

  • THE SAME PAY THAT THE OTHER WORKERS IN THE VINEYARD DOES.

  • DO I HAVE TO SEND YOU A BOOK?

  • >> Jon: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

  • >> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PATRIOTIC AT YOUR

  • FINGERTIPS?

  • >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • LET'S SEE.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

  • JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME LINING A PATH WITH THE

  • BRIGHTEST, MOST TOPICAL CHERRY BLOSSOMS, LAYING THEM BY THE

  • NEWSIEST BUBBLING BROOK AND CAREFULLY RAKING THE SANDS TO

  • CREATE THE JAPANESE ZEN GARDEN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO DIG A SHALLOW PIT, LINE IT WITH

  • SOME TWO BY FOURS I FOUND BEHIND THE HOME DEPOT, FILL IT WITH

  • GRAVEL AND SAND I STOLE FROM THE SCRAPYARD, AND TOP IT ALL OFF

  • WITH SOME USED CAT LITTER TO ASSEMBLE THE DERELICT SANDBOX

  • OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, POLICE IN NEW JERSEY RESPONDED TO A 911 CALL

  • THAT "A FLOCK OF ANGRY CHICKENS WAS WREAKING HAVOC AT A

  • McDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU."

  • YOU CALLED 911?

  • YOU'RE IN A CAR.

  • THEY'RE CHICKENS.

  • "THE CHICKENS ARE COMING!

  • WHAT DO I DO?!

  • WHAT DO I-- I JUST DRIVE AWAY?

  • OKAY, I WILL DO THAT, THEN."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NO WORD ON WHOSE CHICKENS THEY

  • WERE, BUT WHEN ANIMAL CONTROL ARRIVED AT THE McDONALD'S, THEY

  • "SAW THE CHICKENS HARASSING AND CHASING CUSTOMERS, ALONG WITH

  • PECKING AT CAR TIRES."

  • FORTUNATELY, NO ONE WAS HURT, AND THE CHICKENS WERE ROUNDED UP

  • AND SAFELY GIVEN A NEW HOME.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ROBOT NEWS, "THE PETIT QOOBO IS A CUSHIONED

  • ROBOT WITH A TAIL THAT WAVES GENTLY WHEN THE ROBOT IS PET."

  • AWW, IT'S LIKE SOMEONE WANTED TO DRAW A CAT BUT THEY STARTED AT

  • THE BUTT AND THEN LOST INTEREST.

  • ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, THE QOOBO IS "DESIGNED TO OFFER

  • USERS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT."

  • COME ON.

  • REAL CATS DON'T EVEN DO THAT!

  • PLUS, YOU'LL NEED TO REGISTER IT WITH THE AUTHORITIES IF YOU WANT

  • TO TAKE IT ON A PLANE AS YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ROBOT CAT ASS.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE

  • GENITALIA-BASED QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."

  • AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S ACTUALLY TIME FOR EVERYONE'S

  • FAVORITE PEEN-WHILE SUB-SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-JAIL."

  • PEEN-JAIL, "A HACKER TOOK CONTROL OF PEOPLE'S

  • INTERNETCONNECTED CHASTITY CAGES AND DEMANDED A RANSOM TO BE PAID

  • IN BITCOIN TO UNLOCK IT."

  • GETTING PAID IN BITCOIN?

  • THAT'S THE SECOND STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE HEARD!

  • NOW, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, A "CHASTITY CAGE" IS "A SEX TOY

  • THAT USERS PUT AROUND THEIR PENIS AND SOME OF THEM CAN BE

  • UNLOCKED REMOTELY."

  • NOT SURE HOW PEOPLE DO THAT LAST PART, BUT IT COULD EXPLAIN WHAT

  • THAT THIRD LIGHT SWITCH DOES IN MY GARAGE.

  • SO, APPARENTLY, THESE PEOPLE HOOKED UP THEIR DONG CAGES TO

  • THE 'NET, AND THEN THEY GOT HACKED, WHICH ACTUALLY LEADS TO

  • OUR PEEN-JAIL SUB-SUB-SUB-SEGMENT:

  • "WELL, YEAH."

  • WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

  • I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO GIVE CONTROL OF YOUR DEPRIVATION BOX

  • TO A LOVED ONE, BUT IT'S QUITE A LEAP OF FAITH TO SAY, "LET'S

  • PUT MY JUNK IN THE CLOUD."

  • ANYWAY, OBVIOUSLY, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHO IS LOCKED IN THESE

  • DEVICES, BUT IT'S PRETTY SCARY STUFF.

  • AND HERE TO DISCUSS THE MATTER IS MY WRITER WHO BROUGHT THIS TO

  • MY ATTENTION, DJANGO.

  • DJANGO, WHAT DO YOU THINK-- >> WE MUST MEET THESE HACKERS'

  • DEMANDS, STEPHEN.

  • WHATEVER THEY WANT, JUST GIVE IT TO THEM.

  • >> Stephen: BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT SETS A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT TO

  • JUST-- >> THE NEGOTIATIONS HAVE FAILED.

  • WE JUST NEED TO GIVE THESE CYBER-TERRORISTS THEIR INTERNET

  • MONEY SO THAT THIS NIGHTMARE CAN END.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT IF WE APPEASE THESE

  • PEOPLE NOW, IT WILL JUST TEACH THEM THAT THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH

  • DOING IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.

  • >> THAT'S A GREAT THEORETICAL ARGUMENT, STEPHEN.

  • AND I CAN TELL THAT WHOEVER'S MAKING IT ISN'T LOCKED IN

  • SOLITARY RIGHT NOW.

  • >> Stephen: DJANGO, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST MOVE ON.

  • >> SURE, SURE, YOU'RE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU CAN SAY THAT.

  • BUT, YES, LET'S CHANGE TOPICS.

  • HEY, DO YOU LIKE MUSIC, STEPHEN?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, OF COURSE I DO, DJANGO.

  • >> WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE FIONA APPLE ALBUM IS?

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> "FETCH THE BOLT CUTTERS."

  • >> Stephen: THAT WAS A RAIL LONG WALK.

  • DJANGO, EVERYBODY!

  • >> I NEED OLIVE OIL, STAT!

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SAMANTHA BEE.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY.

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B1 TheLateShow stephen jon django robot quarantine

Quarantinewhile... Internet-Connected Sex Toys Targeted By Hackers

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/14
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